My bf wants to meet his ex.

[Idea123]

My bf was with his ex for about a year, he accused her of cheating and she cut him off, now he feels guilty that he did. She keeps calling him from time to time saying that she wants to meet him and talk. The thing is I know she is a manipulative person and I know as well that she ideed cheated on him, not once but with three different guys. But I felt like it's a bad idea if I am the one to tell him about it. He says that he got over her and he just wants to make things clear and tell her about our relationship when they meet but I do not find it reasonable to do. He is not arguing about it, once I told him that I don't feel like him meeting her, he canceled the meeting and he promised me that he won't. However, the guilt part is making me overthink, because I know she will be calling back again, and he will feel guilty again which might ruin us. 

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? How long after they broke up did you start dating?

The ex is not the problem. Your BF is. He's communicating with her constantly for a reason.

Your relationship with him is really about them. He's not focused on you. It seems you're a rebound while he tries to negotiate getting back together with her.

Save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and end it. He's still way too hung up on her. 

He has zero respect for you, your relationship or your feelings. Even if you speak with him about again, he'll still talk to and see her, he'll just hide it.

[poorlittlefish]

22 minutes ago, Idea123 said:

My bf was with his ex for about a year, he accused her of cheating and she cut him off, now he feels guilty that he did. She keeps calling him from time to time saying that she wants to meet him and talk. The thing is I know she is a manipulative person and I know as well that she ideed cheated on him, not once but with three different guys. But I felt like it's a bad idea if I am the one to tell him about it. He says that he got over her and he just wants to make things clear and tell her about our relationship when they meet but I do not find it reasonable to do. He is not arguing about it, once I told him that I don't feel like him meeting her, he canceled the meeting and he promised me that he won't. However, the guilt part is making me overthink, because I know she will be calling back again, and he will feel guilty again which might ruin us. 

So you know 100% his ex cheated, but he doesn't? Letting on could get messy and you could be accused of meddling. 

However, he's been allowing her to contact him as he's clearly not blocked her number. He's also entertained the idea of meeting her and his reason for agreeing to it sounds dodgy to me. Why has he not already told her he's in a relationship in one of these unnecessary calls? 

Maybe he wonders whether he was too hasty in splitting up with her and is curious to see if it is salvageable. 

If he genuinely has no interest in his ex, he should be asking her not to contact him again and blocking her number. I bet he won't. 

[MissCanuck]

I would drop him like a hot potato. 

He should not be meeting up with his ex for these reasons at all. The fact the he wants to indicates he's still got a soft spot for her on some level, which doesn't bode well for your relationship. She's still taking up space in his mind and heart. 

I'm sorry, OP. This isn't going to end well for you if you stick around with this guy. 

[Rose Mosse]

32 minutes ago, Idea123 said:

My bf was with his ex for about a year, he accused her of cheating and she cut him off, now he feels guilty that he did. She keeps calling him from time to time saying that she wants to meet him and talk. The thing is I know she is a manipulative person and I know as well that she ideed cheated on him, not once but with three different guys. But I felt like it's a bad idea if I am the one to tell him about it. He says that he got over her and he just wants to make things clear and tell her about our relationship when they meet but I do not find it reasonable to do. He is not arguing about it, once I told him that I don't feel like him meeting her, he canceled the meeting and he promised me that he won't. However, the guilt part is making me overthink, because I know she will be calling back again, and he will feel guilty again which might ruin us. 

I might reconsider if you ever had him. He lacks conviction which is very unfortunate. 

[Kwothe28]

If he got over her I really dont believe he would make contact, let alone consider meeting with her. All while he already has a girlfriend. So I would view it as a huge red flag going forward. 

For example in a healthy mindset where he already accepted that it was over, he just wouldnt care about her. And certanly wouldnt feeling guilty that he acoused her of cheating. He probably knows and knew all along that she cheated. But is in denial about it. Because he did not get over her and accepted what happened and moved on from it. You telling the person in denial how something is true or not, will probably achieve nothing. So I would advise to just bow out. There is hardly anything you can do when he isnt really there.

Also, I wouldnt be surprised that he does see her behind your back. Now that he knows you dont approve it he just might do that.

[mical]

Don’t allow this. It’s very disrespectful to you. Keep your healthy boundaries and let him know that’s not acceptable. If he were to continue challenging your boundaries I would probably leave the relationship.

My ex wanted to meet up for a “coffee and talk” last week but I politely declined because I don’t think it’s usually possible to be “just friends” with an ex, nor would I want to, and I don’t see any future. 

[smackie9]

This is what is called unfinished business. He still has feelings for her if he believes she didn't cheat. In his eyes there is hope. He is in denial with his feelings or he's simply lying to you. This isn't over between them. And if he is that gullible, let her have him. 

[reinventmyself]

5 hours ago, mical said:

Don’t allow this. It’s very disrespectful to you. Keep your healthy boundaries and let him know that’s not acceptable. If he were to continue challenging your boundaries I would probably leave the relationship.

My ex wanted to meet up for a “coffee and talk” last week but I politely declined because I don’t think it’s usually possible to be “just friends” with an ex, nor would I want to, and I don’t see any future. 

You can try to "not allow" this to happen.  But that doesn't solve the problem of him and his unresolved issues with an ex. 

If someone is entirely over their past relationship, details no longer matter.  They also would never risk putting their current relationship in jeopardy over it.  

As much as I would share how their ongoing communication feels disrespectful to me, I also recognize that a man will only be with me  - if they wanted to.  Trying to stop him is pointless.   It doesn't change what he wants.   If he is preoccupied about an ex I would take it as a sign that he's conflicted -.  And if he cares enough to give in to her demands for attention that would be enough reason for me to end it. 

[DancingFool]

He doesn't need to meet her to tell her that he is in a relationship now and that she needs to stop contacting him as he is not interested and not available. 

If he is continuing to chat with her and was going to meet her, it's because he is not fully done with her despite what he claims. Watch his actions, not his words.

As everyone else already said, I'd step so far back from this situation that he'd never see me again.

[mical]

30 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

You can try to "not allow" this to happen.  But that doesn't solve the problem of him and his unresolved issues with an ex. 

 

I meant not allow someone to cross your healthy boundaries and remain in a relationship with you. And in this case, I’d leave, so we are on the same page. 🙂

[reinventmyself]

4 minutes ago, mical said:

I meant not allow someone to cross your healthy boundaries and remain in a relationship with you. And in this case, I’d leave, so we are on the same page.

I get that.   Just spun off the choice of words 🙂

[Batya33]

No -he can do a one sentence text that says "I think it's best we are not in contact anymore. I am seeing someone and it's serious so it's not appropriate for us to be in touch. Take care."

I did stay in touch with exes to varying degrees.  It was fine.  It was fine because I had no intention of dating the person and that person respected my current relationship.  In one case an ex contacted me a lot and disrespected and I never accepted his contacts and cut off contact.  I married my ex fiancee.  We were in touch very little in the years we were apart - a few emails a year, mostly not personal, one quick dinner when neither of us was in a serious relationship but it was just a quick meet up.  

[SooSad33]

As asked.. how long have you two been involved... and how long were they split before he got involved w/ you?

As mentioned.. unresolved issue's?  If he felt so hurt and is in some sort of denial about what all occurred between them, he may want to know more, etc.. But, fact is, she did cheat & they've broken up.. I just wonder about HIM having you be a rebound.. they hurt & often don't last 😕 .

IMO, there is no need for him to agree to meet with her for anything now.  IF he is over her, he'd find no reason for any of this!

 

[Lambert]

I would reconsider this whole relationship.... 

He is not 100% healed and the fact that he's wanting to go back to clear the air is a major red flag.

A healed, happily committed person would not even entertain her contacting him. 

I know it's hard to hear.  been there done that. Cheaters/ dumpers can have a strong pull on their exes.  Their self esteem and need to be approved of or to prove something to the cheater/dumper can be so string.

It's more about your bf and he not really being healed than you or any feelings he may have for you. 

I'm sorry.  totally sucks. protect yourself.  put your needs before his or the relationship.

[melancholy123]

If he really is over her, he would block and delete her from his phone and any other method she has of contacting him.  That would tell her what she needs to know, that he's moved on.  But he hasnt done that.

Maybe he's not as over her as much as you think he is or he says he is.  He is the problem, not the ex.

[Ayanokōji]

On 1/28/2022 at 8:04 PM, Idea123 said:

He says that he got over her and he just wants to make things clear and tell her about our relationship when they meet but I do not find it reasonable to do. He is not arguing about it, once I told him that I don't feel like him meeting her, he canceled the meeting and he promised me that he won't. However, the guilt part is making me overthink, because I know she will be calling back again, and he will feel guilty again which might ruin us. 

 

Theres no reason why he needs to be talking to his ex based on what you've said. You did the right thing and you should stand by ur decision. If she doesn't mean much to him anymore coz hes in love with you then he shouldn't need to go see her. He should also have told her right away that hes in a relationship now.

[Orianna]

I was in your shoes. My ex was seeing his ex to make her feel jealous. I thought it was done after he meet her but he keeps seeing her without my knowledge  and also lying to me that they no longer together. He was a two timer. He was dating me and his ex gf for nine mos. 

my advice is you can stay in a relationship. Time will tell that you were wasting your time and effort.  Don’t be like me. Learn to have courage and move on

[Jibralta]

On 1/28/2022 at 2:04 AM, Idea123 said:

He says that he got over her and he just wants to make things clear and tell her about our relationship when they meet but I do not find it reasonable to do. He is not arguing about it, once I told him that I don't feel like him meeting her, he canceled the meeting and he promised me that he won't. However, the guilt part is making me overthink, because I know she will be calling back again, and he will feel guilty again which might ruin us. 

I agree with your perspective. Whether she cheated on him or not, their relationship is over now. He's dating you. There's no reason for him to 'check in' with her. 

It's sounds like deep down, he agrees with you:

On 1/28/2022 at 2:04 AM, Idea123 said:

He is not arguing about it, once I told him that I don't feel like him meeting her, he canceled the meeting and he promised me that he won't.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think your answer lies in the fact that he's staying in contact with her.  Otherwise, he'd never take the chance of having you find out, followed by losing you.

I'm not sure how you could trust him again?