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I’m in a relationship and honestly, I find it hard to be myself around him. I do not want to blame him, but he is aggressive with how he speaks, which makes me shut down around him. I feel that I overthink too much when I’m around him. He treats me so well however emotionally I feel he is not there for me. Whenever I express my feelings to him he would communicate not as aggressively he tells me I'm too sensitive and that is just how he communicates. I want to make our relationship better but I don’t know what to do. 

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21 minutes ago, prettybarbie said:

 I find it hard to be myself around him. I do not want to blame him, but he is aggressive with how he speaks, which makes me shut down around him. I feel that I overthink too much when I’m around him. He treats me so well however emotionally I feel he is not there for me. Whenever I express my feelings to him he would communicate not as aggressively he tells me I'm too sensitive and that is just how he communicates. I want to make our relationship better but I don’t know what to do. 

^ Whenever you find yourself walking on eggshells in a relationship, that's your cue to leave and head for the hills.  He sounds aggressive and emotionally abusive ....which usually gradually increases and gets worse.

Don't know what to do?  End it and find someone compatible with your needs.  This guy is bad news (imo).

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46 minutes ago, prettybarbie said:

I’m in a relationship and honestly, I find it hard to be myself around him. I do not want to blame him, but he is aggressive with how he speaks, which makes me shut down around him. I feel that I overthink too much when I’m around him. He treats me so well however emotionally I feel he is not there for me. Whenever I express my feelings to him he would communicate not as aggressively he tells me I'm too sensitive and that is just how he communicates. I want to make our relationship better but I don’t know what to do. Could couples therapy work for us? He honestly treats me good and shows he cares. I just want us to be able to grow together and be in a healthy relationship. But I find myself not being able to express myself or act the way I act with other people around him. 

 

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I agree with others.  He's a bad choice of a man.

He's aggressive with how he speaks?  He's very bad news and he'll never change.  He is who he is.

He tells you that you are too sensitive.  He's gaslighting you.  He deflects blame away from him and onto you by making you believe that you are the crazy one and not him.  Gaslighters change the subject so you are left feeling mentally unstable and the other person (he) won't take responsibility for his actions. 

You can't make your relationship better as long as you're with the wrong man. 

Be with a man who knows how to treat you with respect because respect is love.  There is no other way. 

I've been gaslit all my life so I can smell a gaslighter from a mile away.  ☹️

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3 hours ago, prettybarbie said:

I’m in a relationship and honestly, I find it hard to be myself around him. I do not want to blame him, but he is aggressive with how he speaks, which makes me shut down around him. I feel that I overthink too much when I’m around him. He treats me so well however emotionally I feel he is not there for me. Whenever I express my feelings to him he would communicate not as aggressively he tells me I'm too sensitive and that is just how he communicates. I want to make our relationship better but I don’t know what to do. 

This is double talk.  How can a man who speaks this way to you treat you so well ? You mean he buys you things or sends you flowers ? If someone doesn’t speak to you respectfully - or apologize and mean it if he doesn’t or is irritable etc - then that is not treating you well. 


Yes. There are people who are hypersensitive and are always looking for hidden meanings in what is said and have a chip on their shoulder.  I’ve been around people like that who have attacked me for saying something I never ever said or having hidden motives that are just bizarre.  But I don’t say “she’s over sensitive “ I simply know that that person is looking for conflict and drama where there is none.

 However if someone tells me something I did say was said in an insensitive or thoughtless way I try to see it from their perspective and apologize.

My husband and I had a miscommunication- meaning he interpreted something I wrote in an email to him in the wrong way - not emotionally- I mean literally.

So when he said something to me on the subject I got frustrated with him because it came across as uncaring.  We literally looked at my email together and realized he misunderstood what I meant by what I wrote. Therefore what he said to me was not thoughtless when we realized the mistake.  

Similarly the other night he thought I told him to shut off his favorite tv show and miss the tail end. I had not said that. He misheard me.  So he thought I was being insensitive since I know how much he loves the show and I didn’t understand why what I did say was taken the way it was. But I didn’t accuse him of being over sensitive and when I realized what he thought  I said I told him I’d never tell him to miss the tail end of his favorite show. 

In a healthy relationship people want to be close instead of right.  They have misunderstandings and miscommunications but they strive to figure out what happened, to apologize if needed (and it is if a person says A and the other person says A or the tone in which it was said hurt the person ) or realize that one person misheard the other.

Also couples then don’t repeat mistakes. They remember not to say A or if they do to say it in a respectful way that works for the other person.  

But neither person should feel like he or she is walking on eggshells either. That can happen when two people don’t have compatible senses of humor (humor. Not cutting sarcasm) or when one person is very needy and expects his partner to drop everything else to listen to something that is not urgent or time sensitive even if that person needs some space or has a work deadline. 
And any work has to be a team effort. He is telling you he doesn’t want to do better - he blames it on you as being overly sensitive.  So it’s a non starter. 

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8 hours ago, prettybarbie said:

. I want to make our relationship better but I don’t know what to do. 

How long have you been together? How old is he? Do you live together?

It's not your job to make the relationship better. It's your job to reflect on your uneasiness about it.

Individual therapy could help you explore this. You need to be able to speak to someone privately and confidentiality about how he treats you and how that makes you feel.

You won't be able to fix or change him, especially if riding roughshod over you makes him feel better at your expense.

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I'm very sorry you're going through this. You must feel conflicted/inadequate, which is why you came here. 

Healthy communication in a relationship is a must have. It's not something you work around or find excuses for.

He basically makes you feel like the bad guy whenever you want to talk about something that HE doesn't want to talk about. It's about HIM taking the conversation and blame off himself and putting it on you. It's about removing HIS accountabilities from his own actions and making you doubt your own actions and thought process. "Overthinking" is a term emotionally abusive people use on their victim so that victims stop thinking and daring to have the courage to stand up for themselves.

I absolutely agree with others that he's gaslighting you. And because you're in the middle of it, it's hard for you to see clearly. So listen to us who can help more objectively.

I recommend you plan a safe break up and go no contact. Please raise your standards for the next relationship and learn to leave at soonest sight of a red flag. Just because he has some other nice qualities about him (like most people), it doesn't mean that emotional abuse should not be a deal breaker. Emotional abuse outweighs ALL good things in a partner and justifies 100% a break up. If you do break up with him, don't discuss it with him cause he'll know what to do/say to make you doubt yourself again and stay with him.

Take care💚

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15 hours ago, prettybarbie said:

Whenever I express my feelings to him he would communicate not as aggressively he tells me I'm too sensitive and that is just how he communicates

This is incompatibility.

He's not willing to change to be softer and he is making that clear by blaming you. 

You are not able to be yourself with him or stand up to him. 

There's really no other solution. People can work anything out if both people are wiling to do this. 

Are you willing to start being yourself? You can't expect him to change when you are putting in act yourself. 

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1 hour ago, Lambert said:

This is incompatibility.

He's not willing to change to be softer and he is making that clear by blaming you. 

You are not able to be yourself with him or stand up to him. 

There's really no other solution. People can work anything out if both people are wiling to do this. 

Are you willing to start being yourself? You can't expect him to change when you are putting in act yourself. 

Agree. I don’t think it’s soft to treat a person with respect.  So it’s going from disrespectful by being overly harsh to acting in a confident respectful way. Truly confident people don’t need power over another person.  

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Everyone thinks abuse is physical violence, but there are other ways people abuse the one they are supposed to love. I know this MO. They lure you in with treating you like a queen to get you emotionally hooked, then they start to turn things on you, place blame, shut you down, tell you are too insecure, too sensitive, you are over reacting. That's control, and that's their goal. They start to manipulate with gaslighting, confusing the hell out of you. You want to keep them and to fix things, but that won't happen. This is his personality. He will keep pounding down your self-esteem to the point you give up and just accept it. That's when you feel it's too difficult to leave. Don't get to that point...get out now. 

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