I told bf about old relationship and I have messed things up

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

. He used to give me drugs and alcohol and that continued until pretty recently. 

When you speak to your therapist ask about victims and trauma bonds. It's important to get help wrapping your mind around this before you reveal things to others. For example the confusion about how much was abuse vs consensual.

[Harp8373]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How recently? I hope that has all stopped. He has no business knowing about your personal life. 

Again, how recently?

I am trying to get a sense of the extent to which this man is still in your life

Since I have been in my relationship we have had text conversations, maybe 6 or 7 times and that has included me telling him I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize my relationship. The drugs and alcohol thing including him was years ago and I meant that I haven't done any drugs in about a year.

[Starlight925]

Oh wow, I didn't realize you were still in contact with him.

Texting "6 or 7 times", while in your current relationship is so.....not good.  If your boyfriend knew that, he'd have grounds to walk away.

You are still bonded to this man.  You still respond to him.  He's obviously pushing you to pick things back up, or you wouldn't feel the need to tell him that you aren't going to do anything to jeopardize your relationship.

It's one thing for your boyfriend to wrap his head around the past.  This is in your present.

[Harp8373]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

Oh wow, I didn't realize you were still in contact with him.

Texting "6 or 7 times", while in your current relationship is so.....not good.  If your boyfriend knew that, he'd have grounds to walk away.

You are still bonded to this man.  You still respond to him.  He's obviously pushing you to pick things back up, or you wouldn't feel the need to tell him that you aren't going to do anything to jeopardize your relationship.

It's one thing for your boyfriend to wrap his head around the past.  This is in your present.

That text was in the early stages of our relationship and there hasnt been anything else inappropriate since that and he has been respectful.

[redswim30]

30 minutes ago, Harp8373 said:

That text was in the early stages of our relationship and there hasnt been anything else inappropriate since that and he has been respectful.

You need to start disconnecting from this man. (Even if your parents don't)  Stop telling him anything about your private life.  Do not spend time with him, especially alone.  Choose not to be around him.  I think him being "respectful" is more about him not wanting his abuse revealed (this is a tactic abusers use, trying hard to be overly "gentlemenly" AFTER the fact).  The longer you view him as "normal", the less likely you are to admit and accept the reality of his treatment of you and the likelier you are to defend or brush off his actions.  I think this is important for your healing (without even getting into sharing it with anyone else). 

I know telling your family opens a HUGE can of worms, and it's 100% up to you when and how you deal with this.  As I've mentioned, I've known scenarios where this reveal about a "family friend" does not go well and I understand how challenging and complicated it can be.  T

Please please talk to a therapist as soon as you are able.  You need some unbiased support to help you manage this. 

 

[redswim30]

17 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I watched this happen to two girls that I went to high school with. Everybody ganged up on them. They were driven out of the school. Even to this day, the hate for them is thick. Meanwhile, the guys were coddled and treated like victims. It's little wonder nobody reports.

Exactly.  

It's especially shocking when GROWN WOMEN (over 21) actually blame the CHILDREN these men rape or sexually assault and will sooner call the child names and blame them for "trying to steal their man"

Lady- I'd be MUCH more concerned about your adult "man" being a rapist pedophile than being mad at a 12 year old child who doesn't even understand what's going on and adding to her trauma with more anger, shaming and victim blaming.  

I sadly know too many stories of girls and women who are blamed for being raped.  And the boys and men, as you say, coddled with " Oh you poor man for having to deal with that Jezebel"

[Starlight925]

1 hour ago, Harp8373 said:

That text was in the early stages of our relationship and there hasnt been anything else inappropriate since that and he has been respectful.

So you’ve still continued texting him, just that it was “respectful”?

You are in denial.  
 

I have no more advice for you.  I can’t help someone who is in denial. 

[Harp8373]

We don't talk or see each other. It is like one text rarely so I have massively disconnected from him. I am going to bring it up in therapy next week.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

It is like one text rarely

It needs to be zero texts ever. 

 

[Cherylyn]

I've told my husband everything regarding past bad people in my life.  He has definitely heard more than an earful for many years.  He's been extremely compassionate,  kind,  patient,  morally supportive,  a great listener,  gave me great advice,  my staunchest ally and very understanding in endless ways.  Your boyfriend should be reminiscent of my husband.  If he isn't,  your boyfriend will continue to give you perpetual stress. 

In some ways,  however,  there are parallels between your boyfriend and my husband.  My husband is thoroughly disgusted by certain perpetrators in my past life.  My husband said that unless there's humble admittance and a sincere apology forthcoming from the perpetrator,  he never wants to see this individual again.  (Btw, no apologies forthcoming in a million years.  Never.)  There are mutual circles and I actually agree with my husband.  There are enforced boundaries in place which has worked successfully.   Then,  recently,  as an afterthought,  my husband retracted by saying he truly does not want to see this individual again.  I respect his wishes and after mulling it over,  I too concur.  I don't want to see said person anymore either and heaven forbid be in the same room with that person.  No way.  There are certain instances when offenses were so bad,  it's impossible to recover from them.  We are very much risk adverse. 

My husband and I both agreed that we never want to feel uncomfortable during social settings so we socialize with select people in our lives minus those whom we're uncomfortable with.  Again,  these are enforced boundaries and it truly gives us peace of mind,  safety and security.  It wouldn't make sense to place ourselves with certain individuals who are predictably unkind,  cruel,  very rude and intolerable. 

For the longest time,  I forced myself to be with certain people I did not like (same with my husband),  for the sake of harmony for everyone in our family group.  Through the years,  I've tried so hard to go the "stiff upper lip" route,  been a good sport,  did my part by going above and beyond for others for the sake of the whole.  Nowadays,   I refuse to play along for the purpose of making outward appearances.  I find this type of behavior not being true to myself,  disrespecting myself and casting my dignity aside.  For me,  pretending that all is well is sending a message to the perpetrator that whatever they've done was permissible and if they dared to do it again,  there will never be any harsh consequences.  They get away with it because they can.  It's a very narcissistic trait to lack empathy.  They're extremely selfish and a self-centered lot.  Hence,  repetitive offenses becomes the norm. 

Enforced  boundaries causes gambles to come to a screeching halt.  I've discovered that it's very possible to attain peace with workarounds.  It's an adjustment at first and then boundaries are habitual.  I can actually enjoy socializing with zero risk.  Granted,  it's not the ideal nor optimal arrangement but this end goal guarantees my protection.  Not that the perpetrator will necessarily repeat their offenses but I no longer take that chance anymore given their track record and history.  "Once bitten,  twice shy."   Trust is permanently dead.

[Harp8373]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It needs to be zero texts ever. 

 

I am totally cool with that. This is clearly worse than I originally thought. Thanks everyone

[SherrySher]

19 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

It's one thing for your boyfriend to wrap his head around the past.  This is in your present.

I agree.

If the boyfriend knew, he would have every right to end things.

Please seek help with a therapist as soon as possible.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Harp8373 said:

We don't talk or see each other. It is like one text rarely so I have massively disconnected from him. I am going to bring it up in therapy next week.

Definitely do that. Try not to let your BFs immature overreaction frighten you or change the course of what you need to do.

He clearly doesn't understand the complexity of traumatic bonds and grooming. That's ok. It's a very complicated situation. 

He's worried about his ego  and running the show.  Including threatening to reveal this to your family, which means he cannot be trusted with confidential and sensitive information.