ONS Pregnancy - Paternity results are in. Update

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

This guy could be there for a day and could be there for a few years or even forever. OP shouldnt be dependent on something like that. But to lead his own life. Him orbiting wont help him get the girl and would stagnate his own growth. If it happens in the future that they connect again, sure. But other than coparenting a kid, this is not something he should even entertain at least for now. 

I just had a chance to catch up with this thread and @RKO's first thread, both in their entirety and I agree with @Kwothe28.  His entire post but especially what is quoted above and the bolded.

"Orbiting" a woman and/or being her "white knight" showing her you are the "better man" never works out well for the man in my experience and opinion.  It's essentially "trying too hard to please" which reflects a bit of desperation which tends to be more of a turn off versus a turn on. 

@RKOshe's in a committed relationship and in love with another man.  As such, best to live your life including dating other woman and continue to co-parent and be the best dad to your kid you can be.  That's it, again my opinion..

I am curious how such feelings "came to be" given how you felt about her initially?  I mean it really sounded like you utterly despised her and had very little trust and respect for her at all.   And also because she has never reciprocated your feelings and is in fact in love with another man.

I think there may be a bit of context missing about what brought you to this place of feeling like you're "in love" with her now.

Can you clarify?   Was it observing her behavior with your child?  For example, is she nurturing, caring?  Is she breast feeding and if so have you ever observed her breast feeding?

I am not saying those are the reasons, I am simply seeking understanding because again given how you felt about her initially, the animosity etc, it's quite a switch.

That said, congrats!!   It sounds like you are and will continue to be a great dad!!  Enjoy your relationship and wish you and your son all the best!!!  💛

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

On 6/10/2024 at 6:39 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

Can you clarify?   Was it observing her behavior with your child?  For example, is she nurturing, caring?  Is she breast feeding and if so have you ever observed her breast feeding?

I'd be shocked if this had any relevance. For sure I think seeing a mother nurse her child can bring out enhanced feelings of tenderness just like seeing your spouse/partner hold/rock/soothe/cuddle/feed strained peas your child 😉 trigger those feelings but I think it's extremely rare for a person who didn't have loving/romantic feelings to be turned on by seeing her naked breasts or the suggestion of it (many women cover up) and having that trigger passion/romance/

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd be shocked if this had any relevance. For sure I think seeing a mother nurse her child can bring out enhanced feelings of tenderness just like seeing your spouse/partner hold/rock/soothe/cuddle/feed strained peas your child 😉 trigger those feelings but I think it's extremely rare for a person who didn't have loving/romantic feelings to be turned on by seeing her naked breasts or the suggestion of it (many women cover up) and having that trigger passion/romance/

I don't disagree Bat, I was just asking.  It could be anything, I was simply tossing it out as the OP literally gave us nothing to go on. 

On 6/10/2024 at 3:39 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

I am not saying those are the reasons, I am simply seeking understanding because again given how you felt about her initially, the animosity etc, it's quite a switch.

 He has yet to respond, hopefully he will or will give us an update!  😃

[lostandhurt]

It is so good to see you and your son doing so well. Wow how far you have come in such a short time really.  Kids will do that to you...

 The problem with carrying a torch for someone is that you usually get burned.  The best way to get over this (she has a bf so off limits) is to get out there and meet new people.  I would bet there are more than a few single moms out there that would think you are a pretty solid guy and a great father.

 Are there any single parent activities in your area? 

I feel like it would be best for you to see what is out there before you decide to sit and wait for her to see what a great guy you are.

Lost

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'd be shocked if this had any relevance. For sure I think seeing a mother nurse her child can bring out enhanced feelings of tenderness just like seeing your spouse/partner hold/rock/soothe/cuddle/feed strained peas your child 😉 trigger those feelings but I think it's extremely rare for a person who didn't have loving/romantic feelings to be turned on by seeing her naked breasts or the suggestion of it (many women cover up) and having that trigger passion/romance/

Speaking as woman who burned all the photos of myself and my hubs (yes, I totally sounds nuts, and have done nutty things) when we dated briefly in our teens.  We've known each other for 30 years!! (did the math yesterday), and lots do happen. Love can and does grow from friendships. 

There truly was something my hubs did say one day when we started hanging out as friends again that made me look at him differently, and not in a I'm attracted to him way; it was I could picture a future with him way.

Play it cool.  And, I mean, hang out.  Really get to know each other as friends who spend time together.  If you are only motivated by whether or not you get to date her or bed her again, maybe you don't actually love her.  You just only want her when you can't have her. 

You were mean to her, dude.  The only way to get out of that is to be kind.  If you don't want to do the work, and think all good things should come easily, you will just find yourself back in the same situation that brought you here to enotalone in the first place with someone else.

True intimacy isn't created from magic spells.  It's from being there and being present with them.

[Batya33]

Just me personally I don't know if I could get past the father of my child not having wanted the baby, etc as happened here (even if it was from a ONS) - yes I know she refused the DNA etc but sometimes the emotional impact when it comes to being pregnant/giving birth etc outweighs the logical/ok I get why he had to do that -thing.  All hypothetical as it would have never really happened to me in that scenario.

[RKO]

my 16 month old son is in hospital after having major surgery. Myself and his mum have split spending time with him, her more than him whilst he’s been in, I have a hotel here for the stay.

today she has said she feels she wants more time with him and said I should think about going home and just visit for an hour or 2 per day. Said that she wants to spend time with him and she has family visiting over the weekend.

Her mother is also with her and the pair of them are thick as thieves.

 

This evening she said she was having an early night and putting him down early and said I could go to hotel, this was ok, he was settled after a long day.

however I then bumped into her and her boyfriend in a takeaway, I asked who was with my son and she said her mother. The pair of them were red as bettroot.

I don’t know how to tackle this, I don’t want to cause aggro but I’m really angry about how she’s behaving, almost like what she wants is paramount and that I have no feelings for our son.

coparenting has actually been ok with her up to now, no massive drama but I’m so cross she’s dictating when I can see my boy in hospital and by looks of it letting her boyfriend come and see him.

[Coily]

Firstly really hoping for the best for your son in all of this; he needs his dad.

This is one heck of a pickle. So before all the nattering about dad vs moms starts, I think it's good that you are there for your son above all else.

Moments like this are a test of where do you put the emphasis, on being upset with her (rightfully so) or trying to figure out how to see your son in a way that is balanced for him. The later will be a bit of a bitter pill, but it keeps you from getting shut out.

As angry as i would be, part of me would ask if there is anything you can do for YOUR son in that moment. It puts her in a position where she can't just waive away your concern by thinking you are just angry. I would further make sure her mother has your number, and when in moments like this shooter the grandmother a text "Hey saw X, she said you're watching my son, does he need anything." It keeps your facade as a team player.

It sucks, but with as crappy as most legal systems are to dads these days; all you can do is keep up subtle pressure to keep seeing your son. Making it known you aren't blind to this crap; but you care more about your son than all this game playing.

[DarkCh0c0]

28 minutes ago, RKO said:

coparenting has actually been ok with her up to now, no massive drama but I’m so cross she’s dictating when I can see my boy in hospital and by looks of it letting her boyfriend come and see him.

I don't know how things work when you are not married, but any chance you can get legal support to set visitation/custody?

I like @Coily 's advice otherwise. Well said.

[RKO]

1 minute ago, Coily said:

Firstly really hoping for the best for your son in all of this; he needs his dad.

This is one heck of a pickle. So before all the nattering about dad vs moms starts, I think it's good that you are there for your son above all else.

Moments like this are a test of where do you put the emphasis, on being upset with her (rightfully so) or trying to figure out how to see your son in a way that is balanced for him. The later will be a bit of a bitter pill, but it keeps you from getting shut out.

As angry as i would be, part of me would ask if there is anything you can do for YOUR son in that moment. It puts her in a position where she can't just waive away your concern by thinking you are just angry. I would further make sure her mother has your number, and when in moments like this shooter the grandmother a text "Hey saw X, she said you're watching my son, does he need anything." It keeps your facade as a team player.

It sucks, but with as crappy as most legal systems are to dads these days; all you can do is keep up subtle pressure to keep seeing your son. Making it known you aren't blind to this crap; but you care more about your son than all this game playing.

Thanks coily, I made a point of telling her to let me know how he is when she got back, nearly 3 hours later nothing at all.

just really feels like I’m being forced out, he gave his first smile today since being in and it was to me, I think that put her in a mood as childish as it seems.

Not quite sure how much longer I can bite my tongue but you are right my son comes first and I don’t want him picking up bad vibes whilst I’m here 

Thank you for wellwishes too

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I don't know how things work when you are not married, but any chance you can get legal support to set visitation/custody?

I like @Coily 's advice otherwise. Well said.

I see him every week without fail so there’s no worry there, it’s just at the minute he’s in hospital. I don’t really want to rock up with a lawyer or legal notes at the minute 

[Seraphim]

I am sorry you being treated that way. It is about your son ultimately so I would just keep it about him . I know you expressed interest in her but evidently she isn’t interested in the same way. You are a good dad. Keep it about that . 

[DarkCh0c0]

3 minutes ago, RKO said:

I see him every week without fail so there’s no worry there, it’s just at the minute he’s in hospital. I don’t really want to rock up with a lawyer or legal notes at the minute 

Gotcha. You're a good father. You will rise above this lady's attitude and be there for him no matter what. If anything, I think your son will grow to be happy to have you in his life as you provide him with a good emotional balance. 

[RKO]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am sorry you being treated that way. It is about your son ultimately so I would just keep it about him . I know you expressed interest in her but evidently she isn’t interested in the same way. You are a good dad. Keep it about that . 

I never told her, tbh I felt like I was being caught in the moment and if son wasn’t about I wouldn’t have felt like that towards her so left it.

incidents like today make me realise I made the correct choice 

[Coily]

47 minutes ago, RKO said:

I see him every week without fail so there’s no worry there, it’s just at the minute he’s in hospital. I don’t really want to rock up with a lawyer or legal notes at the minute 

Good man.

[Tinydance]

Well personally I don't think that you should only see him in hospital during the set times she's giving you and no other time. I understand that he has other family too who are her side of the family. Sometimes it's not good to have too many people in the hospital room at the same time, especially if the room is shared with another child (ren).

I think you need to just say that you're worried about your son just as much as she is and you have just as much right to see him. Maybe say you'll be coming every day to see him but if other family arrive then you'll go for a walk, hospital cafe or back to the hotel. Then you'll come back again later when there's not as many people there. I mean while her mother is the grandmother, why does she get more visitation rights than you who is actually his Dad?

[RKO]

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well personally I don't think that you should only see him in hospital during the set times she's giving you and no other time. I understand that he has other family too who are her side of the family. Sometimes it's not good to have too many people in the hospital room at the same time, especially if the room is shared with another child (ren).

I think you need to just say that you're worried about your son just as much as she is and you have just as much right to see him. Maybe say you'll be coming every day to see him but if other family arrive then you'll go for a walk, hospital cafe or back to the hotel. Then you'll come back again later when there's not as many people there. I mean while her mother is the grandmother, why does she get more visitation rights than you who is actually his Dad?

I know, this is what gets me, for whatever reason it seems like she only thinks of herself and only she cares for him.

It’s just the lies too that she wanted to spend the evening with him and then I see her out with her boyfriend.

I just can’t fathom how she would leave him after such a rough day he had yesterday 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, RKO said:

I know, this is what gets me, for whatever reason it seems like she only thinks of herself and only she cares for him.

It’s just the lies too that she wanted to spend the evening with him and then I see her out with her boyfriend.

I just can’t fathom how she would leave him after such a rough day he had yesterday 

I wish him a speedy and quick recovery! I love Seraphim's input and so glad you see now is not the time to be confrontational.  Do you have plans in place for when he is discharged as far as any extra care he will need, etc.?

[RKO]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wish him a speedy and quick recovery! I love Seraphim's input and so glad you see now is not the time to be confrontational.  Do you have plans in place for when he is discharged as far as any extra care he will need, etc.?

Thank you. We have good news he can be hopefully discharged this weekend all being well.

there shouldn’t be much extra care, providing infection is avoided 

[Seraphim]

I hope your little guy recovers quickly.