I(26F) am not "sexually" attracted to my boyfriend(26M) Do I need to grow up?

[Dvand123]

I'll try and keep this story short, sweet and to the point.

Boyfriend and I have been together 4yrs. He strongly pursued me at first, I was never really "into him" as he was never really "my type" but as the months and weeks went on, I suppose I overlooked all of this and grew to love him and I love him immensely.

Our relationship has been hard, and I feel like during our time together as a couple, I have had to micro-manage him and "baby" him. I am his first ever relationship and he has a peculiar relationship with his mother so I often felt like either a second mother or a teacher, and on a bad day I felt like both.

I stood back and watched how he allowed other people to disrespect me, watched how "cowardly" he would act in situations of conflict, watched how he would make small white lies. We of course "over come" all these issues and our relationship has been quite settled, but I'd be lying if I said that all these problems don't linger in the back of my mind.

He's not a very good listener and I resent having conversations with him sometimes, he just looks right through me with a constant blank expression on his face. He doesn't ask questions, carry on conversation....nothing. 

He is very mentally unavailable, and when faced with conflict or any sort of strong emotional situation, he freezes and runs home to his mother. It is very jarring, I feel like a babysitter. Then he comes running back with his tail inbetween his legs. But in the meantime the damage has been done and he has done nothing to even attempt to "fix" anything. I'm a very independent and no nonsense sort of person, my partner isn't, which is fine of course however it creates huge conflict and problems between us. I have however just accepted that this is him as a person, I do not want to change him, that is not my aim; I guess I have just become accustomed to it all.

Because I was more or less in charge of our relationship for the first 2-2.5yrs and always took lead(boyfriend is very quiet, dismissive and emotionally unavailable) I began to grow resentful. Sometimes I wished he'd just speak his mind and say NO instead of letting me deal with things, or sometimes I wished he just live life on the edge every once in a while and do something spontaneous, but he was always scared and said he "didn't know how." I tried talking to him, getting him to open up about his feelings, wants and needs but he always just assured me he was "fine" so I had to take his word for it.

As of the past year, he has developed a bit more of a backbone, and has started to slightly open up in regards to his feelings, and this is great it's very great, but I feel like the damage has been done. When we argue, it's always me trying to resolve it even when he is at fault. When there's conflict(there is quite a strong level of animosity between his mum and I) he does...nothing. Just sits back, looks at me, and asks "what should i do?" It is then again, left up to me to come up with a solution yet again. Then rinse and repeat. 

1yr into our relationship an ex "fling" of his was stalking me and calling my work, it angered me. When I told him about it and asked him to do something, he looked at me for about 10 seconds before asking: "What do you want me to do? I don't even speak to her." Now I get where he was coming from, but my God just for once I wish he would have just said/done something for once. It then lead me to going on a big social media detecive spree, finding out who she was(I didn't know the girl from Adam) and confronting her in person. It got quite nasty. When I told my boyfriend, again there was no response, just...emptiness. It truly is bizarre.

Last part:

Our sex life hasn't been great for around 1.5years or so and I have put it down to a number of things. 

*Is it my Endometriosis?

*Do I just have a low libido?

*Am I just tired?

*Is it just too painful?

The list goes on. He's a man, he loves sex and I thought I did(??) I used to. But having sex is a chore, because whilst we're having sex I just think of all the times he's let me down, allowed me to be disrespected, allowed me to take charge and I don't feel comfortable "giving my self to him" if that makes sense. I know he's my longterm partner but this is just how I feel. He's extremely affectionate and I do love laying on him, resting my head on him holding hands etc, but the sex part? Absolutely not. 

He has told me recently he wants to start taking lead more, being in charge and being more authorative, which I 1000% encourage, but I think because I have been "in charge" for so long , I just can't look at him in that way? How can I take this man seriously when it was only this time last year we had an argument and he walked out and said to me, "I'm telling my mother what you said." I felt ill, almost like I was talking to a child. 

I know this sounds like a "slander my boyfriend" campaign and it's really not. He is a caring, loving, funny and intelligent man, and he has done so much for me that I could never thank him enough for. But I'd be lying if I said these past experiences don't play on my mind constantly. Do I need to just get a grip and grow up or am I right to feel how I do?Thank you

[Lambert]

dump him. 

You don't respect the guy, you're not that into him, it's been years, it'll only get worse, you're missing out on finding someone you can have a meaningful relationship with, you're wasting your time and his. 

Need I say more? 

I'm sorry. but you've let this go on long enough.  he's not changing and what started out as an ego building half decent guy is now what he always was or should have been.  An ok guy but not the one for you

[DarkCh0c0]

You weren't attracted to him in the first place, and now you have more reasons as to why. And that aside, he is a man-child. Why mother him when he's an adult? If he's not able to act like a full adult, then he's not able to be a good partner to you.

Obviously, you know in your heart and mind that you need to end this. You just need the validation and courage to do it. And, there's no "growing up" needed, but you need to put your Big Girl Pants on and do the right thing (dumping him). You laid out very well your thoughts about this and seem to be mature. In fact, seems you've outgrown him. So it's time to let go and move on to a better match. You got this!

Note: once you'll be with a better match, your sex drive will go back to normal. We need attraction to be able to able to have sex with others. It's a basic requirement.

[Kwothe28]

Same guy I pressume?

After all of that you forgave him?

You are not sexually attracted to your boyfriend because you dont respect him. How could you? He doesnt make some money and support you, doesnt have a backbone, and takes a family side instead of yours. So all that reflects to the bedroom. Hence why you do it as a "chore" instead of a fun activity of 2 people who like each other. 

Again, you shouldnt take him back in the first place as you did already broke up. And now you have the same problems all over again because of your decision. You need to break up for good and stay that way.

[JoyfulCompany]

So, you took him back again? I remember your previous topic. I don't know if and why you expect different type of responses. I can't give you different advice since the last time you wrote - it's just another aspect of the same problem. A problem that I can only see being solved with parting ways.

You answer your own questions:

19 minutes ago, Dvand123 said:

But having sex is a chore, because whilst we're having sex I just think of all the times he's let me down, allowed me to be disrespected, allowed me to take charge and I don't feel comfortable "giving my self to him" if that makes sense. I know he's my longterm partner but this is just how I feel.

And who would want to have sex under these circumstances?!
You've taken in a lot of hurt and you've built resentment. You have zero respect for him (and understandably so). I read somewhere that relationships are built on love and respect. Only love won't do. I don't understand how you can be so frustrated with this situation, yet continue allowing him to crawl back in your life. Or worse - asking him to.

As to wether you need to grow up... Why are you the one asking that question - you've played the grown-up part in that relationship for a long time. What more do you think growing up means?
So, grow up - in my opinion - no. Grow the courage to finally leave him - yes.
Maybe it makes sense to do some soul-searching as to why you fell in this dynamics in the first place.

34 minutes ago, Dvand123 said:

He has told me recently he wants to start taking lead more, being in charge and being more authorative

Was that said as a "promise" in order to get back together or is it something he came up with on his own? What's his plan for it? And how do you think it will repair the damage already done to your relationship? Not only he needs to get assertive but to learn to recognize his own emotions and speak them. Also, to learn to listen to another person and acknowledge their emotions too. A LOT of damn work. Maybe years. If he only gets assertive with zero emotional intelligence - that's arrogance.

Look, I'm not saying he's a bad person. But he's very badly brought up by his parents/mother and he's nowhere near any amount of self-reflection. And you? You're only young once. Is this how you want to continue living? What outcome are you hoping for?

[Jaunty]

Apologies in advance for being curt, but why did you even start this thread?

1) he's not your type

2) you were never "into" him

3) you "baby" him

4) he stands by while people dis you

5) he's "cowardly"

6) he lies

7) a poor listener

😎 does not carry on conversations

9) mentally / emotionally unavailable

10) extreme momma's boy

11) you and his mom have "extreme animosity"

So ... you're not into him sexually?  Why on earth would you be?  

You can't even stand him.  Time to cut the cord.

[indea08]

I think you settled, and were able to find things to love because you’re an intelligent, capable, proactive person….but the resentment has built to the point that it’s outweighing the love you found. I’m sorry, I really don’t think this guy is your life partner. At 26, I think you have a lot of potential and you need a partner who can keep up. I fear you will never find out how far you can go if you allow this guy to continue holding you back.

[DarkCh0c0]

Gosh, @Kwothe28thanks for more context!

Honey, you need to let go. You need to be and adult yourself and accept who he is: not a good man for you. Not in practice. So many women would run at the sight of such a disrespectful man-child, and so should you. 

it's time to move on and start clean and healthy with someone else. Break ups can be hard but also very freeing. 

[Batya33]

Agree with the above -you were never that attracted to him likely because you sensed the doormat part for one thing -and you're not attracted to him because of that plus you don't like him very much despite the "but I love him!".  You're settling.  Why? 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Dvand123 said:

Because I was more or less in charge of our relationship for the first 2-2.5yrs and always took lead(boyfriend is very quiet, dismissive and emotionally unavailable) I began to grow resentful. Sometimes I wished he'd just speak his mind and say NO instead of letting me deal with things, or sometimes I wished he just live life on the edge every once in a while and do something spontaneous, but he was always scared and said he "didn't know how." I tried talking to him, getting him to open up about his feelings, wants and needs but he always just assured me he was "fine" so I had to take his word for it.

Okay, so lack of communication going on and seek mom's assistance a little too much?

You two aren't meshing too well.  And you aren't so happy with him anymore. Kind of like outgrowing this relationship.

Sounds like he needs to change up & grow up some more.

 

And this....

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You weren't attracted to him in the first place, and now you have more reasons as to why.

 

Yeah, okay, so it's done now.  Admit it and move on.

[moodindigo91]

No you don't need to grow up you need to dump your lame boyfriend 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Dvand123 said:

I have put it down to a number of things. 

*Is it my Endometriosis?

*Do I just have a low libido?

*Am I just tired?

*Is it just too painful?

The list goes on.

Relationship conflict kills romance and desire, that seems to be at the top of the list.

 Is this the same man you recently referred to as "an ex"?:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/454267-is-my-ex-playing-games-or-am-i-just-stupid/#comment-5765698

 

[MissCanuck]

You really need to ask yourself what on Earth you are still doing there, OP. 

This should have ended ages ago. It's beyond time to break up for good. 

[Tinydance]

I think the main issue is that people usually don't change. He's 26, he's a grown man of nearly 30. I think unfortunately this is very "what you see is what you get". In fact you have very strong evidence of it because in four years nothing has changed.

There are actually some people who are very passive and a bit apathetic about life in general. I actually have a couple of male friends like that, especially one of them. They don't really make much effort or give much opinions and just let life happen TO them.

There are actually women who don't mind a more quiet, passive guy. For example, that passive quiet friend previously dated a very opinionated and headstrong dominant woman. She liked him a lot because I think she felt like she was the boss in the relationship and she enjoyed it. In your case though, you don't enjoy it and you don't want a boyfriend who is like this. Personally I wouldn't either.

I know you said that you're not trying to change him, but you actually are. You want him to be a very different person to who he really is. He just doesn't have the personality you want in a guy. Therefore I would say he's not the right person for you even just based on that.

He also does sound immature and like a Mummy's boy. When I read that after your argument, he left and was like: "I'm going to tell my mother". It's like, this is something a child or adolescent would do, not a 26-year-old man.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

 

There are actually women who don't mind a more quiet, passive guy. For example, that passive quiet friend previously dated a very opinionated and headstrong dominant woman. She liked him a lot because I think she felt like she was the boss in the relationship and she enjoyed it.

You really would be wise to examine why you choose to be in a relationship with a man who embodies all of these things that you don't respect or like.   You have said you "love" him but you haven't said anything positive about him and a whole heap of negative.  Still, there is absolutely something in it for you or else you would not have gotten involved in the first place, much less remained.   It's probably related to the quoted above.  I know you don't "enjoy" it, but it serves you in some way to be with such a passive person.   

I hope you think about it after you've ended this and before you get into a new relationship.   

[jul-els]

This relationship is emotionally draining you. This is the dynamic. You must decide to accept it or move on. You may feel love for him, but if you feel as though you’re feelings are being squandered, then you should step up and take charge of one last thing; that thing being the end of your relationship. You should never settle for less than you deserve. If you do, you’ll get less than what you settled for. 

[WalterSobcha]

Agree with the comments above. The lack of sexual attraction is just one thing, from your post it's clear that there are many more problems. I'm sorry, but after reading you, it really doesn't seem like this relationship is heading anywhere.

[lostandhurt]

You do need to grow up but not to feel attracted to your bf, you need to grow up and realize you are not In Love with him.  You might have been at one time but it is gone now and will not come back.

You are staying for some reason only you know.   It is safe, you are comfortable, you fear being alone and on and on.

 Do both or you a huge favor and end this dumpster fire so you can both heal and one day meet the person that is right for you.

If you care about him end this instead of lying to yourself.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

Resenting someone isn’t conducive to being aroused by them. Sounds like you’ve settled for this guy.

We never get any wasted time to relive over again. 

[boltnrun]

You posted on October 12th that you two were broken up. And that he'd packed his things and "ran back home".

So did you allow him to move back in with you and if so, why?