Mammalyssa

You already know its not going to work. The longer you wait the harder it is to leave, start making plans. If you want to still be in this same position in 10 years time, go for it. Somehow I don't think that's what you want.

My mother used to be like this. After she defended a paedophile that they were friends with and wouldn't support me during the court case I cut her off completely. She cried to all of my family members so they would filter it back to me. She text me, posted stuff, tried to call and I ignored all of it for 2 years. She never stopped trying, and when I finally talked to her I forced her to admit it was morally corrupt of her to show support to someone that was a paedophile, over her daughters word. Since then.... our relationship is completely different. She is cautious and polite, she is great to my children, she is respectful, she is supportive. What I did was a last resort but it was necessary and I dont regret it. It was also a good time to build my own self esteem and confidence without her tearing it down. Perhaps you should consider doing it too. But first let her know all of the reasons you won't be having contact in a letter so that she has time to really really consider her own behaviour.

Also... Melissa being an attractive woman... you're not the only man who's felt sparks with her. She would get this all the time, and because she gets it all the time it's difficult to interpret who's just friendly and who's looking for more. Speaking from experience.

I think Melissa organises group get togethers because this is the safest option. Perhaps she doesn't want to be put in a position where your wife has reason to be suspicious due to your pretty blatant interest in Melissa. The things you've described are not evidence that she feels the same. I am a friendly woman also and will engage in conversations enthusiastically, which for some reason is gauged as interest beyond friendship frequently. I'm also someone who seems to end up hearing about other people's problems, just that kind of person that garners their trust easily for some reason. So asking personal questions is not an indicator of anything at all, just that some people can meet on a more personal level during conversation. So.... I think you've got yourself all focussed on Melissa. If you took her out of the equation, if she did not exist... what would you want to do then? Because that's what you should do. Your marriage issues are not all your wife's fault. If anything I've learned, it's ALWAYS both peoples failure to make the effort to get things to work. After all this time your wife at least deserves you to make the effort. I wonder how much resentment she has toward your feelings toward Melissa, I mean you have clearly not tried to hide this from your wife. That's actually really quite heart breaking.. you're actively sabotaging your marriage... really for nothing. For a fantasy. I think everyone here has had a really good perspective on it and you need to sit down with your wife and have a very good discussion about the direction of your relationship. I can tell you this little fantasy makes leaving your wife seem easy. Leaving a marriage is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through, and should be the last thing you do after you've exhausted all avenues of trying to make it work.

Hes an elderly man, different generational expectations. I find that this generation have a lot of pride... like a lot. And their values are not open minded such as quoting "respect your elders", men are "head of the house" etc. Generalising here also but again, women tend to be of less value then men. So therefore anything you say that's not positive he's questioning your authority on "why are you speaking up.. is that your place?" And my guess is the way he is responding is to put you back in your place. My observation of this generation is that their partners usually fluff about after them, care for them and stroke their egos. If this is not for you perhaps think about moving on... he's in his 70s, he will not be changing his communication style any time soon.

From a female perspective - I have had men make eye contact with me and then dream up that we had a connection.. I can have a night out and chat intensely with someone, and I'm here enjoying the great convo with absolutely no idea that the other has intentions of more than chatting.. and when they make a move I am shocked. Once rejected they'll say but I thought we had a mutual connection/feeling. I have learned that almost any interaction.. where a man shows interest in chatting to me, it ends in me feeling disappointed that it was only because they were sexually interested. I'd like to have a chat with someone nice some time and walk away thinking what a nice person. But no. I believe men think with their penises more frequently than women. So what I'm saying is, don't make the assumption that she has the same feeling. She might like you, but it may not be in the way you're fantasizing about. Definately comes from a place of disappointment and boredom in your current relationship.

It's not abusive but it's rather arseholish and manipulative. Having been on the receiving end of that behaviour it's nice that you can admit it, but I've come to learn that words and sorry and whatever you want to say mean absolutely nothing. Changing your behaviour shows someone is truly sorry. I've also learnt that people that behave in that way do become contrite and sorry when *** hits the fan, and they gain sympathy and forgiveness in their apology and admissions before starting the entire cycle again. She does deserve better than that. These are the consequences of your actions and you'll have to consider if you EVER want to succeed at a relationship that part of you has to change. You know what I've never ever understood, having been in her shoes?? While I always always put my best in, always had the best intentions, never lowered myself to those same behaviours..... why... if you love and adore someone would you want to 'punish' them and make them feel ***? If you love them, don't you want to see them happy and in love with you?? All you achieve is to make you both miserable, and the outcome is right here where you're at right now. Yes, I'm harsh. It does come from a place of being sick of being treated like ***. Those games and manipulative bull*** behaviours are childish and unproductive.

Edited. Sorry I was late to the party glad you left and are ok.

Oh babe.. I actually know exactly what you're talking about. I lost both of my grandparents who I was very close to within a month of each other in 2020. My grandad died 4 months ago. Today I said goodbye to my 92 yr old grandmother who lives on the other side of the country knowing it'll probably be the last time I see her. I could see it in her face too, it was an unspoken and final goodbye as we hugged each other. I totally get it.. its really hard and you go through periods of wishing you'd spent more time with them and valued them more when you were younger. Grandparents are super special. But I got to know my grandparents and so did you, we were very lucky to have them in our adult lives. I know many people who never got to meet their grandparents. It's not easy now but it does get easier in time. I now fondly think of the grandparents I lost in 2020 and always talk about their memories with my family. Occasionally I still cry which is OK. I was vacuming the other day and came across a plate my nanna had hand painted, and it just really got me. I had a massive cry and then felt better about it.. gosh I love that woman! I still feel so privileged to have known them and have their influence in my life. They inspire my love of gardening and nature.

The alternative to growing older is not very appealing lolita! Lol

I disagree with a lot of what's being said here. I think if you take a break then you are both free to see and do whatever you like. I also know that a lot of people will turn to someone who's a sure thing sexually to help them turn their stress and mental anguish off for a moment. Another point of view I have is that if she had 'the best sex of her life' with this guy, then it didn't work out for them... then he was lacking the emotional satisfaction that she required. Having great sex isn't the be all and end all - we all need a lot more than that. So that being said... they had great sex, and if she needed to take her mind off things while you took a break, of course she would choose him for a romp. Hooking up with strangers is potentially dangerous and you're not guaranteed a good time. So OF COURSE she would go for the safest option. I also know from experience that sex with various people is never the same. Each person you're with is different, and if you have a great connection and great sex then this is great! It's just different from another person. I think the past should be left alone. I also think getting a paternity test at this late stage is adding fuel to the fire. You've been dad for 6 years, keep being dad.

That sequence of events is a fairly mild reason to be breaking up to be honest. And breaking up with someone you love shouldn't be the first port of call. People that have healthy relationships don't always have things smooth sailing all the time. Everyone has some insecurities, everyone has disagreements, everyone has periods of feeling like their needs were neglected, everyone makes a few mistakes. But as long as your intentions are both pure you can get through those bumps and continue on. Honestly you just need to have a big chat, apologise and own your part and let her know you regret losing her.

I changed my name from distressedmamma btw. Same person, needed a break and a fresh start.

I love getting older. Love it! I had a real struggle with self esteem and confidence in my younger years, had difficulty holding simple conversations without panicking. I didn't think I was pretty.. and when I look back I see pics and think phoar, if only I realised!!! When I turned 36 I had a little bit of a freakout that now I'm on the downhill slope to 40, that was a bit confronting. But about to turn 38 next month and honestly I love this age. I'm much more confident, I feel like society takes me seriously now and values my opinion now. I have the guts to do anything I put my mind to. I look in the mirror and I'm happy with how I look, I've taken care of myself and people tell me I look about 30 so that's winning I think. I see people I went to school with and it makes me sad... kinda havnt gone far in life or developed much. I think its really special when you can see and acknowlege how far you've come.

If you're texting her that much and apologising when you shouldn't... you're validating her behaviour. She actually needs to be told no. You don't have to answer to her. If she wants a relationship with you then she needs to pull her socks up and stop acting like you're a naughty 16 year old. The alternative is that she doesn't have a relationship with you and you cut contact. At the moment she is not responding to your multiple texts because she is watching you GROVEL and enjoying her little power trip of making you feel bad when you shouldn't feel bad! If you allow this to go on, it'll keep going on! Stand up to it.. she's your mum, she loves you (a bit too much) and she will come to realise if you turn the tables around that she can't do that if she wants to keep her daughter in her life. Personally I can't for the life of me understand how you have tolerated this behaviour for your entire adult life, that's crazy!

I agree with Coily. Your wife needed to be having the conversation with you about how do 'we' approach this together to tell them they're no longer welcome to live in 'our' home.

I had about 5 dates with a guy at one point in my life... same thing. Nothing wrong with the guy we got along great and he was a nice person. Sex was so so because of a lack of spark. And it felt awkward straight after as though we were both silently acknowledging that it wasn't that great. I did see him another time because I thought maybe it was first time nerves. But no.. that first indication was correct. We just naturally stopped seeing each other, neither of us had to say anything actually. After the last time I saw him he didn't text me, and I didn't text him. No hard feelings there just clearly wasnt a spark there.

Your pain is really palpable, yes, you have been let down. You've had people make decisions for you, you lost control of being your own decision maker. When you look at what others have, you can choose to have that at some point in your life. Life is literally what we make it to be, but that doesn't always happen until we realise we can control it. I understand the religious side, I had that too. I put a paedophile in jail too. I know that pain well. But I didn't want that to define my life. Acknowledging the pain is the only way to heal from it, and you're doing that. There is joy in life when you choose to look for it. Spending time in nature does it does it for me.

I don't think people can really advise you on how much effort to put in with family, without knowing them. I keep my own family at arms length in order to protect myself. I still love them, but we all get along better this way. I find my family to lack boundaries and overstep the mark in terms of oversharing and asking invasive personal questions, with the intention of sharing that info with others. I've also noticed that if I don't make 100% of the effort to meet up with family, then no one makes the effort. All of those small things are quite hurtful and make you feel unloved or uncared about. You just have to find what works for you. At the end of the day you only have one family. If you outright asked for help would they help you? I'm guessing the answer is yes. (Help as in I'm broken down and stuck on the side of the road, not help I need money). I still enjoy going to family functions, but by the end of it it's tiring as I've spent the whole time being careful to keep my mouth shut about myself and treading around topics when they talk about other people. Most people are consumed with thinking about themselves. They arnt necessarily nasty in not considering you.. just taken up with busy lives in general. Whatever you need to do to maintain loving them from a distance is okay. It doesn't always have to be conflict just because we're all different.

Yes that's over the top. What's wrong with looking at a hot guy? Depending on the type of selfie... personal trainers sometimes request updates ok progress. It's not necessarily anything untoward. And you're worried about her saying you're snooping... because you are snooping. Stop it. The only time I would look through my partners phone is if I outright said to him that I'm suspicious of him and would like to look at it. Yes I'd outright say that and if he refused I'd know I was right. Otherwise no, that's a no go zone. It would take a very strong suspicion for me to go there too! It would have to be worth a huge argument regarding trust, which has potential to make everything go down the toilet. You sound very jealous, and in my opinion way out of line.

By the way.... if you have the choice to either end your life or try something totally new to change the direction of your life... you really have nothing to lose. Go all out and see what happens. I would suggest to you the the art world has many colourful, thoughtful, naturalist people that have many varied experiences, and are accepting of people from all walks of life. Sometimes I challenge myself to say yes to every single opportunity and every single invite to anything at all. It starts by you making an effort to be somewhere. Opportunities create more opportunities.. and the power of saying yes to the universe manifests some great things.

Hey there, I hardly know where to start in reply to this topic but I totally get you. I'm a nurse who no longer works in nursing after 12 years of it - I totally understand your mistrust of the health system, especially in regard to the approach toward mental health. I will say though.. the fact that you're reaching out to strangers and posting on here is a good thing, there is something in you that still wants to live. The medicated world creates such a huge spiralling issue.. medications for everything these days that create altered conscious state, changes in behaviour and drug dependence. All of which just adds another problem onto an unresolved problem. And to just stop taking them? Holy moley it's hard to do!!! I can really only speak from experience when I say that when in a very dark place myself.. I couldn't get myself back out of there alone. I moved back in with my (highly religious) parents but it was either that or never come back. I had a 1 yr old at the time and a husband. But that's what had to happen. It took 3 years of living there before I was okay to move out, and that was 12 years ago now. Never had to do it again. Each time I've dipped my toe back into that dark place the only way I've gotten out of there is to give my life a purpose. I usually bite off something huge so that I can focus and really shift myself. My first goal was to get myself a career. I studied my arse off. Later in life I trekked kokoda and then Everest base camp. Each time these things gave me renewed purpose and goals. To achieve the treks I had to get fit so I started crossfit. For someone who was never social and found that environment to be horrible... it was hard but I forced myself. And that's what worked for me. You only know you the best. But if you keep on the same bicycle you will travel the same road. Try something way out there and make yourself keep going would be my advice. Someone somewhere loves you so much.. and would be devistated to lose you. Whoever that is.. reconnect with them also. Love and light from me to you xx

Guys this is the same person as the too ugly thread 100%. Mentions the same things, as in teenage relationships being easier... same structure for replies. Same "I've done everything there's nothing I could change" attitude. Go ahead if you want to trudge through another 10 pages of talking to a brick wall... 😅

This sounds awfully familiar to the thread about being too 'ugly' to get a girlfriend. Very defensive and argumentative..!

I love how you write Lolita, very eloquent and very expressive. I'm enjoying reading your take on men and your admiration for men, I find that in itself an interesting topic. I admire men for the same reasons, but then you have the side when you look at history and ask why was it only men who built the earth this way? Was it just because women didn't have the opportunity to contribute and are still fighting to have the same level of respect and to be taken seriously in male dominated industries? The people who do the planning for those big jobs, require big brains not big muscles. Modern architects have many women these days for example. But ultimately yes you are correct. Men are stronger. They can physically do the jobs that women are not strong enough to do. Whether we want to admit it or not, we need men to help us with the things we cannot do. It pains me to ever ask for help but yet I am forced to.. I'm too short to reach the top shelf of the pantry and not strong enough to undo the wheel nuts to change a tyre. We are entering interesting times where the younger generation are more than ever embracing the exploration of gender. There are more numbers than ever of trans people who are trying to live in the other world, and are struggling to be accepted in it. We are about to see everything we know about gender stereotypes be challenged and scrutinised, and men/women in sports are really going to feel what it's like to be treated as 'equal' when the physicalities of being trans STILL doesn't make that person have the same level of strength that they would have if they were born as the opposite sex. I dont know where I'm going with this. I admire women too... mother earth nurturing the needs of others. Using their instinct and intuition to guide them and understand things that they shouldn't understand. Holding space for people that arnt coping, whilst putting thier own needs last. I think we need a balance of everything and to stop fighting about who's boss. We all need each other. Unfortunately I don't think I'll see that ever.