ONS Pregnancy - Paternity results are in. Update

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So this could be awesome if she feels the same way but .... maybe tread lightly since you don't want any negative impact on your relationship with your child?

I know right? I’m just trying to dig deep and find out if I’d feel this way if he wasn’t around, or if I’m only feeling like this because of him. I’d never want to get with someone just because we have a child together and set that out from the start.

I just don’t know though, the feelings aren’t shifting and if anything they are growing 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

I know right? I’m just trying to dig deep and find out if I’d feel this way if he wasn’t around, or if I’m only feeling like this because of him. I’d never want to get with someone just because we have a child together and set that out from the start.

I just don’t know though, the feelings aren’t shifting and if anything they are growing 

So here's my outsider take - I don't think it's about the child - because that would have happened a long time ago especially when you two were at odds.  And even if your feelings are partly about sharing a child -I mean - don't most parents who are together feel even stronger about each other once they're a family? Or see how their spouse loves the child and it enhances their love for their spouse?  I also think you'd know if you were trying to force feelings- obviously you're not.

Do you think she has feelings for you?

[Seraphim]

I would wait and see what develops . 

[Tinydance]

Wow you've actually done a complete 180 lol You went from not wanting to have the child and not liking the mother to now being the most doting Dad and crushing on the mother lol Which is probably a good thing! I mean how do you think she feels about you? I could be wrong but she didn't seem that fond of you and acted jerky towards you? 

[mylolita]

Morning RKO,

 

I’ve just seen this thread! 
 

A huge congratulations that everything worked out! We are rooting for you! 
 

I am definitely all for a mother and father staying together - just think how great this would be for you both and your son if you could work this out! You were attracted to each other in the first place, maybe getting to know each other wouldn’t harm, you both have nothing to lose! 
 

All the best! You will make a fantastic father! Keep involved, you’re doing great! 
 

And yes, please take any advice with a pinch of salt! I originally came here 15 years ago and my first post was about losing the spark with my now husband (we were boyfriend and girlfriend at the time). 90% of people told me to leave and ditch the relationship. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10 and have 3 children - it’s a little intense to think what might have happened if my 18/19 year old self had listened to most of the advice here! 
 

We can never see all the nuances of a situation and we don’t know the poster or the people they are talking about. 
 

You need to follow your own heart and mind! 
 

All the best! 
 

x

[Batya33]

The reason I say to tread lightly is because until right now he never had a spark for her.  She was a ONS and I think he'd decided to get drunk at that wedding so he was interested in her for a sexual liasion but that's it -he didn't try to date her after.  

Look -there are arranged marriages that work because the spark/love grows. So I think he should tread lightly, see how she feels and see how it goes.

[RKO]

Just checking in again to you all and to wish a merry Christmas.

Hoping if anyone in my boat I was in a year to now can read this and feel inspiration, hope and belief.

Even though Christmas day hasn't started, I've had the best and most special December with my little boy, he's everything I didn't know I needed and was missing in life. If anyone in same position, just read my posts and know it's not the end for you, life isn't over, in fact it's only just beginning

I've not explored or even discussed anything with the mother about my previous post, right now it's about enjoying Christmas with my boy.

I hope you all have a great time, full of health and good fortune

A merry Christmas to all

[Batya33]

I hope you have an amazing first Christmas with your son. Your post made me teary. I’m so glad you are his dad. 

[Jaunty]

Thank you for updating, it's very heartwarming.   Happy New Year.

[RKO]

Hi everyone, hope you had a good new year and Christmas, mine was as beautiful as I expected and more.

 

Going back to the feelings toward the mother, as you know from previous post I was starting to have feelings towards her, in a romantic way. I’ve sat on them, wanting to make sure it was a genuine feeling and not a fleeting emotion, or getting caught up with Christmas and at the same time concentrating on my son.

the last month I’ve noticed a real improvement between us, on the pick-up and drop offs we are talking more, laughing and there’s that look between us when we make eye contact.

Anyway I’ve still not said anything through fear of what would happen if I had read it wrong, would things be strange again, would she be awkward about me seeing my son and feel uncomfortable.

Our mutual friend had a baby over Christmas, I went around to see them and conversation turned to me and baby mother, saying mother gets a lot of questions about her and I, if we would ever get together, our mutual friends words were “you should see her face when she’s asked that” what that means I don’t know but It sounded in a negative way. I said to the I think there is still some anamosity from her at times but things are good and a lot better than I thought. Awkward silence then followed. Finally she asked if we all went out as group of friends to celebrate would her and I be ok with each other, my friend ten said everyone would try and keep us separate. At this point I was getting uncomfortable with the conversation, I realised why I shut all this away from them and didn’t discuss things from October 22 onwards until he was born. It felt what they were saying and expecting to happen was the complete opposite to how I feel things would be, again questioned if I’ve read it all wrong.

Moving on last week I was having a text conversation with the mother about our son and we just moved on about life and all that, out of nowhere she just said that she is so happy that I’m in his life and can see that we both adore each other, then something that really made me emotional “I’m also glad you’re his dad and I think you’re the best dad” Nothing romantic there but still just made me happy she feels that.

Finally, this week I thought, I might mention it, having no idea if she was still with this guy or not I checked her Facebook, she had a public photo from the night before posted, a heart emoji and a picture of them together looking happy. This floored me. I’m still on cloud 9 and so happy with my little boy, but I’m now just so sad about not being with her. Clearly she is happy and what our mutual friends said sort of proves it’s all one way and in my head the feelings.

i just dont know what to do now

[Seraphim]

I am so very glad you and your son can build a loving relationship and his mom is happy about it and that is all going better . 
 

About your son’s mom, I think that train has left the station . There was such overwhelming negativity and animosity during her pregnancy and after I think it is too much to forgive . Let her go. She is happy and you have a beautiful son to be happy with. 

[Coily]

In regards to her, you will still get those moments from time to time, it's natural. Also thinking about what if is natural too; but those idle thoughts won't help your Son. So when you get those thoughts focus on what's best for your boy, who sounds like he has a great and loving dad.

I think others in the friend group see more friction than what the two of you are living. They aren't seeing you both are trying to do what's best for your son, and that will build more cordiality over time.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I am so very glad you and your son can build a loving relationship and his mom is happy about it and that is all going better . 
 

About your son’s mom, I think that train has left the station . There was such overwhelming negativity and animosity during her pregnancy and after I think it is too much to forgive . Let her go. She is happy and you have a beautiful son to be happy with. 

I agree.  And I agree with the mom that you seem -like a very loving and caring parent!

[boltnrun]

Well, your 180 is astounding. And if it's astounding for us I would imagine it is for her but tenfold.

I think it's wonderful how much you love your son. It's also good that you now view his mother in a positive way. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, RKO said:

...our mutual friends words were “you should see her face when she’s asked that” what that means I don’t know...

You have nothing to lose by asking for clarification about what that means instead of automatically reaching for a negative implication. 

If someone is trying to tell you something, help them out when you don't understand. Ask them whether they're saying something good or bad.

Meanwhile, congrats on being a great Dad!

[tattoobunnie]

18 hours ago, RKO said:

i just dont know what to do now

I use emojis all the time, cuz it's fun.  I wouldn't read into a pic and an emoji.  It really means nothing.  And btw, with how you did treat her in the past, you need a grand gesture.  If you want her, you need to put your heart on your sleeve.  Do not wait for a signal from her after you spent 9 months telling her she is "Ho."  Go hang out; I mean to dinner. To new places. With the baby.  Museums, parks, aquariums, zoos. Plan the 2nd birthday party together.  If you think she may be the one, do the work, and make the effort.  Don't leave it all up to emojis.

[Kwothe28]

21 hours ago, RKO said:

I checked her Facebook, she had a public photo from the night before posted, a heart emoji and a picture of them together looking happy.

Sorry buddy, probably lost cause. Even though I am not into "emoji science", dont think they put heart with somebody if they are broken up.

On the other hand, you can just, you know, ask her. You are on the good terms so you could just ask stuff like that.

[RKO]

Hi all. Just thought I'd check in 

Things are still great with my little boy, just getting better and better every time I see him and there has been no drama or fall out between me and his mum for such a long time now. Things are great

But

I still have very strong feelings towards her, and they are growing, I'm trying to ignore them but I think about her every second, I love her.

She has her boyfriend, I've seen a social media post with her saying she loves him. 

I just don't know what to do. I'm currently keeping quiet, I don't want to rock the boat or make things awkward if I told her how I felt, my son is still priority of course, even if it does mean being sad.

I just feel meh and stuck. I was told once you should never keep feelings hidden, if our boy wants Involved I'd 100% tell her.

I'm just venting here. Sorry 

[tattoobunnie]

Ignore social media.  I find when people post TMI about their relationships, it's not exactly all rosey.  Just be kind, be accountable, be present, be thoughtful.  Don't base it on if you boy wants it...This is you life too.

The one thing you need to realize, and YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY it to not make any rash decisions.  Do not lead with just your emotions...which is why you and her didn't line up just yet.

Just be the best man.  BE the BEST MAN.  And I don't mean title at a wedding wise.  Sit with the love, and be loving.  Ask her to hang out with you and kiddo and her.  Go to dinners together.  Go on trips together.  And then, it honestly will happen. Be patient though.  You did make a mess in the beginning.  No grand gesture...just be loving, even if you aren't bf & gf yet.

[Coily]

This is a natural outgrowth of seeing how well she does with your son, and as he's a big part of your life now.

Right now the best expression of your affection for her, isn't a romantic one; it's going to be trying to do more with your son. Also as he gets older, I think tattoobunnie is on the right track; do things with both your son and his mum. Model what kind of man you want him to be, and make sure she sees and knows this.

It's okay to be frustrated with the current situation; this is all so new and fresh for you it will be a long time until this is your new normal. She may never see you romantically, but as long as she sees how much you love your son; that's all that matters.

[RKO]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Ignore social media.  I find when people post TMI about their relationships, it's not exactly all rosey.  Just be kind, be accountable, be present, be thoughtful.  Don't base it on if you boy wants it...This is you life too.

The one thing you need to realize, and YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY it to not make any rash decisions.  Do not lead with just your emotions...which is why you and her didn't line up just yet.

Just be the best man.  BE the BEST MAN.  And I don't mean title at a wedding wise.  Sit with the love, and be loving.  Ask her to hang out with you and kiddo and her.  Go to dinners together.  Go on trips together.  And then, it honestly will happen. Be patient though.  You did make a mess in the beginning.  No grand gesture...just be loving, even if you aren't bf & gf yet.

I think asking her out for meals, trips and doing things together right now is totally out the picture, if she was single sure, but she has a boyfriend of possibly around 12 months.

Definitley agree come a long way, especially when reading back my posts here.

I will still die on the hill that I did the right thing in asking for a DNA test however, and I do think she was out of line for not agreeing straight away, something she has apologised for since. 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, RKO said:

I think asking her out for meals, trips and doing things together right now is totally out the picture, if she was single sure, but she has a boyfriend of possibly around 12 months.

Definitley agree come a long way, especially when reading back my posts here.

I will still die on the hill that I did the right thing in asking for a DNA test however, and I do think she was out of line for not agreeing straight away, something she has apologised for since. 

You are the father of her kid, and are allowed to be friends that do things together and hang out.  Do the work.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

I was told once you should never keep feelings hidden,

Well, that was lousy advice. Blurting 'feelings' to someone who is in a committed relationship gets you viewed as someone who doesn't respect commitments and is tone deaf to reality.

You're co-parenting with this woman for the long haul. So outlast him. 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, catfeeder said:

You're co-parenting with this woman for the long haul. So outlast him. 

Exactly.  Don't always think if you can't get into their pants, you shouldn't be friends or do stuff together. Zoos, museums, restaurants, hiking, and you have the best reason...your kid. Do the work.  Love doesn't happen overnight.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You're co-parenting with this woman for the long haul. So outlast him. 

I disagree. This guy could be there for a day and could be there for a few years or even forever. OP shouldnt be dependent on something like that. But to lead his own life. Him orbiting wont help him get the girl and would stagnate his own growth. If it happens in the future that they connect again, sure. But other than coparenting a kid, this is not something he should even entertain at least for now. 

Also, I dont like to point the obvious to OP since I do like the growth he did by accepting the responsibility as a parent of the kid instead of just bailing out. He has my full respect for that even though I was critical of him at first. But, from what I remember, I cant really blame the woman for not taking him back. He didnt want to recognize the kid, even had very, lets say harsh opinions about the mother of his kid. I know that he thinks differently now and that is OK. But he cant really blame her for not wanting him and finding some different man. When his initial reaction was very antagonistic to her. Cant help but to notice that he could easily had both the mother and a kid together. If only he has played his cards right at the beginning instead of antagonizing the person that now he wants as a woman. He is young so I get his reaction. But still, cant really blame the woman.