ONS Pregnancy - Paternity results are in. Update

[RKO]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Hey RKO!

All the best to you and your son!

Newborns mostly need their primary care giver, normally the Mum, especially if she is breastfeeding, nearly 24/7 - so I do get where she is coming from regarding y'know, keeping the visiting times realistic and not too long. But, then again, if she has a rotating wheel of friends and family coming over, she should definitely prioritise your visits over others, of course! 

I'd try get something in writing, some kind of basic schedule that fits around his naps and medical needs, and keep it realistic and suited to her times and your work schedule. 

By the way, on a different note - if members here have sent you horrible messages, or, my God, death threats(!!!!) private messages are watched by admin, and I would really suggest forwarding those messages onto admin. It's so bad this happened to you, and I don't think people who do that should be on here, ironically giving advice?! Seems completely hypocritical and as you say, people who come here are often in vulnerable, upsetting and testing situations - it's totally unacceptable to get those messages. I'd really push admin on this. It could help future people coming here for advice to not have to be faced with nasty stuff.

All the best RKO, keep it up!

Best of luck for your little guys surgery! Seek second and third medical opinions where you can!

x

Thank you, I did mention to admin but got an abrupt response which ended up with me being suspended. You can go through my initial thread and workout who sent them.

Thanks for your well wishes 

[RKO]

Hi all, just another update.

I had my baby boy for a full whole day and overnight this weekend. It was magical and it went so well, he's definitely starting to recognise me when he sees me now, when picking him up from baby mothers he gave me a huge smile, in the morning when he woke up I was greated with the biggest smile yet, it's the best feeling. Also quite smugly when his mum picked him up he didn't acknowledge her and started crying when she picked him up to leave. I say smugly, more reassuring for me that hes happy with me.

Also mine and her relationship still has its moments, I found out she was doing a fundraiser for the hospital that saved his life and on the justgiving it's all about them, I was annoyed but bit my tongue, contributed to it and also have my boy the weekend she's doing it so swings and roundabouts.

It was her birthday yesterday so I got a card and small gift off our boy for her, she was very touched by this and said it meant a lot, also at the same time she handed me a father's Day card as unfortunately they are away on holiday for a week so won't see him then. However it was a nice touch from her as I was not expecting anything.

Some small progress I hope. Just these next 2 weeks away from him now whilst they are on holiday will hurt but I have him again for a day and overnight when they are back.

[Seraphim]

I am glad you got to spend time with your son. 
I am not sure why you are irritated she is doing a fundraiser for a hospital that helped your son survive ? Is it irritation she didn’t tell you? If that is the case you aren’t “ together” you are co parenting your child . 

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am glad you got to spend time with your son. 
I am not sure why you are irritated she is doing a fundraiser for a hospital that helped your son survive ? Is it irritation she didn’t tell you? If that is the case you aren’t “ together” you are co parenting your child . 

Yes irritation she didn't tell me or like to see if I wanted to be involved.

Your point about not being together is true but this is about our child 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

Yes irritation she didn't tell me or like to see if I wanted to be involved.

Your point about not being together is true but this is about our child 

The thing is though you both won’t always be involved in everything to do with your child over time . That is the pitfall of co parenting. That is just the facts of it . 

[RKO]

13 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

The thing is though you both won’t always be involved in everything to do with your child over time . That is the pitfall of co parenting. That is just the facts of it . 

Sure but this is a tad different, it's about a hospital that saved our son's life, and to find out 4 days later by seeing someone post a link on social media is poor.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, RKO said:

Sure but this is a tad different, it's about a hospital that saved our son's life, and to find out 4 days later by seeing someone post a link on social media is poor.

That may be, BUT, as I said you guys are not a couple , never were a couple so she isn’t used to thinking of considering you. Maybe you would be better in that regard to consider her feelings. However, this is to in a way pay back an institution for care given , it doesn’t directly impact your son or his health. He would be given the services no matter if she did a fundraiser or not. So your son isn’t directly impacted she didn’t feel the need to clear it with you or even mention it . 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, RKO said:

Sure but this is a tad different, it's about a hospital that saved our son's life, and to find out 4 days later by seeing someone post a link on social media is poor.

You’re a grown adult and capable of tuning into the events and fundraisers of the hospital if you’re interested enough. Use the Internet and sign up for their notices or view their calendar or volunteer there or make a private donation in your own name.

Your baby’s mother is not your parent, so step up, Dad, and avoid judging her from the cheap seats. You’ll be much happier if you can nip that now.

Head high, and enjoy!

[RKO]

Hi all, I know I said I wouldnt come here for advice again but today I’m really struggling

tonight I dropped him off as normal and then about 5 mins later got a text saying “just to let you know I’m with someone now”

My heart sunk and I feel floored, I am not interested In her in the slightest and expected this at some point but not when he’s 4 months old.

 

The thought of another man spending more time with my boy is killing me, the thought of my son thinking this guy is his dad, the thought this man is likely to be there for his 1st words, 1st steps etc. I just dont know how to process this info, I feel like I’ve lost my son.

 

she said it’s been going on a long time so I should be reassured that we have bonded and not to worry but I can’t help it 

[Batya33]

That is hard. If he is a good person then - hopefully- in time you’ll see it’s good for your son to have a shot at a stable two parent family. Remains to be seen of course if he is that person but given how young your son is this sort of stability could be a good thing for him. I’m sorry you’re hurting. 

My sister babysat to make extra money when she was a mom of young kids. A few times she saw the first steps. But when the mom came to pick up she didn’t say anything and when the baby would take a step at pick up time they’d both exclaim as if it were the first. Also you’re likely to miss milestones anyway under the circumstances- it happens- and I wouldn’t worry if “he” saw them first. 
I really do think you’ll feel better with time
 

[RKO]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That is hard. If he is a good person then - hopefully- in time you’ll see it’s good for your son to have a shot at a stable two parent family. Remains to be seen of course if he is that person but given how young your son is this sort of stability could be a good thing for him. I’m sorry you’re hurting. 

My sister babysat to make extra money when she was a mom of young kids. A few times she saw the first steps. But when the mom came to pick up she didn’t say anything and when the baby would take a step at pick up time they’d both exclaim as if it were the first. Also you’re likely to miss milestones anyway under the circumstances- it happens- and I wouldn’t worry if “he” saw them first. 
I really do think you’ll feel better with time
 

That’s true the last paragraph and she says he’s lovely around him, i mean she wouldn’t say anything else really?
 

Just worried that he won’t realise I’m his dad and bond with this male figure more.

Also never had doubts she was a good mum but now I’m thinking otherwise, like how has she found time to date and get to the point of a relationship with a 4 month old baby and one that has been under specialist care…

[Batya33]

49 minutes ago, RKO said:

That’s true the last paragraph and she says he’s lovely around him, i mean she wouldn’t say anything else really?
 

Just worried that he won’t realise I’m his dad and bond with this male figure more.

Also never had doubts she was a good mum but now I’m thinking otherwise, like how has she found time to date and get to the point of a relationship with a 4 month old baby and one that has been under specialist care…

You'd be surprised what people find time for when they're interested in getting to know another person.  Maybe she dated him in the past? This man won't affect that at this point -anymore than that's a risk -your child not knowing you -because you don't live with the mom.  

[Seraphim]

Your child is going to know you are his dad. I had two step fathers still knew who my dad was such as he was . 

[Seraphim]

She has a right to have a partner just as you do. Questioning if she is a good mother because she has a partner is not a good look. People can be good parents to special needs kids and have partners . 

[Batya33]

Yes the child will know you are his dad.  How much he knows you will depend on how often you see him and in what context, etc.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, RKO said:

Hi all, I know I said I wouldnt come here for advice again but today I’m really struggling

tonight I dropped him off as normal and then about 5 mins later got a text saying “just to let you know I’m with someone now”

My heart sunk and I feel floored

Why would you not come here as often as you wish? You’re using this forum for it’s intended purpose, and you are welcome to do so.

 I can appreciate that your emotions about this are what they are, and my best suggestion would be to challenge yourself as often as possible with questions about how you can feel better.

In other words, recognize that you own the ability to coach yourself into finding some positive spins, or you can sink yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of—it’s your private choice.

Whenever I can’t see my way to a better outlook, I tell myself that I’m flying on instruments until I can see clearly again. I take regular checks to make sure that I’m not clinging to pain that won’t serve me by talking myself into the wrong direction.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, RKO said:

The thought of another man spending more time with my boy is killing me

You do know that most men are not really interested in being a father to somebody else kid? Hence why single moms are not really a hot commodity on a dating market and lots of them have troubles in dating. She found somebody. That somebody maybe wont stick up that long or maybe isnt even interested in being stepdad. In short, you are maybe worrying about nothing. Until their relationship becomes bigger you dont have to worry yourself with stuff like that.

[RKO]

37 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You do know that most men are not really interested in being a father to somebody else kid? Hence why single moms are not really a hot commodity on a dating market and lots of them have troubles in dating. She found somebody. That somebody maybe wont stick up that long or maybe isnt even interested in being stepdad. In short, you are maybe worrying about nothing. Until their relationship becomes bigger you dont have to worry yourself with stuff like that.

Yes this is true tbh and she said it’s been going on a while and if she hadn’t have mentioned anything then I wouldn’t have had a clue as the bond with my son is there clear as day.

[RKO]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes the child will know you are his dad.  How much he knows you will depend on how often you see him and in what context, etc.

Well I’m seeing him every week, he’s having sleepovers, I’m spending good quality time with him so hoping this is enough

[RKO]

9 hours ago, Seraphim said:

She has a right to have a partner just as you do. Questioning if she is a good mother because she has a partner is not a good look. People can be good parents to special needs kids and have partners . 

Of course she does, and I wish her well, I just genuinely don’t know where she’s had the time to do it that’s all with a 4 month old baby that needs a lot more care than the average 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

Of course she does, and I wish her well, I just genuinely don’t know where she’s had the time to do it that’s all with a 4 month old baby that needs a lot more care than the average 

Yes so let her arrange that -maybe she has people helping her.  I am not a huge fan of "quality time" especially with an infant -

I mean sure watching an infant sleep is not time "with" the infant lol but to me with an infant/baby/toddler -there's often no way to cram in quality time - it's being with your child long long stretches of time that you bond -over nothing at all, over something, over a milestone. 

When our son was around 16 months old he'd sit on the sofa with his grandpa.  Grandpa would hold a fistful of cheerios.  Son would pry open his fingers one at a time - intense and having fun - and -find the cheerios - then cheerios would get transferred to his hand - make a fist - rinse repeat -I mean like this could go on and on -his attention span was that of a toddler and yet - he wanted to be close to his grandpa (also he oddly didn't finger feed till much later so he wouldn't eat the yummy cheerios). 

I read about these parents rushing their kids all over town -toddlers- zoo/music class/gymnastics/art lessons/ball pits/ bouncey places.  All of those have their place for sure - I did some of that - I kept my son on the go/active but I mean -wandering around the lake and stopping to look at birds/leaves/twigs -later reading the little plaques on the park benches, stopping if someone was performing music or whatever or blowing bubbles or a bride was having a photo shoot. Tons and tons of outdoor playground time. I was home full time the first seven years. My husband did the same with him when he was not working or traveling.

At 4 months he wasn't ready for a lot of that yet but we did tummy time/playmat and I talked to him/narrated and read him many books.  Played on the floor. 

It's not that complicated in that sense -but it's not really about quality time - it's about simply being there, interacting when you can -showing him the world -street signs, how it looks to throw pants from the washing machine into the dryer, how fun it is to watch things float in the bathtub, watching the Count on sesame street and going to starbucks and letting him take it all in. 

When he's a bit older show him the produce scale at the market and put a really huge watermelon on it (even if you're not going to buy it) and how the arrow goes woosh all the way to the right).  When he's old enough let him put stuff on the scale and experiment.  Like that -it all counts so much - don't get caught up in cramming stuff in -it's too intense that way.

Good luck and I agree don't assume this guy wants to be dad let alone try to replace you.  

[Seraphim]

3 hours ago, RKO said:

Of course she does, and I wish her well, I just genuinely don’t know where she’s had the time to do it that’s all with a 4 month old baby that needs a lot more care than the average 

Well, she has time when you have your son. Four month olds sleep A LOT . Being the parent of a special needs child is incredibly isolating and people criticize every thing you do or when you do anything for yourself like you’re not doing everything and then some for your child. I have a special needs child and someone is always there to point a finger. Don’t let it be you . Unless there is neglect or abuse supporting the woman who gave birth to your son IS the best for your son . 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, RKO said:

I just genuinely don’t know where she’s had the time to do it that’s all with a 4 month old baby that needs a lot more care than the average 

He may also be someone she's dated before, or already knew, meaning certain phases of meeting a stranger and getting to know them would already have happened. 

 

[Coily]

That's a rough bit of news, but I think with all of the changes and adaptions you've had so far you will continue to succeed and get to be there as your son grows. I can't fathom, nor it appears anyone else here how you feel about this. The thought of being replaced by this other you has to be devastating.

But you can't let that effect your mindset, because at the end of the day you are still DAD. No one can take that away from you, and you will have to keep that in mind.

From my take you need to continue to be proactive. What could that look like? First congratulate her (stupid sounding, but putting on the attitude that you're okay with things can help), and as much as it will hurt ask about the guy. You need to protect your son and his interests, and you have the right to know about the guy, but not to interfere unless abuse is happening. If she and this guy are serious, ask to be introduced at some point.

Simply you need to make sure this guy is aware that Dad is involved, and not a threat to the relationship. That's really the extent of what to consider in this situation.

On the Plus side, you could offer to have your son more, so she can spend more time with her new guy.

 

[Batya33]

I’ve also heard that sometimes custody agreements contain restrictions involving who can be an overnight guest/interact with the child etc but not sure if you two have such an agreement.