cuddlebunny777

Because he is almost always rushing to get ready. Lately though I've just been letting him do it. But at first he used to always ask me to help him. And then it became a thing.

Yes. I agree. Well this past weekend we agreed to talk and we haven't so, I will bring it up just like that this weekend. Question: what's the difference between equitably and evenly? And why not use evenly. I have to find a word in Spanish for it. my husband is latin American so he will not know the word "equitable" Ty in advance!

Well he wakes up around 9ish or later to make breakfast, then he rests, does the dishes, and showers about 10 mins before he's supposed to leave. As you can imagine that type of routine leaves no time for anything. So I have to get up and prepare his work bag. He is usually rushing out the door. And the kitchen and room is a mess. Today though, he woke up quite a bit earlier and we were done with breakfast by 10 am. Dishes were done, bed was made. He showered super early too and got ready. He made his own work bag, and even had time leftover even after everything was done. The reason he woke up early though, is because he had received a package and wanted to open it before work lol. So he is actually capable of doing quite a bit in the morning, as he showed me today. He just chooses not to- if he doesn't have an external motivation. Getting up early enough to Help me around the house before work is apparently not motivating enough. That's my issue, too. Maybe the root of the problem.

Thank you. This is exactly word-for-word what I'm trying to say. This is it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I just want to say thank you so much for your elaborate and thoughtful response, it gave me a lot of insight. So, the reason I feel the chores are not divided as equally is correct - he isn't home as often as I am. And of course, I just take care of everything while he isn't home. But, if he were to take care of some things before work OR on his days off, then I wouldn't have chore after chore during the week. I want to emphasize that I don't expect him to do much of anything when he gets home from work. He usually has dinner waiting for him and we watch a show or something or talk until it's time for bed. I do consider him with that. I did apologize for the juice situation, and I realized it wasn't the juice. I was (am) just upset at the uneven chore division, and how he no longer does most of the chores he used to do when w first moved in. Granted, it was only the first week or so but I really thought it'd stick. For example, he once grabbed a load of laundry and placed it in the wash. For a few weekends, he was scrubbing the bathtub. On 1 weeknd, he helped mop while I swept the floor. I thought it'd always be like that. And yet for the past 2-3 weekends I've been doing everything. He still takes care of breakfast most days (except his weekends when he's too lazy so he sleeps in) and most dishes. But that's about it really. I definitely feel he can do more. But he's so tired even on his days off that he just sleeps, or we usually go out and do something. He no longer tosses the laundry to wash. I don't see what the inconvenience is, takes 10 seconds. I had to scrub the bathtub because it was starting to get a disgusting yellow circle in 1 small area and it's very noticeable. (it's otherwise squeaky clean) and yet it been there for weeks. I had to figure out how to take it off and I did. And that is something he used to take care. At LEAST. The bathroom can get away with once a week. He agrees but doesn't do it anymore... I also want to emphasize that my husband does expect to live in a clean household, he is clean himself so I don't have to clean up after him too much but I feel he DOES leaves a lot to me in order to maintain that standard which makes me bitter. I also like living in a clean house but there's a lot that entails. If I leave the bed unmade consistently he will ask me why I don't do it. And therein lies the problem. If I do not scrub the stove it will not get done. If the toilet isn't scrubbed, or the small trash bin is full, these are questions I get asked. He will do it, but not without asking me about it first. And therein lies the problem. So I don't think I'm being quite unfair. It's just the switch in behavior that has me upset. The fact that I expect him to just do things without me asking is.. not sustainable really, and just the tired woman in me refusing to raise a man and take on his mental load; I just want him to be an equitable partner on his own.

It would've been the same reaction though. He would've gotten upset that I asked and didn't do it myself. It's not the fact that I didn't ask. It's the fact that I wanted him to do it that got him upset. Very different.

It's me again, hi. For those who need more context on my sitch: please read my other post to get an idea, I hate to rewrite it, it's too much detail I'm sorry. Since I am trying to get my husband to contribute more without absolutely overwhelming him. today I reminded him that that there was no juice. He knows this. And he kept saying "it's fine" I didn't want him to feel obligated to go and get it so I told him "we need juice and eggs" He again says it's fine. He was trying to play dumb with me. Then he comes home, I am obviously a bit upset and asks me if I expected him to come home with juice. I said "yes I would've liked that" and he goes off on me talking about his shoes got wet in the rain and why couldn't I have gone and why can't I be more considerate? (He's been walking all day at work) and he goes on and on about how since I was already out I could've done it. Well yes but I hadn't even taken a shower from how busy I was after work, and didn't want to go in the grocery store un-showered. I am usually the one replenishing everything in our house, several times a week and doing grocery trips alone for a month now so that he can relax more. I ask him ONE time to get some juice and this is the response I get. We are making zero progress. Before you ask: why didn't I directly ask him? I stayed to him that there was no juice. He understands this means I am asking him. We speak like that sometimes. In the past, I could say that and he would offer to bring home whatever I mentioned. Sometimes we ask but we don't always have to. We like when the other person offers. So, I was waiting for him to offer. When he didn't, yes I got upset. There are two of us in this house, we know what's missing and what isn't. He knows there's no juice. Asking is just unnecessary. The bottom line is he didn't want to go and he didn't plan on it either because he knew I'd go.

I didn't directly ask though. I just said there's no juice and he keep saying it's fine it's fine. I wanted him to offer so that he wouldn't feel obligated and I knew he was just playing dumb because when he got home he asked if I had wanted him to bring it...... I said YES I WOULDVE LIKED THAT. And he said I've been walking all day you need to be more considerate he usually took care of it before we got married. I'd tell him we're missing something and he'd offer to bring it home w/no problem. Now he doesn't. And the attitude stinks.

I didn't want to ask because I didn't want him to feel obligated to do it. So yes, I did expect him to offer. He didn't. And got upset about me. Not because I didn't ask but because I wanted him to do it. So, he would've gotten upset at me either way. also yes I do expect him to offer bc we both drink juice and we both live in the house and know what we need. and yet I never ask him to pick up anything I am always replenishing stuff several times a week so I don't see why he can't do it SOMETIMES. he's just acting like a spoiled brat.

Bc since he works on his feet all day he doesn't want to walk anymore when he gets off work. And he said why couldn't I do it. I told him I was running around doing other stuff and didn't get the chance. He completely dismissed me and said I should've picked it up since I was already out.

I just reminded him there was no juice and he came home and asked me if I wanted him to go pick it up. I said I would've liked that. And he said I should be more considerate. He hasn't stopped on his way home from work for ANYTHING in over 2 months (bc usually I take care of getting stuff when we're running low) and he hasn't gone grocery shopping w me in about a month.

He makes breakfast, does the dishes often, (usually when I'm at work) those are the only things he does pretty consistently (usually bc I'm at work) that he doesn't expect me to do it. Everything else he silently expects me to take care of when I'm off work.

Correction: my husband does not work construction at the airport. He just works in customer service. He's walking all day to and from different sides of the airport. About this list of chores: We both check off what's done? How do we know who does what? lol. Do we just randomly start doing chores and assign it to ourselves? Trying to understand better

I did tell him that I'd like to talk. So far all I got was "ugh can we do it another day" (that was on Monday- his day off) let's see what day he chooses.

I tried to tell him this and he's like "there's no such thing as being ready" so I'm like am I just making excuses?