Dating the Separated Man

[Jacqueline]

Where to begin? I am a 48 year old woman who is dating a 55 year old man, for the past 3 years.  Overall, we are compatible.  The big issue, he’s married/ separated.  They have been separated for 5 years and his wife actively dates.  He shares wanting to divorce but the issue is his fears what will happen financially to him.  This has caused a pause on moving in with each-other  and overall confusion what the future would be for us.  I adore him and I feel the same love back from him.  I’m at a fork on the road, what to do???? Do I wait patiently or say bye.  They have a house to sell, as well.  He has told me the housing market is preventing them from selling the house.  He says he needs the funds from the sell of the house.  

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Jacqueline said:

he big issue, he’s married/ separated.  They have been separated for 5 years and his wife actively dates.  This has caused a pause on moving in with each-other  and overall confusion what the future would be for us. 

Sorry this is happening. Do not move in with anyone who is financially and legally bound to someone else. Do they live together?

[Jacqueline]

Thank you. Yes, on separate sides of their house.  He stays over with me 5 days out of the week and two at his house.  
I have never encountered this type of issue in my life.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Jacqueline said:

He stays over with me 5 days out of the week and two at his house.  

Do not let him camp out at your place. Don't be part of his switch-hit routine. Either he is free and clear or not. But don't be a bed and breakfast for a married man. Don't enable this. Just tell him until further notice he needs to stay at his house. Is he paying rent, bills, food at your place?

[Jacqueline]

He contributes to expenses.  He shared the idea of moving in with each other as we wait for the divorce to be filed.  The wife knows about me, as well.

[DarkCh0c0]

Being separated is a deal-breaker to most people, and it sounds it's a deal-breaker to you too.

I would not proceed. Not until he's single and if I'm available by that time. You have no clue why he really won't officially divorce. All he's been telling you are excuses and not reasons to not divorce her.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Jacqueline said:

He contributes to expenses.  He shared the idea of moving in with each other as we wait for the divorce to be filed.  

Do not let him be your tenant. It's been 5 years. He is married, living with his wife and stalling with the "finances" excuse. It's not "we" waiting for divorce, it's You waiting for divorce. He is fine procrastinating, living with his wife, but camping at yours. The only way he will get his act together is if you stop letting him use you as a bed and breakfast.

[Batya33]

Separated =still married even if "just" for financial reasons.  Married people can't date so you're not dating him. You're a person he is having an affair with even if his wife accepts this.  If his priority is $ then it's not to be single and date and potentially be your partner.  That's ok but it makes him unavailable to you.  No I wouldn't wait.  No I wouldn't entangle your life with him any more and especially not sharing physical space and having any financial/lease attachments to this married person.

[waffle]

16 minutes ago, Jacqueline said:

They have a house to sell, as well.  He has told me the housing market is preventing them from selling the house.  

This man has lots of excuses (as they all do in this situation) but this one is my favorite. ^^^  If he was interested in selling the house, he would've done it in the last year when the housing market was the best it's ever been, houses selling tens of thousands over asking, etc.

This man is not getting divorced.  Why should he?  He is in an open marriage with you on the side, gets to keep "his money" and his home.

Assume you're going to be the side chick for the foreseeable future and ask yourself if you're okay with this.  Maybe you are.  Otherwise, don't date "separated" men from the outset.

[Jacqueline]

From what I have seen there is a list of reasons why he has not gotten divorced.  Fear of alimony is a big issue and transitioning his last child into college all contributing factors.  Being “a side chick”?  Not the case here.  They definitely lead two separate lives.  Thank you for your feedback everyone.  

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Jacqueline said:

The wife knows about me, as well.

Are you on friendly terms with the wife? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jacqueline said:

From what I have seen there is a list of reasons why he has not gotten divorced.  Fear of alimony is a big issue and transitioning his last child into college all contributing factors.  Being “a side chick”?  Not the case here.  They definitely lead two separate lives.  Thank you for your feedback everyone.  

They might on a practical level but they are a married couple and married people cannot date.  You will be the one leading a separate life because he knows he cannot commit to you.  If he wanted to he would not make the finances a priority in this way.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Jacqueline said:

From what I have seen there is a list of reasons why he has not gotten divorced.  Fear of alimony is a big issue and transitioning his last child into college all contributing factors.

Again, these are excuses and NOT reasons as to why he won't divorce.

He's too comfortable living with his wife, getting the wife benefits AND having gf and getting the gf benefits. He's happy to have his cake AND eat it too. He has the best of both worlds.

What does that tell you about his character? Is this the type of man you relate to? Does he meet your dating standards?

Was the fact him being "separated" not a deal breaker for you?

[waffle]

2 hours ago, Jacqueline said:

I’m at a fork on the road, what to do???? Do I wait patiently or say bye. 

Maybe I don't understand the question then.

"Wait patiently" for what?  You mentioned in a different post "waiting for divorce to be filed" as if it's something that just happens automatically at some point.  It doesn't.  I'm divorced and I can tell you with 100% certainty that in order for a divorce to happen, someone actually has to be proactive and file.  He has told you it's not going to be him because he's afraid of this and afraid of that; yes we know he has a list of reasons/excuses, we're not disputing that.  He is telling you plainly that he is not going to be the one to be proactive and make this happen because he does not want to divorce.  He doesn't want to lose his money or the equity in his house or his kid's college fund, etc etc etc.  So he's not going to file . . . you're waiting for the wife to file then?  Your "future" with him depends on his wife and what she does or doesn't do, while he sits around passively making excuses about what he "can't" do to take control of his life?  Her inaction of the past five years should tell you the likelihood of her taking control of her life as well. 🙄

Finally, read your choice of wording.  He lives with his wife, but he stays over with you.  Read that again while you're trying to convince yourself you're not the side chick.

[Batya33]

Also how are you going to feel when you're not included in his family functions? Not introduced to his children? Especially if you're living together and he gets ready for yet another family or extended family function and you're excluded (understandably -because he is married -so either he goes alone or he and his wife attend depending on which side of the family, whether his kids are involved, etc.).  

[Andrina]

If he was in intensive care, his wife and immediate family will be the only ones allowed to visit him in the hospital, unless he specifically fills out medical documents that have to be notarized.

Even if you two co-habitate for 30 years, it's his wife who will benefit from any pension he has and retirement plan annuities if he has those sorts of things.

The best way to look at things would be to realize that if you cannot be happy without a major change happening, it's not the right relationship for you. Nothing's changed in three years, so it'd be unwise to assume that change is in the midst. Once one excuse is no longer an excuse, a new excuse will surely pop up. That'd be more likely than things going the way you wish.

[Tinydance]

Wait a minute, did you say that your boyfriend actually still technically lives with his wife? You said five days a week he's at your place but the other two he lives at his house with his wife? The fact that he still lives with his wife would be a HUGE deal breaker for me.

Also personally I wouldn't be waiting for five years for my partner to get divorced because that's a very long time. I think if he was going through the divorce when you met him and then it got finalised, that's different. In this case in five years he never even started any divorce proceedings to begin with. People that actually want to divorce know that it has to happen so they don't just keep dragging it out and making all these excuses. There is probably never a "good time" to get divorced in the sense that there will always be things like lawyers' fees, splitting the property, stress, etc.

What I think is the most concerning though is that the whole time you've been with him, he's been in the house with his wife. He could have been renting somewhere else or moved into your place. I don't really understand why you've allowed this situation.

[Mammalyssa]

I waited 5 years to divorce my husband. Not for any reason other than it wasn't a big deal. I'm not planning on remarrying ever again so who cares about a piece of paper.  

I would say making sure a will is up to date is important. I'd also say living with the ex would be a deal breaker for me. 

In your situation it kind of feels like he's hanging onto something and not ready to let go. You just need to have a very open conversation about it. You can't ask or pressure someone to get a divorce for you. 

[Lambert]

7 hours ago, Jacqueline said:

He has told me the housing market is preventing them from selling the house.  He says he needs the funds from the sell of the house.  

For several months, maybe years,  during the pandemic, it was a sellers market. Sellers were getting over asking price, almost unseen because it was so hot. 

You rreally want to think about what you're seemingly blindly accepting from this guy. 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Jacqueline said:

He has told me the housing market is preventing them from selling the house.  He says he needs the funds from the sell of the house.  

Sorry, but that's pure bunk. Worldwide real estate was the hottest seller's market in history from the start of Covid through the better part of this year. Sellers have enjoyed multiple offers, far above asking price, often sight unseen, with zero contingencies, and often within same day as listed.

There was never a better time to sell a home in our lifetime.

8 hours ago, Jacqueline said:

Thank you. Yes, on separate sides of their house.  He stays over with me 5 days out of the week and two at his house.  
I have never encountered this type of issue in my life.

Okay, so he's not separated.

I promise that this isn't some moralistic finger wag, and it's also not about splitting hairs on terms. 

It's practical.

The man has things exactly as he wants them. Whatever he's been saying to pacify you has been working perfectly for him. So the only person who's suffering from this so-called problem is you.

I'd give him a gentle but firm boot. I'd tell him that I'm closing my door while we both still think highly of one another. He gets to settle his old business, or not. If he ever finds himself divorced, he can reach out, and if I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

That leaves your window open a crack even while it liberates you to find the kind of relationship you want and deserve.

Otherwise, enjoy your stagnation.

We never get any wasted time back to relive over again.

[MissCanuck]

I would never date a man who is still living with his wife, regardless of the circumstances. Period. 

But since you made a different choice, I would wake myself up and move on. 

13 hours ago, Jacqueline said:

Do I wait patiently

You've already waited patiently for 3 years, and it seems there has been zero progress towards divorce. 

You need to end this and find a man who is truly available to have a real relationship with you. This one just isn't. 

[Batya33]

I agree with the others that separated is still married but this person isn't separated.  My friend met her second husband in her 60s. Her first husband died young, tragically.  Her future husband I believe was still married (separated - not living together either) when they started dating.  His wife refused I think to sell the house -there was some financial wrangling (all kids grown and out).  Dragging on for years I think.  But when he met my friend (at their high school reunion!) and they got serious - all of a sudden he was motivated to get the ball rolling, get the divorce finalized.  They married 5 or 6 years ago- so happy.

 

[smackie9]

He's had 5 years to sell the house, he had plenty of time to sell it during the time when the market went insane. Things have tapered off but can still get good money for the property. He's afraid? what is he 12? Just a visit to a lawyer he can come up with something that won't financially kill him. You have spoiled him enough, letting him have it his own way. I say give him an ultimatum. Until he makes a decision, stop seeing him.

[lostandhurt]

So basically he is telling you that money and stuff is more important to him than you are.

Men frequently are afraid of financial ruin because of divorce but most of the time it is unfounded fears in their heads.  Has he even looked into child support? Alimony?

He is already paying for all his usual expenses and then some of yours so it would seem getting divorced would remove a mortgage payment at least.

 He expects you to just wait forever?  Till all the kids are out of college and married? Till his wife dies of old age?

Seriously?  If he doesn't have a time frame to end his past relationship then he is not really in one with you is he?  Time to step back from this so you can think clearly what you want for your life.  Tell him you want to take a break from each other for a month so you can decide if you want to continue with the relationship as is.  Don't do it to scare him into divorcing her, do it so you can decide what is best for YOU.

 Lost

[poorlittlefish]

Everyone is forgetting that this guy's wife is also actively dating other people. What's the point of staying in a dead marriage? How must her dates feel (if she tells them) about her estranged husband living with her two days a week? They're as bad as each other. 

This is a couple who are leading separate lives, but keeping each other in the background, on standby. It's not fair or right for anyone involved. Your boyfriend and his wife need to sit down and sort out their divorce, even if that means taking a financial hit. They are having their cake and eating it, with you and the wife's dates caught in the middle.