ONS Pregnancy - Paternity results are in. Update

[RKO]

Just now, boltnrun said:

She might think you or your mom might copy pics of the baby and post them on your own profile pages. 

Interesting how she seems to be backtracking on allowing you to have a relationship with your child. 

I would presume you'll have to end up going to court. 

Hmm not sure as she has sent me the pics direct and more before. Like I say, no biggy for me just find it odd.

Yup, it’s a huge backtrack isn’t it? Fine all day sending pictures and updates of him, get paternity test and bammmm mood changes 

I can see court happening too. No idea how I’m going to manage to get my mum to meet him as I can’t see her allowing me to bring him home for an hour etc.

[RKO]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I think you need to get a lawyer immediately. 

I’m going to wait and see on what happens when he’s fully out of the woods and home. I’d like to think her mood will improve.

just wish there was a way to never speak/see her but still have access to him. All my fears that i laid out in my initial post back in September are happening 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

I’m going to wait and see on what happens when he’s fully out of the woods and home. I’d like to think her mood will improve.

just wish there was a way to never speak/see her but still have access to him. All my fears that i laid out in my initial post back in September are happening 

So I don't think that would work for your son's development -you do want to know about her parenting and you want him to see you being polite and personable to his mom - it will help him if the co-parenting involves at least some common ground/common approach to parenting so if you have a civil relationship she will tell you stuff and you will tell her stuff concerning your son's behavior/development/likes/dislikes etc that will help both of you be better parents.

[RKO]

Hi all just another update.

Things are improving between me and baby mother, we are very civil now and I can only see things improving.

Yesterday I had my son for the 1st time at my house with my family, just us. It was the most wholesome and fulfilling day of my life, I’ve never felt anything like this in my life, I can’t put into words how full my heart is with love and happiness. I’m ashamed that at the beginning I didn’t want to be the father and was hoping I wasn’t, I thought life was over and now it’s only just begun.

Of course everyone is different and I wouldn’t judge anyone if they chose to walk away from situation I’ve been in but I am oh so happy I chose this path for myself and now have this wonderful miracle in my life.

I know I said I wouldn’t post here again but I’m going to check in now and again just to see if anyone has posted that’s in my situation and needs advice and unsure what to do. I think that was my biggest issue, people who had never been in this position telling me what to do etc.

[mylolita]

RKO!

Ohhhh so great to hear from you!

A massive, HUGE congratulations! Oh wow! I think you have discovered the power of babies... or should I really say, the power of LOVE! 

Your son will be the best, most terrifying, most beautiful, exhilarating, stressful, delightful, tender and phenomenal thing that will ever happen to you! You may want to cry sometimes, your heart may be bursting with love, you may be in awe, you may be exhausted, you may feel like giving up, and experience sheer joy! But you will never regret the day you said you will be part of his life!

You are going to be an incredible father.

No matter what pettiness or argument or hurdles might come up, in life, or between you and the mother, or your families - you can put that aside in a way, because, you have something more important now - your son - and bigger fish to fry!!!

ENJOY HIM! Everyone gave me that advice, and old ladies still do, when they see me with my 5 year old son, my 3 year old daughter and my 1 year old girl in their little double buggy! And it's corny, and sometimes maybe in a years time or so you might internally roll your eyes - but it's so true. Carry on being in the moment. They grow up so incredibly fast. I would give anything to hold my son again the day he was born. 5 years feels like a flash and a whole lifetime all at once. It's quite crippling, but painfully gorgeous!

When babies are so tiny, often they naturally want their mothers more, or Mum will want and will be needed to take more of a hand in things (especially if she is breastfeeding, etc). Work some kind of schedule out between you both that you can stick too. Then you can look forward to pushing him out in a pram, park dates, play dates, and just being together. I remember, and still do, sometimes just taking all my kids out for a slow drive when the rain is pelting. We have songs now that are just "ours!" and remind us of those times we talk and then, I look back, as they've gotten quieter and quieter - and they're asleep! It's the best.

You'll do your own things and create your own special moments! I am honestly made up for you!

If you ever need any technical advice on babies, toddlers! Anything! Please, feel free to message me! My youngest baby is nearly 2, but I feel like I'm still in the thick of the "tiny years!" (for better or for worse!) ((By the way, I hardly know much at all, but we can always bounce off each other! Been there a few times round now, learning as I go!))

Love is the greatest thing. You'll never regret choosing it - NEVER!

You've almost righted your fathers mistake. You should be immensely proud of yourself.

Keep on going RKO! Follow your heart!

All the best,

x

[mylolita]

PS - take advice with a pinch of salt!

No one can ever know you fully, other people fully, all your back story, all the other people involved story, or your whole situation, and other things on top. It's impossible.

I always say - you know your heart better than anyone. In this life, you have to follow your own path. Walking someone else's will only get you lost. 

x

[Batya33]

I'm so glad you are enjoying fatherhood!  I saw people give opinions and suggestions and no one has ever been in this position - pregnancy from a one night stand has so many individual details/contexts/timing - who can know? No one IMO.  But human beings often know what it's like to be responsible for other humans (and in some cases yes animals too!) and know about strong emotions, life responsibilities, life challenges and the financial/logistical practicalities too.  So I think so many of the opinions and suggestions were well intentioned and from the heart and -really good ones.

If it were me I wouldn't have asked "what to do" but simply for support on what I'd decided to do - not necessarily validation but input on the various options I felt I had.  There's a difference, at least to me. I sure was given a lot of unsolicited input when I was thinking of being a single mother by choice as well as when I was risking never conceiving because I was "still single" - so by analogy I get it -it's such a sensitive topic. 

A person who has never been pregnant or a parent can give really valuable input because this is one of those things that involve common emotions to many situations.  Whether you should have asked or were ready to hear -I can't say.

Having said that please please please do not criticize  yourself -you did all you you could practically and financially -and when the baby arrived and was not doing great (I'm so sorry about that too!!)- you put your heart and soul into it too and got your family involved and you were acting like an involved, loving, supportive parent.  When it mattered you were there and it matters now and you are there.  I'm so with you on that overwhelming love and commitment to your child.  No words.  I get it.

I want to add too -no shoulds.  No shoulds on what you "should" be feeling or how much time you should want to be with the baby - when my son was probably 8 weeks old I went out to dinner to celebrate my friend's birthday. In the neighborhood. My husband stayed behind to take care of our son.  One of the guests -my age/single/not a parent said to me with a tone "wow you came! don't you miss your baby??" Um.  No.  Not at that moment -I was thrilled to be out with adults and my friend and celebrating! Was I supposed to miss him and feel "guilty?"

Did that mean I wasn't a devoted mom? No.  It just meant that this person couldn't imagine if she was fortunate enough to be a mom (she desperately wanted to be one/gave up her dream to marry a man she fell in love with who didn't want more kids) that she'd never want a moment away.  Good for her. 

Forget the shoulds -your heart is in the right place.  So are all of your actions - enjoy him!

All the best to you and your son and the rest of your family!!

[Seraphim]

Congrats ! You know the biggest love in the universe . 

[Coily]

Awesome news!!! So very happy for you.

[RKO]

On 5/1/2023 at 11:40 AM, Batya33 said:

I'm so glad you are enjoying fatherhood!  I saw people give opinions and suggestions and no one has ever been in this position - pregnancy from a one night stand has so many individual details/contexts/timing - who can know? No one IMO.  But human beings often know what it's like to be responsible for other humans (and in some cases yes animals too!) and know about strong emotions, life responsibilities, life challenges and the financial/logistical practicalities too.  So I think so many of the opinions and suggestions were well intentioned and from the heart and -really good ones.

If it were me I wouldn't have asked "what to do" but simply for support on what I'd decided to do - not necessarily validation but input on the various options I felt I had.  There's a difference, at least to me. I sure was given a lot of unsolicited input when I was thinking of being a single mother by choice as well as when I was risking never conceiving because I was "still single" - so by analogy I get it -it's such a sensitive topic. 

A person who has never been pregnant or a parent can give really valuable input because this is one of those things that involve common emotions to many situations.  Whether you should have asked or were ready to hear -I can't say.

Having said that please please please do not criticize  yourself -you did all you you could practically and financially -and when the baby arrived and was not doing great (I'm so sorry about that too!!)- you put your heart and soul into it too and got your family involved and you were acting like an involved, loving, supportive parent.  When it mattered you were there and it matters now and you are there.  I'm so with you on that overwhelming love and commitment to your child.  No words.  I get it.

I want to add too -no shoulds.  No shoulds on what you "should" be feeling or how much time you should want to be with the baby - when my son was probably 8 weeks old I went out to dinner to celebrate my friend's birthday. In the neighborhood. My husband stayed behind to take care of our son.  One of the guests -my age/single/not a parent said to me with a tone "wow you came! don't you miss your baby??" Um.  No.  Not at that moment -I was thrilled to be out with adults and my friend and celebrating! Was I supposed to miss him and feel "guilty?"

Did that mean I wasn't a devoted mom? No.  It just meant that this person couldn't imagine if she was fortunate enough to be a mom (she desperately wanted to be one/gave up her dream to marry a man she fell in love with who didn't want more kids) that she'd never want a moment away.  Good for her. 

Forget the shoulds -your heart is in the right place.  So are all of your actions - enjoy him!

All the best to you and your son and the rest of your family!!

Funny you should say that about going out, im going out with 2 friends for food tomorrow eve and I feel guilty, I’ve made plans to go to a convention with my little brother in 2 weeks and I feel guilty, im feeling like I should be keeping days free just incase there is an emergency etc which is silly I know but that’s something I have to shake off asap. Of course I’d never make plans on days he’s with me but I guess I’m guilty that baby mother is at home looking after him alone and I’m out enjoying life. Of course I offer every single day to help and for her to tell me if she needs a break and I’ll have him in a heartbeat. She’s grateful but I think possibly stubborn, like it was her choice to have him so it’s up to her to deal with hi. K8nda thing.

As for advice I meant more towards the horrible private messages I was getting on here calling me all sorts, some wishing me dead and nothing was done about it.

Also the post by @Wiseman2 saying I was hassling her asking for a paternity test and should have left her alone and walked away. THANK GOD I didn’t do that, and it was that but of advice which really stuck with me and made me realise how dangerous dishing out things like that on here is 

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry about the abusive private messages. I'm sure you noticed there are some people who seem to be on this forum constantly (and I am on frequently for what I call "brain breaks") who seem to have literally nothing else to do. No hobbies. Anyone who becomes abusive needs to take a long look in the mirror and ask themselves if they feel good about making death threats to ANYONE. 

The little guy will likely be fine while you're gone for a few days. Please don't feel guilty about enjoying yourself. 

[Batya33]

My husband had to be away 2-3 days a week every 2 weeks when our son was 2 weeks old and forward. Wasn't fun and we had no family help. But I knew in advance this would be the situation and we managed!

[RKO]

18 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry about the abusive private messages. I'm sure you noticed there are some people who seem to be on this forum constantly (and I am on frequently for what I call "brain breaks") who seem to have literally nothing else to do. No hobbies. Anyone who becomes abusive needs to take a long look in the mirror and ask themselves if they feel good about making death threats to ANYONE. 

The little guy will likely be fine while you're gone for a few days. Please don't feel guilty about enjoying yourself. 

100%, the knitting club who have never put a foot wrong in their lives and admin won’t ban despite the abuse they send.

[Jaunty]

I think you are getting good support here now.   If you go back and read through the whole thread where you were getting a lot of negative feedback, you might have a bit of a different perspective on it.  Personally, I took a lot of exception to the time you spent on negatively portraying the mother of your child.  I did express this, though of course never sent any private messages etc.

You have been on a journey through all the parts of this experience, starting with your decision to have sex with this woman and leading to where you are today.  It seems like a generally positive journey where you've grown a lot.  Parenthood is a never ending trip of growth, challenge and change.  Keep up the good work.

[RKO]

Hi everyone, not sure if any mothers/fathers can offer views here.

Had a bit of a run in with baby mother on weekend, she said it isnt feasible for me to expect so see the baby every weekend as her family and friends are only off weekends too so they wont have a chance to see him.

I’ve seen him the last 4 Saturdays , the 1st 2 of them for about 3 hours and the last 2 about 5/6 hours.

She suggests I should start taking annual leave to see him in the week (I work mon-fri, it’s about a 50 mile round trip to her place) I feel this is totally unfair and impossible, I won’t be able to do it.

I also brought up that once he’s had his surgery and 100% that we should sort a routine out where I see him an evening in the week and every other weekend, she shot this down saying that’s too much and she spent a lot of her pregnancy just planning it to be the 2 of them and now she has to “give him up”

I asked what schedule she had in mind and I just had “don’t know”

We have a few dates in coming weeks for him to start over nights as she has nights out planned which is a positive but making me think she’s going down the road of me having him when suits her and not the needs of him.

Not sure peoples thoughts on this?

[Batya33]

I am sorry you are stressed! And I was thinking of you and your son and so glad he is 100%!! Some more info please? What is the issue with you being there while others are there as well? Second - it cannot be allll day that others are there so if you are flexible can't you come early morning or at his wake up time (if he has a standard one at this point?). My sense is he likely isn't sleeping through the night quite yet (well because of his age plus the NICU/surgery situation).  Most guests don't come early morning IMO.

Obviously if he was older I'd see where you'd want one on one but certainly you can impart all your wisdom and insights to him even with others around 😉

25 miles each way with no traffic is around 30 minutes -is it a heavily trafficked commute? Also this sort of brings up -any discussions on you relocating -your thoughts and/or is she going to stay put and have you discussed her plans? How about a compromise so you drive once a week? Can you leave work earlier maybe?

She can't be "I don't know" for any real length of time. I forgot -is there a formal custody/visitation plan in the works? 

I wish you the best in sorting this out.

(Also do you face time?)

[Seraphim]

You need a lawyer . You are the baby’s father her friends don’t count to a court and neither will other family members. The parents matter to the court . She also can’t dictate to you when you see your child. Get a court involved. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You need a lawyer . You are the baby’s father her friends don’t count to a court and neither will other family members. The parents matter to the court . She also can’t dictate to you when you see your child. Get a court involved. 

Yes. I could not agree more. Writing is on the wall. Let outside people do a visitation plan or at least give their blessing to one you both come up with. Then you will greatly decrease this back and forth and stress she’s already creating. 

[Big Stan]

Get a lawyer.  Get your legal rights and support documented through the court.  The longer you wait the more she can use it against you IN COURT.  She will say you have abandoned your kid this whole time.  Document EVERY call and EVERY visit.  Keep a log of ALL money you've given the mother.  Document, document and document some more.  

Keep all the information about his hospital and his condition, his height, weight even shoe and clothing size.  Keep it all down.  Not knowing that stuff will be used against you in court.  Do not wait, get your visitation order and push for joint custody.  You have rights, she cannot keep your son from you whether she likes it or not. 

[RKO]

Thanks everyone.

after doing some research here in uk it actually seems that I’m seeing and having him more than a court would agree to.

they say a couple of hours twice a week for a newborn is standard and no overnights until around the age of 2 in some cases.

Hes 9 weeks and I’m having him sometimes for 5/6 hours and we have overnights scheduled for next month. Also taking into consideration he’s still an outpatient and awaiting surgery I might be shooting myself in the foot here for pushing for more and could end up with less.

My plan is to carry on for now, build up the bond and proof to the courts if needed that I have looked after him several times and overnight and capable and reassess once his surgery has been done (June/July)

I may however visit a solicitor for some advice but not proceed to see if what I’m doing is right.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

they say a couple of hours twice a week for a newborn is standard and no overnights until around the age of 2 in some cases.

Yes that may be but her restricting you to certain hours because others want to come over and see the baby seems to be improper including because of your commute from work to her home.

[Tinydance]

Well I was also going to suggest that you go through court to organise legal custody arrangements. But if it's likely you'd get even less custody then obviously that wouldn't be in your favour. I would probably just leave things as they are for now.

[mylolita]

Hey RKO!

All the best to you and your son!

Newborns mostly need their primary care giver, normally the Mum, especially if she is breastfeeding, nearly 24/7 - so I do get where she is coming from regarding y'know, keeping the visiting times realistic and not too long. But, then again, if she has a rotating wheel of friends and family coming over, she should definitely prioritise your visits over others, of course! 

I'd try get something in writing, some kind of basic schedule that fits around his naps and medical needs, and keep it realistic and suited to her times and your work schedule. 

By the way, on a different note - if members here have sent you horrible messages, or, my God, death threats(!!!!) private messages are watched by admin, and I would really suggest forwarding those messages onto admin. It's so bad this happened to you, and I don't think people who do that should be on here, ironically giving advice?! Seems completely hypocritical and as you say, people who come here are often in vulnerable, upsetting and testing situations - it's totally unacceptable to get those messages. I'd really push admin on this. It could help future people coming here for advice to not have to be faced with nasty stuff.

All the best RKO, keep it up!

Best of luck for your little guys surgery! Seek second and third medical opinions where you can!

x

[Jaunty]

I don't disagree with those saying "get a lawyer" but I'd like to caution you against setting up an adversarial situation with this woman who is the mother of your child.  You have a long road of co-parenting ahead and it will behoove you to have it as harmonious as possible.

The bonding between a mother and a newborn can be very intense and also feel confusing for the woman.  It's a hormonal tsunami.

You can talk to a lawyer and start learning how to get an established custody / visitation program established.   I'm just suggesting that you don't get confrontational or talk to her in a way that makes her feel defensive and threatened. 

She will ultimately benefit from having things organized so both of you know what the schedule will be.  You will hopefully be able to work together for times when you might want some flexibility.  

And definitely, the newborn stage is not ideal for overnights away from primary caregiver.  

[RKO]

57 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't disagree with those saying "get a lawyer" but I'd like to caution you against setting up an adversarial situation with this woman who is the mother of your child.  You have a long road of co-parenting ahead and it will behoove you to have it as harmonious as possible.

The bonding between a mother and a newborn can be very intense and also feel confusing for the woman.  It's a hormonal tsunami.

You can talk to a lawyer and start learning how to get an established custody / visitation program established.   I'm just suggesting that you don't get confrontational or talk to her in a way that makes her feel defensive and threatened. 

She will ultimately benefit from having things organized so both of you know what the schedule will be.  You will hopefully be able to work together for times when you might want some flexibility.  

And definitely, the newborn stage is not ideal for overnights away from primary caregiver.  

Yes exactly this, I dont want to cause any drama or upset for her, him and me, I’m hoping we are all mature enough to get this sorted without court.

im sure her hormones are stIll all over the place, some days she can be so warm towards me, sharing pictures and telling me about his day and offering times for me to see, then next day 1 word replies. We will get there though, I’ll bite my tongue for now but she now knows what I’d like long term as to seeing him so maybe in time she will warm to that and when she starts back in work she will take me up on my offers to see him and help.

Main thing is him, his health and having both of us in his life without conflict. I’m positive we will get to that point eventually.