ONS Pregnancy - Paternity results are in. Update

[tattoobunnie]

Congratulations!  I knew a bulk of it was just nerves talking, where you convince yourself for so long that you can't do it, or don't want it, or don't need it.  Then, they are here, and they transform you.

Welcome to the dad club.  You're in for one of the best years of your life 🥰

Albeit, maybe with less sleep.

[RKO]

59 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Congratulations!  I knew a bulk of it was just nerves talking, where you convince yourself for so long that you can't do it, or don't want it, or don't need it.  Then, they are here, and they transform you.

Welcome to the dad club.  You're in for one of the best years of your life 🥰

Albeit, maybe with less sleep.

Yup, I even got to that point even before he arrived, very strange.

As for less sleep yup ready for that but I think baby mother will bear brunt of that as won’t be 50/50 care, looking at every other weekend hopefully so 4/6 nights a month of lack of sleep won’t be too bad. Can’t complain.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, RKO said:

Yup, I even got to that point even before he arrived, very strange.

As for less sleep yup ready for that but I think baby mother will bear brunt of that as won’t be 50/50 care, looking at every other weekend hopefully so 4/6 nights a month of lack of sleep won’t be too bad. Can’t complain.

Also if I may -good time to get up to date on vaccines like flu, whooping cough, etc especially since baby had surgery/will be more vulnerable

[gamon]

Thanks for this update.

I felt the same about my first daughter. I wasn't all that into being a parent, just sort of went along with it to appease the wife at the time. Wasn't all that supportive during the pregnancy..

When I first laid eyes on my newborn child everything changed.

 

[RKO]

Think I spoke too soon in terms of relationship with baby mother, was getting very blunt messages today, I just checked in early this morning (baby yet again getting better and better) 

This evening I thought I’d better double check but my mum wanted to post a picture on social media of him, she absolutely exploded on me saying no, he’s in hospital, how dare I etc etc, tbh I wasn’t too keen with my mum wanting to but she just wants to show him off to her friends, and obviously can’t in real life. I politely said no problem and understand so don’t worry but the abuse kept on coming she then said she’s been admitted to hospital herself now as she’s not well, I asked when and what’s happening and all I got back was “I’m not well” I offered if she needed anything or support etc but was left on read.

I know there’s 2 sides to every story but I promise I’ve been nothing but thoughtful and caring as much as possible whilst not being allowed to be there, I really don’t understand her attitude. I have no idea what’s wrong with her or if there is anyone with baby at all in hospital. It’s a living nightmare 

[boltnrun]

I'm with her on not posting photos to social media because I see that as totally unnecessary. I'm not with her on responding rudely.

However, isn't this par for the course with her? She seems to be very emotionally volatile and has extreme reactions to questions or inquiries or anything that she takes as criticism. I mean, I get that she's worried and on edge. It must be terribly frightening to have your newborn baby going through surgery and not being medically able to bring him home, and that social media posts are trivial at this point. But still, you are trying to offer support. 

Are you considering seeing an attorney to have a visitation and support agreement filed once everything settles down?

[RKO]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm with her on not posting photos to social media because I see that as totally unnecessary. I'm not with her on responding rudely.

However, isn't this par for the course with her? She seems to be very emotionally volatile and has extreme reactions to questions or inquiries or anything that she takes as criticism. I mean, I get that she's worried and on edge. It must be terribly frightening to have your newborn baby going through surgery and not being medically able to bring him home, and that social media posts are trivial at this point. But still, you are trying to offer support. 

Are you considering seeing an attorney to have a visitation and support agreement filed once everything settles down?

Agree with social media, thing is though that she’s posted a lot of pictures of him already on hers, but I’m not arguing over it at all, bigger fish to fry.

Yes she has been snappy but since January there was a real change, she was calmer and we could actually have a conversation, I feel it’s back to square one now, perhaps even worse than before.

As for legal we did say at the time “if” he was mine then every other weekend at least and when time was right he could stay over. I won’t bring all this up now, when he’s home then will revisit but if she carries on like she has then of course I’ll go down the legal route 

[boltnrun]

Yeah, but she's his mom. So for now, as long as there's no legal agreement in place you're at the whim of whatever she chooses. 

Do you know if she put your name down as the father on the birth certificate?

I would strongly encourage you to go ahead and pursue a legal visitation and support agreement once the baby is home and no longer needs to be medically monitored. As I said before, without an agreement you are completely at her mercy. She could deny you visitation any time she chooses since you have no legal claim. Please talk to a paralegal or attorney to get the best advice. And if that ticks her off, oh well. That's the way it is.

[RKO]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, but she's his mom. So for now, as long as there's no legal agreement in place you're at the whim of whatever she chooses. 

Do you know if she put your name down as the father on the birth certificate?

I would strongly encourage you to go ahead and pursue a legal visitation and support agreement once the baby is home and no longer needs to be medically monitored. As I said before, without an agreement you are completely at her mercy. She could deny you visitation any time she chooses since you have no legal claim. Please talk to a paralegal or attorney to get the best advice. And if that ticks her off, oh well. That's the way it is.

Slightly different rules here in uk, a father can’t be put on BC if not married without being there in person. He hasn’t been certified as yet, I believe you have 40 days after birth to do it.

we also have the legally binding paternity test result. 
 

It will be a bridge I cross if I get to it, I have no problem going to a lawyer, I worked for a firm for 11 years, that will be used without hesitation if this still occurs when home.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry about your struggles. I agree with the mom about not wanting your mom to post photos on social media -we would have insisted on the same restrictions (even if we had posted our own photos -which we didn't).  It wasn't a good idea for her to ask that of her given the tenuous connection as it is.  You'll all move past it.

I'd wanted to ask about the birth certificate -that's very interesting information.

[Tinydance]

Well you need to remember, you do have legal rights to your son. I understand about not posting on social media. But if she won't be giving him to you on weekends or whatever, you can go through court and get some custody of him. When you have custody of him then your Mum can also spend time with him. Unfortunately I think when the mother will have him you basically have to follow her rules because it's her time with your son. I guess she also doesn't have to be your good friend or anything like that. She just has to be civil and allow you to see your son.

[Seraphim]

I hope she becomes more co-operative. It is so so so much better for the children if parents can be civil with one another . 

[RKO]

8 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I hope she becomes more co-operative. It is so so so much better for the children if parents can be civil with one another . 

 

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well you need to remember, you do have legal rights to your son. I understand about not posting on social media. But if she won't be giving him to you on weekends or whatever, you can go through court and get some custody of him. When you have custody of him then your Mum can also spend time with him. Unfortunately I think when the mother will have him you basically have to follow her rules because it's her time with your son. I guess she also doesn't have to be your good friend or anything like that. She just has to be civil and allow you to see your son.

 

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry about your struggles. I agree with the mom about not wanting your mom to post photos on social media -we would have insisted on the same restrictions (even if we had posted our own photos -which we didn't).  It wasn't a good idea for her to ask that of her given the tenuous connection as it is.  You'll all move past it.

I'd wanted to ask about the birth certificate -that's very interesting information.

I think this was my biggest fear, how she would be, her reactions and if she would play ball.  Can cut some slack as to the situation right now but if this is going to be her go to reaction everytime there’s an issue then it doesn’t bode well.

Just thinking out loud here, but if it ever gets to a point when our relationship breaks down, can a mediator or someone neutral ever be involved  as a middle man so to speak? So that we don’t ever have to communicate with each other directly? Hopefully won’t come to that but I can’t be walking on eggshells and biting my tongue for the next 16 years.

I messaged this morning to see how he is today and just got “I told you, I’ll contact you if any update” 

[Seraphim]

Yes, you can get a mediator in Canada, our Children’s Aid Society will play that role . I am not sure how it works in the UK. 
 

If she is determined to tell you nothing about your son or let you see him I would tell her as you are his father and have a legally binding test to prove it you will absolutely get the courts involved  and exercise your rights. What she is doing is wrong. 

[Batya33]

I'd save the messages with you inquiring about your son.  Try to focus -please -on day by day for now -not whether it will be years of walking on eggshells.  I hope your son is doing ok today.

Out of the box question -is there a religious figure -whether church or otherwise who can act as a go between -is she religious? Sometimes that can help, maybe?

[Seraphim]

I agree save every single message for the courts . 

[boltnrun]

Yes, a third party mediator can be very helpful. 

I suggest you get a free or low cost consultation with a family law specialist to find out your rights and what courses of action you can take. Not to do it immediately but to have that knowledge ready if it becomes necessary. 

[RKO]

8 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Yes, you can get a mediator in Canada, our Children’s Aid Society will play that role . I am not sure how it works in the UK. 
 

If she is determined to tell you nothing about your son or let you see him I would tell her as you are his father and have a legally binding test to prove it you will absolutely get the courts involved  and exercise your rights. What she is doing is wrong. 

 

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'd save the messages with you inquiring about your son.  Try to focus -please -on day by day for now -not whether it will be years of walking on eggshells.  I hope your son is doing ok today.

Out of the box question -is there a religious figure -whether church or otherwise who can act as a go between -is she religious? Sometimes that can help, maybe?

 

7 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I agree save every single message for the courts . 

 

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Yes, a third party mediator can be very helpful. 

I suggest you get a free or low cost consultation with a family law specialist to find out your rights and what courses of action you can take. Not to do it immediately but to have that knowledge ready if it becomes necessary. 

Thanks everyone for feedback.

Baby still doing well but needed a scan on his heart today as a precaution, you know the part where she said she would tell me and keep updated? Well she didn’t I messaged again to see how his day has been.

Can this postnatal depression / worry really cause someone to act like this? I’m just feeling so cut off and feel like she’s using the paternity test to punish me.

She said she was “better” today but didn’t say what was wrong with her yesterday or if she’s still in hospital, ignored when I asked.

I thought she would be happy that her child has a father who cares and wants to be involved, right now I just feel like a nuisance and an after thought.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, RKO said:

 

 

 

Thanks everyone for feedback.

Baby still doing well but needed a scan on his heart today as a precaution, you know the part where she said she would tell me and keep updated? Well she didn’t I messaged again to see how his day has been.

Can this postnatal depression / worry really cause someone to act like this? I’m just feeling so cut off and feel like she’s using the paternity test to punish me.

She said she was “better” today but didn’t say what was wrong with her yesterday or if she’s still in hospital, ignored when I asked.

I thought she would be happy that her child has a father who cares and wants to be involved, right now I just feel like a nuisance and an after thought.

PPD. or PPA can be really hard. And since you’re not in her life personally you’re probably getting the worst of it meaning maybe for those she is close to she has more good moments especially since she wants them around her and her baby. I’m sorry about the frustration. 

[Seraphim]

As his father you can call the hospital and ask for updates . 

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

As his father you can call the hospital and ask for updates . 

Even if he's not acknowledged legally as the father?

I understand the paternity test itself is legal in the eyes of the court but I understood he still does not have legal standing as the child's father. I understood he would have to file a court case to be declared the legal father if the mother doesn't declare him the father legally herself. 

I'm not contradicting you, I legit am not sure how the law works in the UK. 

[Seraphim]

35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Even if he's not acknowledged legally as the father?

I understand the paternity test itself is legal in the eyes of the court but I understood he still does not have legal standing as the child's father. I understood he would have to file a court case to be declared the legal father if the mother doesn't declare him the father legally herself. 

I'm not contradicting you, I legit am not sure how the law works in the UK. 

Yeah , I don’t know either. Here in Canada a father goes on the birth certificate married or not and is the legal father once on that certificate. It is filled out at the hospital and the hospital mails out all the forms. 

[RKO]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Even if he's not acknowledged legally as the father?

I understand the paternity test itself is legal in the eyes of the court but I understood he still does not have legal standing as the child's father. I understood he would have to file a court case to be declared the legal father if the mother doesn't declare him the father legally herself. 

I'm not contradicting you, I legit am not sure how the law works in the UK. 

 

43 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Yeah , I don’t know either. Here in Canada a father goes on the birth certificate married or not and is the legal father once on that certificate. It is filled out at the hospital and the hospital mails out all the forms. 

A great idea but alas I dont think they would be able to give me any info until I’m Officially father on BC. We have to go to a registry office here in uk to register birth, I think they only do hospital ones if child is about to pass away sadly.

Again, not a biggy with this but just another mind boggling thing, she has removed me off Facebook this evening I noticed. No idea why, I dont really use Facebook and haven’t posted anything for months. Just odd why she’s gone full on angry with me like this 

[boltnrun]

She might think you or your mom might copy pics of the baby and post them on your own profile pages. 

Interesting how she seems to be backtracking on allowing you to have a relationship with your child. 

I would presume you'll have to end up going to court. 

[Seraphim]

I think you need to get a lawyer immediately.