ONS Pregnancy - Paternity results are in. Update

[RKO]

Hi all, you may remember my post last September and the whole world of trouble I was in with many aspects of life and mental health. The thread got heated and eventually closed. Anyway the results are in…

The baby is mine. 99.9999999% mine.

How am I about it all I hear you ask? Settle down, this is the update….

The baby mother I met up with in December, she agreed finally to have the legal paternity test I craved when the baby arrived. We had a good heart to heart and I told her if mine I wanted to play a part, financially and emotionally in his life.

from January onwards she updated me most weeks with anything pressing, the babies development was slow and a few worries, I maintained distance but obviously wished the baby would be ok, even if not mine.

It got to early march and I realised that I might be slightly disappointed if the baby wasn’t mine, I had got over the shock and realised whilst life changing it wouldn’t have to be in a bad way.

It got nearer the due date and he had to be delivered as an emergency, his heart rate was dropping. Thankfully he arrived safe and sound and baby mother ok too. She asked if I’d like to see his picture…

The moment I saw him I knew he was mine, a feeling I can’t describe, I just knew by that 1 picture. I broke down in tears and couldn’t wait to get this paternity done.

A few days later we did the test, I gave baby mother a hug and she was lovely, friendly and happy, she, for the first time said she understood why I wanted the test and not to worry about it but until the results were in I wouldn’t meet him, which I was 100% fine with, I still knew he might not be mine.

unfortunatley that evening things took a turn for the worse and he was rushed to a specialist hospital (best in country) for life saving surgery. At this point I didn’t know I was his father still.

thankfully surgery saved his life but a long recovery awaits, the next day the results came in, I’m the father, the hospital due to restrictions had limited visitors but they waived the rule to allow me to meet him as a one off. I drove 5 hours to be with him for 60 mins, that’s as long as they would allow.

I met him last night, I fell in love, we both looked deep in each others eyes, the connection was there. Hopefully he will be home soon.

so that’s my update, in a much better place, it won’t all be easy I know that and will have bumps in the road with baby mother but at least we are civil now. I can look in the mirror and know I’ve done what’s right by me, I didn’t run away, I didnt hide, I stood up to the plate and will continue to do so.

I want to thank a few people on here who have checked in via message to see how I am over last few months, it meant a lot. I haven’t posted as I found that was contributing to my negative mental health, too many voices saying what I should and shouldn’t do going against most important thing - what I wanted to do.

That leads to my final point, after this thread I won’t ever be posting on here again, I received some very harmful messages to my inbox off users, reported them all at the time but they still came in and then got banned myself. 

The main one though was being told to never contact her or chase paternity. If I had done this then it’s not against entire possibility my son could have died and I’d never have known or got a chance to meet him.

Totally understand this place is one for opinions but when they are presented as facts by some who have never been in certain situations and show no empathy then that is dangerous.

Again thanks to those that have cared and checked in and to the ones, you know who you are, that have given some staggeringly bad advice, please think carefully next time what your words can potentially lead to.

[boltnrun]

I'm glad the baby is doing well and the surgery was successful. I hope he remains healthy.

I bet your mom is delighted as well. 

[Seraphim]

So glad your child is ok. That is awesome news . 

[RKO]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm glad the baby is doing well and the surgery was successful. I hope he remains healthy.

I bet your mom is delighted as well. 

Thank you, she is, itching to meet him but will have to wait until he’s home

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

So glad your child is ok. That is awesome news . 

Thank you for your kind words

[Seraphim]

I love babies. I am always overjoyed to hear about them..😊

I miss that stage , my son is an adult now. 

[dias]

20 minutes ago, RKO said:

too many voices saying what I should and shouldn’t do going against most important thing - what I wanted to do.

Ah, listening to people whether online or in real life is not a good idea most of the time. As they say opinions are like butth*les, everyone has one. 

Good thing you didn't listen and you followed your heart. Great news the baby is doing ok. 

 

[RKO]

1 minute ago, dias said:

Ah, listening to people whether online or in real life is not a good idea most of the time. As they say opinions are like butth*les, everyone has one. 

Good thing you didn't listen and you followed your heart. Great news the baby is doing ok. 

 

Thanks Dias.

I’ve no issue with advice but when it’s presented as fact to you, especially when so low, I think that’s dangerous.

But yes, followed my heart and took onboard advice from those that know me day to day.

[Kwothe28]

I was one of your harshest critics when you said how its not yours and urged you to at least check. Glad you did the right thing at the end. 

Congrats on a baby.

[Cherylyn]

Great news and congratulations.  Glad surgery was a success.  👍

[Tinydance]

Well big congratulations Dadda! I think a co-parenting will be doable if both you and the mother can build a friendly and civil relationship. I know she was quite rude to you during her pregnancy so I hope now that she knows you're the father, she will keep herself in check and be friendly to you. I know I didn't message you in your Inbox but I hope you didn't find my comments cruel because I was trying to be supportive. 

Obviously all the drama with the pregnancy caused you so much stress and anxiety and at least now a load has lifted off your shoulders. Don't forget you can probably access resources and counselling for postnatal depression if you experience it. Fathers can get it too.

Just a heads up, newborn babies wake up like every 1.5  - 2 hours constantly so at the start you don't sleep much. Other than that they're pretty cool lol

[RKO]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well big congratulations Dadda! I think a co-parenting will be doable if both you and the mother can build a friendly and civil relationship. I know she was quite rude to you during her pregnancy so I hope now that she knows you're the father, she will keep herself in check and be friendly to you. I know I didn't message you in your Inbox but I hope you didn't find my comments cruel because I was trying to be supportive. 

Obviously all the drama with the pregnancy caused you so much stress and anxiety and at least now a load has lifted off your shoulders. Don't forget you can probably access resources and counselling for postnatal depression if you experience it. Fathers can get it too.

Just a heads up, newborn babies wake up like every 1.5  - 2 hours constantly so at the start you don't sleep much. Other than that they're pretty cool lol

Thank you for your kind words.

I actually told work today about the last few months, my manager was fantastic and has said he’s more than happy to refer me to our work counsellors any time if I feel like I need it. I am quite teary last few days but I think it’s more relief that he’s ok, the situation is over and just general happiness that the future is clearer now.

yes I’m sure there will be things I do that will annoy her and vice versa but being civil is half the battle won I feel.

im not sure when I’ll start having him overnight due to what he’s been through but even when I do majority of the time he will be with her so I think I’ll have the better side of the deal.

 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

WTG...RKO!

[Coily]

A Huge congratulations to you Dad'!!!! You did all the right things by your son at the end of the day, and that is all that matters. Glad you and the mother are working on things, may be complicated at times; but you saw in those 60 minutes how worth it your son is!

Best of luck for you all, and you're a good man.

[RKO]

Just now, Coily said:

A Huge congratulations to you Dad'!!!! You did all the right things by your son at the end of the day, and that is all that matters. Glad you and the mother are working on things, may be complicated at times; but you saw in those 60 minutes how worth it your son is!

Best of luck for you all, and you're a good man.

Absolutely, as mentioned I’m sure there will be clashes but I can’t see it ever being as bad as it was back September.

Thanks for saying I’m a good man too, I can definitely look at myself in the mirror now and know I’ve done the right thing and set a good example to my little brother.

[Batya33]

Echoing all the congratulations and a continued speedy recovery to your son! I did not message you at all and also wondered how you were doing/the situation.  I did not message because on a practical level I'm never sure how it works -meaning I've written messages and then not delivered, etc  - still learning my way around how messaging works here.  But yes I did think of you and the baby for sure.  All the best to you and your family!! Have your parents seen your son?

[itsallgrand]

I'll send out loving healing energy to the little guy for a smooth recovery.

It's always good news when a baby is loved and cherished. Congrats and enjoy your son. 

[Jaunty]

Congratulations!   You know - if you'd like to update here about your son, you can do a blog / journal that nobody else can post on, and not accept private messages.  There are quite a few people here who would like to know how it goes.  Either way, good luck and enjoy the journey.

[RKO]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Echoing all the congratulations and a continued speedy recovery to your son! I did not message you at all and also wondered how you were doing/the situation.  I did not message because on a practical level I'm never sure how it works -meaning I've written messages and then not delivered, etc  - still learning my way around how messaging works here.  But yes I did think of you and the baby for sure.  All the best to you and your family!! Have your parents seen your son?

Thank you.

unfortunatley no, my mother hasn’t met him yet. The hospital he is in have restrictions on visitors and baby mother has stated “I only want people who supported me during pregnancy to visit whilst in hospital” unfortunately this includes me too after initial visit.

I personally think it’s her way of punishment because she said “it’s sad it’s like this but it was your choice now you have to own the decision”

I think it’s terribly cruel and I feel so sad for my mum who’s crying buckets that she can’t meet him, possibly for another week, but for now I’ll just accept it, baby mother has gone through a lot and I imagine she’s been all over the place. I’m not going to cause arguments and rock the boat. However once he’s out of hospital and fine if she continues like this then I will fight my corner more and will go down legal route if needs be, I am sure things will get better once he’s out though.

Funny enough I did notice a negative shift in her attitude soon as I had confirmed paternity, I think reality hit her that she now has to share him and their own little bubble of just them that they have had for a week has popped.

[Batya33]

I'm really sorry if I misread -so - she was enthusiastic and into you being involved -didn't she hug you or something? - and now not? Maybe she has postpartum issues too? Mental health post partum I mean.  I certainly understand visitor limitations in this situation and I hope your mother can meet him soon -I wish the Mom saw the benefit of this baby getting surrounded with true love and joy. 

Our son was in the NICU for a few days and I was all helicopter mom those first couple of months as far as people not holding him -there  also was an H1N1 epidemic with no vaccine yet (flu). 

Anyway I get some extent of overprotective but not so thrilled with the punitive aspect since I'm sure your mother just wants the utmost of all good things for her new grandson and for the family.  All the best and hoping for a quick recovery and happy meetings. 

[RKO]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm really sorry if I misread -so - she was enthusiastic and into you being involved -didn't she hug you or something? - and now not? Maybe she has postpartum issues too? Mental health post partum I mean.  I certainly understand visitor limitations in this situation and I hope your mother can meet him soon -I wish the Mom saw the benefit of this baby getting surrounded with true love and joy. 

Our son was in the NICU for a few days and I was all helicopter mom those first couple of months as far as people not holding him -there  also was an H1N1 epidemic with no vaccine yet (flu). 

Anyway I get some extent of overprotective but not so thrilled with the punitive aspect since I'm sure your mother just wants the utmost of all good things for her new grandson and for the family.  All the best and hoping for a quick recovery and happy meetings. 

Yes massively wanting me to be a part of his life and when we met to do the test she was happy and said she understood why I was asking for the test but not to worry. The results came back and she turned cold.

So not only is my mum not allowed to visit neither am I, I’m sure by law I can etc but as I said I’m not rocking the boat. Just the heartache on my mums face is upsetting me. I understand restrictions but I don’t think they are as strict as she’s saying as I know her friends are visiting today, not sure if meeting the baby or just seeing her. Again, breaks my heart knowing others are getting to hold him before his own grandmother.

[Batya33]

You know I agree with you with not rocking the boat right now.  I've heard actually that grandparents have "rights" too!  Not that it totally excuses it but might be some postpartum issues too. It's a lot for both of you!!

[Seraphim]

There are lots of very intense emotions on all sides right now. Just give everything a chance to settle down. Don’t give up on your rights though. I hope your son gets stronger and healthier every day. 
 

When my nieces were born my ex sister-in-law made sure we all knew ALL her family and friends had seen my nieces before we did. They even knew their names . Her friends who are not even her friends anymore knew my nieces’ names before I did or even my mother did. Infuriating to say the least but she is a cow like that. 
 

Never forget you have legal rights . 

[RKO]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You know I agree with you with not rocking the boat right now.  I've heard actually that grandparents have "rights" too!  Not that it totally excuses it but might be some postpartum issues too. It's a lot for both of you!!

Totally agree. I’ll take it for now, even though it hurts and hope once home and normal things will change. I don’t want to go down the legal path but if needs be I will.

[RKO]

55 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

There are lots of very intense emotions on all sides right now. Just give everything a chance to settle down. Don’t give up on your rights though. I hope your son gets stronger and healthier every day. 
 

When my nieces were born my ex sister-in-law made sure we all knew ALL her family and friends had seen my nieces before we did. They even knew their names . Her friends who are not even her friends anymore knew my nieces’ names before I did or even my mother did. Infuriating to say the least but she is a cow like that. 
 

Never forget you have legal rights . 

That’s my thinking too, once they are home then I won’t be letting things slide. As you say I have legal rights and as someone from a good home, no convictions, no skeletons in cupboard, full time job, I don’t imagine it would be too difficult to get some access. Hopefully I don’t think it will come to that.