I told bf about old relationship and I have messed things up

[Harp8373]

Bf(25) and I(21f) have been dating for 1 year and 3 months. We are serious and our relationship has been really good.

A couple of months ago I told him about this relationship. I had never told anyone ever and never thought I would. We were talking about our pasts and I blurted it out. I felt like I needed to in the moment but I regret it now. The relationship was with a much older friend of my family's. It was when I was about 14-16 and a few times after that but much less. Some of it was abuse and some of it was not.

I do not want anyone to know about this especially my family. It was a big shock to him. He has met him a couple of times before. He freaked out when I told him and we got into an argument about it. I don't know what I expected. He is pushing me to tell my family.

We were supposed to go to my mother's for a week in June but now he is refusing to go because we would most likely see him. From my perspective I am over it and just want to see my family. I do not want my family to know and just couldn't handle it. I have been begging him to drop it but he won't. I am going to cancel the trip but am concerned for my relationship. I don't know what to do now and am afraid I have blown up my relationship and maybe life if he tells anyone and I am terrified he will tell my family. I know it is a big deal and gross but imo that's just how it was and I can't change it. How can I fix this?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

How can I fix this?

You can't, really. The cat is out of the bag.

How old was this family friend you dated? It must have been quite the age difference to put your boyfriend off that much and potentially  blow up the family. Even apart from the age difference, I can understand why your boyfriend is not keen to hang around your ex. Nobody would love doing that. 

That said, I don't think it's a good idea that you not go on this trip to your mom's. Your boyfriend can sit it out, but you should go. It's your family. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

 The relationship was with a much older friend of my family's. It was when I was about 14-16 and a few times after that but much less. Some of it was abuse and some of it was not. if he tells anyone and I am terrified he will tell my family

Sorry this is happening. Who is this friend of the family and how old is he? Is he still in the picture? 

Do you feel you were abused or taken advantage of? Please talk to a qualified therapist about the situation. This way you can unpack and sort things out. It seems like you could use some professional guidance to sort this out 

Unfortunately your BF seems to be overreacting if you claim it was abuse. It's your decision to disclose this to your family, not your BF's. Tell the BF to keep your confidences and that you'll talk to a qualified therapist for advice on how to proceed.

Are you concerned this friend of the family could be prosecuted?  How is your relationship with your family and why did you keep what was happening a secret?

[Kwothe28]

You were 14. Everything about it was abuse and possibly rape. At 14 you cant consent to things because you just cant by law. So everything he did was without your consent even if you went along with it. I need you to realize that. And that some pedo used you for his sick desires. Your boyfriend understands that. You, I am afraid, dont understand it. I urge you to report the case. Not because "you are over it" but because that sick individual probably has done it to more girls or in the process of doing it. Your boyfriend is right on this and you should do it.

[Harp8373]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You can't, really. The cat is out of the bag.

How old was this family friend you dated? It must have been quite the age difference to put your boyfriend off that much and potentially  blow up the family. Even apart from the age difference, I can understand why your boyfriend is not keen to hang around your ex. Nobody would love doing that. 

That said, I don't think it's a good idea that you not go on this trip to your mom's. Your boyfriend can sit it out, but you should go. It's your family. 

 

He is 44 now. I can understand why he doesn't want to be around him too, but I really put myself in a bind and he doesn't want me to go either. 

[Harp8373]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Who is this friend of the family and how old is he? Is he still in the picture? 

Do you feel you were abused or taken advantage of? Please talk to a qualified therapist about the situation. This way you can unpack and sort things out. It seems like you could use some professional guidance to sort this out 

Unfortunately your BF seems to be overreacting if you claim it was abuse. It's your decision to disclose this to your family, not your BF's. Tell the BF to keep your confidences and that you'll talk to a qualified therapist for advice on how to proceed.

Are you concerned this friend of the family could be prosecuted?  How is your relationship with your family and why did you keep what was happening a secret?

He is my mother's friend, 44 now. He lived with us for a while and is still close to my family. A big part of of it was definitely abuse and some of it was not. Yeah concerned about prosecution for sure and and general fallout. It is humiliating. There could be 100 different reactions and I don't know how it would go down. My mother and I always had a good relationship and loved each other but she was gone a lot and we still don't see each other much. I kept it a secret because it was obviously illegal and I just have and had complicated feelings about it.

[Harp8373]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You were 14. Everything about it was abuse and possibly rape. At 14 you cant consent to things because you just cant by law. So everything he did was without your consent even if you went along with it. I need you to realize that. And that some pedo used you for his sick desires. Your boyfriend understands that. You, I am afraid, dont understand it. I urge you to report the case. Not because "you are over it" but because that sick individual probably has done it to more girls or in the process of doing it. Your boyfriend is right on this and you should do it.

Yes I have realized a lot of that is true but I feel like bf's reaction would be different if he felt that way 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Harp8373 said:

 A big part of of it was definitely abuse and some of it was not. Yeah concerned about prosecution for sure and and general fallout. I kept it a secret because it was obviously illegal and I just have and had complicated feelings about it.

If you wish to visit your parents, just do so. It's your call whether you tell your parents or prosecute. I personally believe it's unwise to be around this person. But you need to think about what to do.

What exactly is your BF's interpretation of this? Assault or an "ex"?  He needs to keep your confidences and let you make your own decisions. If he tries to control the situation, you may have to end it with him.

It's not his decision to tell your family and it's not his place to tell you if you can see your family. 

Child/teen sexual abuse by a family "friend" is unfortunately common and very confusing for the victim.

Perhaps it's time to confide in a qualified therapist to unpack and sort things out and get advice and support.  However go at your own pace and make your own decisions.

[SherrySher]

9 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

Bf(25) and I(21f) have been dating for 1 year and 3 months. We are serious and our relationship has been really good.

A couple of months ago I told him about this relationship. I had never told anyone ever and never thought I would. We were talking about our pasts and I blurted it out. I felt like I needed to in the moment but I regret it now. The relationship was with a much older friend of my family's. It was when I was about 14-16 and a few times after that but much less. Some of it was abuse and some of it was not.

I do not want anyone to know about this especially my family. It was a big shock to him. He has met him a couple of times before. He freaked out when I told him and we got into an argument about it. I don't know what I expected. He is pushing me to tell my family.

We were supposed to go to my mother's for a week in June but now he is refusing to go because we would most likely see him. From my perspective I am over it and just want to see my family. I do not want my family to know and just couldn't handle it. I have been begging him to drop it but he won't. I am going to cancel the trip but am concerned for my relationship. I don't know what to do now and am afraid I have blown up my relationship and maybe life if he tells anyone and I am terrified he will tell my family. I know it is a big deal and gross but imo that's just how it was and I can't change it. How can I fix this?

Do you think that some part of you actually wants the truth to come out because you've been carrying it for a long time now and you know it was wrong?

If you were 14, then this is a pedophile that you dealt with. He needs to be charged or at the least, to be outed for who he really is.

He is a predator.

I am really concerned that you don't understand how much of a big deal this actually was and is.

You dropped this on your boyfriend and you didn't expect a big reaction? That's not even fair.

It IS a huge deal, and this person that was involved with you at 14 is disgusting.

I can see why your boyfriend is so worked up over this.

[Andrina]

You likely would be protecting other girls from the same abuse if you choose to report this. There's no guarantee you were the only victim and that he's not continuing these crimes. I agree you seek a therapist who will help guide you through all this.

[Harp8373]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you wish to visit your parents, just do so. It's your call whether you tell your parents or prosecute. I personally believe it's unwise to be around this person. But you need to think about what to do.

What exactly is your BF's interpretation of this? Assault or an "ex"?  He needs to keep your confidences and let you make your own decisions. If he tries to control the situation, you may have to end it with him.

It's not his decision to tell your family and it's not his place to tell you if you can see your family. 

Child/teen sexual abuse by a family "friend" is unfortunately common and very confusing for the victim.

Perhaps it's time to confide in a qualified therapist to unpack and sort things out and get advice and support.  However go at your own pace and make your own decisions.

I think he thinks it is both because it was. It happened when I was older to and not everything was forced. I agree that it should be my choice and about the worst thing he could do to me is tell my family. I see a therapist but have never told him about this so maybe I should. 

[Harp8373]

28 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Do you think that some part of you actually wants the truth to come out because you've been carrying it for a long time now and you know it was wrong?

If you were 14, then this is a pedophile that you dealt with. He needs to be charged or at the least, to be outed for who he really is.

He is a predator.

I am really concerned that you don't understand how much of a big deal this actually was and is.

You dropped this on your boyfriend and you didn't expect a big reaction? That's not even fair.

It IS a huge deal, and this person that was involved with you at 14 is disgusting.

I can see why your boyfriend is so worked up over this.

I know it is a big deal, I have just lived with it an dealt with it for a while in my own way, but it is hard keeping it a secret sometimes. No I did not expect this big of a reaction and I see that was dumb now. I didn't think it through before telling him. 

[Harp8373]

25 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You likely would be protecting other girls from the same abuse. There's no guarantee you were the only victim and that he's not continuing these crimes. I agree you seek a therapist who will help guide you through all this.

He does not have access to anyone else like he did me

[Andrina]

8 minutes ago, Harp8373 said:

He does not have access to anyone else like he did me

You don't know what he does out of your sight. You're making excuses because of   what you're trying to avoid.

[SherrySher]

31 minutes ago, Harp8373 said:

I know it is a big deal, I have just lived with it an dealt with it for a while in my own way, but it is hard keeping it a secret sometimes. No I did not expect this big of a reaction and I see that was dumb now. I didn't think it through before telling him. 

Well look at it this way, we're shocked and we are strangers on the internet. Imagine what your boyfriend is feeling who is close to you and loves you.

No wonder he doesn't want to be at any event where this creep is at.

I don't even know you and I would be angry if I seen this man at all, especially at an event of your family's that you were at! 

You were right to start telling people. This creep has been hidden for too long, he is a pedo and needs to be treated as such!!!

[1a1a]

He can have a strong reaction to this but he really needs to work it through with someone who isn’t you. Comfort in, dump out. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)#:~:text=The concept consists of a,the person in the center.

[SherrySher]

That's nice in theory, but when you are talking about a pedo and the fact that he is still hanging around the family, it's much more complicated with emotions.

I'm amazed he boyfriend is handling it as well as he is to be honest!!

He was a 30 something year old man, messing around with a 14 year old!!

That's literally criminal. He should have been charged!!

[Starlight925]

Please confide in your therapist about this.  They are bound to confidentiality, and you can share as many details as you need, so that your therapist can help guide you through this.

This is not about your current boyfriend, so don't make your therapist visit all about that.  It's about unpacking, and sharing, what occurred, so that your qualified therapist can help.

Otherwise, you will wake up at 50 years old, with this all inside still, and you will wish you had done this now, while it's still fresh.

Don't make excuses for this older man.  You think it was consensual, because perhaps you felt flattered at all the nice things he said to you.  Perhaps it felt like someone was finally paying attention to you, so you "willingly" went along with it.  This was wrong on all counts from him.

As for your boyfriend, and his lack of acceptance of this, what's his reason?  Is it because he thinks you should have gone to the police?  Does he think you're "tainted"?  Does he think it's "gross" because you willingly went along with an older man?

[Harp8373]

19 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Please confide in your therapist about this.  They are bound to confidentiality, and you can share as many details as you need, so that your therapist can help guide you through this.

This is not about your current boyfriend, so don't make your therapist visit all about that.  It's about unpacking, and sharing, what occurred, so that your qualified therapist can help.

Otherwise, you will wake up at 50 years old, with this all inside still, and you will wish you had done this now, while it's still fresh.

Don't make excuses for this older man.  You think it was consensual, because perhaps you felt flattered at all the nice things he said to you.  Perhaps it felt like someone was finally paying attention to you, so you "willingly" went along with it.  This was wrong on all counts from him.

As for your boyfriend, and his lack of acceptance of this, what's his reason?  Is it because he thinks you should have gone to the police?  Does he think you're "tainted"?  Does he think it's "gross" because you willingly went along with an older man?

I am going to talk to my therapist about it soon. All of it definitely was not consensual and was complicated. Bf is just disgusted by it of course, idk if it is more on mine or other guys part. I have lied to him about it since we have been together and he doesn't like that. I pretty much came up with a story on the spot about losing my virginity when he asked me. I for sure think that he thinks I am tainted and it all just sucks. I just don't think I can handle everyone else knowing about this.

[smackie9]

Your BF is being very insensitive/unsupportive. This isn't about him, and how you wish to handle is none of his business. Him forcing/threatening you into telling the family is absolutely horrible. This would be a deal breaker for me. I would dump him tbh.

You tell your BF to drop it and that when you are ready you will let your family know....WHEN you are ready to do so. 

[SherrySher]

24 minutes ago, Harp8373 said:

I am going to talk to my therapist about it soon. All of it definitely was not consensual and was complicated. Bf is just disgusted by it of course, idk if it is more on mine or other guys part. I have lied to him about it since we have been together and he doesn't like that. I pretty much came up with a story on the spot about losing my virginity when he asked me. I for sure think that he thinks I am tainted and it all just sucks. I just don't think I can handle everyone else knowing about this.

I'm glad you're going to be talking to a therapist soon. It's not a good situation for you and you do need help working through it with a therapist. ❤️

I can understand your boyfriends emotions. It was a shock to him. People telling you he's being awful etc, I don't agree. He is upset, he is shocked, he is hurt and he doesn't know how to cope with the emotions either.

I realize that this is your situation, not his. However, he is close to you and loves you and has just been told about all of this, so his reaction is normal.

As for tainted? I am sorry he is seeing it that way. I think he is just angry at this man who stole your innocence and virginity when it was not his to take. 

What this man did to you was a crime. He should be charged and he should be on the list of sex offenders.

It was never okay, and it was never a small thing.

I hope you're okay though. I know you must be dealing with a lot of different emotions as well.

I hope your boyfriend and you are able to talk about this together and be on each others side and not on opposition where either of you feel like they are under attack.

This wasn't your fault. This was the fault of a pedophile who assaulted you.

[MissCanuck]

OP, I would strongly encourage you to report this man. 

What he did was likely criminal in your jurisdiction. At 14, you were a child by most legal definitions. This man is a danger to others and you have no idea who he has access to. 

Please speak to your therapist about this in deciding how you want to proceed. I don’t think your boyfriend looks down on you for this, but is understandably horrified to learn that an adult close to you exploited and abused you this way. However, he needs to respect that it’s your truth to reveal - not his. 

[Starlight925]

To be clear, your mother never knew about any of this?

As for your June trip, I'd avoid this man like the plague.  If he enters the same room you're in, politely excuse yourself.  Say zero words to him.  He's a predator, and he will say anything to strike things back up, believe me.

As for your boyfriend:   He doesn't want to see this man, nor does he want you to see him, nor does he want to be in the same room as him.  Your boyfriend, while not being supportive of you, views this guy the same way we all do:  as a creep.  

Do you want to see this man?

If not, make sure that you voice this, in crystal clear language, to your boyfriend.  

Simple is best:  I do not want to see him.  I do not want to even exchange words with him, and if he's present, I'll make my excuse and leave.  But I do want to see my mother and family, so I hope that you can come with me and support me, as I believe your strength will help me avoid this man while I figure out what my next step is.

[HeartGoesOn]

2 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

I think he thinks it is both because it was. It happened when I was older to and not everything was forced.

Can you clarify the above, please?  Unless I'm reading this wrong, the above may complicate the case, (imo).

Other than that, I agree with everyone else's opinions.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Harp8373 said:

I pretty much came up with a story on the spot about losing my virginity when he asked me. I for sure think that he thinks I am tainted and it all just sucks.

Just so you know for any future dating experiences, just because a guy asks you a question, doesn't mean you have to answer it. Think about the purpose of answering a question and ask if it's helpful knowledge so the person knows you're presently a good prospect for dating. Good reasons for new couples discussing relationship histories are just trying to determine if the person is capable of longterm, if that's the goal. If a person is 30 and their longest relationship was 2 months, that's a relevant red flag and helpful info. If a person said they cheated, that's relevant bad info. If a person says they dated their last partner for a year, and decided their life goals were incompatible, that's not a red flag, and actually a good sign a person is serious about finding a good match. 

As for your bf, if it were me, I'd tell him I'd be discussing it with my therapist, and when anything major he needs to know arises, I will tell him. In the meantime, if he ends up behaving in a way that regularly makes you feel poorly about yourself, then he's not a person who should be in your life.

Please know a person's brain isn't fully mature in the decision-making area of the brain, the pre-frontal cortex, until age 25. So please divulge everything to your skilled therapist and be open to his/her guidance.

I'll give a little story of what happened when I was almost 14 and returned to my hometown for a wedding. My mother was arriving a week later and had sent my brother and I to stay with our Grandma. I had used of a bicycle, and had left my camera at my grown cousin's house a few miles away and went to retrieve it without calling him. Close to the dirt road he lived on, a man, dressed well and in a nice car stopped and asked if I could take a church survey. I said I was in a hurry but he said it would take only 2 minutes. He stayed in the car and I stayed on my bike. But I got suspicious when the questions turned to how physically fit I was and showed me a hand exerciser and said, "Come here, I want to see how strong you are." I then remembered my mother's voice in my head. She'd warned, "Don't go by anyone's car when they ask for directions. They will pull you right through the window."

I took off, and thank God he didn't follow as my cousin wasn't even home. Perhaps he didn't follow because there had been someone in the neighborhood watering their lawn, who might have been eyeing him.

My point is that when I got to my Grandma's and she asked me what took so long, she wanted to call the police. With my immature brain, I didn't want all this hullabaloo, and begged her not to call. With my now adult brain, I've always regretted how I didn't let her call the police, because it might have stopped him from whatever he did to other girls.

Your brain still has some maturing to do. Please know that sacrificing whatever discomfort you'll experience telling authorities, is on a far lower level than the trauma other girls will experience being molested. Sometimes you have to do things for the greater good. If you ever have a child, wouldn't you want a stranger to speak up if it meant keeping them from possible harm?

I still have PTSD when I see a hand exerciser, and I only came close to harm and never actually experienced being physically molested. I can only imagine the horror of someone who wasn't as lucky. I'm very sorry you were not protected from a monster.