Is my "ex" playing games? Or am I just stupid?

[Dvand123]

I don't even know where to begin. This story is both boring and exhausting as I believe he is quite childish and I hate talking about it, but it's my reality, I live far from my friends and family so I do not have many people to speak to, just trying to make sense of it all. I am struggling:(

I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5years, we've had our major ups and downs but we have both made it work.

Throughout our relationship my boyfriend's financial situation has always brought him down. He works full time in a job he does not enjoy and makes average money. This is not a concern for me at all, I tell him I love him and am willing to support him in any situation but it is not good enough for him, he says he feels less of a man as he is not able to "treat me like he wants to" I of course try to re assure him but it hardly ever works. I think this problem has played on my boyfriend for years now but as of recent I think it has just spiralled out of control. To the point he feels "worthless" and "less of a man" (his words.)

Now let's get to the games he has been playing.

January my boyfriend and I split. I had an altercation with his family and despite them verbally attacking me, he panicked in fear and just completely shut down due to the conflict of it all. I explained to him I don't want him to pick sides but asked if he could at least support me, he said "of course you're my girl" he defended me briefly, but shortly after, he packed his things and ran home to his parents. Too much pressure = him shutting down entirely. I of course was heartbroken and devestated but I let him do his thing. He chose to go. Now 4 weeks into our "break up" he was acting very hot and very cold. Asking if he could see me as he misses me, I said yes and we arranged a day. That day comes and he says "is this a good idea?" WHAAT? We both suggested it. 
Anyway he finally comes, says we can't work it out and leaves. I feel confused and rather annoyed. What was the point?

After another 2 weeks we get back together but after MUCH push and pull on his side. (How utterly frustrating is this story? I feel tired writing it)

Fast foward to May, him and I are in a car accident with another driver (other driver's fault) and it resulted in me having a back injury and minor burns to my body. My boyfriend was fine. However due to the "guilt of the crash" and an argument him and I had had earlier that day, he packs his items and goes home. I message him the next day to explain I'm in hospital, but I'm blocked. So it does not send. I try to phone and text him but he's blocked my number as well as my Whatsapp. So I stay alone in hospital until discharge. When I finally get in-touch with him, and tell him my injuries, he cries, says he is sorry and wants me to "rest" rest?!! I ask him if he can at least...I dunno come and see me? Comfort me? He says he can't as he has no car(because of the crash) and not much money so he feels "helpless"  ??? I hung up on him and 1 month later I get a message, "I miss you and the dog." I foolishly allow him back and we're happy as pie but again after a lot of push and pull. He wants me, he doesn't, he wants me, he doesn't. URGH!!! Every time we have got back together I have initiated it. Always

Here's the last and best part(sorry I know it's long)

All through September he was miserable and I mean miserable with a capital M. He was angry, irritable, short tempered and his lack of communication that he has anyway was getting so much worse and less. I was losing my head, I sat him down on the couch and asked him why he was miserable he said "I'm not." So I had to take his word it. I asked him if he wanted to "leave" if he is unhappy? Meaning my home and our relationship and he said "no" (it's like pulling teeth) I was frustrated at this point and told him to leave. I said "I'm not telling you to leave because I no longer want to be with you. But you're miaerable and I don't know what to do." Okay he said and left. I was upset because he didn't even attempt to say anything and also we had two concerts to attend and wouldn't be able to now.  As of recent he is very low in mood and unmotivated, and has not commited to anything for months, so him agreeing to these concerts was PHENOMENAL!!! (I paid for both) he says he is unhappy all the time, when I ask why he just says, "i don't know" when I ask him if he wants to leave he just looks at me and doesn't leave but says "I don't want to be horrible." 

I came back from a girl's holiday 1 week ago, I was determined to not let this breakup ruin me like the others had. When I came back I hadn't heard a single word from him. Nothing. Not even about a talk or just anything. But I got on with it. Anyway we agreed to meet up this Friday just gone (initiated by me) I just wanted to talk to him, not get back together but to talk....

He says he was jealous I went on holiday with my friends as him and I were supposed to have fun together. I reminded him we still have the concerts coming up, and maybe we could still attend? Or, if he'd like, I could maybe take him and I away for a weekend, clear the air and have some time together?? Considering he said he was "sad we never went to the concerts and jealous I went away." He says "no. Not a good idea. You need to start a new life. I need to focus on me. Give me time. You haven't even given me time. Don't smother me." I then suggested time apart, because at this point I wanted to bang my head against a wall ! I suggested space for 1 or 2 months, He replied, "Yeah, time" but looked absolutely terrified. Huh??? So  he complains we don't have fun, I bought us concert tickets but he still says no? I get technically he left my house at this point but come on...

Ladies and gents I am CONFUSED. An hour had passed and he had to go so he quickly left - very quickly. Before he left he explained how he thinks he is depressed due to his job and how he has ruined our relationship singlehandedly and feels guilty and how everything is piling ontop of him. I sympathised with him but also explained that mental health is not an excuse for bad behaviour. He then left.

So here I am weeks later. I have started No Contact with him because...what's the point? What is he saying? What does he mean? Can somebody just please confirm he is playing games with me!!! Urgh !!! My heart is hurting and I miss him.

Thank you!

[Kwothe28]

He is not playing games with you, you are playing games with yourself. You are listening to his words and not watching his actions. He can say whatever he likes, you were in a 3,5 years relationship so ofcourse he maybe misses you as part of "longevity" together. However his actions toward you are abysmal:

- I dunno what the family thing is about, but he clearly took their side and went to them

- He straight up abandoned you after car crash (talk about not caring at all) and didnt even come to see you or even help you with anything

- And after all that you just let him back and allow him to just straight up abandon you again

I wouldnt call you stupid. Maybe would call you naive or in love. But all of this was definitely on you. As he repeatedly showed you how much he doesnt care about you or your relationship. But you repeatedly took him back time after time and allow him to be a bad partner and leave you every time.

You are on "No contact" so that is good. Take it as a lesson and dont take him back ever again. In fact, dont allow people ever again to treat you like that. Say that you deserve better and dont accept anybody when they show you the signs where its clear that they dont treat you properly.

[Dvand123]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

He is not playing games with you, you are playing games with yourself. You are listening to his words and not watching his actions. He can say whatever he likes, you were in a 3,5 years relationship so ofcourse he maybe misses you as part of "longevity" together. However his actions toward you are abysmal:

- I dunno what the family thing is about, but he clearly took their side and went to them

- He straight up abandoned you after car crash (talk about not caring at all) and didnt even come to see you or even help you with anything

- And after all that you just let him back and allow him to just straight up abandon you again

I wouldnt call you stupid. Maybe would call you naive or in love. But all of this was definitely on you. As he repeatedly showed you how much he doesnt care about you or your relationship. But you repeatedly took him back time after time and allow him to be a bad partner and leave you every time.

You are on "No contact" so that is good. Take it as a lesson and dont take him back ever again. In fact, dont allow people ever again to treat you like that. Say that you deserve better and dont accept anybody when they show you the signs where its clear that they dont treat you properly.

I'm just a bloody idiot aren't I? He says, "you keep telling me to go. I can't hear that any more" but whatever the excuse he clearly doesn't deserve me, does he?

Thank you

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't think you're a "bloody idiot" but you're participating in a losing batttle and he's running with it.  Another point to ponder is when you allow someone to disrespect you, you're giving them permission to continue.

The chances of this scenario going long term are slim to none, (imo).  Send him packing.

[catfeeder]

You've known for a long time that this guy is unhappy, to the degree that he ditches you at every bump in the road.

So how realistic is it to keep reinvesting in him, knowing how easily he abandons you at the slightest discomfort?

Would you really want to spend your future being the only financial contributor to your household, supporting someone who will dump you at every turn?

You deserve better, and I hope you will stop wasting your time.

We can never regain any time back to relive over again.

Head high, grieve, heal, and raise your bar. You are worth it.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Dvand123 said:

  he left he explained how he thinks he is depressed due to his job. I sympathised with him but also explained that mental health is not an excuse for bad behaviour. He then left.

 

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully you're recovering from from accident.

Let him live at home. There's no reason to chase a reluctant man like this.  He seems indifferent at best and as you mentioned, trying to have a relationship with him is like pulling teeth.

You're better off with your freedom.

[MissCanuck]

You really need to extricate yourself from this nonsense and move on, girl. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

You're expecting different results from the same guy. That's not how it works.

Listen, YOU CAN'T change a man. He's not a project to work on and you are NOT his therapist. You have to consider that the man you've been seeing was in the best version of himself.

So, what attracts you about this sad, negative, emotionally unavailable man? A man who leaves you when he should step up and support you without having to ask him?

Honestly, re-evaluate why you keep wanting to be with such a man and re-visit your dating standards. You deserve and can do much better.

I advise you keep the no contact and focus on taking care of yourself. Keep going out with the girls, heal and forget about him. You can do much better! 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, Dvand123 said:

I'm just a bloody idiot aren't I? He says, "you keep telling me to go. I can't hear that any more" but whatever the excuse he clearly doesn't deserve me, does he?

 

You are being too harsh on yourself. People make mistakes like that and allow wrong people into their lives. What is important is that we learn from that and not make those mistakes again. So, just be mindful on stuff like that next time when you meet somebody.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Dvand123 said:

I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5years, we've had our major ups and downs but we have both made it work.

Moving in/moving out, breaking up/making up. Unfortunately this is chaotic and you're both unhappy and spinning in circles. Is this the same man as when you were in the hospital last time, "heavily medicated"?

Reflect on how much longer you want to spend like this in this limbo. It's been a third of a decade so far.

On/off relationships are fraught with chronic unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of better opportunities. 

In this case he's depressed and you're allowing this revolving door of in out on off, etc. Reflect why you're seeking out this chaos.

 

[JoyfulCompany]

The most important thing is:
You have been too patient and have basically carried out the whole "relationship" yourself, at least towards the end.
You deserve better and you need to find a way to move on.

My impression (I may not be necessarily right):
This guys sounds like he's having really poor coping skills and very low drive for life. He's inert, probably not aware of his emotions and somewhat people pleasing. Are his parents very authoritarian? That could explain his lack of maturity.

With that said, I think he wanted out of the relationship.
People sometimes project their unhappiness onto their SOs and it's easier for them to opt out than to sincerely look at themselves + a conflict between you two occurs + probably some negative talk coming from his parents = he's "out".
But since you've been together for a few years, there's some attachment that has been difficult to overcome + he doesn't actually feel better on his own (because he's not addressing his own problems) + you are motivated to talk it out, actively make it work and taking him back without any correction on his side = he's "in".
Here's where the back-and-forth on his side comes from in my opinion.

You have been understanding and reassuring with him but what did he do to improve his situation that was bugging him? Nothing. I think he's very immature and your styles of communication are totally incompatible. It's unrealistic to expect anything better from him. He's not willing to change anything.

I'm sorry you're hurting but let him go, stay strong and don't take him back next time he "misses" you. Good luck.

 

[Cherylyn]

Dump him.  Tell him it's time to go your separate ways permanently,  request NC (no contact), wish him all the best and sign your name with 'Sincerely, _______' via text.  He's a hot mess.  If he refuses to respect your wishes with NC,  ignore, ghost,  block and delete him.  Move on.  Yes, he's playing games and no, you're not stupid.  Get out.

Hope you heal well from your injuries.  Sorry to hear about the car accident. 

[SooSad33]

21 hours ago, Dvand123 said:

Throughout our relationship my boyfriend's financial situation has always brought him down. He works full time in a job he does not enjoy and makes average money. This is not a concern for me at all, I tell him I love him and am willing to support him in any situation but it is not good enough for him, he says he feels less of a man as he is not able to "treat me like he wants to" I of course try to re assure him but it hardly ever works. I think this problem has played on my boyfriend for years now but as of recent I think it has just spiralled out of control. To the point he feels "worthless" and "less of a man" (his words.)

Yes, men are often known as the 'providers', women, the 'nurturers'.

If a man feels so low, he feels a failure.

 

21 hours ago, Dvand123 said:

All through September he was miserable and I mean miserable with a capital M. He was angry, irritable, short tempered and his lack of communication that he has anyway was getting so much worse and less. I was losing my head, I sat him down on the couch and asked him why he was miserable he said "I'm not." So I had to take his word it. I asked him if he wanted to "leave" if he is unhappy? Meaning my home and our relationship and he said "no" (it's like pulling teeth) I was frustrated at this point and told him to leave. I said "I'm not telling you to leave because I no longer want to be with you. But you're miaerable and I don't know what to do." Okay he said and left.

I have a feeling he is quite low & lost at this time 😕 .

With your pestering him.. wanting to 'talk' & wanting answers - he can't give.

Sometimes they DO actually need 'their time alone', seriously.  To 'think' and try to work through their problems. ( eg man cave).  They will shut down a while.

So, be respectful, don't hound him anymore and just let it be.  See IF he comes around again.. or not.

Worst thing to do is to have too much expectations and pressure him some more.

And the hot/cold.  Want to be together, then not is all confusion.  He isn't sure what he wants at this time.  That, I would not accept.  IMO, he needs his own time.  No expectations that come with a relationship.  So, leave that all alone.

 

IF he comes around - reaches out for you, then maybe just have a nice visit . Have a coffee and NO pressures from your end.  Just hear him out.

IF it's a work problem ( as well as car loss), can he not look for something better , to his liking?

 

Things to think on.

[Dvand123]

13 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are being too harsh on yourself. People make mistakes like that and allow wrong people into their lives. What is important is that we learn from that and not make those mistakes again. So, just be mindful on stuff like that next time when you meet somebody.

Thank you very much for your kind words. Best to let go I know. It's very hard, he's my best friend but all things eventually come to an end. Thank you again.

[Dvand123]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, men are often known as the 'providers', women, the 'nurturers'.

If a man feels so low, he feels a failure.

 

I have a feeling he is quite low & lost at this time 😕 .

With your pestering him.. wanting to 'talk' & wanting answers - he can't give.

Sometimes they DO actually need 'their time alone', seriously.  To 'think' and try to work through their problems. ( eg man cave).  They will shut down a while.

So, be respectful, don't hound him anymore and just let it be.  See IF he comes around again.. or not.

Worst thing to do is to have too much expectations and pressure him some more.

And the hot/cold.  Want to be together, then not is all confusion.  He isn't sure what he wants at this time.  That, I would not accept.  IMO, he needs his own time.  No expectations that come with a relationship.  So, leave that all alone.

 

IF he comes around - reaches out for you, then maybe just have a nice visit . Have a coffee and NO pressures from your end.  Just hear him out.

IF it's a work problem ( as well as car loss), can he not look for something better , to his liking?

 

Things to think on.

Thank you for taking time to answer. I love him but I love myself more. The indecisiveness is what is killing me. He can never make up his mind and can never say, "no" I do not appreciate the game playing either. Tell me you want space and space is what I will give, I'm very independent naturally so I enjoy alone time too. Either way he knows where I am. Thank you again.

[Dvand123]

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Dump him.  Tell him it's time to go your separate ways permanently,  request NC (no contact), wish him all the best and sign your name with 'Sincerely, _______' via text.  He's a hot mess.  If he refuses to respect your wishes with NC,  ignore, ghost,  block and delete him.  Move on.  Yes, he's playing games and no, you're not stupid.  Get out.

Hope you heal well from your injuries.  Sorry to hear about the car accident. 

Yes, the game playing is utterly boring. I absolutely adore him but I feel my respect going for him slightly with how he has dealt with things. Just tell me to GO. I'm not going to cry or beg.

Thank you very much

[Dvand123]

11 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

The most important thing is:
You have been too patient and have basically carried out the whole "relationship" yourself, at least towards the end.
You deserve better and you need to find a way to move on.

My impression (I may not be necessarily right):
This guys sounds like he's having really poor coping skills and very low drive for life. He's inert, probably not aware of his emotions and somewhat people pleasing. Are his parents very authoritarian? That could explain his lack of maturity.

With that said, I think he wanted out of the relationship.
People sometimes project their unhappiness onto their SOs and it's easier for them to opt out than to sincerely look at themselves + a conflict between you two occurs + probably some negative talk coming from his parents = he's "out".
But since you've been together for a few years, there's some attachment that has been difficult to overcome + he doesn't actually feel better on his own (because he's not addressing his own problems) + you are motivated to talk it out, actively make it work and taking him back without any correction on his side = he's "in".
Here's where the back-and-forth on his side comes from in my opinion.

You have been understanding and reassuring with him but what did he do to improve his situation that was bugging him? Nothing. I think he's very immature and your styles of communication are totally incompatible. It's unrealistic to expect anything better from him. He's not willing to change anything.

I'm sorry you're hurting but let him go, stay strong and don't take him back next time he "misses" you. Good luck.

 

You are right!! Yes, his parents are VERY domineering he is treated like the second husband when it comes to his mother. His mother tried to tell me what to do once and I happily put her in her place hence the altercation, but boyfriend cannot say no to his mummy or daddy.

When he's alone I don't think he deals with things - you're right. His tendency is to run from absolutely everything, it makes me lose respect for him. He doesn't have the ability to say no and is a huge people pleaser. If I messaged him now, he'd reply 100% instead of basically telling me to get lost.

Time to let go now, I'm 26 not 16, I can't play games much longer. Thank you very much!

[Dvand123]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Moving in/moving out, breaking up/making up. Unfortunately this is chaotic and you're both unhappy and spinning in circles. Is this the same man as when you were in the hospital last time, "heavily medicated"?

Reflect on how much longer you want to spend like this in this limbo. It's been a third of a decade so far.

On/off relationships are fraught with chronic unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of better opportunities. 

In this case he's depressed and you're allowing this revolving door of in out on off, etc. Reflect why you're seeking out this chaos.

 

Definitely. I'm a secure person and I just like to communicate, I suppose he is rather avoidant and likes to run. We are like cat and mouse in a way. I would much prefer him to tell me to F-Off than beat around the  bush. I love him, I tried that's all I can do. 

Thank you!

[Dvand123]

14 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You're expecting different results from the same guy. That's not how it works.

Listen, YOU CAN'T change a man. He's not a project to work on and you are NOT his therapist. You have to consider that the man you've been seeing was in the best version of himself.

So, what attracts you about this sad, negative, emotionally unavailable man? A man who leaves you when he should step up and support you without having to ask him?

Honestly, re-evaluate why you keep wanting to be with such a man and re-visit your dating standards. You deserve and can do much better.

I advise you keep the no contact and focus on taking care of yourself. Keep going out with the girls, heal and forget about him. You can do much better! 

100% I realise I have begged for the bare minimum for so long. We are both 26 and his parents used to call him whilst we were together and ask him to come home as they miss him.

All very strange and weird. You're right, I do deserve better. I deserve a strong team player - an actual adult! 

Thank you V much

[Dvand123]

18 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You've known for a long time that this guy is unhappy, to the degree that he ditches you at every bump in the road.

So how realistic is it to keep reinvesting in him, knowing how easily he abandons you at the slightest discomfort?

Would you really want to spend your future being the only financial contributor to your household, supporting someone who will dump you at every turn?

You deserve better, and I hope you will stop wasting your time.

We can never regain any time back to relive over again.

Head high, grieve, heal, and raise your bar. You are worth it.

Great words, thanks. I'm surpised with how well I've been doing. I suppose when you know better you do better....

Thank you!

[catfeeder]

33 minutes ago, Dvand123 said:

Just tell me to GO. I'm not going to cry or beg.

He doesn't need to do that when just leaves, instead.

So it's up to you to recognize the message and the futility of taking him back.

Head high, and if it would be helpful, document your forward movement here.

[Dvand123]

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You really need to extricate yourself from this nonsense and move on, girl. 

 

I have done. The pushing and pulling was driving me to a breakdown! Not worth it. Bye to him!

[Andrina]

It's time to stop wondering and caring what he's feeling, why he's doing what he's doing, or anything else about him. It doesn't matter. He's now in your rear view mirror, where he should be. As a teen, I broke up with a guy I dated for 2 years, knowing his mother would be overly involved in his life, and he'd always allow himself to be manipulated. Now you have the life experience tucked away under your belt to know what kind of guy to avoid in the future.

I don't know what you've done to go no contact, but I hope's its involved blocking him from all of your social media. That's important for closure, because believe me, if he's allowed access, if he does contact you, it will set your healing and closure back to square one. 

Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling because it's part of the grieving and healing process. Know that with time, you will one day no longer think of him daily. If you don't have a good support system, begin forming more female friendships and get a hobby you can be passionate about. Always have a fulfilling life besides dating. Take care.

[Lambert]

You are not an idiot. Don't beat yourself up. Recognize a dead horse and stop beating it.

so many times we can get hung up on all the past effort, all we've done for the sake of the relationship and we think we can't stop! 

we can stop. you can stop. draw a line in the sad... the past doesn't matter anymore.  you cancel any promises or commitments made to this situation.

Forgive yourself for not doing what was best for you then.  And change! You can change.

Work on your self control, your self love,  your regulation of your thoughts, emotions & actions, set and hold boundaries for your own behavior and the behavior you accept from others.

Listen to Kelly Clarkson "walk away" really loudly & sing your heart out. Empower yourself.... 🎼cause if you don't have answer, walk away...🎵