My husband says since I'm home more I should "do" more. He's referring to chores

[mylolita]

I feel like as well cuddle, the thing that is driving you to irritation is the underlying feeling that he doesn’t appreciate you? 
 

Maybe if he was taking you out to dinner at the end of the week, or sitting down bed spending time with you, or organising a nice day out or to do something as a couple, and setting you aside and saying thank you, you might feel better about the unequal chores? 
 

It sounds as if he wants to escape, rest up, and veg out playing video games. 
 

If you want to have children with him, it’s going to get intense and demanding, and what you need and want gets pushed further down the list. 
 

x

[tattoobunnie]

3 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I feel resentful because if I'm doing most of the chores a lot AND I'm still working the same or even more hours as him, what's even the point of having him around?! 

It's his home too, and his must do his share to keep up the home.  You are not his mom or the hired help.

Say "no."  Don't give him an inch.  Or expect another 30 years of resentment and exhaustion, and if you have kids, forget it, he will lump all responsibility onto you.  NO THANKS.  If you fights you on this, do not do his laundry, period.  Do not make him food.  You are both contributing fiscally, and should have equal chores at home.  It does not have to be the same things, but it should be discussed on who does what.

[cuddlebunny777]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm going to turn your question back around to you. If you were single who would be doing the laundry, taking out trash, washing dishes, etc.?

Also, starting a discussion with "do you even NOTICE" probably won't be received well. Try saying something like "I feel the chores are not currently evenly divided so I'd like to talk about how we can make things more even."

I'd be doing everything if I were single and I would be fine w/it because I know it's just me. In fact, Sometimes I really think I'd be happier this way. I wouldn't have to worry about my partner not doing their half. There would be no half. No need to have these chore division conversations. It would just me all on me, and I would find peace in that, ironically enough. It'd be easier. I think I'm all struggling w that part. And it worries me. I don't really know if I was built for the partnered up lifestyle... too many moving parts to keep up with. Not saying I want the easy way out, but... man I don't know 

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I'd be doing everything if I were single and I would be fine w/it because I know it's just me. In fact, Sometimes I really think I'd be happier this way. I wouldn't have to worry about my partner not doing their half. There would be no half. No need to have these chore division conversations. It would just me all on me, and I would find peace in that, ironically enough. It'd be easier. I think I'm all struggling w that part. And it worries me. I don't really know if I was built for the partnered up lifestyle... too many moving parts to keep up with. Not saying I want the easy way out, but... man I don't know 

Okay, again, why did you marry? You really have to think about that . Is it because everyone does, is because it was a Disney dream from being a kid? Or is it because you loved HIM. 

[Wiseman2]

Yes part of it is adjustment to marriage and living together. You're obviously resentful. All you can do is step back. Only do your shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, chores, errands, etc.

If he wants food or clothes to wear he'll find a way. Did both or either of you live with parents or alone before you moved in together? Who took care of what before you lived together? 

Do either of you earn more or pay for more household expenses? Does he think that because you work from home you're really just a housewife? 

You can't necessarily make him do stuff but you can stop doing his stuff.. you could ask him to pick up groceries or take out.

Maybe you need to find things each of you is responsible for rather than bickering every Sunday or day off about who does what, who should do more,etc.

Hopefully you'll find a system that works for you and seems fair and efficient.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I'd be doing everything if I were single and I would be fine w/it because I know it's just me. In fact, Sometimes I really think I'd be happier this way. I wouldn't have to worry about my partner not doing their half. There would be no half. No need to have these chore division conversations. It would just me all on me, and I would find peace in that, ironically enough. It'd be easier. I think I'm all struggling w that part. Not really knowing if I was built for this partner lifestyle... 

Yes so I'd deal with the real issue otherwise you're going to find yourself nitpicking on the minor stuff.  Also it doesn't have to be half just fair.  In fact it's almost impossible to make sure it is "half" and not advisable to expend stomach acid keeping score IMO.  I don't make my husband dinner and my dinner is often extremely simple.  But I do 99% of the grocery shopping and list making, I have foods available he likes so he can make himself a plate - rotisserie chicken, steamed veggies, raw salad veggies (used to have pasta but we've sort of been off pasta with sauce). 

He often has business dinners or leftover take out so he'll make a plate of that. I prepare dinner for my son -he's 14 - when he's home for dinner and I make his lunch for school. He and my husband go out a few times a week. I don't enjoy going out to restaurants anymore but did for decades.  I do take out too and I bring in take out for them at times.

I do all the laundry -if he needs drycleaning he takes care of that.  And mine but it's rare given telework.  For 10 years we had a biweekly cleaning service -he strongly encouraged it and since covid we haven't.  We like others posted here do things we don't mind doing - and the other person does things the other person hates doing.  Is it half? Totally not.  Is it fair? Much of the time and when it's not we talk about it.  Also we each do things silently for the other person -meaning without asking for "credit" -kind of like see something say something.  

We didn't live together before marriage.  We lived together in my 550 square foot apartment when we got married.  3 months later our son was born. 3 months after that we had a summer apartment that was much larger then moved 800 miles away to a larger apartment in our current city. It was an adjustment - both living together/new parents/relocating/me unemployed for the first time in 15 years - I was a SAHM for 7 years- but I was 100% into being married to him in every way.  I was solid on that and had been the anxious/runaway bride in the past (this is our first marriage -we were 42 when we married).  

It is the underlying love and commitment that helps with this huge adjustment.  You seem to be questioning your marriage in these early days -let me guess - you had a bit wedding reception planned so you just went through with it?

[boltnrun]

I don't know...when I was married I scrubbed the toilet and my husband didn't and I didn't question if I should be married based on that.

It seems that along with the "he only buys me five flowers" complaint you are possibly looking for reasons to escape this marriage.

[cuddlebunny777]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes so I'd deal with the real issue otherwise you're going to find yourself nitpicking on the minor stuff.  Also it doesn't have to be half just fair.  In fact it's almost impossible to make sure it is "half" and not advisable to expend stomach acid keeping score IMO.  I don't make my husband dinner and my dinner is often extremely simple.  But I do 99% of the grocery shopping and list making, I have foods available he likes so he can make himself a plate - rotisserie chicken, steamed veggies, raw salad veggies (used to have pasta but we've sort of been off pasta with sauce). 

He often has business dinners or leftover take out so he'll make a plate of that. I prepare dinner for my son -he's 14 - when he's home for dinner and I make his lunch for school. He and my husband go out a few times a week. I don't enjoy going out to restaurants anymore but did for decades.  I do take out too and I bring in take out for them at times.

I do all the laundry -if he needs drycleaning he takes care of that.  And mine but it's rare given telework.  For 10 years we had a biweekly cleaning service -he strongly encouraged it and since covid we haven't.  We like others posted here do things we don't mind doing - and the other person does things the other person hates doing.  Is it half? Totally not.  Is it fair? Much of the time and when it's not we talk about it.  Also we each do things silently for the other person -meaning without asking for "credit" -kind of like see something say something.  

We didn't live together before marriage.  We lived together in my 550 square foot apartment when we got married.  3 months later our son was born. 3 months after that we had a summer apartment that was much larger then moved 800 miles away to a larger apartment in our current city. It was an adjustment - both living together/new parents/relocating/me unemployed for the first time in 15 years - I was a SAHM for 7 years- but I was 100% into being married to him in every way.  I was solid on that and had been the anxious/runaway bride in the past (this is our first marriage -we were 42 when we married).  

It is the underlying love and commitment that helps with this huge adjustment.  You seem to be questioning your marriage in these early days -let me guess - you had a bit wedding reception planned so you just went through with it?

It was a courthouse ceremony, but yes. 
I am questioning things bc I'm like, how do I know if I'm built for all of these curveballs that this relationship has thrown at me?!
 

I've never been in a long term relationship before so maaaaybe I am encountering so many new things and just overwhelmed with it all, but again I really don't know if I'm built for it and that scares me!!!!!

[cuddlebunny777]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know...when I was married I scrubbed the toilet and my husband didn't and I didn't question if I should be married based on that.

It seems that along with the "he only buys me five flowers" complaint you are possibly looking for reasons to escape this marriage.

I just don't know if being partnered is right for me. I wish I would've had more time to really sit with it and figure that out but since I didn't now I stress over the little things, it's not just the flowers it's the deeper realization that I feel so much pressure and fear of being married. So I release that pent up energy in any way that I can.... of course it's super unhealthy, but I really don't know what else to do

[cuddlebunny777]

40 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Okay, again, why did you marry? You really have to think about that . Is it because everyone does, is because it was a Disney dream from being a kid? Or is it because you loved HIM. 

Part of me really does love him, another part of me doesn't know if it's a lot more of  attachment. 
I will admit part of was pressure from our families as well. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Part of me really does love him, another part of me doesn't know if it's just attachment. 

But the whole of you made marriage vows not just part.  Loving is giving. Much more than a feeling. And particularly in marriage. It’s giving when you don’t really feel like it.  Because you know that giving kindness and cutting slack - of course without being a total doormat - is healthy for the marriage. Even if annoying or inconvenient at the moment. But you’re only partly committed here. To me 100% heart and soul committed is essential to any long term commitment. 

[boltnrun]

Why would your family pressure you to get married after only a year and a half of dating?

My marriage didn't work out but at least we'd been in a committed relationship for three years before we got married. I had a really good idea of how he operated and vice versa.

I wonder how your families would feel about a divorce 🙄 People really need to think these things through.

[cuddlebunny777]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why would your family pressure you to get married after only a year and a half of dating?

My marriage didn't work out but at least we'd been in a committed relationship for three years before we got married. I had a really good idea of how he operated and vice versa.

I wonder how your families would feel about a divorce 🙄 People really need to think these things through.

I have no idea. I remember talking to his mom one time saying I was in no rush...  and she said "don't make the same mistake I did, I waited forever to get married! You don't want to do that!" I didn't see it at the time but that was her super subtle and indirect way of pressuring me. Well it worked. We still talk of course, but I think I will always  resent her for that. 

[cuddlebunny777]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But the whole of you made marriage vows not just part.  Loving is giving. Much more than a feeling. And particularly in marriage. It’s giving when you don’t really feel like it.  Because you know that giving kindness and cutting slack - of course without being a total doormat - is healthy for the marriage. Even if annoying or inconvenient at the moment. But you’re only partly committed here. To me 100% heart and soul committed is essential to any long term commitment. 

Yeah,  I can't tell why I am partly committed either. I guess bc I'm scared we really did jump into this with our eyes closed, hoping for the best... and now I'm terrified of having this big expensive contract looming above me at all times. And the sad realization that maybe  if we could've built this slowly and over time we probably wouldn't have so many problems 

[Seraphim]

Wow, so much resentment for every little thing in only 4 short months . I think you made a mistake . I blissfully love and adore my husband and all things being equal probably always will. We were together for 5 years before we got married . 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Yeah,  I can't tell why I am partly committed either. I guess bc I'm scared we really did jump into this with our eyes closed, hoping for the best... and now I'm terrified of having this big expensive contract looming above me at all times. And the sad realization that maybe  if we could've built this slowly and over time we probably wouldn't have so many problems 

What big expensive contract ?

[cuddlebunny777]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

What big expensive contract ?

Our marriage license. 

[cuddlebunny777]

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Wow, so much resentment for every little thing in only 4 short months . I think you made a mistake . I blissfully love and adore my husband and all things being equal probably always will. We were together for 5 years before we got married . 

Well that's the diffrence here. You were together for 5 years. I MET my husband all of 2 years ago (next month will make 2 years)

[boltnrun]

A marriage isn't something to rush into. It's supposed to be a lifelong commitment you undertake willingly and after serious reflection and discussion. It's not something you just blindly leap into hoping everything goes wonderfully.

I am flabbergasted his mother pressured you to marry so quickly.

Does your husband share your misgivings?

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Well that's the diffrence here. You were together for 5 years. I MET my husband all of 2 years ago. 

Then why get married in a rush? You were also older when you met your husband. My husband and I were younger . He was 20 and I was 22. The difference is not only the years together but I was 1000% sure I wanted to marry HIM. I wanted to marry, yes, but him specifically. Have we had hard times? Yes. 1 million times over but I was determined to fight for my marriage and stick it out . 

[cuddlebunny777]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

A marriage isn't something to rush into. It's supposed to be a lifelong commitment you undertake willingly and after serious reflection and discussion. It's not something you just blindly leap into hoping everything goes wonderfully.

I am flabbergasted his mother pressured you to marry so quickly.

Does your husband share your misgivings?

He doesn't. Thats what breaks my heart. He does say it's difficult to adjust but that he just gives his best and that's all. He's always been 100% sure and committed. 😞

[cuddlebunny777]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Then why get married in a rush? You were also older when you met your husband. My husband and I were younger . He was 20 and I was 22. The difference is not only the years together but I was 1000% sure I wanted to marry HIM. I wanted to marry, yes, but him specifically. Have we had hard times? Yes. 1 million times over but I was determined to fight for my marriage and stick it out . 

I hear you. I didn't want to marry anyone at all. I thought that would change when I met my husband though. It did, actually but it didn't last.. I think it was just easy to imagine being married when I was infatuated with him. Of course. 

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I hear you. I didn't want to marry anyone at all. I thought that would change when I met my husband though. It did, actually but it didn't last.. I think it was just easy to imagine being married when I was infatuated with him. Of course. 

Unfortunately, you have made a mistake which will break his heart but you will break it much more pretending for several years . 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Well that's the diffrence here. I didn't want to marry anyone at all. I thought that would change when I met my husband though. 

Is this an arranged marriage? You mentioned your families were involved? Eventually you'll have to build an adult life for yourself either alone or with someone.

[arjumand]

So really time has nothing to do with this -- it is something you are using as an excuse for getting married when you knew you didn't want to. Knowing him for five years would not have changed this because you just didn't want to get married. Just making a note that there is no magic number for how long you need to know someone to marry -- I knew my husband for less than a year when we got married 34 years ago. OTOH, I have friends who dated for five or more years and were divorced in less than two. The issue is knowing yourself and what you want. You know you don't want to be married -- so don't be. Let him find someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with him.