My boyfriend has got us into debt but gets angry if I get upset about it.

[Becky1108]

My partner and I have lived together since 2021. At the back end of 2021 my partner left his job as he hated his job and it made him feel really anxious, I was okay with it at the time as I thought it would be a few weeks before he looked for a new one, so I didn’t mind being a sole earner at that point, especially as we had paid 6 months upfront for the rent on our place so we just had bills to pay, which at the time were not too much, I could afford it for what it was (please bare in mind that in my previous job I didn’t earn too much, maybe like £1400 a month, and was a student at the time). Anyway, he went 5 months before getting a new job as he just got comfortable being at home all day, we had to start paying rent again a month before he got a new job, the reason he actually got that job was because we had to start paying rent again and the first month did make us pretty broke as he had also taken out a pretty big loan just before he had left his job 5 months before and the loan repayments were a few hundred every month. As our utility bills started going up it meant we had to spend more on these so most months we were just getting by as although we both earned about 3000 between us, it meant that we had to spend more on rent, bills, food, fuel for the car as these all increased in price, as well as paying for the loan repayments. My boyfriend also likes to smoke weed so he was paying for this too. I decided to make sacrifices to our expenses such as not going to meet up with friends as much if it was a plan that would cost money, not getting my nails/hair etc done because it meant we’d spend less (I know these are small things but these are the things I ENJOY doing, just bare that in mind for now), we also had to sacrifice going out for date nights, going away etc. All this time he still got to enjoy doing the thing he liked to do, smoking weed, which a lot of people will know is not a cheap habit. Throughout this time we also did have to borrow money from family as some months we would be short, I also had to take short term loans. 6 months after getting his new job, he was unfortunately let go, a week before his employment ended, we got a letter to say our rent would be increasing, as well as bills going up AGAIN. My boyfriend clearly didn’t think this was a matter of urgency as he decided he didn’t want to get another job and wanted to start a business (it was in a field where he wouldn’t really have to spend much, but it wasn’t the right time to not have that security). He didn’t exactly put the work in and it didn’t ever take off and earned him 0 money, but he still didn’t get a job and again got comfortable being at home, all while I was working every shift under the sun to earn more, whilst still sacrificing things, but he still got to sit and smoke weed, we would literally have to borrow money off his parents to pay the rent. He eventually found a job in January but didn’t start until the last week. It was really rough around Christmas as we managed to have a decent time but I was worried about money, I hated the situation we were in, so I did start to look for a higher paying job myself. We couldn’t really pay the bills in January so I had to speak with the companies and ask for a payment freeze which they did, I did also land myself a new job but unfortunately I lost a grandparent. You could say I was going through a rough time. I was juggling working my job to pay bills, grieving a loss, helping my family through it and trying to get a new job at the same time as well as looking after a house, boyfriend and pet. The whole time, if I ever got upset about the situation, my boyfriend would get angry, tell me I’m too dramatic and childish and that I’m causing him hassle and if i carry on I’ll be single. We both have started our new jobs but we owe so much money out. How can I get through to him that I’m not being difficult and I’m just expressing my feelings over his actions without him getting angry?

[CrazyWife]

Firstly, sorry for your loss with your grandparent. Hope you are getting the support you need. 

Secondly, imo your boyfriend isn't much of a boyfriend. He sounds more like a freeloader who gets angry with you for asking him to pull his weight. He chose to smoke weed while watching you struggle supporting him. You will end up in a lot of debt if this continues this way. Please seek debt advice, with or without him there. 

He threatens to leave you if you bring up the topic of money. You are his partner not his mother. He needs to realise that this is an adult relationship and that you need to work together to sort of these finances. 

In regards to the weed, as someone who is married with a previous alcohol addiction I can advise you that as long as he smokes weed and spends all your money on it then it will always come first. When I drank, my husband came third in our marriage as the bottle took priority. The only way to give priority to my husband was to stop drinking. 

He threatens to break up with you as a form of controlling behaviour as he is quite happy with the set up. Would he be happy if the situation was reversed?

[Batya33]

I would do everything you have to do to move out and live in a separate space, unmingle your money from his- if you have a joint account etc it could ruin your credit.  You're not married either so you're in an even more vulnerable financial position. Please stop supporting his lifestyle.  

Stop "expressing your feelings" -make a statement of fact.  "I am not comfortable living with you anymore.  In the next ___ month I plan to find my own place and I will take the furniture with me that I paid for or mostly paid for.  We can keep dating if you like but I plan to live in a separate place and I am no longer comfortable paying for your lifestyle.  

There's no reason to express your feelings.  He isn't listening, he doesn't care, he's got a good arrangement with you as the Sugar Mama.  Cut him off financially.  I doubt you two will remain a good dating match but there's no reason for you to be so financially tied to him and financially providing for him.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

if I ever got upset about the situation, my boyfriend would get angry, tell me I’m too dramatic and childish and that I’m causing him hassle and if i carry on I’ll be single.

I would tell him he's more than welcome to be single himself.  Then plan to move out, either into your own space or with a roommate or family.  Look how fast he'll change his tune when he figures out you mean it.

He's not going to stop spending YOUR money and he's not interested in earning and paying his fair share.  So think about how many years you want to be supporting him.  If the answer is "zero", you can make a plan.

BTW, if the rental property is leased in both of your names and you just signed a renewal you'll need to negotiate with the landlord to get yourself off of the lease.

[1a1a]

Just think how much your cost of living will go down without this dead weight. (It’s one thing to be pulling an unequal share for a short while while a partner picks themselves back up but I think you have all the information you need to know that this guy will not pick himself up for long). 
 

If you find yourself unable to walk away right now, how about instead ceasing to be the diligent one that pays the bills. Go and get your hair and nails done, go and visit your friends. Let everything crash on the ground and your freeloader can deal with the consequences for once.

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

My partner and I have lived together since 2021. At the back end of 2021 my partner left his job as he hated his job and it made him feel really anxious, I was okay with it at the time as I thought it would be a few weeks before he looked for a new one,

How long were you dating before you moved in together?  And how familiar were you with his 'habits'? Is he usually responsible with things like money?

Re: his work and leaving it due to it causing him anxiety, understandable.  One is best to leave a business where it's affecting them in a negative like that,... but, he had nothing to go to when he did this 😕 . Is usually best to quit a job when you know you've got another one lined up - or yeah, this will happen.

How is his mental health?  Is he truly 'able' to work okay?  You said he was let go of the new one...  Some people come to realize they can't do it. 😕 .  Things like one's anxiety can become overwhelming. Is this maybe why he uses weed?  Sadly, that can also cause some to become more anxious, etc,  depending on what kind you use.

And as for his 'threats'. there will be none of that!  Maybe he has a very low eq?  Some people lack empathy and have no idea what other's may be feeling.  BUT, either way, if my partner threatens me with that, yeah, I'd seriously consider actually doing so!  Is not like YOU had no stress thru all of this 😞 .  ( and sorry to hear of your loss ).

 

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't bother discussing my 'feelings' with a guy like this, I'd just be gone.

Whatever penalties I'd need to pay to break my lease, I'd consider that my tuition for the school of life. My exit from supporting this deadbeat would be my highest priority above all else.

Head high, and walk FORward.

[MissCanuck]

I would not continue this relationship. 

It's not just about him throwing a tantrum when you get (rightfully) get upset that he's a financial burden. It's also about his astonishing lack of maturity and responsibility, and poor judgment and problem-solving skills. And now look where you are. There is no way I would try to build a future with someone like this. You think it's bad now, just wait until there's a mortgage not being paid on time and kids to feed. 

He has dragged you down far enough. And you have gotten yourself into a financial mess for it. It's not worht it. Move out, and be done with him. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

, we got a letter to say our rent would be increasing, as well as bills going up AGAIN. 

Sorry this is happening. He's quite irresponsible and dragging you down.

Can you move out and stay with family until you get on your feet?

Clearly between his drug habits, irresponsibility and parasitic tendencies, this is not sustainable.

Do not renew your lease. He's destroying your credit and finances.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Just think how much your cost of living will go down without this dead weight. (It’s one thing to be pulling an unequal share for a short while while a partner picks themselves back up but I think you have all the information you need to know that this guy will not pick himself up for long). 
 

If you find yourself unable to walk away right now, how about instead ceasing to be the diligent one that pays the bills. Go and get your hair and nails done, go and visit your friends. Let everything crash on the ground and your freeloader can deal with the consequences for once.

I would not do this with rent and I would not do this if they have a joint account if his financial choices will reflect badly on her.  Also if she has stuff in the apartment the last thing she needs is electricity and/or water shut off.

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would not do this with rent and I would not do this if they have a joint account if his financial choices will reflect badly on her.  Also if she has stuff in the apartment the last thing she needs is electricity and/or water shut off.

I agree.  If your name is on the lease it will ruin your ability to rent another place if you default on the rent payments. Talk to the management company or landlord and explain the situation.  Ask to be removed from the lease or don't sign a renewal.  Alternatively, ask to be placed on a month to month rental agreement.  You'll pay a bit more in rent but it's much easier to leave if you're not tied to a lease.

[smackie9]

Omg you know you have justification to leave him. There no way you should have let him sit on his ass and do nothing but smoke weed for 5 months. He gets mad and diverts your conformations because you are easily a bloody pushover. That isn’t love, that isn’t respect, that’s him being a selfish jerk. How dare he call you childish when he’s the one being the child. Enough of being taken for granted. Pack up your stuff and move out. 

[Becky1108]

On 2/26/2023 at 4:48 AM, SooSad33 said:

How long were you dating before you moved in together?  And how familiar were you with his 'habits'? Is he usually responsible with things like money?

Re: his work and leaving it due to it causing him anxiety, understandable.  One is best to leave a business where it's affecting them in a negative like that,... but, he had nothing to go to when he did this 😕 . Is usually best to quit a job when you know you've got another one lined up - or yeah, this will happen.

How is his mental health?  Is he truly 'able' to work okay?  You said he was let go of the new one...  Some people come to realize they can't do it. 😕 .  Things like one's anxiety can become overwhelming. Is this maybe why he uses weed?  Sadly, that can also cause some to become more anxious, etc,  depending on what kind you use.

And as for his 'threats'. there will be none of that!  Maybe he has a very low eq?  Some people lack empathy and have no idea what other's may be feeling.  BUT, either way, if my partner threatens me with that, yeah, I'd seriously consider actually doing so!  Is not like YOU had no stress thru all of this 😞 .  ( and sorry to hear of your loss ).

 

We had been together for a year before we moved in together and basically lived together during lock down. I’ve always known him to be good with money generally as his family always brought him up to be that way. He started to smoke weed about 6 months into our relationship, and at first wouldn’t smoke a lot. He did start smoking more a few months before we moved out but that was due to the pressure of living with his family as they had a strained relationship at the time. He did stop a month before we moved in together (this is around the time we signed the lease as we had to wait a month to move In). I thought his intention was to give up smoking, but he started again a few months after moving in, it started as one before bed to help him sleep but when he quit his job, it got worse. 
I wouldn’t say his mental health is bad, he has good days and bad days like any normal person. He’s absolutely fine to work and he is working now. The reason he quit a job was because his boss was too pressuring and he lost the other one due to his clients not performing. He finally has a job again and is back to working now but as we owe money, we are still in debt and when I express any emotions about how I feel about this, he brings up what he is doing now and doesn’t take responsibility for landing us in this mess in the first place, I express that he won’t face facts that he allowed this to happen to us and that’s what makes him react this way. 
He doesn’t seem to have much empathy, each time we have these conversations he says I’m negative and I should be grateful at what he is doing now and makes me out to be the bad guy, he even tells his friends I am difficult but doesn’t tell them why I may be acting the way I am as he doesn’t want them to know about his flaws. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

He started to smoke weed about 6 months into our relationship, and at first wouldn’t smoke a lot. He did start smoking more a few months before we moved out but that was due to the pressure of living with his family as they had a strained relationship at the time.

Wow. No he didn't smoke more because of stress.  He chose to react to stress by turning to smoking weed.  Huge difference - are you ok with him doing this again when there is a stressful situation? Life is full of stresses.  

Once again if you want to express how upset, stressed and frustrated you are about his behaviors and the consequences -being in debt- and you want him to "admit" it's his "fault" -don't waste your breath. He has shown you he's not going to -at least not to you. 

What I would express are facts. Figure out how long you would stay if you knew he was never going to change- he's never going to take the appropriate steps to save $ (like stop spending it on weed, etc) and he's not going to see a credit counselor etc etc - and then whether that is a day, week, month -don't tell him that -go to him and state facts.  Tell him you are done living in this financial situation and tell him your personal game plan moving forward as written above. 

Accept he is never going to "empathize" and say "you're right, I'm making really bad choices financially and acting really unfairly to you/us and therefore here's my game plan and please forgive me I am going to make real changes very soon!"  That's not this guy.  Meanwhile you're at great financial risk.  Take actions and shelve the emotional outlets for now -at least not to him.  I'm sorry!

[Debsterism]

You are not married, and none of the debt he created is yours to concern yourself with. Stop paying for a grown ass man to live!!! He is acting like a pimp or something. GIRL, move out and end this madness. He is just using you. He could live in a pup tent under a bridge for all I would care. This guy is a clown and does not care about you in the least, other than what you can do for him. Please read the room and get out of this situation ASAP.

[SooSad33]

On 2/27/2023 at 2:54 PM, Becky1108 said:

He finally has a job again and is back to working now but as we owe money, we are still in debt and when I express any emotions about how I feel about this, he brings up what he is doing now and doesn’t take responsibility for landing us in this mess in the first place, I express that he won’t face facts that he allowed this to happen to us and that’s what makes him react this way. 
He doesn’t seem to have much empathy, each time we have these conversations he says I’m negative and I should be grateful at what he is doing now and makes me out to be the bad guy, he even tells his friends I am difficult but doesn’t tell them why I may be acting the way I am as he doesn’t want them to know about his flaws. 

No, debt is never easy on anyone, but it happens.

Instead of you two arguing over this all the time ( and it shouldn't be constant - as that's a huge cause for BU, resentment etc- which may be happening here, now). Can you two not work out some sort of payment plan - if you owe people money?

As for him talking to his 'friends'. People do this. It is normal to 'vent' to other's. So, may be an idea to NOT bring this up either.  The only thing YOU will be doing is causing more problems between you two. ( again, resentment).

Overall, if you two cannot 'work things out' in a reasonable manner, this will fall apart.  As, no one wants constant nagging or irritable moments, every time you are together....

Sadly, yes, money is often one big cause for arguments between a couple.

So yeah, I can see him getting angry/frustrated if this is all he's hearing out of you.  As I mentioned, the best thing to do is to try & work on a payment plan and just stop going on about this.  And leave him to talk with whomever he wants to. ( same goes for you). 

 

[Jaunty]

You often refer to his use of the reefer (sorry).   It seems like he's turned into a pothead who is fine just sitting around being high, and leaving the adulting to you.

This is not good for you, obviously.  

You've expressed yourself very clearly and given that enough effort, so the time has come for you to stop talking about the various issues and details.  Just start making a plan that will enable you to have your life on a decent financial footing regardless of his choices.   I do think you need to tell him you're doing this - but IT CANNOT BE A THREAT.  Not something you say in hopes of getting him to act different.  You really need to prepare to separate from this guy.   

I guess if you want to date him when your finances are not interconnected that would be up to you, but he is dead weight when it comes to responsibility.

[boltnrun]

I don't agree that you should take on his debts. Why should your credit be ruined just because he chose to sit at home and get high for months on end? Getting on a debt repayment plan with him means if he doesn't contribute his share they will come after YOU for the balance. 

I would separate at the very least financially. 

[Tinydance]

On 2/28/2023 at 6:54 AM, Becky1108 said:

We had been together for a year before we moved in together and basically lived together during lock down. I’ve always known him to be good with money generally as his family always brought him up to be that way. He started to smoke weed about 6 months into our relationship, and at first wouldn’t smoke a lot. He did start smoking more a few months before we moved out but that was due to the pressure of living with his family as they had a strained relationship at the time. He did stop a month before we moved in together (this is around the time we signed the lease as we had to wait a month to move In). I thought his intention was to give up smoking, but he started again a few months after moving in, it started as one before bed to help him sleep but when he quit his job, it got worse. 
I wouldn’t say his mental health is bad, he has good days and bad days like any normal person. He’s absolutely fine to work and he is working now. The reason he quit a job was because his boss was too pressuring and he lost the other one due to his clients not performing. He finally has a job again and is back to working now but as we owe money, we are still in debt and when I express any emotions about how I feel about this, he brings up what he is doing now and doesn’t take responsibility for landing us in this mess in the first place, I express that he won’t face facts that he allowed this to happen to us and that’s what makes him react this way. 
He doesn’t seem to have much empathy, each time we have these conversations he says I’m negative and I should be grateful at what he is doing now and makes me out to be the bad guy, he even tells his friends I am difficult but doesn’t tell them why I may be acting the way I am as he doesn’t want them to know about his flaws. 

Wow. You should be grateful that he has a job? Why should you be grateful that he's simply doing what most adults do, working? I really don't understand why you're still with this guy and why you tool it upon yourself to financially support him. I think you should have left him the first time around when he was refusing to look for work. I don't think you should keep giving him chances, hoping he'll change. And you actually have no idea if he would change. Even the mere fact that you said: "I thought he would stop smoking weed" tells me that you would really prefer that he didn't smoke weed. So even just based on that, he's not the right person for you. I don't think he has any intention to stop smoking weed or stop being a jerk to you and bagging you to his friends.

[TheRawTruth]

Your boyfriend is dragging you down. (Sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth.) And, unfortunately, the love you FEEL for him, and your desire to BE with him, will be what CONTINUES to drag you down. I want you to think about something for a second...

When you voiced your opinion (maybe even frustration) about the situation, he said "Keep that up and you'll be single." That's his way of saying "If you insist on holding me ACCOUNTABLE, and wanting me to be a MAN, I'll just break up with you." In other words, he's WILLING TO GIVE YOU UP for telling him how you FEEL. On the other hand, you're willing to KEEP HIM, even as HE'S the one causing you to feel this way in the FIRST place! Think about that for a second. Who do you think is more important to whom, in this relationship?

He: lays around all day, smoking weed, playing video games and other types of nothingness. Borrows money from others instead of making it himself. Allows you to be the breadwinner all by yourself then gets mad at you and threatens to dump you if you dare complain about it.

You: work extra shifts so he can avoid working at all. Put your own hobbies and interests on the backburner so that he can enjoy his. Only borrow money because HE won't carry HIS half of the weight, and are WILLING TO STAY WITH HIM during ALL of this madness.

Does this sound like a relationship that will last? Does it sound like a relationship you'll be happy in, long term? What would happen if you two had kids? How much harder would things be? REALLY THINK about these things before you just say "I love him" or bring up the times "he can be really sweet." No. This is real sh*t right here. Adult stuff. And he's not behaving like one. Ask yourself how long you're willing to put up with that, and how far you're willing to be dragged down BECAUSE of him. Mess up your credit? Get evicted? How much will you risk just so he can act like a teenager with no consequences?

[tattoobunnie]

On 2/25/2023 at 5:07 PM, Becky1108 said:

my boyfriend would get angry, tell me I’m too dramatic and childish and that I’m causing him hassle and if i carry on I’ll be single. 

I have found a great way to save money; drop the deadbeats.  He doesn't see how any of it is his fault and his problem.  This screams 100% DEADBEAT.

[Wonderstruck]

16 hours ago, TheRawTruth said:

When you voiced your opinion (maybe even frustration) about the situation, he said "Keep that up and you'll be single." That's his way of saying "If you insist on holding me ACCOUNTABLE, and wanting me to be a MAN, I'll just break up with you."

This is so perfectly phrased, I love it.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/27/2023 at 2:54 PM, Becky1108 said:

. I thought his intention was to give up smoking, but he started again a few months after moving in, it started as one before bed to help him sleep but when he quit his job, it got worse. 

Read up on: "Marijuana amotivational syndrome postulates that marijuana users are more likely than nonusers to experience apathy and passivity, which may lead to loss in productivity and aversion of goal-oriented behaviors."

He seems to have been looking for an easy parking spot so he can let someone else be responsible while he's high all the time.

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Read up on: "Marijuana amotivational syndrome postulates that marijuana users are more likely than nonusers to experience apathy and passivity, which may lead to loss in productivity and aversion of goal-oriented behaviors."

He seems to have been looking for an easy parking spot so he can let someone else be responsible while he's high all the time.

And what's ironic is HE broke up with HER because she wants him to express his emotions.  

Ten dollars says he "grudgingly" decides to graciously take her back because he doesn't want to lose his gravy train.