I told bf about old relationship and I have messed things up

[Harp8373]

44 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Can you clarify the above, please?  Unless I'm reading this wrong, the above may complicate the case, (imo).

Other than that, I agree with everyone else's opinions.

Our main relationship was between 14-16. After that it happened at least a couple of times a year up until I was 19. Nothing has happened since then and I have talked to him about my relationship and boyfriend. Our relationship was complicated. I see him as an abuser for sure but also see him as my ex in some ways. I made a lot of not so great decisions. I'm sure it has changed my bf's view of me. He thinks he is gross but hateswhat I did.

 

[Harp8373]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

To be clear, your mother never knew about any of this?

As for your June trip, I'd avoid this man like the plague.  If he enters the same room you're in, politely excuse yourself.  Say zero words to him.  He's a predator, and he will say anything to strike things back up, believe me.

As for your boyfriend:   He doesn't want to see this man, nor does he want you to see him, nor does he want to be in the same room as him.  Your boyfriend, while not being supportive of you, views this guy the same way we all do:  as a creep.  

Do you want to see this man?

If not, make sure that you voice this, in crystal clear language, to your boyfriend.  

Simple is best:  I do not want to see him.  I do not want to even exchange words with him, and if he's present, I'll make my excuse and leave.  But I do want to see my mother and family, so I hope that you can come with me and support me, as I believe your strength will help me avoid this man while I figure out what my next step is.

No, my mother knows nothing about this. I don't mind being around him but am fine not being around him. Yeah I am going to cancel the trip. I would prefer no one knows because of how embarrassing it is but I also really prefer no legal action because it sounds awful.

[SooSad33]

14 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

From my perspective I am over it and just want to see my family. I do not want my family to know and just couldn't handle it. I have been begging him to drop it but he won't. I am going to cancel the trip but am concerned for my relationship

First of all, I still think you should go see your family, whether he does or not.

Second, if you look deeply into this, you can understand why he's reacting this way.. it is a little concerning 😕 .  YOU were so young & innocent at that age!  Someone much older took advantage of that.

Sadly, if damage is done now, not much you can do. BUT, this guy cannot and should not ever go above you and say anything to them!  Is not his place to.

 

[SooSad33]

6 minutes ago, Harp8373 said:

Yeah I am going to cancel the trip. I would prefer no one knows because of how embarrassing it is

Are you going to avoid them for the rest of your days? 😕 

Fine if you choose to not go this time, but don't avoid them forever 'cause of this guy.

[tattoobunnie]

That man is a child predator.  Now, there's the internet, and more ways to connect with, find, and abuse children.  Him telling you it was part consensual is him brainwashing you into thinking it's also your fault. You were a child, and did nothing wrong.  You were abused.  I'm sorry.  There's a special place in hell for people like this.  I know you just want to move on, but a part of you does not, and that's why you told your boyfriend.  He is disgusted, but not at you; what happened was disgusting.  I would tell you mom.  That person should not be in your life.

[Harp8373]

I am not completely opposed to talking to my family about it sometime in the future. I am not going to avoid my family forever no, but in the short term I am ok with it for now. I don't believe it is my boyfriend's place to say anything either and I would probably leave him tbh.

[bluecastle]

I want to first say how sorry I am for how your boyfriend has handled this. I understand it was a shock to him—as it would be for anyone, and as the heated responses here show—but I want to be very clear: His reaction has been insensitive and that really sucks for you. It must be awfully lonely right now. 

This is your story, your past, and your life, to handle how you would like on your own timeline. And maybe, right now, you don't know how you'd like to handle it. Understandable. It's a lot to process, and now, in addition to it, you are having to process your boyfriend's feelings and reactions and what potential ramifications this might have on your relationship.   

I'm curious to ask some questions: Was this moment with your boyfriend the first instance you've spoken to anyone about this? Is it something you've ever wanted to share, be it with a friend, on the internet, or with your family? As you've grown into a young adult yourself, and as you've gotten a bit of distance from this man, have you come to process the experience differently? What is it that you most fear happening in telling your family about this?

These are questions you're free to explore here, or just on your own, and asked so you can have a moment to focus on yourself rather than what anyone else. 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Harp8373 said:

but I also really prefer no legal action because it sounds awful.

What sounds awful? Legal action? 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Andrina.  She made a good point of how this abuser can and will abuse someone underage again if he hadn't already after you.  I would definitely consult with your therapist regarding how you can protect and prevent future victims from abuse at the hands of this guy in your family's social circle.  He is a definite danger to society.

You'll have to figure out how to inform your mother and / or family members regarding this predator while keeping in mind that if someone is accused of any wrongdoing,  you could face legal repercussions.  Your therapist should be able to advise you.

I also agree with others regarding not feeling compelled to disclose nor divulge certain information to your boyfriend which could sorely backfire.  It doesn't do any good and now you're left stomping out additional unintended fires.  You'll just create more headaches for yourself.  Never impulsively blurt info out whether in verbal or written form.  Think first.  Think about the consequences and let that be your guide. 

As for family members and a predator amongst them,  your therapist should recommend the next course of action for you. 

I would visit your mother and family without your boyfriend in June or if you insist upon him accompanying you,  choose another date since he doesn't want to be in the midst of a predator.  Actually,  I don't blame your boyfriend as I would feel the same way.  I would NOT be in the same room with a predator.  No way.  This is non-negotiable. 

 

[redswim30]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

I want to first say how sorry I am for how your boyfriend has handled this. I understand it was a shock to him—as it would be for anyone, and as the heated responses here show—but I want to be very clear: His reaction has been insensitive and that really sucks for you. It must be awfully lonely right now. 

This is your story, your past, and your life, to handle how you would like on your own timeline.

 

^^^^THIS.  I'm SO sorry you had to go thru this, OP.  And so sorry your BF isn't being more compassionate towards you.  And now OP, you know exactly why so many girls/women don't come forward- victim blaming, which is exactly what your BF is doing here.  For him to be upset is understandable, to be grossed out by you or BLAME you is not.  How you choose to handle/address or NOT address it is entirely up to you.   It's always easy for people to say "report it", but things aren't always that cut and dry or easy.   I was raped when I was a teen and I did not report it, mostly because my parents would have blamed me, shamed me and never let me go anywhere or have friends ever again.  Not to mention in the legal process having to relive it over and over.  I just wanted to forget it.  Being that this man is a "family friend"  - IDK YOUR parents, but I have known girls similar things have happened to where they picked the "friend" over their child.  Didn't believe their child, were in denial that this "friend" would do this or even BLAME their children for the action itself or for "ruining their friendship" with them. 

You didn't DO anything- if you were 14-16- then please understand that any way you look at it, it was rape  (even if you "agreed"), your age alone makes it rape.  It was NOT a "choice" you made.  It's not your fault you were abused.  Please keep saying that again and again- it's NOT YOUR FAULT.  I would recommend, however, NOT hanging out with this man.  He's not your ex, he's your rapist.  What he did was wrong.  I personally wouldn't associate with him again, if I were you.  

It's up to you what to do, OP.  And you are an adult now.   Whether and when you choose to tell your parents is up to you.   Talk to a therapist about what you feel would be the healthiest and best option for YOU.   Please don't let anyone tell you you have to do what they say.  It's your trauma and you deserve to deal with it/heal from it in your own way. 

You may need to break up with this BF if he views it as his place to force you to handle your abuse as he wants you to.  

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Harp8373 said:

. I don't believe it is my boyfriend's place to say anything either and I would probably leave him tbh.

Agree. Do discuss this with your therapist. Also do things when you are ready to, such as telling the family. Don't feel pressured by the BF. 

[Lambert]

I just wanted to say,  I support how you decide to handle this.  

I understand protecting those going forward and those strong feelings some have in that regard.  However, I think what happened and what you do about it, has everything to do with what's best for you, your comfort, your healing. 

It's a very personal thing and I hope you know you are not to blame nor does this define you. 

I think this shows a flaw in your boyfriend and how he's kind of making this about him and what he wants.

I would think about going to see my family alone. And decide if you really want to be with someone who doesn't understand your feelings and respect your decisions. 

That is the point of having a partner after all. You are still your own person and decide for yourself. yes he may have his opinion but if this blew up the relationship,  then maybe it wasn't all you thought it was. 

just my two cents... ❤️

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  Since your boyfriend's reaction is the complete opposite of compassion and wisdom,  you need to determine whether or not this boyfriend of yours is worth retaining in a relationship.  His reaction does not reflect kindness nor consideration for your well being.  He needs to be morally supportive yet he is not.  He's only thinking about himself which is incredibly selfish and self-centered.  Think long and hard regarding your boyfriend who did not give you the type of reaction you should've received.  Ask your therapist regarding what to do with your boyfriend because he's standing in the way of everything.

[Harp8373]

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I want to first say how sorry I am for how your boyfriend has handled this. I understand it was a shock to him—as it would be for anyone, and as the heated responses here show—but I want to be very clear: His reaction has been insensitive and that really sucks for you. It must be awfully lonely right now. 

This is your story, your past, and your life, to handle how you would like on your own timeline. And maybe, right now, you don't know how you'd like to handle it. Understandable. It's a lot to process, and now, in addition to it, you are having to process your boyfriend's feelings and reactions and what potential ramifications this might have on your relationship.   

I'm curious to ask some questions: Was this moment with your boyfriend the first instance you've spoken to anyone about this? Is it something you've ever wanted to share, be it with a friend, on the internet, or with your family? As you've grown into a young adult yourself, and as you've gotten a bit of distance from this man, have you come to process the experience differently? What is it that you most fear happening in telling your family about this?

These are questions you're free to explore here, or just on your own, and asked so you can have a moment to focus on yourself rather than what anyone else. 

 

Yes, talking to bf was the first time I have ever spoken about it ever. There was a lot of times I wanted to say something to friends or family but never let myself. The older I have gotten the more I have realized the truth of the situation and how screwed up it was, much more than when I was younger. The first thing that I fear is not being believed. He used to give me drugs and alcohol and that continued until pretty recently. My mother and I always had a good relationship but I think that would hurt my credibility. It is really humiliating and the thought of people picturing it makes me feel terrible. Also I am not trying to send him to jail, don't want to go through a trial if anything could even be proven at this point. 

[Harp8373]

I am going to talk to my therapist when I see him again. I am hoping after a little time that my boyfriend will settle down and come to some level of acceptance. He hasn't been all bad in his reaction.

[Harp8373]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

What sounds awful? Legal action? 

Yes that sounds like hell and I can't imagine trying. I know it probably sounds odd but I do care about him and don't want to see him in prison as well.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Harp8373 said:

. He used to give me drugs and alcohol and that continued until pretty recently. had discussed moving in after her, but now that she's My mother and I always had a good relationship but I think that would hurt my credibility. It is really humiliating and the thought of people picturing it makes me feel terrible. Also I am not trying to send him to jail, don't want to go through a trial if anything could even be proven at this point. 

Keep in mind you can tell your therapist and you can eventually tell your mother, but that doesn't automatically lead to prosecution.  Take it slowly, get advice from the therapist.

[lostandhurt]

I want to address your bf's reaction because I was in his shoes once.  Instead of 14 she was 13 when it happened and 21 when I met her.

 I loved this young woman very much and we were very close when she told me.  It was a shock, it was frustrating, I wanted to hunt him down and punish him for what he had done.  I was angry but not at her, she was my gf and I was raised to protect and care for the people you love so I was stuck with a lot of emotions I had to deal with it all at once.  It was not easy and worse yet this person was friends with her sister and considered a family friend that they saw semi frequently.  This is a lot to take in and not be able to do anything about so give him time to digest all this and get his thoughts together.

  In the end I was not allowed to follow my instincts and had to endure time around him but I know he could feel my disgust towards him.  My gf actually got mad at me a few times for not being nice to him.  She was much like you and did not want to cause drama or embarrassment.

 I didn't understand my gf's choice of how to handle it all and I cannot put myself in your shoes either so I shouldn't tell you what to do one way or another.  I am a right and wrong type of guy and all of this is wrong and needs to be set right but it didn't happen to me, it happened to you.

Please bring up the whole thing to your therapist as soon as possible.

None of this was your fault no matter how old you were in the latter years.  You were a victim.

Lost

[Harp8373]

I am definitely going to speak to my therapist when I see him again. I would hope after a couple of weeks boyfriend will calm down. I realize how crazy it was for me to expect my bf to be around him. I have done it my entire life so I have probably normalized it too much. My boyfriend is also the lying that came with not telling him

[redswim30]

17 minutes ago, Harp8373 said:

I am definitely going to speak to my therapist when I see him again. I would hope after a couple of weeks boyfriend will calm down. I realize how crazy it was for me to expect my bf to be around him. I have done it my entire life so I have probably normalized it too much. My boyfriend is also the lying that came with not telling him

Ok, first not telling someone about a personal trauma you don't wish to share, is NOT lying.   I don't tell people about my rape unless they NEED to know.  You do not owe ANYONE your trauma.  You shared when you were comfortable sharing, and especially being that this is the VERY first time you've shared it with anyone, that's big- and his response should NOT have been anger at YOU. 

I'm glad you're going to speak to a therapist soon.   

I want to share something personal with you, so you can see that you are not alone and your feelings and reactions are normal and common. 

When I was 14 I was raped by a 28 year old that I trusted.   He and his fiance were part of a social group I was a part of.   I felt safe around him because he was engaged and everyone else in the group loved him.  When the incident occurred, I was a young and innocent virgin who knew what sex was but had never even kissed someone.  I didn't even fully comprehend what was happening and I "allowed it" because I basically went into shock (after all, I trust him) and panic mode.   As fore-mentioned, I couldn't tell my parents because I knew how they would respond.   I rarely got to go anywhere (my parents were VERY strict) and if I talked about this, I wouldn't be allowed in this group ever again.  So, I kept going- not only because I was in denial and just kinda ignorant about what had actually occurred, but I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why I didn't want to go anymore.  And I normalized seeing this man at group, as he carried on as if nothing had happened.  Looking back NOW, as an adult, I think to myself " WHY did I keep going back?  WHY did I "allow" it"?  But I was a CHILD and this was all coping mechanisms.  I was dealing with this confusion, shame, and fear ALL ALONE.  

I eventually got the nerve to tell his fiance (who I also trusted and thought liked me).   I only told HER because she thought it was weird that I was avoiding him at group.   Instead of helping me, her response was to call me a ***, a ***, and a homewrecker (I'm only fortunate that she did this privately, some women don't- as I've learned from others) and blame me for what happened.  This reaction caused me not to tell anyone else for 17 years. 

I did not report it.  I couldn't even describe it.  My parents were already the type of people that if a grown man eyeballed me, blamed ME. I was dressing too sexy (FYI I did NOT dress sexy) or being too nice or was smiling.  I couldn't even IMAGINE telling them about this.  I never wanted to relive this thru ANY means again- thru explanation even to people I loved, much less a police officer, strangers in a court room or anyone else.   I felt paralyzed with shame. Not to mention his fiance saying I ruined their relationship (she went on to marry him anyway) I thought it was MY fault- after all, I was NICE to him.   My mom would have said " Why didn't you just kick him in the balls", but I was in SHOCK.  

To this day, my family doesn't know.  Only my husband knows, and a few close friends that have shared similar experiences.  I don't feel that I'm "lying" to these people.  It's my trauma to share or not share as I see fit and for me, only with people I implicitly trust.  

But I will tell you, that when I felt comfortable enough to tell my husband about it, his reaction was to HOLD ME and tell me he was so sorry that this had happened to me and that I had to go through that alone, as a confused child.  THIS is the reaction of someone who is putting you first, OP. 

I tell you all this to illustrate.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE, OP.  Yours is the shared story of so many girls and women.  It took me YEARS to accept what really happened.  I was also tempted to believe this man "liked" me, just as coping mechanism to TRY and understand WHY it happened to ME.  So I could stomach a story in which I wasn't raped.  Your feelings are normal.  Your reactions are normal.  Your mixed emotions.  Wanting to cope in your way and in your own time are NORMAL. 

The only person you owe anything to in this situation is YOURSELF. 

Sending you A HUGE HUG.   Please feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk or want suggestions for further support.   You are not alone.  

 

 

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

I am not completely opposed to talking to my family about it sometime in the future. I am not going to avoid my family forever no, but in the short term I am ok with it for now. I don't believe it is my boyfriend's place to say anything either and I would probably leave him tbh.

Take your time. Work through it at your own pace, in your own way. I don't think you should feel pressured to tell the authorities (or anyone for that matter) if doing so is going to tear you apart. There are other ways to help girls and women who have been in similar situations, if you so desire. 

I agree with you about your boyfriend. He needs to dial it back and respect your wishes, or hit the road. Either way, he should keep his mouth shut. This is not about him.

[Jibralta]

42 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

Instead of helping me, her response was to call me a ***, a ***, and a homewrecker (I'm only fortunate that she did this privately, some women don't- as I've learned from others) and blame me for what happened.  This reaction caused me not to tell anyone else for 17 years. 

I watched this happen to two girls that I went to high school with. Everybody ganged up on them. They were driven out of the school. Even to this day, the hate for them is thick. Meanwhile, the guys were coddled and treated like victims. It's little wonder nobody reports.

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

Yes, talking to bf was the first time I have ever spoken about it ever. There was a lot of times I wanted to say something to friends or family but never let myself. The older I have gotten the more I have realized the truth of the situation and how screwed up it was, much more than when I was younger. The first thing that I fear is not being believed. He used to give me drugs and alcohol and that continued until pretty recently. My mother and I always had a good relationship but I think that would hurt my credibility. It is really humiliating and the thought of people picturing it makes me feel terrible. Also I am not trying to send him to jail, don't want to go through a trial if anything could even be proven at this point. 

I can relate.  I've confided some painful memories to my sister and she  couldn't handle the truth  so she called me a LIAR.  I've told my mother and brother a lot and it hurt them.  There's nothing I can do about it now after the fact.  Fortunately,  so many years have since passed that they're both fine nowadays.  Because my sister and and I distrust each other vehemently,  we are currently estranged which has actually been a blessing in disguise.  No sense pretending to be sisterly when there's an undercurrent of brewing mutual distrust,  right? 

Yes, it is very humiliating.  I'm sorry. 

In hindsight,  there are times when I wonder if it was wise to air the family's dirty laundry to my sister and what good would it do if I were to reveal all the "dirt" to my in-laws?  In many cases,  it's better to "let sleeping dogs lie" meaning don't broach certain topics if you know it could very well create a difficult and stressful situation or scenario.  You need to exercise discernment and practice good judgement beforehand.  Impulsive behavior doesn't pay or so I've since learned the very hard way.   

[Morello]

I am sorry you had to go through all of this: both the experience in itself and telling your BF about it. It must have been very hard, especially given your BF's reaction.

While your BF's reaction seems unreasonable from an outsider's point of view, perhaps think about the way you told him, as there might have been some misunderstanding on his part. In your first post, you did mention the abuse part, but you described it a bit casually as a relationship, and the proposal for your BF to meet a guy who had a relationship with you when you were 14 was probably too much to handle. This is especially if you said (or conveyed) you are still comfortable around this man; I can see how it would be difficult for your BF to "accept" that.

I can understand you might have downplayed the abuse part to your BF, as these things are obviously hard to discuss. Was this the case? I'm just trying to understand if his reaction was "ok" or not, given the information you have given him. It certainly was not the sort of supportive reaction you'd want from someone you want to count on.

If you mentioned, in any shape or form, that you think this relationship was inappropriate on this man's part (even without naming it as abuse), I think your BF's reaction is unwarranted and problematic. But I'd address this with caution, as we here don't have the full picture. That's why these issues are much better discussed (in detail) with a therapist or counsellor other than an internet forum full of strangers like us, even if we are coming from a good place and trying to help you. My 2 cents.

 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

I have talked to him about my relationship and boyfriend

How recently? I hope that has all stopped. He has no business knowing about your personal life. 

8 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

He used to give me drugs and alcohol and that continued until pretty recently.

Again, how recently?

I am trying to get a sense of the extent to which this man is still in your life