My husband says since I'm home more I should "do" more. He's referring to chores

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

 my issue is: he SEES that most of the stuff falls on me and doesn't SAY anything about it. It's almost as if he's okay w the way things are now, now that I am taking care of most things. It's like he wanted to get to this place because that's where he is the most comfortable.
 

Otherwise, the way we were doing things before where he was taking care of more things, he didn't like it. It was a bit more even I think, but he started complaining. I think that's what aggravates me even more. And prevents me from even having a calm discussion because it's like "do you even NOTICE that the household labor is falling a little uneven?!" And then I feel like I sound insane. 
 

Regarding his hours, he is actually looking into quitting to start multiple businesses and side jobs, which of course is going to take even MORE of his time. I truly wonder how the chore division will be then. I truly see it ALL falling on me. 

Seeing him in this light is not very attractive and probably won't bode well for your marriage long term. 

Did you get married to be a maid and mother to your husband? 

Maybe talk to him about quitting your job so you have time to do all the house work. 

The person that commented about traditional roles being the answer. I agree that works great, if that's the life you want. 

But if both spouses want a career etc, it clearly doesn't work and can't be the solution.

I guess from what OP is saying this is a crisis in the marriage. Because traditional or not each spouse and notice i am saying spouse (non gender) gets a say. 

So if you're married to someone that is a brute and will only do what is best for them and does not want to compromise to your needs, then any be married? that is not partnership. that is servitude.

If you can't calmly talk to the person you chose to be with that's another problem.

[Seraphim]

I don’t think either person is bad here. They just want something different and jumped in blind . 

[cuddlebunny777]

33 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Unfortunately, you have made a mistake which will break his heart but you will break it much more pretending for several years . 

I do love life with him though. There's just a lot of obstacles and setbacks that I wish we would've prepared for better. And adjusting to each other has not been easy. 

[cuddlebunny777]

54 minutes ago, arjumand said:

So really time has nothing to do with this -- it is something you are using as an excuse for getting married when you knew you didn't want to. Knowing him for five years would not have changed this because you just didn't want to get married. Just making a note that there is no magic number for how long you need to know someone to marry -- I knew my husband for less than a year when we got married 34 years ago. OTOH, I have friends who dated for five or more years and were divorced in less than two. The issue is knowing yourself and what you want. You know you don't want to be married -- so don't be. Let him find someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with him. 

 

Knowing him longer might've changed it actually. 
 

I say more time would've been better because we could've organized our lives better. Individually and as a couple, time would've helped us to really decided if we were ready or not. Or helped us get ready. I could go on. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Our marriage license. 

You mean expensive as in forever? Our license was $35.

[Seraphim]

34 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I do love life with him though. There's just a lot of obstacles and setbacks that I wish we would've prepared for better. And adjusting to each other has not been easy. 

That is adjusting though . No one said marriage was easy. It isn’t just dating but living together . It is 100% committed in every way with everything . 

[cuddlebunny777]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You mean expensive as in forever? Our license was $35.

Yes as in forever. And if it doesn't work out, divorce is expensive too. 

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Yes as in forever. And if it doesn't work out, divorce is expensive too. 

Well, spending forever with your partner should be a happy thing . And divorce is very expensive . My brother’s divorce cost him 2 million including his house and the suffering to him and his kids . 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, arjumand said:

I knew my husband for less than a year when we got married 34 years ago.

Difference is, YOU wanted to get married. It  wasn't because his mother or your mother pressured you.

Everyone I know who got married when they didn't really want to is divorced, including me and a friend of mine who got married at age 19 because he got his girlfriend pregnant,  and a man I dated who also got married because he got one of girls he was fooling around with pregnant. Both  of those men strongly resented being married and would have preferred staying single.

[mylolita]

Cuddle,

 

If you truly love someone, and have married them till death due you part, through sickness and health, and everything in between… whether someone has done the dishes or what they spend or chore routines or any of that, should not shake your marriage and make you question whether to file for divorce or not.

 

Marriage, to me, is going through the small things, and the huge things - like terminal illness, children, death, house foreclosure, job loss - all of the bad things that can happen and more; and working through it, because you love each other and you’re a team and best friends and in this together, for life! 
 

I don’t get this from you when reading your posts? 
 

I understand not feeling ready or feeling pressured - I’m sure most people who have ever been in a long term dating relationship can relate to thinking “we should tie the knot!” but it is such a huge decision that I feel, nowadays, has lost it’s gravitas. People divorce easy.

 

I understand your hurt feelings regarding the flowers - I feel like you weren’t being heard or appreciated in a way that was important to you. These small things are often a sign that something big is wrong or needs fixing. But you must have the foundation of true love, or marriage working out is almost impossible.

 

I’ve only been with my husband 15 years, so I’m not a seasoned wife who has decades worth of marriage advice - but I will say, you need love, respect, deep understanding, open and honest communication and a joint will to make things work.

 

x

[cuddlebunny777]

9 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Cuddle,

 

If you truly love someone, and have married them till death due you part, through sickness and health, and everything in between… whether someone has done the dishes or what they spend or chore routines or any of that, should not shake your marriage and make you question whether to file for divorce or not.

 

Marriage, to me, is going through the small things, and the huge things - like terminal illness, children, death, house foreclosure, job loss - all of the bad things that can happen and more; and working through it, because you love each other and you’re a team and best friends and in this together, for life! 
 

I don’t get this from you when reading your posts? 
 

I understand not feeling ready or feeling pressured - I’m sure most people who have ever been in a long term dating relationship can relate to thinking “we should tie the knot!” but it is such a huge decision that I feel, nowadays, has lost it’s gravitas. People divorce easy.

 

I understand your hurt feelings regarding the flowers - I feel like you weren’t being heard or appreciated in a way that was important to you. These small things are often a sign that something big is wrong or needs fixing. But you must have the foundation of true love, or marriage working out is almost impossible.

 

I’ve only been with my husband 15 years, so I’m not a seasoned wife who has decades worth of marriage advice - but I will say, you need love, respect, deep understanding, open and honest communication and a joint will to make things work.

 

x

I hear you. I do agree. And Something big IS wrong. I don't know if I'm built for the lifestyle of being a wife. I am trying to adapt and just feel like I'm losing myself every day, and it's bigger than the dishes not being done. For me, it's a matter of respect. I don't feel he is respecting or considering me when he leaves chores for me that he could've done in the morning. 

I take time out of my busy day to pack his work bag almost evryday and he can't even make the bed consistently. 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Seeing him in this light is not very attractive and probably won't bode well for your marriage long term. 

Did you get married to be a maid and mother to your husband? 

Maybe talk to him about quitting your job so you have time to do all the house work. 

The person that commented about traditional roles being the answer. I agree that works great, if that's the life you want. 

But if both spouses want a career etc, it clearly doesn't work and can't be the solution.

I guess from what OP is saying this is a crisis in the marriage. Because traditional or not each spouse and notice i am saying spouse (non gender) gets a say. 

So if you're married to someone that is a brute and will only do what is best for them and does not want to compromise to your needs, then any be married? that is not partnership. that is servitude.

If you can't calmly talk to the person you chose to be with that's another problem.

Evening Lambert,

 

It was me! 🤣

 

I was trying to fumble around and say, when couples are getting irritated and picking over who has done what, using that traditional mind set can really simplify things - for example, just give him a few jobs that are always “his” jobs, no matter what. Then it’s beyond straight forward and easy! Like, he always takes out the rubbish, mows the lawn and does any DIY fix it jobs. (The “manly” things so he can have some respect. Not many men want to get the duster out or fluff cushions. Or do they? 🤣)

 

Then it eliminates ambiguity and stops the debate! 
 

I read somewhere that even when women work full time, they still do the majority of domestic work and child care. It’s something full time working couples have to navigate these days. It’s a grey area and seems to be a play ground for argument!

 

x

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Something big is wrong. I don't know if I'm built for the lifestyle of being a wife. I am trying to adapt and just feel like I'm losing myself. 

It’s okay cuddle! Don’t worry!

 

You need to talk to your husband hunny! 
 

Please have a calm and honest conversation with him. Tell him how you feel! Choose a Sunday when he is free and not at work. You might be surprised. He might be feeling the same way! Better to have these conversations about doubts now before you have children in the mix. Children need both parents and both parents stable and loving. It’s a blessing it is just you two at the moment. You have the luxury of space and time to work out what you both want! 
 

It’s okay! No one is perfect.

 

x

[cuddlebunny777]

35 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That is adjusting though . No one said marriage was easy. It isn’t just dating but living together . It is 100% committed in every way with everything . 

Yeah, part of me thinks he thinks he is the only one adjusting (obviously I know he has to adjust to me) but I wonder how he's feel if the roles were reversed and he worked from home. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Yeah, part of me thinks he thinks he is the only one adjusting (obviously I know he has to adjust to me) but I wonder how he's feel if the roles were reversed and he worked from home. 

You guys are so so so early days yet. You both need to sit down and have an honest and forthright talk without anger or resentment . 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I take time out of my busy day to pack his work bag almost evryday and he can't even make the bed consistently. 

Stop doing this. You're not his mother.

How old is he? How long were you dating before marriage? Is this an arranged marriage? You seem to have been forced into marriage before you were ready. 

[cuddlebunny777]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop doing this. You're not his mother.

How old is he? How long were you dating before marriage? Is this an arranged marriage? You seem to have been forced into marriage before you were ready. 

He's 29, we dated a year and half. It's not an arranged marriage. His mom did pressure me a lot. And I resent her for it! But ultimately I did make the choice. 

[cuddlebunny777]

1 minute ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

He's 29, we dated a year and half. It's not an arranged marriage. His mom did pressure me a lot. And I resent her for it! But ultimately I did make the choice. 

I telll myself not to do it but I end up having to do it because he is always rushing and then I feel bad!

[cuddlebunny777]

21 minutes ago, mylolita said:

It’s okay cuddle! Don’t worry!

 

You need to talk to your husband hunny! 
 

Please have a calm and honest conversation with him. Tell him how you feel! Choose a Sunday when he is free and not at work. You might be surprised. He might be feeling the same way! Better to have these conversations about doubts now before you have children in the mix. Children need both parents and both parents stable and loving. It’s a blessing it is just you two at the moment. You have the luxury of space and time to work out what you both want! 
 

It’s okay! No one is perfect.

 

x

Agreed. I will. I just don't know how to tell him that part of me is often yelling I want out. That's the hard part and the part that I know is the main issue of everything, absolutely everything. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

He's 29, we dated a year and half. It's not an arranged marriage. His mom did pressure me a lot. And I resent her for it! But ultimately I did make the choice. 

Was he living at home before you got married? Why would his mother be pressuring you? 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I'd honestly rather take care of it all myself and not have him, than have to  ask someone to pls pick up their fair share that they would have to do anyway if they lived alone. So this is pathetic. 

Just how do you think marriage works? Yes, you work nice comfortable office job. He works physically exhausting one. Who do you think at the end of the day has more strenght to do stuff around home? I am not defending him, if he has times for video games, he should maybe take some of the load at home. However, he maybe is using video games to relax himself after. If he is on his legs all day, dont think you can count on him for too much around house. You would maybe like to. But realistically, do you really think he can do many stuff around house with that kind of exhaustion? You mentioned construction workers. But with your attitude I dont think you would even aknowledged that he is tired even if he is a construction worker. Realistically speaking, yes, you should be the one that takes most of the work there.

You have a right not to be happy with the chores being divided the way they are. And by all means you should talk to him about that. However I dont think you are realistic about it. Nore that your outlook on that is very healthy for your marriage. You maybe imagined that you would be "A Lady that doesnt have to lift a finger" when it comes to marriage. You work a nice office job, you would maybe like to come home and relax, have a glass of wine or whatever. And that is fine. But in a reality somebody has to pick up a slack. Meals wont make themselves, dishes wont clean themselves and clothes wont wash themselves. If he cant do it because he is tired, then you should and vice- versa. That is marriage. Its not always 50-50. Heck, its not always even fair deal. Sorry.

Also would like to know how do you divide paying bills if its not a secret. Because I have a hunch that he is paying more there since dont think somebody who complains loudly about him not buying big enough bouquet, would tolerate him not paying more and that it would be a first thing you would complain here instead of chores.

[Seraphim]

My husband works a very mentally stressful job that challenges his disability to the maximum. He works 7:30-5  He also started a Masters Degree which he does online at night . He had 4 chores inside the house . I have taken over 3 of them as I am working on my business part time by choice as I am burnout and been suffering severe anxiety. So I have taken over most of his inside work because for the next 6 years he will be in a pressure cooker with work and a Masters. 
 

Marriage is a team effort and sport . 

[itsallgrand]

26 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Agreed. I will. I just don't know how to tell him that part of me is often yelling I want out. That's the hard part and the part that I know is the main issue of everything, absolutely everything. 

Others may disagree, I don't know, but my thought is you don't say that. You are saying you know this is not him needing to change, it's deeper, you don't know if you can commit to this marriage. You need to figure that out one way or another. If you are in, be in. If you are out, be out. I can imagine anyone being ok hearing their new wife or hubby saying " yeah I'm not sure if this is what I want". He can't fix that so you'd be torturing him for nothing. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

Others may disagree, I don't know, but my thought is you don't say that. You are saying you know this is not him needing to change, it's deeper, you don't know if you can commit to this marriage. You need to figure that out one way or another. If you are in, be in. If you are out, be out. I can imagine anyone being ok hearing their new wife or hubby saying " yeah I'm not sure if this is what I want". He can't fix that so you'd be torturing him for nothing. 

Exactly. Marriage is all in or all out.

[cuddlebunny777]

27 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Just how do you think marriage works? Yes, you work nice comfortable office job. He works physically exhausting one. Who do you think at the end of the day has more strenght to do stuff around home? I am not defending him, if he has times for video games, he should maybe take some of the load at home. However, he maybe is using video games to relax himself after. If he is on his legs all day, dont think you can count on him for too much around house. You would maybe like to. But realistically, do you really think he can do many stuff around house with that kind of exhaustion? You mentioned construction workers. But with your attitude I dont think you would even aknowledged that he is tired even if he is a construction worker. Realistically speaking, yes, you should be the one that takes most of the work there.

You have a right not to be happy with the chores being divided the way they are. And by all means you should talk to him about that. However I dont think you are realistic about it. Nore that your outlook on that is very healthy for your marriage. You maybe imagined that you would be "A Lady that doesnt have to lift a finger" when it comes to marriage. You work a nice office job, you would maybe like to come home and relax, have a glass of wine or whatever. And that is fine. But in a reality somebody has to pick up a slack. Meals wont make themselves, dishes wont clean themselves and clothes wont wash themselves. If he cant do it because he is tired, then you should and vice- versa. That is marriage. Its not always 50-50. Heck, its not always even fair deal. Sorry.

Also would like to know how do you divide paying bills if its not a secret. Because I have a hunch that he is paying more there since dont think somebody who complains loudly about him not buying big enough bouquet, would tolerate him not paying more and that it would be a first thing you would complain here instead of chores.

I am not asking him to do jumping jacks and handstands for me when he gets home. I am asking him to put away the clothes from the couch AFTER I have already put the laundry in, it has dried and I have folded it. I am asking him to make the bed after he has gotten up from it. I am asking him to check the laundry once in a while, takes clothes out, or sit and fold clothes. It takes 5 mins. Every single one of these chores takes 5 mins or LESS. I am asking him to be on time for work so he can pack his work lunch. I'm unrealistic? Please.