My husband says since I'm home more I should "do" more. He's referring to chores

[Cherylyn]

21 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I just reminded him there was no juice and he came home and asked me if I wanted him to go pick it up. I said I would've liked that.  And he said I should be more considerate. He hasn't stopped on his way home from work for ANYTHING in over 2 months (bc usually I take care of getting stuff when we're running low) and he hasn't gone grocery shopping w me in about a month. 

He doesn't sound like a long term husband at this rate.  ☹️  Either run yourself haggard maintaining the household or be with the type of husband who is considerate,  helpful and cooperative. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

He doesn't sound like a long term husband at this rate.  ☹️  Either run yourself haggard maintaining the household or be with the type of husband who is considerate,  helpful and cooperative. 

And where she desires to compromise more and where she desires to talk about her particular standards of cleanliness -like making the bed right away/never leaving clothing around - with her partner's standards then coming to a compromise and/or the one with the different/stricter standards of what cleanliness/neatness is hires a cleaner etc. 

She's not being cooperative or considerate with the Juice Test for example.  but that's likely because she has one foot out the door and wants "reasons" to leave.

I had a relative who bought brand new furniture, had a huge party for one of her children's teenage milestones and forbade any guest from sitting down on the new sofa or the new loveseat (adult guests).  One by one, holding plates of food or a drink they ended up sitting after awhile.  Her standards simply didn't work for them and yes clean sofa/tired guests staring at a great place to  take some weight off.  It requires compromise.  

[mylolita]

On 9/21/2023 at 2:59 PM, Andrina said:

You're going to have to be concrete about the chores, so the best way to go about this is to have a chore chart you create on a dry erase board, or a chalk board, or a paper calendar. Pick which chores might always be one person's job, like him making breakfast and doing morning dishes, as well as jobs you rotate daily or weekly.

I used to work his schedule and know how I didn't want to do any chores after work. I did my chores in the morning. So be mindful of that. Such as for the evening, if you don't use a dishwasher, dishes could be soaked in a sink of soapy water until they can be washed in the morning. The dishwasher can be unloaded in the morning if you go that route. Or some evenings, you could use paper plates. 

There might be jobs you can do together, and that can be marked on the chart as well. There are also jobs you might let slide some of the time. I don't make the bed unless I'm having company over. In fact, here's a quote from the Internet: "If you make your bed right when you wake up, you trap that moisture in the sheets, allowing dust mites to thrive. The researchers found a simple solution. Just leave the bed unmade. It allowed the moisture to dry up, reducing the dust mites in the bed."

What I would be saying is something like: I love you and want this marriage to be the best it can be. When we each contribute, it makes me feel more peaceful and I have more energy to do fun stuff besides chores.

If he balks or fails to do the chores he is responsible for during the week, you can then speak up one more time, saying something like: When you fail to do your part, it builds up bitterness in me. I'm afraid of what that will do to our marriage.

Hard to know if he's clueless or he doesn't care if you're tired and unhappy. Some clueless people need concrete directions instead of vague expectations. Give the chore chart a try. Perhaps it will be the key to your problem. I'd also speak up about his plans to start his own business, since most new businesses fail. If he doesn't want to walk around all day, he can start applying for desk jobs. Good luck.

Adrianna! 
 

I just want to say, great advice, but can I add to my little 1950’s housewife home making tip-a-la’s that I TOTALLY agree with the bed making point you brought up! LOL! 
 

Old school tip - you roll all the bedding back for half an hour, crank all the windows open to let in fresh air, let the sheets air out, and then make the bed after that. I do this first thing, have a shower, by time I’m finished, I can fold back the bedding and it’s crisp and aired and the room is fresh. Sometimes I leave the window open all day a crack as well, even in the winter. I even think the Victorians did this.

 

🤣 Anyway… LOL! 
 

Can the hubby do that? 🤣🤣

 

Sorry OP! Back ti the discussion in hand! 
 

x

[Wiseman2]

On 9/21/2023 at 9:44 AM, boltnrun said:

Sorry, this made me lol. 

Ironically it still applies. Actually my best autocorrect blurb was "do either of you have chicken (children) from previous relationships?"🙊

[Cherylyn]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And where she desires to compromise more and where she desires to talk about her particular standards of cleanliness -like making the bed right away/never leaving clothing around - with her partner's standards then coming to a compromise and/or the one with the different/stricter standards of what cleanliness/neatness is hires a cleaner etc. 

She's not being cooperative or considerate with the Juice Test for example.  but that's likely because she has one foot out the door and wants "reasons" to leave.

I had a relative who bought brand new furniture, had a huge party for one of her children's teenage milestones and forbade any guest from sitting down on the new sofa or the new loveseat (adult guests).  One by one, holding plates of food or a drink they ended up sitting after awhile.  Her standards simply didn't work for them and yes clean sofa/tired guests staring at a great place to  take some weight off.  It requires compromise.  

If compromising doesn't work,  be with the type of husband who has higher standards of cleanliness,  decluttered home life,  helps with errands and chores minus excuses. 

I realize people are tired.  I've seen it amongst some relatives whom I know. 😒 Some people just live in their homes without taking care of it and it ends up looking like a pigsty.  Stuff piles up,  house is dirty,  smells 'ripe' and it gets to the point of so out of control that no one feels like tackling it.  Hence,  they just live in it. 

Yes,  it's exhausting and endless maintaining a home but it has to be done otherwise the place is neglected and sloppy.  Small chores can be done and it only takes a few minutes vs. massive clean up all at once which is so overwhelming,  no one wants to do it. 

As for nice furniture,  don't home entertain.  Meet at a restaurant and let someone else deal with cooking,  clean up and spills. 

@cuddlebunny777 Save money elsewhere so you can afford a professional housecleaning service several times a month.  Look at your budget and cut corners wherever possible. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

endless maintaining a home but it has to be done otherwise the place is neglected and sloppy

Maintaining a relationship has to be done with care too and not with built up resentment and judging according to specific standards that often have little to do with actual cleanliness or hygiene or the relationship is neglected or sloppy.

[Cherylyn]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Maintaining a relationship has to be done with care too and not with built up resentment and judging according to specific standards that often have little to do with actual cleanliness or hygiene or the relationship is neglected or sloppy.

If this is an ongoing problem and there are no kids,  it's easier to part ways if the OP @cuddlebunny777 will no longer tolerate being with a husband who refuses to cooperate to maintain the household whether it be chores,  errands,  etc. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If this is an ongoing problem and there are no kids,  it's easier to part ways if the OP @cuddlebunny777 will no longer tolerate being with a husband who refuses to cooperate to maintain the household whether it be chores,  errands,  etc. 

I agree. I think leaving an article if clothing on the floor or a bed unmade is a far cry from a smelly pigsty. He’s not refusing. She’s refusing to communicate clearly and he has a bad attitude about why she should do more. They both are being uncooperative. She is standing on ceremony because she has one foot out the door and is blaming others like her mother in law for why she married for the wrong reasons. Her foot that is still in the door wants him to keep the juice flowing even though her juices are not so to speak. So I agree with you bow out now before there’s an oops pregnancy. 

[Cherylyn]

23 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree. I think leaving an article if clothing on the floor or a bed unmade is a far cry from a smelly pigsty. He’s not refusing. She’s refusing to communicate clearly and he has a bad attitude about why she should do more. They both are being uncooperative. She is standing on ceremony because she has one foot out the door and is blaming others like her mother in law for why she married for the wrong reasons. Her foot that is still in the door wants him to keep the juice flowing even though her juices are not so to speak. So I agree with you bow out now before there’s an oops pregnancy. 

Yeah,  I agree,  don't have kids! ☹️ 

Two people can't get along if one person is doing the majority of work to maintain a household such as chores including decluttering,  cleaning,  laundry,  cooking,  errands,  repairs / maintenance / replacements and repeat.  It's part of life.  Some people eat,  sleep,  work,  repeat but they don't mind coming home to a dump.  🙄  If there's no food nor beverages in the home,  oh well.  Either continue living at this rate or do something about it.  If he refuses to change by helping out,  then he doesn't sound like a very good husband for the long term.  Your patience or lack thereof @cuddlebunny777 will determine how much you are willing to endure and tolerate.  Let time be your guide. 

[Tinydance]

Well, I know people always have divided views on this topic. I guess it also depends on the culture because in many cultures they still have more traditional gender roles and women are expected to do most of the housework.

I grew up in Australia and I find that here generally gender roles aren't as strong. Unless you immigrated from a different country. I generally find that here men and women are expected to contribute to a relationship 50/50. That's my opinion as well. But I think where there appears to be a problem is that in reality it's just not really possible to have things exactly 50/50. That's because people's individual life just isn't identical to each other. And as you said,  you and your husband work different hours and don't work the same type of job and so on. 

First of all, I think what I might look at is if your expectations of cleaning and household chores are the same. I think there are your everyday chores like washing the dishes, hanging your clothes, taking out the garbage, etc., where most people want to do them as they go. I think there are also some other chores like vacuuming, mopping the floor, scrubbing the toilet and shower, where people might differ in how often they want that done. 

You said it was easier when you were single and it was just you. That's the thing, in a relationship both people will have different habits and expectations of how they live their life. For example, there are some people who are extremely clean and neat. They might scrub the toilet, shower, etc. twice a week or something like that. But there are also people who will only scrub the toilet once a month if it's not particularly dirty.

I guess I'm just trying to see if you're the type of person who likes everything to be very orderly and clean all the time. But maybe your husband doesn't? I think it's about talking about everything and seeing what both your expectations are. The problem is that people have grown up with different habits and ways of life and they don't usually see anything wrong with their ways of life.

For example, I actually don't make the bed.  That's probably because I lived alone for eight years and just didn't really care if it was made or not lol Also I will clean the bathroom but I don't have a particular schedule or something. Like, I don't clean the bathroom once a week but just when it looks dirty. 

Unfortunately I think some part of a relationship or even living with roommates is accepting that other people don't always expect what you expect and that occasionally you will need to do things yourself. Like, if something annoys you but the other person doesn't mind, you might need to do it yourself. E.g. I'm happy to only scrub the toilet if it's dirty. But if you prefer it to be scrubbed once a week then you may need to do it. Of course this has to only be within reason and not that you have to be doing everything yourself the whole time.

I must say I also don't understand why you feel really exhausted and like all you do is work and do chores? Do you mean your husband does no chores at all? Usually most people work and do chores in the house and other life activities as well. Do you have a very mentally stressful job? I guess I was just wondering whether you want things to be particularly clean or particularly organised. You mentioned you do food prep, is that for the whole week?

Also you said it bothers you if there's a small load of washing there. Maybe you tend to really want chores to be done immediately? Like, can some chores be done later? For example, some people have a big dirty basket in the laundry and they wait until the whole basket is full and do a big load of washing at once. I think if there's only a bit of washing and it already starts to annoy you then maybe you also have your particular quirks and habits. That doesn't mean they're right or wrong but everyone has them and it's about compromise. 

I also think that while it might seem unfair, sometimes you do need to do something yourself because the other person actually just can't. I know you work as well but you finish work at 5:00 p.m. and you're working from home. Whereas your husband finishes work at 8:00 p.m. and he works from the airport. How far away is the airport? I'm guessing he might get home about 8:30 p.m. or later by the time he leaves the airport. Usually it's hard to get out of the airport lol

So while for example it's annoying if you always have to cook dinner. But if your husband doesn't get home until say 9:00 p.m. then he's just physically not there to cook dinner. Do you know what I mean? I do believe everything in marriage needs to be 50/50 but it needs to be within reason. 

I think definitely talk to your husband about what your expectations are but remember that his might not be the same. I think you need to come to a compromise that can work for both of you. Maybe he can help more when he is home.  But I don't think you can be resentful that you're having to do chores when he's just not there. E.g. If you want orange juice and he doesn't get home until 9:00 p.m., you might need to go buy the orange juice. 

I think that nagging your husband to do things won't work because nobody likes to be nagged. I think you need to specifically ask him to do things and be clear. But maybe also try to relax a bit and not always feel like chores need to be done 24/7. Like, how often do you do laundry or scrub the toilet or shower? Maybe the laundry can be done once the basket is full. Maybe try not to make your whole marriage just about chores and arguing about that. 

I understand when you were single maybe you had your own schedules and ways of doing things. But when you're living with another person things just can't be exactly like you want all the time. I think there need to be new ways of organising things that can suit you both. E.g. If your husband gets home from work at 9:00 p.m., it's a bit late and probably not realistic that he'll start doing laundry. But on his day off it might be realistic to ask him to do it. 

[Tinydance]

On 9/23/2023 at 8:30 AM, Batya33 said:

Maintaining a relationship has to be done with care too and not with built up resentment and judging according to specific standards that often have little to do with actual cleanliness or hygiene or the relationship is neglected or sloppy.

Yes

[cuddlebunny777]

On 9/23/2023 at 8:11 PM, Tinydance said:

Well, I know people always have divided views on this topic. I guess it also depends on the culture because in many cultures they still have more traditional gender roles and women are expected to do most of the housework.

I grew up in Australia and I find that here generally gender roles aren't as strong. Unless you immigrated from a different country. I generally find that here men and women are expected to contribute to a relationship 50/50. That's my opinion as well. But I think where there appears to be a problem is that in reality it's just not really possible to have things exactly 50/50. That's because people's individual life just isn't identical to each other. And as you said,  you and your husband work different hours and don't work the same type of job and so on. 

First of all, I think what I might look at is if your expectations of cleaning and household chores are the same. I think there are your everyday chores like washing the dishes, hanging your clothes, taking out the garbage, etc., where most people want to do them as they go. I think there are also some other chores like vacuuming, mopping the floor, scrubbing the toilet and shower, where people might differ in how often they want that done. 

You said it was easier when you were single and it was just you. That's the thing, in a relationship both people will have different habits and expectations of how they live their life. For example, there are some people who are extremely clean and neat. They might scrub the toilet, shower, etc. twice a week or something like that. But there are also people who will only scrub the toilet once a month if it's not particularly dirty.

I guess I'm just trying to see if you're the type of person who likes everything to be very orderly and clean all the time. But maybe your husband doesn't? I think it's about talking about everything and seeing what both your expectations are. The problem is that people have grown up with different habits and ways of life and they don't usually see anything wrong with their ways of life.

For example, I actually don't make the bed.  That's probably because I lived alone for eight years and just didn't really care if it was made or not lol Also I will clean the bathroom but I don't have a particular schedule or something. Like, I don't clean the bathroom once a week but just when it looks dirty. 

Unfortunately I think some part of a relationship or even living with roommates is accepting that other people don't always expect what you expect and that occasionally you will need to do things yourself. Like, if something annoys you but the other person doesn't mind, you might need to do it yourself. E.g. I'm happy to only scrub the toilet if it's dirty. But if you prefer it to be scrubbed once a week then you may need to do it. Of course this has to only be within reason and not that you have to be doing everything yourself the whole time.

I must say I also don't understand why you feel really exhausted and like all you do is work and do chores? Do you mean your husband does no chores at all? Usually most people work and do chores in the house and other life activities as well. Do you have a very mentally stressful job? I guess I was just wondering whether you want things to be particularly clean or particularly organised. You mentioned you do food prep, is that for the whole week?

Also you said it bothers you if there's a small load of washing there. Maybe you tend to really want chores to be done immediately? Like, can some chores be done later? For example, some people have a big dirty basket in the laundry and they wait until the whole basket is full and do a big load of washing at once. I think if there's only a bit of washing and it already starts to annoy you then maybe you also have your particular quirks and habits. That doesn't mean they're right or wrong but everyone has them and it's about compromise. 

I also think that while it might seem unfair, sometimes you do need to do something yourself because the other person actually just can't. I know you work as well but you finish work at 5:00 p.m. and you're working from home. Whereas your husband finishes work at 8:00 p.m. and he works from the airport. How far away is the airport? I'm guessing he might get home about 8:30 p.m. or later by the time he leaves the airport. Usually it's hard to get out of the airport lol

So while for example it's annoying if you always have to cook dinner. But if your husband doesn't get home until say 9:00 p.m. then he's just physically not there to cook dinner. Do you know what I mean? I do believe everything in marriage needs to be 50/50 but it needs to be within reason. 

I think definitely talk to your husband about what your expectations are but remember that his might not be the same. I think you need to come to a compromise that can work for both of you. Maybe he can help more when he is home.  But I don't think you can be resentful that you're having to do chores when he's just not there. E.g. If you want orange juice and he doesn't get home until 9:00 p.m., you might need to go buy the orange juice. 

I think that nagging your husband to do things won't work because nobody likes to be nagged. I think you need to specifically ask him to do things and be clear. But maybe also try to relax a bit and not always feel like chores need to be done 24/7. Like, how often do you do laundry or scrub the toilet or shower? Maybe the laundry can be done once the basket is full. Maybe try not to make your whole marriage just about chores and arguing about that. 

I understand when you were single maybe you had your own schedules and ways of doing things. But when you're living with another person things just can't be exactly like you want all the time. I think there need to be new ways of organising things that can suit you both. E.g. If your husband gets home from work at 9:00 p.m., it's a bit late and probably not realistic that he'll start doing laundry. But on his day off it might be realistic to ask him to do it. 

I just want to say thank you so much for your elaborate and thoughtful response, it gave me a lot of insight. 

So, the reason I feel the chores are not divided as equally is correct - he isn't home as often as I am. And of course, I just take care of everything while he isn't home. But, if he were to take care of some things before work OR on his days off, then I wouldn't have chore after chore during the week.
 

I want to emphasize that I don't expect him to do much of anything when he gets home from work. He usually has dinner waiting for him and we watch a show or something or talk until it's time for bed. I do consider him with that. I did apologize for the juice situation, and I realized it wasn't the juice. I was (am) just upset at the uneven chore division, and how he no longer does most of the chores he used to do when w first moved in. Granted, it was only the first week or so but I really thought it'd stick. For example, he once grabbed a load of laundry and placed it in the wash. 
For a few weekends, he was scrubbing the bathtub. 
On 1 weeknd, he helped mop while I swept the floor. I thought it'd always be like that. 

And yet for the past 2-3 weekends I've been doing everything. He still takes care of breakfast most days (except his weekends when he's too lazy so he sleeps in) and most dishes. But that's about it really. I definitely feel he can do more. But he's so tired even on his days off that he just sleeps, or we usually go out and do something. He no longer tosses the laundry to wash. I don't see what the inconvenience is, takes 10 seconds. I had to scrub the bathtub because it was starting to get a disgusting yellow circle in 1 small area and it's very noticeable. (it's otherwise squeaky clean) and yet it been there for weeks. I had to figure out how to take it off and I did. And  that is something he used to take care. At LEAST. The bathroom can get away with once a week. He agrees but doesn't do it anymore... 
 

I also want to emphasize that my husband does expect to live in a clean household, he is clean himself so I don't have to clean up after him too much but I feel he DOES leaves a lot to me in order to maintain that standard which makes me bitter. I also like living in a clean house but there's a lot that entails. If I leave the bed unmade consistently he will ask me why I don't do it. And therein lies the problem. If I do not scrub the stove it will not get done. If the toilet isn't scrubbed, or the small trash bin is full, these are questions I get asked. He will do it, but not without asking me about it first. And therein lies the problem. 

So I don't think I'm being quite unfair. It's just the switch in behavior that has me upset. The fact that I expect him to just do things without me asking is.. not sustainable really, and just the tired woman in me refusing to raise a man and take on his mental load; I just want him to be an equitable partner on his own. 
 

 

[Coily]

Do you criticize the way he does his chores in the past? Or are you openly  grateful the chore is done? 

For his sake, annulment may be the best option, so he can find a woman who will communicate with him and not build this level of resentment. He asks you if a task needs to be done and you still resent him. You seem to just want to wave a magic wand and have him read your mind about tasks. You made assumptions that he would just keep doing X, rather than talk about it. That isn’t “raising a man”, that is setting your self up for disappointment through presumption.

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Coily said:

Do you criticize the way he does his chores in the past? Or are you openly  grateful the chore is done? 

For his sake, annulment may be the best option, so he can find a woman who will communicate with him and not build this level of resentment. He asks you if a task needs to be done and you still resent him. You seem to just want to wave a magic wand and have him read your mind about tasks. You made assumptions that he would just keep doing X, rather than talk about it. That isn’t “raising a man”, that is setting your self up for disappointment through presumption.

I don't think she has to be openly grateful -unless he is and that's how they roll - but I agree if she micromanages how he does something, etc. then that level of criticism would be an issue!

I wouldn't ever worry to the extent the OP does about a small yellow spot on a squeaky clean bathtub unless there was some reason to -like it reflected a larger issue like a bug infestation or bad mold.  I've seen that in hotel bathtubs and it doesn't bother me -I just avoid that area.  So I'm wondering if your husband simply overlooks that level of detail too.  

I also don't relate to the amount of time you spend on meals -you don't have kids - I mean if it's easy enough to make him what you're eating -like double the recipe etc then sure but if it's a lot more work for you -he's a grownup, let him get his own breakfast once he wakes up on a weekend.  If you enjoy cooking/preparing for him then that's fine but then it's not a chore to be divided up.  

Last night -which is somewhat unusual -we all had dinner at the same time and it was a dinner I prepared.  We don't eat at the same table.  I set up the food in the kitchen with serving utensils, and we each prepared our own plate of food.  He got seconds on his own.  He was very appreciative as was my teenager.  I also prepped leftovers for him to take to work today for lunch and used other leftovers and made my son's lunch for today.  Meanwhile my husband and son worked together organizing my son's papers for school (I know -son should do that on his own but I was grateful my husband supervised it!).  It felt good. 

I was tired as we had to eat late last night and I had a sink full of dishes plus the lunch prep to do - but - I didn't feel resentful.  I took out the garbage and as usual my husband without my asking lined the trash can with a new bag right away.  I didn't express gratefulness to him for that - he's been doing that for years -he hates taking out garbage -I don't mind - and his lining the can makes it easier for me to then throw out the papers I use to open the incinerator door.  Look -I'm sharing the mundane details but it's in those details that a relationship is made -we do this silently, routinely, no need to discuss, and truthfully he is better than me at lining the can lol.  I am better at prepping food and cleaning up. 

He is better at dealing with our teenager's avalanche of school papers.  Is it equal? Likely not.  I spent a long time prepping dinner and cleaning up.  Resentment? No.  His accolades about my food last night  -wonderful - but - totally fine if he hadn't said anything and just eaten what I made.  Because..... I'm not keeping score and if I find myself veering that way some self-talk is in order. 

You're keeping score but unfairly because your standards of cleanliness are not his and yes he's changed what he used to do but talk to him -maybe he's extra tired from work, maybe he's being a jerk - who knows -or maybe he's baffled as to why you're scrubbing a tiny yellow spot in a tub two people use likely only for a shower - instead of chilling with him in front of the TV, etc.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

 If I leave the bed unmade consistently he will ask me why I don't do it. 

Next time ask him why didn't he.  Unfortunately you two are in a power struggle and that seems to be consuming a lot of both of your time and energy.

Two healthy working childless people in their 20s really don't need groceries delivered or housekeepers as if you're disabled or elderly.. The power struggle and bickering itself sounds more exhausting than any of these household tasks.

This isn't about relaxing or upgrading cleanliness levels because that's not the problem. The problem is you want him to participate more in household tasks and he thinks you should do them more.

That's a power struggle. You're both playing  "who's the boss?" and nobody's winning. Even if he picks up juice or you make the bed, you'll both find something else to bicker about.

[Seraphim]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Next time ask him why didn't he.  Unfortunately you two are in a power struggle and that seems to be consuming a lot of both of your time and energy.

Two healthy working childless people in their 20s really don't need groceries delivered or housekeepers as if you're disabled or elderly.. The power struggle and bickering itself sounds more exhausting than any of these household tasks.

This isn't about relaxing or upgrading cleanliness levels because that's not the problem. The problem is you want him to participate more in household tasks and he thinks you should do them more. That a power struggle. You're both playing  "who's the boss?" and nobody's winning. 

Agreed. 

[boltnrun]

So did you choose not to have a calm discussion with him about your concerns? If you chose not to, how do you expect this to be resolved?

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Next time ask him why didn't he.  Unfortunately you two are in a power struggle and that seems to be consuming a lot of both of your time and energy.

Two healthy working childless people in their 20s really don't need groceries delivered or housekeepers as if you're disabled or elderly.. The power struggle and bickering itself sounds more exhausting than any of these household tasks.

This isn't about relaxing or upgrading cleanliness levels because that's not the problem. The problem is you want him to participate more in household tasks and he thinks you should do them more.

That's a power struggle. You're both playing  "who's the boss?" and nobody's winning. Even if he picks up juice or you make the bed, you'll both find something else to bicker about.

So hypothetically think of what you would do in this situation.  Last week I emailed husband -please give me our bank account info so I can upload to our (paypal type service) and not pay the credit card fee for a big payment I need to make for son's school trip.  (To save $5-10).  The payment is due today. He still hasn't sent me the details -I don't have access just as a practical matter. He knows I plan to delete the info right after I use it.

Today I sent him a reminder email.  A very polite email.  Now -I could have forwarded him the 2-3 times I asked him last week as a sort of "ugh - why I am having to REMIND you again??"  But I didn't.  I was tempted as I'm a bit annoyed.  But - then I self talk -remind myself about a couple of things he has followed up again plus his comment to me last night "hey if it's raining out and you want me to drive him to the bus stop this week -just wake me up ok?"  So instead I simply sent him another, polite email.  

It's all about that - there are many daily interactions like this -one person drops the ball or doesn't throw it fast enough as per your standards, one person promises to do X and doesn't follow through and - sometimes -there's a late fee attached.  I once cleaned the darn remote control, put it down, got distracted and then couldn't figure out why the TV wasn't working (because in cleaning it I pressed some nonsense that disabled whatever).  I almost had a technician come over and we'd have been charged $$$ once he realized what happened.  I caught the error at the last minute. 

My husband's reaction? We basically laughed it off after I apologized about my mistake (wasn't asked to -I felt so embarrassed!).  I think I'd called him too during the troubleshooting and he begged me not to change our passwords etc.  I caused him stress and I made the mistake and.... we laughed it off and my remote control privileges were reinstated ;-). 

It really is in those small examples because they accumulate and can build resentment if the interactions are by default antagonistic rather than graceful/cutting slack/laughing at oneself because - OMG husband slept in and ..... now he has to get his own breakfast or..... actually skip it as it's already 11am on a Sunday!  I'm a creature of habit too. I try not to let it burden others or get to that point.  How about you?

[Morello]

I might disagree with most posters above. From the OP's description, her husband stopped doing the chores he used to do, and has not addressed the issue at all with her and seems to be just living life as usual. She's then left to pick up the pieces and keep reminding him of what needs to be done, which does not seem to be enough. Does she actually need to ask him directly to do things? Why is this on her? A demanding job does not give a pass for people to not contribute a similar amount and just assume this is acceptable without a common ground. I get people saying that two people in a couple are never going to contribute the same, but this is different from systematically freeloading on partners to do the hard work.

Had he at least been proactive and addressed the issue with her first, then I'd cut him some slack, but from the description it just sounds like he's lazy and not putting in his share of the effort and wishing the issue away. Others here saying she needs to keep "communicating" with (i.e. asking) him to do stuff are missing the point. This is like mother's behaviour. He's a grown-up man and surely knows how much he needs to step in.

[cuddlebunny777]

26 minutes ago, Morello said:

I might disagree with most posters above. From the OP's description, her husband stopped doing the chores he used to do, and has not addressed the issue at all with her and seems to be just living life as usual. She's then left to pick up the pieces and keep reminding him of what needs to be done, which does not seem to be enough. Does she actually need to ask him directly to do things? Why is this on her? A demanding job does not give a pass for people to not contribute a similar amount and just assume this is acceptable without a common ground. I get people saying that two people in a couple are never going to contribute the same, but this is different from systematically freeloading on partners to do the hard work.

Had he at least been proactive and addressed the issue with her first, then I'd cut him some slack, but from the description it just sounds like he's lazy and not putting in his share of the effort and wishing the issue away. Others here saying she needs to keep "communicating" with (i.e. asking) him to do stuff are missing the point. This is like mother's behaviour. He's a grown-up man and surely knows how much he needs to step in.

Thank you. This is exactly word-for-word what I'm trying to say. This is it. Nothing more, nothing less. 

[Tinydance]

Well when you've talked to your husband about the chores issues, what did he say? Is he not agreeing that he needs to do more chores? It sounds like he does have an expectation that you'll do most of them if he always asks why didn't you do it. When he can do it as well. I guess the problem is you can't just keep nagging him because that will just build resentment. Your husband has to take initiative without constantly being asked. But looks like he doesn't want to do that? 

The other issue is I don't think it would really be possible for your husband to do any big chores before he starts work. If he starts work at 12:00 p.m. and he needs to travel to work first, it wouldn't really leave a lot if time after waking up to do something like laundry or vacuuming the house. So unfortunately it seems like maybe your husband would only really be able to do something like that on his day off. 

I know it sucks but the problem is your husband is just not home for most of the day on weekdays so he's not physically there. So for example if you decide to cook lunch on your lunch break, obviously that's you having to do that because your husband isn't at home. 

I guess what I meant by having to compromise and adjust is trying to work with the situation. For example, if you'd like both of you to cook, your husband could cook on his day off. He could make a big batch of food and keep some leftovers in the fridge or freezer for later.

I think his chores need to be more realistic in terms of his schedule. He doesn't get home until after 8:00 p.m. so obviously he's not that likely to cook dinner so late. But you said he cooks breakfast for you most of the time and does the dishes most of the time. 

I could be wrong (sorry if I am), but I'm getting some impression that you're actually quite strict about chores. You said: "At least the bathroom can get away with scrubbing once a week". That sounds like you want it to be more than that? But you'll settle for once a week? To me once a week actually seems pretty often. It's not that likely that every week the shower gets really dirty or mouldy or something. Like, I'm not disputing that chores do need to be done. Or that your husband should help. But your expectations also sound a bit high.

You said you're worried you made a mistake to get married. Is this mostly because of the chores or is there anything else? You mentioned you hadn't been in a relationship or lived with anyone before your husband. I think you would find with any person that they have their own quirks and bad habits. Even if it's something else like the way they organise the fridge or pantry or something. I just don’t think that you'll ever find someone who matches 100% how you want things done. Likewise some things you do would be annoying to someone else as well. That's just how it is because people are all different. That's why I was saying that it's really important to communicate and find some compromises.

I found it a bit strange that you were saying maybe you shouldn't have gotten married or things were better when you were single. Seems a bit silly to say it's better to be single just because chores would be done how you want them. I think you're placing a huge importance on chores and placing it above your actual relationship.

[boltnrun]

I still think a conversation is called for. Not just asking for chores to be done but an actual conversation. Such as "I feel the chores are not equitably divided (not 'evenly' or '50/50') and it's causing me to feel some resentment. Can we come to an agreement on who will do what and when?"

[cuddlebunny777]

45 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well when you've talked to your husband about the chores issues, what did he say? Is he not agreeing that he needs to do more chores? It sounds like he does have an expectation that you'll do most of them if he always asks why didn't you do it. When he can do it as well. I guess the problem is you can't just keep nagging him because that will just build resentment. Your husband has to take initiative without constantly being asked. But looks like he doesn't want to do that? 

The other issue is I don't think it would really be possible for your husband to do any big chores before he starts work. If he starts work at 12:00 p.m. and he needs to travel to work first, it wouldn't really leave a lot if time after waking up to do something like laundry or vacuuming the house. So unfortunately it seems like maybe your husband would only really be able to do something like that on his day off. 

I know it sucks but the problem is your husband is just not home for most of the day on weekdays so he's not physically there. So for example if you decide to cook lunch on your lunch break, obviously that's you having to do that because your husband isn't at home. 

I guess what I meant by having to compromise and adjust is trying to work with the situation. For example, if you'd like both of you to cook, your husband could cook on his day off. He could make a big batch of food and keep some leftovers in the fridge or freezer for later.

I think his chores need to be more realistic in terms of his schedule. He doesn't get home until after 8:00 p.m. so obviously he's not that likely to cook dinner so late. But you said he cooks breakfast for you most of the time and does the dishes most of the time. 

I could be wrong (sorry if I am), but I'm getting some impression that you're actually quite strict about chores. You said: "At least the bathroom can get away with scrubbing once a week". That sounds like you want it to be more than that? But you'll settle for once a week? To me once a week actually seems pretty often. It's not that likely that every week the shower gets really dirty or mouldy or something. Like, I'm not disputing that chores do need to be done. Or that your husband should help. But your expectations also sound a bit high.

You said you're worried you made a mistake to get married. Is this mostly because of the chores or is there anything else? You mentioned you hadn't been in a relationship or lived with anyone before your husband. I think you would find with any person that they have their own quirks and bad habits. Even if it's something else like the way they organise the fridge or pantry or something. I just don’t think that you'll ever find someone who matches 100% how you want things done. Likewise some things you do would be annoying to someone else as well. That's just how it is because people are all different. That's why I was saying that it's really important to communicate and find some compromises.

I found it a bit strange that you were saying maybe you shouldn't have gotten married or things were better when you were single. Seems a bit silly to say it's better to be single just because chores would be done how you want them. I think you're placing a huge importance on chores and placing it above your actual relationship.

Well he wakes up around 9ish or later to make breakfast, then he rests, does the dishes, and showers about 10 mins before he's supposed to leave. As you can imagine that type of routine leaves no time for anything. So I have to get up and prepare his work bag. He is usually rushing out the door. And the kitchen and room is a mess. 
 

Today though, he woke up quite a bit earlier and we were done with breakfast by 10 am. Dishes were done, bed was made. He showered super early too and got ready. He made his own work bag, and even had time leftover even after everything was done. The reason he woke up early though, is because he had received a package and wanted to open it before work lol. So he is actually capable of doing quite a bit in the morning, as he showed me today. He just chooses not to-  if he doesn't have an external motivation.  Getting up early enough to Help me around the house before work is apparently not motivating enough. That's my issue, too. Maybe the root of the problem. 

[cuddlebunny777]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I still think a conversation is called for. Not just asking for chores to be done but an actual conversation. Such as "I feel the chores are not equitably divided (not 'evenly' or '50/50') and it's causing me to feel some resentment. Can we come to an agreement on who will do what and when?"

Yes. I agree. Well this past weekend we agreed to talk and we haven't so, I will bring it up just like that this weekend. 
 

Question: what's the difference between equitably and evenly? And why not use evenly. I have to find a word in Spanish for it. my husband is latin American so he will not know the word "equitable"

Ty in advance! 

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Yes. I agree. Well this past weekend we agreed to talk and we haven't so, I will bring it up just like that this weekend. 
 

Question: what's the difference between equitably and evenly? And why not use evenly. I have to find a word in Spanish for it. my husband is latin American so he will not know the word "equitable"

Ty in advance! 

Why are you preparing his work bag??

Equitable = fair.

Evenly = technically even.

So it can be fair without being technically even.