My husband says since I'm home more I should "do" more. He's referring to chores

[cuddlebunny777]

24 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My husband works a very mentally stressful job that challenges his disability to the maximum. He works 7:30-5  He also started a Masters Degree which he does online at night . He had 4 chores inside the house . I have taken over 3 of them as I am working on my business part time by choice as I am burnout and been suffering severe anxiety. So I have taken over most of his inside work because for the next 6 years he will be in a pressure cooker with work and a Masters. 
 

Marriage is a team effort and sport . 

And in return what does he do for you? When he isn't working or studying? I mean, if you feel that's fair, but I personally couldn't see myself in that position, and that's where I struggle. Bc I know at some point I will be there. And if my husband doesn't have time to do any chores I'm going to be upset. Unfortunately. What were his chores and which one does he still do? 

[cuddlebunny777]

29 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Others may disagree, I don't know, but my thought is you don't say that. You are saying you know this is not him needing to change, it's deeper, you don't know if you can commit to this marriage. You need to figure that out one way or another. If you are in, be in. If you are out, be out. I can imagine anyone being ok hearing their new wife or hubby saying " yeah I'm not sure if this is what I want". He can't fix that so you'd be torturing him for nothing. 

Well, part of him is him and part of it is me....  

he sometimes gives the impression that he married me so I could take care of his chores while he figures out his life and that's part of what leads me to question if this is right for me. because there is nothing wrong w that, but I don't know if it's for ME.

[boltnrun]

When I was married I only worked part time the first few years. My husband worked full time. But he still washed the dishes after I had cooked dinner and we were finished eating. Then we relaxed on the couch together. He ironed his own dress shirts. We did laundry together (and we had to use a communal laundry room). When our son was born we took turns getting up in the middle of the night, changing diapers and feeding him and he would give the baby a bath while I cleaned up after dinner. I did the grocery shopping and he helped put things away. No one kept track of who was working more hours. 

Now, his job was more mentally demanding than physical. But even with doing chores he still had time to play his guitar and read books and watch Drew Carey (his favorite show).

I stand by my earlier advice: talk calmly to him when you aren't arguing or just finished an argument. Don't use "You never" or "I ALWAYS" statements. Those are not helpful.

Not wanting to be married is a separate issue, but I wonder if things would improve if your husband did more of the chores and cleaning up.

[cuddlebunny777]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When I was married I only worked part time the first few years. My husband worked full time. But he still washed the dishes after I had cooked dinner and we were finished eating. Then we relaxed on the couch together. He ironed his own dress shirts. We did laundry together (and we had to use a communal laundry room). When our son was born we took turns getting up in the middle of the night, changing diapers and feeding him and he would give the baby a bath while I cleaned up after dinner. I did the grocery shopping and he helped put things away. No one kept track of who was working more hours. 

Now, his job was more mentally demanding than physical. But even with doing chores he still had time to play his guitar and read books and watch Drew Carey (his favorite show).

I stand by my earlier advice: talk calmly to him when you aren't arguing or just finished an argument. Don't use "You never" or "I ALWAYS" statements. Those are not helpful.

Not wanting to be married is a separate issue, but I wonder if things would improve if your husband did more of the chores and cleaning up.

Why are you no longer married to him, if I may ask?

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

And in return what does he do for you? When he isn't working or studying? I mean, if you feel that's fair, but I personally couldn't see myself in that position, and that's where I struggle. Bc I know at some point I will be there. And if my husband doesn't have time to do any chores I'm going to be upset. Unfortunately. What were his chores and which one does he still do? 

He does tons for me. If I am working part time for now and he makes 6 figures who is floating our life ? Him. He makes my breakfast because he is up earlier. He does laundry , wash, fold and put away. He does the grass and snow blows the drive way, he takes out the garbage .  He will go to the store for me. He supports me emotionally and on and on. He does A LOT. I supported him in massive ways over the last year because he had a TBI , now I am burnout and he is helping me . 
 

When we were young I did everything , including float the entire life on my income because his mental state was so bad. 
 

Marriage is never 50/50. Ever. One or the other is always giving more or differently. Marriage is a TEAM. You are thinking still as an individual. 

[cuddlebunny777]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

He does tons for me. If I am working part time for now and he makes 6 figures who is floating our life ? Him. He makes my breakfast because he is up earlier. He does laundry , wash, fold and put away. He does the grass and snow blows the drive way, he takes out the garbage .  He will go to the store for me. He supports me emotionally and on and on. He does A LOT. I supported him in massive ways over the last year because he had a TBI , now I am burnout and he is helping me . 
 

When we were young I did everything , including float the entire life on my income because his mental state was so bad. 
 

Marriage is never 50/50. Ever. One or the other is always giving more or differently. Marriage is a TEAM. You are thinking still as an individual. 

Well that's fair. Your husband does a lot more than mine lol. 
 

how do I stop thinking as an individual when I feel respect is lost through these things? 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

He sometimes gives the impression that he married me so I could take care of his chores while he figures out his life 

You can always have the marriage annulled and move back home.  If you feel like a housekeeper or his mother, this is not off to a good start. Do you live in a country/culture where there strict gender roles are present? Such as he has a "man's job" (physical labor) so your job is "women's work" doing the domestic chores?

Your story seems to make little sense from being "forced" to marry by his mother to mothering him making his lunch then getting irritated that he doesn't fold laundry? 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Well that's fair. Your husband does a lot more than mine lol. 
 

how do I stop thinking as an individual when I feel respect is lost through these things? 

Have you ever played a team sport ? How does the team get ahead ?

[boltnrun]

42 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Why are you no longer married to him, if I may ask?

Like I mentioned earlier, I got married when I wasn't ready to be a wife. I had wanted to date him a few more years but he insisted on marriage. I was barely old enough to buy myself a beer when we got married.

[cuddlebunny777]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Like I mentioned earlier, I got married when I wasn't ready to be a wife. I had wanted to date him a few more years but he insisted on marriage. I was barely old enough to buy myself a beer when we got married.

I tried to tell him this and he's like "there's no such thing as being ready" so I'm like am I just making excuses? 

[Wonderstruck]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I read somewhere that even when women work full time, they still do the majority of domestic work and child care.

You're absolutely right.

Which is wildly unfair, because you can't defend this with "Well, she's a housewife who's at home all day, and has more time and energy to take care of the domestic labour".

Nope, women are expected to have a full-time job, AND take care of the majority of the domestic labour, AND take care of the majority of child-raising.

But marriage is a TEAM, right?

Now tell me the part about the compromises and sacrifices that the MAN has to make for the team.

@cuddlebunny777, you are absolutely right to feel all of the frustration and resentment that you are feeling right now.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I tried to tell him this and he's like "there's no such thing as being ready"

There's no such thing as being 100% sure that your marriage will last and be perfect.  I think there is such a thing as being ready -with a combo of head and heart -to get married or enter into a marital life commitment.  Because I know what I was like when I wasn't -and when I was.  Big difference. Essential difference.  And what you're asking him is per your standards.  I don't make my bed when I get up because when I get up I immediately put on my gym clothes and run down to the small gym in our building -it's around 4:50am.  If I don't get there around then especially during the school week I won't have time to have some breakfast before getting my son up for school.  My husband would do laundry/dishes if I asked but it would be on his time -meaning likely late at night when I'm already asleep. 

He also like Seraphim's husband until 2022 worked more than full time, traveled a whole lot, took care of his aging parents when they were alive and worked on another advanced degree which he accomplished in 2022.  I worked full time at home as a SAHM our first 7 years of marriage and for the last 7 years I've worked part time and done the child care (he's 14 now). My husband does little housework -he does some of the handy work, like I said above I don't make his meals for the most part, he relines the garbage cans while I take the garbage out and he helps my son with his homewrk and studying (my husband is a math genius).  And for the first time my son is going to school a distance away so we're sharing in the pain of the commute.  

Since I work part time and he works more than full time I do more of the housework. Also I'll admit I like how I do certain thing more than he does so in part that's on me.  He takes my son out to get take out/out for dinner (I prefer to eat in) so I get a break that way.

We absolutely were ready. Living together before would have made little difference since we would have been living together without a newborn LOL.  Yes he got up middle of the night those early days - and yes when our son was 2 weeks old he started traveling 2-3 days a week while I was home solo parenting.  It was REALLY hard and yes sometimes I was just wild with exhaustion -like the time he was gone for 5 days, finally got home, I so needed to hand off the baby to him and crash and he..... had a headache and threw up from the jet lag/sleep deprived and stresstful travel and exhaustion. I had no family help and didn't hire anyone to help because I didn't trust anyone near my baby (our parents were too old/disabled or caretaking their disable spouse -to help although they wanted to).  My husband supported me hiring whoever. 

Life isn't fair.  It sucked actually. But it never made me question our marriage or commitment. It sucked -separately from that.  Or the time I was with the baby 12 hours straight, he came home and.. was on the phone chatting with his parents and wouldn't multitask and change our son's diaper.  Yes I was resentful and irritated.  Yes I told him so.  No none of this shook me to the core -to me it was a normal part of marriage -the ups and downs, the work, unpredictability etc especially with an infant!

Good luck whatever you decide.  

[Seraphim]

8 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

You're absolutely right.

Which is wildly unfair, because you can't defend this with "Well, she's a housewife who's at home all day, and has more time and energy to take care of the domestic labour".

Nope, women are expected to have a full-time job, AND take care of the majority of the domestic labour, AND take care of the majority of child-raising.

But marriage is a TEAM, right?

Now tell me the part about the compromises and sacrifices that the MAN has to make for the team.

@cuddlebunny777, you are absolutely right to feel all of the frustration and resentment that you are feeling right now.

Sure I did most of the child raising and  domestic stuff over the years but my husband is in the military and wasn’t home. Instead he got to risk his life in countries other than his own. THAT is a major offering and sacrifice. Because he works we are afforded a very nice life style . I don’t see my life as a drudgery . I guess it is all in how you see it. I would be doing this anyway even alone . I am much happier with my husband than alone . 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Sure I did most of the child raising and  domestic stuff over the years but my husband is in the military and wasn’t home. Instead he got to risk his life in countries other than his own. THAT is a major offering and sacrifice. Because he works we are afforded a very nice life style . I don’t see my life as a drudgery . I guess it is all in how you see it. I would be doing this anyway even alone . I am much happier with my husband than alone . 

Same as far as division of labor.  I want to be married to him and -secondarily -I want to be married.  There are different definitions of teamwork but to me keeping score and wanting to be "right" more than close doesn't work.  I do not let resentment build AND I don't sweat the small stuff - he is not a neat person. I am not either but I'm much neater than he is.  I'd much rather he spend his time with our son than doing chores all else equal.  

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Same as far as division of labor.  I want to be married to him and -secondarily -I want to be married.  There are different definitions of teamwork but to me keeping score and wanting to be "right" more than close doesn't work.  I do not let resentment build AND I don't sweat the small stuff - he is not a neat person. I am not either but I'm much neater than he is.  I'd much rather he spend his time with our son than doing chores all else equal.  

My husband and I also take turns on taking my son to his social events which can equal 4 hours a week or more depending . 

[Wonderstruck]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I don’t see my life as a drudgery . I guess it is all in how you see it. I would be doing this anyway even alone . I am much happier with my husband than alone . 

But why are so many people lecturing @cuddlebunny777 about being a "team player", and learning how to "compromise" and "make sacrifices" and accept that "life isn't fair", when none of these expectations are placed on her husband?

If marriage is a TEAM, then how come she has to work full-time AND do all of the domestic labour, and he has to...work full-time.

This is NOT about being "nit-picky" and "keeping a score card", this is about saying that a marriage should be a TEAM, but then essentially arguing that the woman has to do 80% of everything.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I tried to tell him this and he's like "there's no such thing as being ready" so I'm like am I just making excuses? 

You can have the marriage annulled after just a couple of months. It's going to get much worse as far as household stuff. Move out before you start a family. No one has a gun to your head to get married, stay married or stay with him. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Wonderstruck said:

But why are so many people lecturing @cuddlebunny777 about being a "team player", and learning how to "compromise" and "make sacrifices" and accept that "life isn't fair", when none of these expectations are placed on her husband?

If marriage is a TEAM, then how come she has to work full-time AND do all of the domestic labour, and he has to...work full-time.

This is NOT about being "nit-picky" and "keeping a score card", this is about saying that a marriage should be a TEAM, but then essentially arguing that the woman has to do 80% of everything.

Marriage is about being a team. And everyone looks at things differently. You are entitled to your opinion, as we are to ours. But marriage is a team and it’s never 50-50. 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can have the marriage annulled after just a couple of months. It's going to get much worse as far as household stuff. Move out before you start a family. No one has a gun to your head to get married, stay married or stay with him. 

There is always that. Get it annulled and walk away from each other . Nothing to lose with 4 month in really . 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

But why are so many people lecturing @cuddlebunny777 about being a "team player", and learning how to "compromise" and "make sacrifices" and accept that "life isn't fair", when none of these expectations are placed on her husband?

If marriage is a TEAM, then how come she has to work full-time AND do all of the domestic labour, and he has to...work full-time.

This is NOT about being "nit-picky" and "keeping a score card", this is about saying that a marriage should be a TEAM, but then essentially arguing that the woman has to do 80% of everything.

I don't think she needs to at all.  I think she wants him to do things per her standards like never leaving clothing around/making his bed as soon as he gets up.  Also she has chosen to do his laundry and cook for him - I'm all for her telling him -nope not on a regular basis.  He wants her to do "more" because she is home more.  I think there is room for compromise here.  And yes in a marriage sometimes one person has to do 80% of the stuff for awhile because -life happens, crap happens.  

For example my husband leaves his water glass that sometimes is empty sometimes full on the pass through at night -never in the sink.  I think he might think it will make noise if he places it in the sink -he works late into the night -it's when he works best -but it's annoying every morning to bring it in -because in my world -I want all dirty stuff either in the sink or loaded in the dishwasher if I'm going to run the dishwasher.  But he's blissfully unaware that there's any issue of a water glass being left out like that.  And I've chosen to say nothing -because I have humility and I'm sure he doesn't say everything I do that annoys him.

Also he regularly thanks me for all I do including when he sees me cleaning up.  And yes because it works for us during the day we toss dirty laundry in a small heap in our room and at the end of the day it is carried to the washing machine.  Sometimes we throw stuff right into the hamper or the machine but that's not how we roll.  But when we stay at my mom's on vacay we put our dirty laundry either in the bags we're going to take home or in her hamper if she's offered to do our laundry. Her house her rules/standards.

You two can't do the my way or highway thing except very very rarely.  Like he defers to my sense of when leftovers need to be discarded (much earlier than him LOL) and I defer to his night owl/sleep in thing.

[Wonderstruck]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Marriage is about being a team. And everyone looks at things differently. You are entitled to your opinion, as we are to ours. But marriage is a team and it’s never 50-50. 

So, you don't have a valid rebuttal to my argument.

I actually tried to engage with you in good faith, and you basically just reiterated "Marriage is a team" after I specifically asked you to explain WHY "Marriage is a team" ONLY APPLIES TO THE WIFE.

Words have meanings. 

[LootieTootie]

I didnt read every reply to your thread, but my husband works a very laborious job and he works long hours. Its just me and him and we have 2 active dogs. I clean a lot, and he doesn't really help. But that doesn't bother me because my husband doesn't expect me to cook for him and he doesn't expect me to do his laundry. Saying that, sometimes I clean and cook for him and sometimes I don't. Do I feel resentful? No, because he actually does a lot for the household even if its not chore-related. 

Maybe start thinking if you both can just cook dinner and not cook 3 meals a day. Also maybe just keep laundry duties separated (everyone do their own laundry).

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I didnt read every reply to your thread, but my husband works a very laborious job and he works long hours. Its just me and him and we have 2 active dogs. I clean a lot, and he doesn't really help. But that doesn't bother me because my husband doesn't expect me to cook for him and he doesn't expect me to do his laundry. Saying that, sometimes I clean and cook for him and sometimes I don't. Do I feel resentful? No, because he actually does a lot for the household even if its not chore-related. 

Maybe start thinking if you both can just cook dinner and not cook 3 meals a day. Also maybe just keep laundry duties separated (everyone do their own laundry).

Totally cool that you replied without reading - it's a lot! Ironically I said the same sort of thing about dinners and laundry.  No dogs just um a teenage boy? Not gonna try to compete about which is harder -and I hope your fur babies bring you tons of joy despite being tons of work! 

[Wonderstruck]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think she needs to at all.  I think she wants him to do things per her standards like never leaving clothing around/making his bed as soon as he gets up.  Also she has chosen to do his laundry and cook for him - I'm all for her telling him -nope not on a regular basis.  He wants her to do "more" because she is home more.  I think there is room for compromise here.  And yes in a marriage sometimes one person has to do 80% of the stuff for awhile because -life happens, crap happens.  

For example my husband leaves his water glass that sometimes is empty sometimes full on the pass through at night -never in the sink.  I think he might think it will make noise if he places it in the sink -he works late into the night -it's when he works best -but it's annoying every morning to bring it in -because in my world -I want all dirty stuff either in the sink or loaded in the dishwasher if I'm going to run the dishwasher.  But he's blissfully unaware that there's any issue of a water glass being left out like that.  And I've chosen to say nothing -because I have humility and I'm sure he doesn't say everything I do that annoys him.

Also he regularly thanks me for all I do including when he sees me cleaning up.  And yes because it works for us during the day we toss dirty laundry in a small heap in our room and at the end of the day it is carried to the washing machine.  Sometimes we throw stuff right into the hamper or the machine but that's not how we roll.  But when we stay at my mom's on vacay we put our dirty laundry either in the bags we're going to take home or in her hamper if she's offered to do our laundry. Her house her rules/standards.

You two can't do the my way or highway thing except very very rarely.  Like he defers to my sense of when leftovers need to be discarded (much earlier than him LOL) and I defer to his night owl/sleep in thing.

I understand, but as I was saying to Seraphim, this isn't about being hyper-rigid and making sure that every little task is evenly divided up 50/50, this is about saying to @cuddlebunny777 that she needs to learn how to be a "team player", but then admitting that being a "team player" will involve her doing the majority of the work.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

I understand, but as I was saying to Seraphim, this isn't about being hyper-rigid and making sure that every little task is evenly divided up 50/50, this is about saying to @cuddlebunny777 that she needs to learn how to be a "team player", but then admitting that being a "team player" will involve her doing the majority of the work.

Sometimes that is being a team player because the spouse has to do other work.  Like my husband -took care of his aging parents who lived 800 miles away (only child!), studied for his advanced degree, traveled a ton for business, worked more than full time at his job, etc. He also did all our taxes/related financial stuff and he as the only driver took care of all car related stuff.   Housework is only one component.