how do I fall in love with my girlfriend?

[genesis_69]

Hello. I hope someone can help. I'm a 45-yr-old American man. Over the past 5 years, I haven't been able to attract an American woman I like enough, so I went on a Ukrainian dating site and got to know a 38-yr-old woman I was attracted to there. About a month ago I moved her to Canada so she could escape the war and so we could get to know each other more. (It would take too long to move her to the US.) She's now deeply in love with me. I like her, but I'm not in love with her yet. No big surprise, as she's only been here for a month. I see her about 2-3 days each week. It's costing me a lot of money to support her. I pay for her rent and most other things. I can't afford to do that too much longer. I either need to work to move her to the US, or say goodbye and send her home. I WANT to fall in love with her. Is there a way I can force myself to be head over heels for her?

[Batya33]

No, romantic love cannot be forced in that way.  If there is romantic love -a spark -then it can be strengthened and maintained and revived but if you're not feeling it I'd pay for her to either return to her country or see if you can help her be able to stay without you.  Do not waste anymore of her time.  

[greendots]

Find legit legal advice. Seek a competent lawyer and find out if there's a way that she could stay in Canada or the US legally. Maybe she has some skills that either of those nations desperately need. I don't wish it upon anyone to live in a country torn by war.

You cannot force love.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

How do you suppose to fall in love on command? You need to have at least something to attract you there very much, even if its something superficial like beauty. Or even some stuff like the way she treats you. You are sorta "forced" to love your family because you cant choose family. And even that in some cases is more hate then love. You are choosing your life partner. And you should choose somebody who you love, you cant just point finger on some random woman and say "Yes, that is the woman I would love". It just doesnt go that way.

Also, I am sorry to tell you but you probably already know that well, Ukranian and Russian women are famous for swindling the people like you. You move them to US, they get visa etc. And they expect you to support them fully and they are not really subtle about that. Yours looks like one of those. So be careful.

[Andrina]

Have you ever even looked into the costs of the Visa process, that you might be financially responsible for someone for 10 years since you will sign an affidavit of support, even if there is a divorce if the person is allowed to stay in the U.S.?

Also how that person can't work or get a driver's license for a certain period of time. How they go through psychological turmoil, leaving all their friends and family.

You're choosing a very high risk way to go about finding a mate. I can't imagine you pulled out all the stops before giving up. Unless you weren't willing to date women on your level of attractiveness.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, genesis_69 said:

I like her, but I'm not in love with her yet. No big surprise, as she's only been here for a month. I see her about 2-3 days each week. It's costing me a lot of money to support her. I pay for her rent and most other things. I can't afford to do that too much longer. I either need to work to move her to the US, or say goodbye and send her home. I WANT to fall in love with her. Is there a way I can force myself to be head over heels for her?

Umm no.

Love can develop over time, as the relationship ( sometimes) deepens.  But you can't make yourself do that! That's even more pressure than normal. And I feel that the whole thing with this has put you beyond 'settled and okay'..... right?

Is a coincidence I'm watching 90 day fience, lol.  Yup, many ppl in this kind of situation. 😉 .

Okay, so she moved here a month ago .. But how long before this did you two actually become involved?

 

[Tinydance]

How long were you talking online before she moved to Canada? Did you start talking before the war in Ukraine started? I mean, it's possible that she's actually not in love with you either. She probably likes you on some level but she may actually be exaggerating how strongly she feels about you. Many people in the Ukraine have fled the country because of the war. A lot of people wanted to leave but they actually had nowhere to go because they didn't know anyone in overseas countries who could sponsor them or help them.

If you started talking to this woman since the war, there's a possibility that she really needed a way to leave the Ukraine. So she may have signed up to the dating website to find a guy who can help her do this. She might be saying she's in love with you because she knows you weren't finding a girlfriend for quite some time and she wants you to become very serious about her, since you'd think she's very serious about you. 

I think real love can take time to grow but after a month you should probably have a good idea if you have feelings for her. Would you say your feelings are strong? 

In any case, even if she is truly in love with you and you were with her, how can it work if you can't afford to financially support her? I'm guessing she's not allowed to work? 

[dias]

It is highly unlikely she is in love with you. Don't have very high expectations. However, you saved a person from the war, it’s a good deed, think of it like this. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, genesis_69 said:

 I either need to work to move her to the US, or say goodbye and send her home.

You may have to consult an attorney. It's unclear what the contract or conditions of her immigration are, but you just can't return her like you would an item to a store.

[genesis_69]

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

How long were you talking online before she moved to Canada? Did you start talking before the war in Ukraine started? I mean, it's possible that she's actually not in love with you either. She probably likes you on some level but she may actually be exaggerating how strongly she feels about you. Many people in the Ukraine have fled the country because of the war. A lot of people wanted to leave but they actually had nowhere to go because they didn't know anyone in overseas countries who could sponsor them or help them.

If you started talking to this woman since the war, there's a possibility that she really needed a way to leave the Ukraine. So she may have signed up to the dating website to find a guy who can help her do this. She might be saying she's in love with you because she knows you weren't finding a girlfriend for quite some time and she wants you to become very serious about her, since you'd think she's very serious about you. 

I think real love can take time to grow but after a month you should probably have a good idea if you have feelings for her. Would you say your feelings are strong? 

In any case, even if she is truly in love with you and you were with her, how can it work if you can't afford to financially support her? I'm guessing she's not allowed to work? 

We chatted and videocalled for a couple months before I moved her to Canada.  The war was already going on.  She didn't want to leave Ukraine.  Her daughter, who lives in UAE, had a tough time convincing her to go.  So she didn't want to escape the war.

I like her, but I don't have those butterfly feelings.  Are those feelings necessary to be in love?

I can't support her for another month or so, but I wouldn't want to keep spending lots of money after that without being in love with her.

[Batya33]

52 minutes ago, genesis_69 said:

We chatted and videocalled for a couple months before I moved her to Canada.  The war was already going on.  She didn't want to leave Ukraine.  Her daughter, who lives in UAE, had a tough time convincing her to go.  So she didn't want to escape the war.

I like her, but I don't have those butterfly feelings.  Are those feelings necessary to be in love?

I can't support her for another month or so, but I wouldn't want to keep spending lots of money after that without being in love with her.

I would end this now and do all the right things by her financially - you'll have to check into what your obligations are once you moved her to Canada.  If you have to ask strangers if your feelings for her are "enough" you have your answer.  She is not the right match for you and unfortunately you chose these significant financial risks with respect to a stranger for all purposes for a romantic relationship. Do the right and ethical thing by her so she can be free to meet someone who will want to marry her- for the right reasons.

[MissCanuck]

How did you move her to Canada? You’re an American citizen, I gather, so I’m confused about how you were able to sponsor her to go to Canada. (Im assuming you’re a sponsor since you’re paying for everything) How was she able to obtain a visa?

anyway, you can’t force yourself to fall in love. Your feelings are either there, or they’re not. Since they’re not, you need to respectfully let her go.

[smackie9]

You have only been dating for a month, how can you just be in love, especially you have to uproot yourself to see her. This is way too much too soon. helping her out is find but dude you need to be honest with her, and communicate better. If you have talked about theses things at the beginning you wouldn't be in this situation. No matter how difficult it might be it would be for the best to work something out for her. Remember honesty is the best policy. 

[Tinydance]

On 1/10/2023 at 11:07 AM, genesis_69 said:

We chatted and videocalled for a couple months before I moved her to Canada.  The war was already going on.  She didn't want to leave Ukraine.  Her daughter, who lives in UAE, had a tough time convincing her to go.  So she didn't want to escape the war.

I like her, but I don't have those butterfly feelings.  Are those feelings necessary to be in love?

I can't support her for another month or so, but I wouldn't want to keep spending lots of money after that without being in love with her.

So have you been in love before? What has your relationship experience been like? This is just my opinion but I think most of the time people don't fall in "love at first sight". And even if they think they do, that's more so lust and physical attraction that happens at first sight.

I think to actually love someone for real you do need to get to know them quite well and to build and grow that connection. I guess what sucks for you is you don't seem to think you have much time to spend on really getting to know this woman. Well, I guess you probably have the time, but you don't have the money lol

The way I see actually loving someone is that the connection is mostly emotional and intellectual. Of course physical attraction is important too because otherwise the connection wouldn't be romantic. But I think for real love there needs to be that click and spark between two people.

After two months of talking online and one month spending time in person, you should have an idea if you click with this woman. Like, if you have things in common, common interests, values, beliefs. Do you really enjoy her company? Do you miss her?

I guess the butterfly feelings are important but you might not necessarily get them straight away. With one of my ex's, I wasn't even attracted to her at first and thought she wasn't my type. Then we were friends for a few months and we just really clicked. We would spend hours talking on the phone and we had such a good connection. After really getting to know her I realised I was getting strong feelings for her because I liked her so much as a person.

I guess my advice is, if you have feelings for this woman and you also think you're compatible, you should give it a chance. I mean, you already moved her to Canada and spent quite a bit of money. You only got to see her two or three times a week for a month. So that's maybe like twelve times tops? I don't think that seeing someone only twelve times in person can really tell you if you're in love with them or not. I think it does tell you if you like them and click with them though.

Listen to your gut feelings. Like, if someone asked you if you were leaning more towards a "yes" or a "no" in regards to this woman, what would you say? 

Don't get me wrong, if you're realising you're not that into her, then no point to force yourself. I'm guessing though if you went to such trouble as to find a woman on another continent, obviously you REALLY wanted to find someone. So maybe it's better to actually give that someone a chance rather than wonder if it could have been something.

[catfeeder]

On 1/9/2023 at 7:07 PM, genesis_69 said:

I can't support her for another month or so, but I wouldn't want to keep spending lots of money after that without being in love with her.

The sooner you discuss her options for an exit plan, the better. It makes no sense to pretend that you'll continue to support her if you will not. She needs to contact her family and make a plan--so give her the time to do that.

[Betterwithout]

Sounds like a poor collision of empathy and romantic connection.  
Will not work. 
You did a nice thing bringing her to safety out of a struggling country, but this isn't a good avenue to find a partner/wife.
The financially supporting her piece is also rooted in trouble.
You are going to need to figure this all out quick.
Perhaps having her move to the UAE to be with her daughter might be a good plan.

[Cherylyn]

If you have to ask how to fall in love with her, you're not in love with her nor can anyone teach you how to fall in love with her.  Part ways now otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time.

[Batya33]

What's odd about this OP is you went all out financially and with time to bring a woman over from a foreign country in a crisis - did you really expect to fall in love with a stranger right away especially in such an unstable situation - she's not only a stranger for romantic purposes when you brought her over but so much pressure to make this work given the background and logistics - seems to me you were desperate, acting out of some assumptions about meeting people locally or at least in your own country without all these logistical hoops - and now you are realizing it was too hasty and telling yourself "well obviously I can't be with someone I'm not in love with." 

People who for example agree to an arranged marriage in their culture I am sure don't expect to fall in love right away and don't decline a match because they're not yet in love especially if they only meet the person a couple of times.  Something is not adding up as far as your perspective and mindset.

[jul-els]

You can always learn to love someone, but you have to be open to it. If you’re not open to it, then you’re not. You’ve set yourself up in a highly codependent situation. You should take the same responsibility you assumed when you moved her out of her country to tell her it isn’t working for you and to provide her a passage back home. 

[Tinydance]

I must admit I'm a bit confused what your plan was in regards to how this was going to work. If she's not allowed to work because she's not a resident or citizen, you're her only source of financial support. If you could only financially support her for a short period of time then that was probably not enough time to know if you're actually in love with her. 

If you're willing to take a risk and continue the relationship, it might not work out, but it also may work. You might end up with a girlfriend or wife. Or you might break up. I think if you send her back now though you'll just never know.