My husband says since I'm home more I should "do" more. He's referring to chores

[boltnrun]

In Spanish:

equitativo

[tattoobunnie]

4 hours ago, Morello said:

I might disagree with most posters above.

Same here.  She wouldn't have to keep asking him if he would take initiate or do as requested the first time.  Just because he's not home as much doesn't mean he can't pitch in with managing the household.  She didn't sign up to work full-time, and wait on him hand and foot.  Nor, should she be made to because of some "traditional roles."  It does not have to be the same chores, but it needs to be designated who does what, and equitably.

She is telling him her needs.  He dismisses her.  Sometimes it really is about just getting some juice on their way home.

[cuddlebunny777]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Why are you preparing his work bag??

Equitable = fair.

Evenly = technically even.

So it can be fair without being technically even.

Because he is almost always rushing to get ready. Lately though I've just been letting him do it. But at first he used to always ask me to help him. And then it became a thing.  

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Because he is almost always rushing to get ready. Lately though I've just been letting him do it. But at first he used to always ask me to help him. And then it became a thing.  

Right so Un-Thing it.  I Un-Thing things here.  I delegate, shift it over, etc.  Guess what -he will: leave things behind and/or be late and he will learn better time management skills.

Sometimes -since my husband is a procrastinator -I leave the room while he's getting ready/looking for things because if I'm busy with my own Things I don't want to be distracted especially if I just returned from getting our son off to school -which is my Thing.

Sometimes I offer to help.  Or respond to "do you know where ____ is?" Because he is very very appreciative when I do.  But yes I've seen him run really late, he'll return home twice to pick up the thing he forgot-etc. It's good to let people make those sorts of "mistakes" cause it often triggers change.  Good change. Stop swooping in.

[Tinydance]

I don't actually think you should be preparing his lunch or his work bag in the morning. I agree that there are things he needs to do himself and these are at least two things he needs to do himself. You are not his Mum so it's just too much to be packing his bag. Just say to him: "Look I actually can't pack your bag because I start work at 9:00 a.m. and I've got a lot of my own things to do before work." Have a conversation with him and just clearly say your expectations. I'm not defending him but maybe he just doesn't know what your expectations actually are. E.g. "On your day off, can you do the laundry and that can be your chore."

I think he is doing some chores in the sense that you said he's clean and you don't clean up after him. I think some chores are "do as you go along chores". For example, if he spills something, does he clean it up? If the toilet paper runs out, puts new toilet paper there? Hangs up his clothes? Does he do things like that? I'm not saying he's doing everything he can, probably he can do more. But you said he mostly is the one to cook breakfast and do the dishes. So he is doing *something*. 

But thing is people do deserve to relax on their time off as well. I don't think you can make all of his day off just doing chores. Same for you as well. Maybe you could have a fortnightly plan where one day off you just rest or do something fun together. Next week you do chores. 

I could be wrong but to me it just seems that you are so focused on chores and you didn't mention you're doing much for fun as a couple. Marriage is about connecting and also doing enjoyable things together. I think if you only view it in terms of who has to do what then it's just not sustainable.

[Jaunty]

12 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Well he wakes up around 9ish or later to make breakfast, then he rests, does the dishes, and showers about 10 mins before he's supposed to leave. As you can imagine that type of routine leaves no time for anything. So I have to get up and prepare his work bag. 

 

This is one of several examples of co-dependent behavior on your part.   You've given others in your two prior threads.

WHY do you "have to get up and prepare his work bag"?  You do not have to.  You can let him do his own work bag, or be late for work.  His choices around time management have some consequences for him.

You've pretty much skirted the question that has been asked here quite a few times:  Why are you married to the man?  You have nothing good to say about him; you have taken a stance against working on your marriage with him.  You seem to be here to vent and hope that people will join you in talking about what a loser you're married to.  

Why not just stop being miserable and move on?

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

You've pretty much skirted the question that has been asked here quite a few times:  Why are you married to the man?  You have nothing good to say about him; you have taken a stance against working on your marriage with him.  You seem to be here to vent and hope that people will join you in talking about what a loser you're married to.  

Why not just stop being miserable and move on?

That's what I want to know too. 🤔

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You've pretty much skirted the question that has been asked here quite a few times:  Why are you married to the man?  You have nothing good to say about him; you have taken a stance against working on your marriage with him.  You seem to be here to vent and hope that people will join you in talking about what a loser you're married to.  

 

I raised a question about the finances and also got no answer. Because I doubt "Mrs he doesnt get me big enough flowers" wouldnt complain about that part of the equation if he doesnt pay more then his fair share there. So guy basically slaves away whole day on his feet and probably invests just as much and probably more then her in the home. Only for her to vent here and calls him useless because "he doesnt contributes enough". And she wants to talk about "equity" lol

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

. So I have to get up and prepare his work bag. 

A very simple solution is to stop doing all the stuff you resent and let him manage himself and his chores, errands,etc. This would solve the whole problem.

Both of you acting like responsible adults taking care of your own stuff. Including getting to work on time and cleaning up after yourselves.

Stop mothering him then resenting it. He's not a little baby who needs his laundry done or his lunch box prepared.

[kehratha]

OP, I understand you work from home.

Many times, people are under the impression that working from home is kinda staying home wife with some salary aside. I am too working from home (partially) so I know what I'm talking about.

In my case, I probably do more chores than my husband and my kids do(I didn't really put a lot of thoughts on that, really). I make the beds after they leave, I make my sons meal for school, I make some lunch for the kids (my husband eats at work). I do the laundry (because honestly, the energy cost is way more cheaper during the day). I do some cleaning in the working days, when I have time. 

I simply do all of this because I have the time and I make the time and because I prefer in the evening to stay with my family, go out, watch some shows, whatever, instead of waiting for them to come and do it together. I would feel like I would lose this time for doing chores.

In the weekend we do the major cleaning together, same as shopping etc. I don't touch the kitchen in the wkd :)), my husband and my daughter cook. 

Of course, it was not like that before pandemic , we did all the stuff together, but now  we have the possibility to do it like that and works best for us all.

You simply have to address  all your concerning to your husband and see what he says. I guess he doesn't think that it bothers you so much, so if it does, you have to speak for yourself, instead of waiting for miracles to happen. 

[mylolita]

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So hypothetically think of what you would do in this situation.  Last week I emailed husband -please give me our bank account info so I can upload to our (paypal type service) and not pay the credit card fee for a big payment I need to make for son's school trip.  (To save $5-10).  The payment is due today. He still hasn't sent me the details -I don't have access just as a practical matter. He knows I plan to delete the info right after I use it.

Today I sent him a reminder email.  A very polite email.  Now -I could have forwarded him the 2-3 times I asked him last week as a sort of "ugh - why I am having to REMIND you again??"  But I didn't.  I was tempted as I'm a bit annoyed.  But - then I self talk -remind myself about a couple of things he has followed up again plus his comment to me last night "hey if it's raining out and you want me to drive him to the bus stop this week -just wake me up ok?"  So instead I simply sent him another, polite email.  

It's all about that - there are many daily interactions like this -one person drops the ball or doesn't throw it fast enough as per your standards, one person promises to do X and doesn't follow through and - sometimes -there's a late fee attached.  I once cleaned the darn remote control, put it down, got distracted and then couldn't figure out why the TV wasn't working (because in cleaning it I pressed some nonsense that disabled whatever).  I almost had a technician come over and we'd have been charged $$$ once he realized what happened.  I caught the error at the last minute. 

My husband's reaction? We basically laughed it off after I apologized about my mistake (wasn't asked to -I felt so embarrassed!).  I think I'd called him too during the troubleshooting and he begged me not to change our passwords etc.  I caused him stress and I made the mistake and.... we laughed it off and my remote control privileges were reinstated ;-). 

It really is in those small examples because they accumulate and can build resentment if the interactions are by default antagonistic rather than graceful/cutting slack/laughing at oneself because - OMG husband slept in and ..... now he has to get his own breakfast or..... actually skip it as it's already 11am on a Sunday!  I'm a creature of habit too. I try not to let it burden others or get to that point.  How about you?

Sorry to side step this Batya, but I am laughing to myself here in the nicest way, just hearing the way you communicate with your husband via e-mail through the day, and comparing this with the way me and my husband communicate… 🤣

 

It’s funny if you could see the contrast I guess! Hahaha! 
 

Good for you two - you have to find what works, everyone’s multi-faceted and unique in their own person. As a couple you do mould together as a team, but you still have your own personalities and ways of doing things, thinking about things. It’s a balance, corny as that sounds, isn’t it! 
 

This thread huh! 
 

So many people struggle with communication. I’m not perfect either, neither is the hubby, but you get to where you need to be without hatred and resentment; I think - it’s a win! 
 

x

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Sorry to side step this Batya, but I am laughing to myself here in the nicest way, just hearing the way you communicate with your husband via e-mail through the day, and comparing this with the way me and my husband communicate… 🤣

 

It’s funny if you could see the contrast I guess! Hahaha! 
 

Good for you two - you have to find what works, everyone’s multi-faceted and unique in their own person. As a couple you do mould together as a team, but you still have your own personalities and ways of doing things, thinking about things. It’s a balance, corny as that sounds, isn’t it! 
 

This thread huh! 
 

So many people struggle with communication. I’m not perfect either, neither is the hubby, but you get to where you need to be without hatred and resentment; I think - it’s a win! 
 

x

I just want to limit the talk about The Things and boring stuff. Not because I'm resentful or stressed.  Errands/stuff is mostly boring IMO and if spouses have kids -where they are limited in adult time and/or just aren't home a lot/busy why not have more interesting/fun/funny convos?

OP many years ago my friend married the love of her life-apparently-they moved to another state/lived in an apartment pre-kids.  She said she was so annoyed with him because he emptied the clean laundry basket onto their bed (for folding).  But the sheets on the bed were not totally clean so she said she had to rewash all that laundry.

This was late 90s.  Not sure how long they were married -they've been divorced many years.  Not saying at all this was the reason but I remember -I was single at the time in my early 30s I thought -wow- you're arguing over laundry that came in contact with your bedsheets and you're going to rewash the whole thing? It's like that show the Odd Couple -the original series.  Totally fine if two people have that standard (like your yellow spot/making bed right away etc) but if not then IMO with that level of things you either compromise or outsource for family peace.  JMHO.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kehratha said:

n my case, I probably do more chores than my husband and my kids do(I didn't really put a lot of thoughts on that, really). I make the beds after they leave, I make my sons meal for school, I make some lunch for the kids (my husband eats at work). I do the laundry (because honestly, the energy cost is way more cheaper during the day). I do some cleaning in the working days, when I have time. 

Same situation here.  For me so I have some time to wind down at night (I go to bed much earlier than husband).  I only work part time so if it were full time -even from home -that might need to shift.

Example I gave earlier -husband basically dropped the ball on getting me the info I need to pay for a school trip by today.  He knows I am too tired at night to figure out silly passwords/forms unless really needed.  Because he dropped the ball he offered to take over and make sure it's paid by today.  I will NOT despite temptation - follow up on this deadline. If he messes it up, he'll deal with the consequences. 

And since we're getting better at this stuff-(yes marriage in some respects is a work in progress IMO) he didn't copy me on the emails to get the needed info - meaning it's not still partially a Thing on my long List.  Another couple might have -bickered and referred to "but it's the principle of the thing -you had a week to get this info to me and now we're at the deadline and I'm tired!!" Etc.  Point is it will get done ..... or not .... or not without some sort of inconvenience.  So much better to let the spouse handle it then launch into critique/micromanaging, a big Talk with "you always" stuff said out of irriitation.  

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But the sheets on the bed were not totally clean so she said she had to rewash all that laundry.

Wow, I am a complete clean freak/germophobe and that is something I would never think to do. Dang.

OP, do you want to resolve this? Or do you prefer to keep things as they are so you have something to get on your husband about? 

[Tiddytok5]

Perhaps you two just need to end the relationship permanently.  It sounds like your heart wasn't really in it, but you've decided to marry anyways. 

 

Maybe the two of you are trying to force compatibility,  and trying to force a situation and relationship that isn't meant to be.

 

 

It's okay to divorce. ..or to go back to living separately. 

 

A forced rushed  possibily incompatible relationship,  isn't ever going to  genuinely work.

Don't bring any children into this situation..