My girlfriend asked for no contact as she goes on a vacation with her family. How do I proceed?

[Mikejames0314]

We have been dating for 2 years and for the past 2 months there have been a lot of ups and downs, misunderstandings, and arguments. We both recognize what we need to do to make things better and we don't want to break up. My girlfriend is now going on a a trip with her family that I was also invited to but I couldn't go because of work. She asked that no contact for the next 4-5 days might be good and it's what she needs to move forward in this relationship. I disagree about the method but still agreed to give her the space. How do I be ok for next 4-5 days without talking to her or even texting her?

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this. 

What are the nature of the ups and downs over the past two months? Would help to understand all that a bit more in this context. And what exactly is her explanation for needing this right now? 

As for her request? If she' s saying it's what she needs, and if you believe she's coming from an authentic place of needing this for both her own health and the health of your relationship, I think what you do is pretty simple: you honor it and respect it.

I'd be thrown if my girlfriend asked for something similar, sure, but at the same time I know I'd be okay. Four or five days is not a month, not a year, but a blink in the cosmic scheme of things—and one a relationship should be able to handle. So maybe think of it in that context rather than as a blow to things?  

[Mikejames0314]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about this. 

What are the nature of the ups and downs over the past two months? Would help to understand all that a bit more in this context. And what exactly is her explanation for needing this right now? 

As for her request? If she' s saying it's what she needs, and if you believe she's coming from an authentic place of needing this for both her own health and the health of your relationship, I think what you do is pretty simple: you honor it and respect it.

I'd be thrown if my girlfriend asked for something similar, sure, but at the same time I know I'd be okay. Four or five days is not a month, not a year, but a blink in the cosmic scheme of things—and one a relationship should be able to handle. So maybe think of it in that context rather than as a blow to things?  

It was more or less about not being able to fulfill each other's love language like we used to. Things would get better but then we'd be back in a rut. This is for the past 2.5-3 months.

She is definitely coming from an authentic place. I'm sure I could've convinced her to not consider no-contact, but if it's what she needs then I'm willing to put my needs behind what's better for the relationship. I'm glad she'll be outta town and enjoying her vacay with her fam but I keep thinking that maybe few texts throughout the day wouldn't have been so bad and now I'm waiting till the weekend is over.

[smackie9]

59 minutes ago, Mikejames0314 said:

We have been dating for 2 years and for the past 2 months there have been a lot of ups and downs, misunderstandings, and arguments. We both recognize what we need to do to make things better and we don't want to break up. My girlfriend is now going on a a trip with her family that I was also invited to but I couldn't go because of work. She asked that no contact for the next 4-5 days might be good and it's what she needs to move forward in this relationship. I disagree about the method but still agreed to give her the space. How do I be ok for next 4-5 days without talking to her or even texting her?

Keep busy with your own life, go out with friends, see family, go to parties and enjoy yourself. No contact will be good for you. This will teach you some self control which I'm guessing is the lack there of is the root of your issues. To be desirable is to be less available. 

[Mikejames0314]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Keep busy with your own life, go out with friends, see family, go to parties and enjoy yourself. No contact will be good for you. This will teach you some self control which I'm guessing is the lack there of is the root of your issues. To be desirable is to be less available. 

What's crazy is that I hit up my close friends and they all happen to be busy this weekend with their s/o or family. Just bad timing 

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, Mikejames0314 said:

What's crazy is that I hit up my close friends and they all happen to be busy this weekend with their s/o or family. Just bad timing 

Co workers? Family? 

[Mikejames0314]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

Co workers? Family? 

Lol I work remotely I haven't seen my coworkers since like July. Don't have a ton/big family near where I live. I'll probably just do my daily routine (gym, work, video games etc.

[DarkCh0c0]

15 minutes ago, Mikejames0314 said:

It was more or less about not being able to fulfill each other's love language like we used to. Things would get better but then we'd be back in a rut. This is for the past 2.5-3 months

So you're incompatible...

[Mikejames0314]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So you're incompatible...

Nah I wouldn't say incompatible especially not 2 years into the relationship. It was more about both of us getting a bit lazy and putting in effort like we used to. 

[Andrina]

3 minutes ago, Mikejames0314 said:

Nah I wouldn't say incompatible especially not 2 years into the relationship. It was more about both of us getting a bit lazy and putting in effort like we used to. 

Well, there was proper communication about needs, so you both understand what makes each other happy. When a request is reasonable, and lack of effort happens for each of you, it means neither of you cares enough.

Are you both young, like under age 25?

Perhaps you're both afraid to break up since you're so used to each other and afraid to rock the boat. But maybe that's the best route if you've outgrown each other--maybe need more dating experiences.

Just throwing out something that might be happening, or maybe I'm totally wrong. Just throwing out some theories.

I'm guessing she's fearing telephone arguments that will ruin her much needed vacation. If that's a valid fear, then yes, this is very concerning. Most couples look forward to an "I miss you" phone call at least once a day if apart for vacations and business trips.

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Mikejames0314 said:

It was more about both of us getting a bit lazy and putting in effort like we used to. 

Then cutting contact for 4-5 really makes no sense. Neither does it make sense that she needs silence in order to "move forward" together. 

Anyway, it's clear she doesn't want to hear from you for a little bit. That is concerning. I would take this time to reflect if this is acceptable for you. It doesn't bode well for a future together, but know that whatever happens, you will be okay. Give youself little goals each day and take time to think. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Mikejames0314 said:

Nah I wouldn't say incompatible especially not 2 years into the relationship. It was more about both of us getting a bit lazy and putting in effort like we used to. 

I don't mean incompatible in everything. I meant you are incompatible in a certain area in which you are finding it hard to move forward. There's a clash somewhere. Most relationships hit a breaking point between 6 months and 2 years because this is when rose coloured glasses/hormones are gone and you can see the dynamic and incompatibilities for what they are.

She probably wants space and to have a good time with her fam. You're right in being supportive and not contacting her.

However, a break is usually a bad sign. See, healthy compatible couples don't need breaks that last several days. But, maybe you're both young and haven't experienced a break up before. So you're both struggling and are not sure what to do. You're trying to make this work, but you keep hitting the same wall.

Have an honest heart to heart talk when she's back and in the meanwhile take some time to process how things have been. I'm sorry. I know you don't like hearing strangers on the internet telling you it's bad news, but we've all been there. We know it's not easy. 

[Kwothe28]

Sounds to me she just wanted 4-5 days "break" so she could do whatever she wants on that vacation. Indeed not a good sign and would wonder about her alterior motives about it.

Also, 4-5 days are nothing. Do anything. Do more work, go out a bit, watch a season of TV show, play a video game. You are not conjoined twins, you should be able to pull out 4-5 days without talking to her with ease. 

[Batya33]

Give her twice the space she seems to need.  When she returns continue to give her space-let her contact you.  Let her make a plan to see you -do not be at her beck and call.  Don't overcomplicate this as about love languages.  She's been unhappy and this is a good time for her to have some space since you two already knew you'd have physical space.  Take yourself out on dates.  I know it's hard but if you want a chance at long term show her you have grit and resilience.

[lostandhurt]

You seriously have a hard time not talking to her for 5 days?  You make it sound like you are dependent on her for your security or sanity.

 Back in the day people went on vacation and sent post cards back home and everyone seemed to survive just fine without 2-3 texts throughout the day.

 I would think you would look forward to this time alone to figure yourself out so when she returns you will be in a place to dig yourself out of the rut you say you are in.  I suspect it is way worse than that since you are so insecure about her being out of contact.

  Are you afraid she will return and dump you?

Lost

Almost forgot.  You proceed by respecting her wishes.

[spinstermanquee]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Give her twice the space she seems to need.  When she returns continue to give her space-let her contact you.  Let her make a plan to see you -do not be at her beck and call

This is such good advice 🙂  Do your thing.  That old saying about "if you love something set it free, if it was meant to be it will come back to you" is also a take that you might want to explore.  It can create value.  Yes, what she wants is important.  And what you want is just as important, if not more.

Prior to my 26-year marriage, my then-not-husband went on a work trip for two months while we were not living together.  I held down his fort, watched the pooch, watered the plants, paid the bills, etc.  Yes I am ancient, it was when we had land lines and cell phones had a 12-lb battery pack (handset looked like a sawzall without the saw blade, approximately same size).  Well anyways he managed to call me at least twice per week on that nascent technology and when it wasn't available he shoveled change into a phone booth in whatever country he was in.  I felt loved and that he was 100% into me.

Now imagine it were the other way around and he weren't so into me.  OMG how would I ever have geolocated my future husband unless I were some deranged stalker?  We had no email, snail mail, and word of mouth or grapevine.  He was on a JOB so for me to complain would have been futile, he had no control over the paths of communication during his assignments.

I decided to trust him because he showed me so much trust.  I traveled most of my career and he never questioned me.  Like that Jack Nicholson movie, when someone gives you that kind of love it makes you want to be a better person.

Like so many of the pillars of this community say, and repeat, there is someone out there for you.  A bird in the hand isn't worth two in the bush in many cases.  If this does not serve you in a real, nourishing way, you could let it go without being the bad guy.  And next time, when someone asks you for "space," or if you want to ask someone for "space," you'll recognize it for what it is:  "I'm just not that into you, or you're just not that into me."  Ok, bye 🙂

@Wiseman2 has an awesome picture of Space, can you please repost it, WM2?

[Jaunty]

I can understand her request.  Sometimes a "reset" is what's needed.  Coming back together after a break in communication can help facilitate a fresh start.  

[catfeeder]

5 days is not weeks or months. It's a request to clear hear head and normalize with her family.

If you knew that giving her this space could work wonders to allow her to revisit your relationship refreshed and in good spirits, what, exactly would be your hardship with focusing on your own life for a while?

Clean out a closet, or go visit a distant friend--anything. If you want a mature adult relationship to work out, lose the dependency.

[Cherylyn]

Respect her wishes and back off.  Give her no contact for the next 5 days.  Even if you disagree, honor her request.  You will be ok by preoccupying yourself with what you need to do such as focusing on work, exercise, taking care of your household, relaxing and having a life outside your girlfriend.  Be secure and independent minded.  Don't be consumed with your girlfriend.  She wants to enjoy her vacation with her family without her nose in her phone.  Give her courtesy, time and space.  Both of you need time to concentrate and think without distractions from texting and / or talking or both.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Mikejames0314 said:

 for the past 2 months there have been a lot of ups and downs, misunderstandings, and arguments. 

What has been going on the past 2 months? Have you taken breaks before?

It sounds like you are afraid this is a precursor to breaking up. Is that the case?

Because 5 days isn't a big deal, but the 2 months of arguing doesn't bode well coupled with that.

 

All you can do is reflect and regroup. It doesn't sound like she wants to go back to the same situation.

[Capricorn3]

10 hours ago, Mikejames0314 said:

 How do I be ok for next 4-5 days without talking to her or even texting her?

Wow, 4-5 DAYS is nothing!  I thought you were going to say she'll be away with her family for 2 months or something like that, but 4-5 days?  Of course you'll be ok during those few days. I mean, you survived pretty well before you met her, right? 

Just enjoy some good old fashioned alone time - it's really good for the soul and gives both of you time to regroup etc.   Whatever you do, do not contact her - respect her wishes.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Prior to my 26-year marriage, my then-not-husband went on a work trip for two months while we were not living together.  I held down his fort, watched the pooch, watered the plants, paid the bills, etc.  Yes I am ancient, it was when we had land lines and cell phones had a 12-lb battery pack (handset looked like a sawzall without the saw blade, approximately same size).  Well anyways he managed to call me at least twice per week on that nascent technology and when it wasn't available he shoveled change into a phone booth in whatever country he was in.  I felt loved and that he was 100% into me.

In the 1950s my parents got engaged and my dad moved a 4 hour car trip away for a 4 year graduate school program.  My mom was in college.  Neither had a car.  From what my mom told me they spoke once a week by phone (my dad was a terrible phone person so I doubt those were long calls plus long distance - really expensive!) and around once a month my dad took an 8 hour train trip back to their hometown to see her for the weekend. 

One weekend she traveled to see him for a formal party at the school and stayed over at a hotel for ladies (I think the YMCA??).  In 4 years.  Oh and he wrote letters and she saved a lot of them -especially the Valentines Day cards.  Obviously the expectations were different as far as ease of communication but I know there was never an issue of her feeling his loyalty and commitment to her.  

The thing is relationships can get rut-ty - it's not a death knell -it's an ebb and flow - and the flow comes around again if both people give a darn.  She's not going MIA -she's being thoughtful in telling you what she needs and it's reasonable. Also understand -people need personal space at times that might not be the best for us -we want to chat, the person wants to chill and eat her meal slowly and quietly - or wants to have headphones in while he sweeps the floor - but overall people should make time for each other to chat, have deeper talks etc but many people are sensitive as far as the timing of all that -and timings don't always mesh -give grace, cut slack -wish her a good trip and don't even like a social media post  -disappear as she requested.  Let her miss you. 

[lostandhurt]

There is something to be said for giving your partner a chance to miss you which with today's devices is pretty rare.

  You see this as a bad thing instead of a good opportunity.

Lost