How to Encourage a Shy Girl to Open Up?

[Big-Fennel3632]

Hello again,

I am just recently out of a short term relationship with an old friend from school. So as per usual in this day and age, I ended up back on dating apps.

I got a like from this girl (20), thought she was cute so matched with her. I asked for her social media straight away to make sure she wasn't a catfish. She gave me her Instagram, then she asked if we could use Snapchat aswell, so I redownloaded it and we started chatting and have continued to do so for the last 9 days.

She is quite shy and she stated that right from the get go. Because after a few hours of chatting the first night, I asked her if, I would like to meet for coffee or a walk. She said "maybe" then explained to me she is very shy and is worried about being taken advantage of, and has also never been in a relationship. So this is her putting herself out there.

I was respectful and told her I understand, we will just keep talking online until she is comfortable and if she had any questions about me, to ask away.

Since then we have been texting everyday, some days we've had really good conversations and learned quite abit about each other, some days it just been small talk.

Yesterday on the 8th day of texting her, I asked her again if she was more comfortable now and would be up for meeting in person. Her said "Not yet, sorry" which I again respectfully said thats fine and continued on.

When I asked her what she wanted / was looking for, she said she wanted a serious relationship, not a hookup or casual fun.

Now I guess this is what I am struggling with and need some advice.

Overall she seems like a lovely person that I would like to date but..

- How long would you guys keep going if you were in my shoes? I think the messaging could get dry soon and start to feel like having a pen pal.

- Any tips on how to encourage her, make her feel more comfortable to meet up? Should I see if she wants to call instead of texting?

- Though I was shy growing up, now (25) I am much more social, so it would be way better to actually meet her get regular dates on the go, etc.

Also she isnt my only option, I have matched with a few other girls and have drinks planned with one of them in a few days from now. But these other girls I am talking to just want to date and hookup.

Where as the girl this post is about actually wants something serious, which I would be up for as I am genuinely interested in her, just need her to come out of her shell a little bit.

Any advice is appreicated.

Thanks.


 

[catfeeder]

I don't see a point in using dating apps for any other purpose than to meet people in person. I don't have an interest in anyone who hides behind a screen. You asked to meet up, she said no. I'd have told her that I understand, it was a pleasure messaging, and if she ever changes her mind, she's welcome to let me know.

And that's that. Ball in her court.

Fantasy-building online is a time waster, and plenty of catfish know how to build a social media cover and play shy to get you to open up and reveal stuff. Skip that. With millions of people in the world, I'd put the messaging to rest and start conversations with other people who DO want to meet up in person.

[SooSad33]

I was a shy girl way back then but still reacted to a boys interest/ attention. IMO, if she's really into you, she needs to 'give a little'!  You can't base anything on just chatting it up.

If she wants to carry on this way for another week, tell her, you're okay with this for ONLY a few more days.  If she doesn't want to budge, then say you're not into just chatting....  Then just be done & move on.

 

[MissCanuck]

Eh, if it's going to be this hard to even meet her, I would not hold your breath for much coming from this.

She doesn't sound ready to meet people. I get that she wants to be cautious but she also needs to understand that most guys on dating apps aren't looking for digial pen pals. 

You could try asking her for a phone call, but if she dodges this or instead wants to just keep chatting, I would wish her well but move on. 

[LootieTootie]

It's always good to state what your intentions are... So if that means for you "I don't want to keep chatting and not meeting/dating" then please directly tell her that. 

Honest/direct and open communication is the best route. Once you both communicate your intentions, you should have a better idea how much you're willing to give and how much she's willing to give and decide from there.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

- How long would you guys keep going if you were in my shoes? I think the messaging could get dry soon and start to feel like having a pen pal.

None. You already asked twice to meet. If she is not excited to do it and still claims how "she is not ready", its hardly going to ever be ready and/or she is just looking for pen pal. So, abandon all of this and focus more on other prospects.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

None. You already asked twice to meet. If she is not excited to do it and still claims how "she is not ready", its hardly going to ever be ready and/or she is just looking for pen pal. So, abandon all of this and focus more on other prospects.

Yes  this -I'd have moved on after the first maybe. Also you don't know if she is a she, how many people are communicating with you, whether she is married.

I fairly often am in contact with strangers -female- online when in one of my FB groups someone asks for advice -about concrete stuff not emotional stuff.  I respond if I also think maybe she and I could strike up a friendship -these are local women.  A week or so ago one messaged me privately and asked if we could speak by phone. I couldn't when she suggested but could some days later.

She asked me to call her since it would work better with my schedule.  I was extremely busy the day I promised but wanted to be reliable.  I then saw she gave me a number with too many digits. So I left one off- wrong number.  I messaged her to tell her this. Many hours later she profusely apologizes and says she's been ill.  We've chatted a bit but--- oddly -she never gave me her correct number.  So .... I'm done investing time in her and don't see her as a potential friend unless she reaches out, explains herself and it makes sense to me.  (i.e. maybe she really is that ill).

It's a balance -you have to know when to leave the ball in someone else's court and evaluate -if this is the first impression and already she's flaky or -if she says she is looking for a serious relationship but won't commit to meeting even for a coffee... how much of your precious time do you want to waste? I don't think this is because she is "shy" I think she likes the ease of flirting with an online chat buddy and/or she is not who she claims to be.

[Kwothe28]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes  this -I'd have moved on after the first maybe. Also you don't know if she is a she, how many people are communicating with you, whether she is married.

I dont believe she is married. However, there are a lot of women on dating apps who have no real intention to date. Whether they just want followers or they dont get any attention from men in general(which would be this case if she is trully shy). They would be happy to answer your message and continue a conversation. But not to go out on a date. So yes, “time wasters”. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont believe she is married. However, there are a lot of women on dating apps who have no real intention to date. Whether they just want followers or they dont get any attention from men in general(which would be this case if she is trully shy). They would be happy to answer your message and continue a conversation. But not to go out on a date. So yes, “time wasters”. 

Yes either way unavailable

[TeeDee]

About the only thing I can suggest is that you offer to let her bring a friend & you bring a buddy so she feels safe.  

Have you at least video chatted with her?  If not, at least do that.  If she won't even do that, give up & tell her why namely that she's a time waster.   You are only asking for a coffee in the day in a public place.  If she can't manage that, she's hopeless. 

[Big-Fennel3632]

Thanks everyone for commenting, I appreicate it. @catfeeder@SooSad33@MissCanuck@LootieTootie@Kwothe28@TeeDee

Yes you are right the ball is in her court now. If she is not up for it, there is no point continuing.

Also she is 100% not a catfish, or married. She sends me videos on Snapchat, and also has a Instagram full of photos and videos that date back years.

No I haven't yet asked her to video call or phone call, we have only texted, voice notes or some videos on Snapchat.

I'll let her know that I would like to progress things and if shes not comfortable with it, then ill wish her the best.

Just made this post to ask for advice to make sure I wasn't being to pushy towards her, never really dealt with this situation before, usually most people on dating apps agree to meet and then flake last minute. 🤣

Thanks again 🙏

[rainbowsandroses]

42 minutes ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

She sends me videos on Snapchat, and also has a Instagram full of photos and videos that date back years.

Hmmm, well she may not be a catfish but this^^ is not the behavior of a "shy" girl either.  JMO but I think it's possible and quite likely she's just your standard everyday female 'attention seeker' trolling dating sites for pen pals who has no intention of actually "meeting and/or dating."

She is most likely texting with many guys, you're just one of many on her rotation.

I think @catfeedersaid it best:

20 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don't have an interest in anyone who hides behind a screen. You asked to meet up, she said no. I'd have told her that I understand, it was a pleasure messaging, and if she ever changes her mind, she's welcome to let me know.

This is the best and frankly ONLY response after she turned down your invites to meet TWICE.  This is not someone who in interested in actually meeting and dating Big Fennel.

I mean if you enjoy simply chatting and engaging in an online interaction with no desire/intention to meet in person, then carry on.  I didn't get that impression from your posts though.

Don't be "that" guy who allows himself to be bamboozled BF.

Be smarter than that.

 

 

 

[Big-Fennel3632]

@rainbowsandroses Thanks for the advice. 🙏

She very well could be that type of attention seeking female, I guess I'll find out when she responds next.

I am also, talking to a few women at the same time aswell, so it's no big deal I guess. Plenty fish in the sea as they say.

[yogacat]

23 hours ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

When I asked her what she wanted / was looking for, she said she wanted a serious relationship, not a hookup or casual fun.

She could be BS'g you, or, she's filtering you out.

[ShySoul]

Shy is a very broad category. There are degrees and levels and not everyone who identifies as shy are shy in the same way. A shy person may have Instagram, use Snapchat, or anything else. They may simple use it in a different way then most. What is on the instagram? Is it pictures of her with loads of friends out on the town? Or is it family, cute animals, or some other thing she simple enjoys looking at? Maybe she feels compelled to have it since everyone else does. Afterall, without it you assumed she might be a scam.

Shy people go at their own pace. You can't rush them or make them be ready. All you can do is be there for them and enjoy the time you spend together, real or virtual. It hasn't even been two weeks yet. I know in the world of dating apps there is always someone else to match with and the temptation is to move on quick so you don't miss out. But becoming comfortable with a person takes time, especially to a shy person. If she is looking for sometime serious, she may be afraid of moving to quick. That fear may also cause her to go slower then usual.

What is her past relationship history? What is her background? Could something have happened in the past that is making her extra cautious? 

You are only texting? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but try a phone call. Its a tentative step that would move things along.

I met multiple women through chat/email. We then felt comfortable enough to call. Then we met in person. This took weeks or even months. And it was worth every second of the wait. The shy ones take longer to open up, but its infinitely more rewarding when they do.

You are seeing this from your perspective. To you there are plenty of fish in the sea and she is just one option. But a shy person looking for the right one needs to feel she isn't just another girl. She needs to feel you could be ready to make a commitment to her, or at least seriously be considering it. She needs you to treat this as seriously as if you were together. So, are you ready to do that? Do you like her enough to believe she is worth the extra patience and wait? If not, for her sake, don't pursue it. 

[Kwothe28]

14 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hmmm, well she may not be a catfish but this^^ is not the behavior of a "shy" girl either.

I wanted to say this. People who are trully introverted and shy, are not really into social networks in that way. People who seek attention are. Even if the pics are just their kids or pets and not them. So, its much more likely that she is just attention seeker. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I wanted to say this. People who are trully introverted and shy, are not really into social networks in that way. People who seek attention are. Even if the pics are just their kids or pets and not them. So, its much more likely that she is just attention seeker. 

Agree, the operative words being "in that way."

Of course there are varying degrees of shyness and shy people may use IG and other SM but NOT to the extent they've got tons of pics splashed all over IG and has for years. 

Logic tells me being a somewhat shy person myself and knowing and observing other shy people is they use SM modestly to share pics with close friends and family. 

It doesn't jive that she would have tons of pics splashed on SM but then not "be ready" to meet for a 30 minute coffee?

JMO of course, it just doesn't make sense. 

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

She needs to feel you could be ready to make a commitment to her, or at least seriously be considering it.

SS, I highly respect your opinions, but I have no idea where this^ comes from. 

She refuses to even meet in person for 15-30 minutes which is the very first step towards dating, relationship, commitment.  In that order.  

And frankly IMO, anyone who is seeking a commitment before even meeting has got some screws loose so even IF true, that may be a bigger red flag than not wanting to meet...

Again JMO, OP is there an update? 

 

[lostandhurt]

What would happen if you simply called her?  No asking permission, just hit the green button and see what happens.

 The thing is you have already bent way over backwards for her and have shown patience and understanding and if she is that shy she shouldn't even be on a dating app wasting others time.

 I have been in your shoes where seemingly endless texts or messages with little movement towards actually meeting has happened.  You need to realize what I did which is that you cannot "good guy" or convince them you are not a threat or out to use them.  They have to take a leap of faith but there are some that get paralyzed by the thought of meeting in person.

You have put time in on her so give it one last shot at moving it forward but also continue to chat to other women.  If she is not willing to trust you even a little to meet in public then wish her well and leave it at that.  I know it seems like a good idea to leave the door open by telling her "if you change your mind let me know" but that will have you waiting and hoping for her to do just that so it is probably best to just tell her it was nice getting to know her, wish her well but you want someone to actually meet and get to know in person.

 It is so hard to actually connect with someone you are truly interested in so I get why you want to keep trying with  her.

Lost

[ShySoul]

On 6/4/2024 at 7:27 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

Of course there are varying degrees of shyness and shy people may use IG and other SM but NOT to the extent they've got tons of pics splashed all over IG and has for years. 

Logic tells me being a somewhat shy person myself and knowing and observing other shy people is they use SM modestly to share pics with close friends and family. 

Think there are too many variables to say one way or the other. What exactly is a "ton" of pics? Say I joined in the pandemic to post something to family. Posting just once a week for them and I've got over 200 pics by now. Does that qualify as a ton?  And a lot really depends on what is the content of the pics. My introverted friend used PinInterest not to be social, but as a place to bookmark things she would useful. Maybe she's storing pictures. Maybe she uses it a form of self expression, posting things she likes as a way to say things she would normally be too shy to say? Being a screenname and not having to speak in person can mean freedom for the shy or introverted. I'm seeing several Instagram pages for INFJ (inroverted and rarest personality type) people. For them social media might be way to connect with like minded people that they don't ordinarly encounter.

Given how shy I was as a child (and still am), logic would say I wouldn't enjoy acting and getting on stage in front of people. Yet, I did.

On 6/4/2024 at 7:27 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

She refuses to even meet in person for 15-30 minutes which is the very first step towards dating, relationship, commitment.  In that order. 

Which is why I wonder what her past is. She may just enjoy the attention she's getting. Or she may have been burned badly by someone she met up with and is being overly cautious to avoid the situation again. All we know is she isn't ready yet to meet. The why behind that could be anything. My mind naturally thinks of all possible reasons and doesn't like to just latch onto something within knowing more about the actual person involved.

Regardless, think we all come to the same conclusion even if we took different ways to get there.

Bigfennel, relationships require two people on the same page and willing to meet in the middle. You and her don't seem to be lining up, for whatever reason. I hope this has changed and things are better since last week. But if it isn't, that's fine too. You will find someone more aligned with what you are looking for. And she will find someone more willing to go at her pace.

[Cherylyn]

I'd ask for a video call,  have a nice conversation with her and then ask her if she'd like to meet for coffee,  a walk or something like that.  Make her feel very safe in a public place.  She might agree to it.  Build trust and remain patient.  Or, perhaps try group settings and she might be more comfortable with that arrangement vs. 1:1.  Get creative.  You have to start somewhere.  🙂