Am I wrong in asking for an explanation, and why does she always act like I am wrong for asking?

[EddEMM222]

Hello Im 43 and she's 42. And we've been together since high school, been married 8 years, have 2 beautiful daughters 4 and 7.

A while back I found something on her instagram account that to me wasn't right. She had gone out for drinks with her sisters and friends and at some point she had sent a quick video of herself and her sister smiling at the camera obviously drinking with loud music playing. So I found that she had sent that video to a guy/ family friend of theirs a few years older than us. And he had responded privately but I couldn't see the message. So she claims she sent that video to everyone that follows her on instagram but when I checked everyones account I idid not see anyone else recieving the video.

Then after that a few weeks later I see in her history that she googled Aquarius Scorpio Compatability Im aquarius and shes scorpio.

also Are Aquarius and Scorpio toxic together? and Are Aquarius and Scorpio a bad match? And had opened up a few of the results.

She then also googled Scorpio and Scorpio Compatibility in Sex, Love and Life and opened up a few of the results as well.

I then looked up to find the guy she had sent the video to and discovered he is a scorpio also.

When I bring it up I get the same responses from her. She gets angry starts accusing me of being crazy a wierdo insults and put downs. She always avoids answering the ?? eveytime.

 

Am I wrong for asking her for an explanation or am I making something out of nothing.

[Wiseman2]

Why are you rifling through her phone?

You seem excessively controlling, nosy, jealous and insecure.

Stay in your own lane. Stop rifling through her phone and accounts. 

Stop interrogating and policing.

What's up with all this? Are you obsessing that she might be cheating?

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, EddEMM222 said:

So she claims she sent that video to everyone that follows her on instagram but when I checked everyones account I idid not see anyone else recieving the video.

Dude. 

When you reach this point, the relationship is deeply, deeply broken. You quite clearly do not trust her, and maybe you have a legitimate reason not to. But you need to ask yourself what really got you two here, because I don't believe for a moment it was just because of one video. 

What is the backstory of the distrust in her? 

[EddEMM222]

we have both lied to each other during this relatonship. I tell myself we basically met when we were young and we grew up together and did stuff kids do but we kept alot of it from each other. There was also an incedent with a good friend of mine that again she denies but it makes no sense and on my part ive had substance abuse problems so ive dragged her through all that. She's told me how much of a loser I am how im unnatractive nobody would ever be interested in me. No friends.... I did go through some loser times but ever dince my daughter was born i have never stopped working even worked 2 jobs and a;though i have changed jobs often these past 11 years its always been for a better job. But yes this relationship is full of ***ed up problems. I honestly forgive her for most of her mistakes, I dont forgive myself for mine. I just truly love her and I admire her for her good qualities. I just dont get why she never admits her wrongs. and i wouldnt look through her phone if I didnt always see something involving other guys. her friend telling her not to worry she'll find a good guy soon. Or her asking about some guy. I dont know.... but thanks for the honest replies

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, EddEMM222 said:

ive had substance abuse problems 

You need to focus on your sobriety. Hopefully you are attending sobriety support groups and seeing a physician and therapist for ongoing support.

 

[EddEMM222]

wiseman dont judge a person after reading just a few paragraphs. There are people i spend 8 hours a day with who I would not judge or criticize because I dont know that much about them. I promise you would be quiet as a mouse if we met face to face  

[SherrySher]

Have you ever gone into counselling for your addiction issues, or suggested counselling for you and her to go to together to try and work through your relationship?

If you've been together this long, you must have something pretty special.

But in order to get back on track, you're both going to need help.

Therapy can heal many of your issues. Have you ever considered that? Or asking her if she is open to that?

[Kwothe28]

She believes in horoscope, instant grounds for divorce.

Also yes, she is definitely cheating. 

[DarkCh0c0]

19 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

She believes in horoscope, instant grounds for divorce

What?

[Kwothe28]

25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What?

Its a joke. Though I did always found silly that everybody born in the same sign would have the same luck regarding job, health or love. 

Here horoscope is the least of his worries when he has infidelity and stuff like this

2 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

She's told me how much of a loser I am how im unnatractive nobody would ever be interested in me

 

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

When I bring it up I get the same responses from her. She gets angry starts accusing me of being crazy a wierdo insults and put downs. She always avoids answering the ?? eveytime.

Ignoring everything else in your post the part above is classic cheater. Anger and turns it back on the victim.

So you dated for 17 years before you got married. That is a long stretch, did you ever break up during those years?  Just curious.

 Your gut is telling you something is wrong so you snoop.  You find messages from her friend telling her not to worry she will find a better man someday and she is asking about other men.  She is obviously shopping for your replacement and test driving other men behind your back.  As soon as she finds him you will get the bomb dropped on you that she doesn't love you anymore or possibly ever and she wants a divorce.

She is cheating on you and cheaters lie and then lie some more.  This is who they are and for you to expect her to tell the truth about these men on her phone is naive. 

Just loving her good qualities will not sustain this relationship.  It is broken and she is cheating.

  Can you stop what has been going on?  No you cannot because it is her choice to betray you and the family so it has to be her choice to stop.  I suggest you get yourself worked out and fix all your problems and get healthy mind and body so you are prepared for the challenge ahead.

You do not want her to use your problems against you in a custody fight if it comes to that.

I am sorry but you can only control what you do, not what she does.

Lost

[smackie9]

You have been together for a long time so of course things are going to be routine, stale. Instead of focusing on "Is she cheating?" Try doing more for the relationship. Women need to feel desired/appreciated. Freshen things up by having regular date nights and be creative about it. Have dates where she can dress up and feel feminine/beautiful. Surprise her with flowers or her favorite chocolates. Even the smallest of actions like a complement, will make her feel desired. Make some changes for yourself, like a new look, a new style/more on trend. Women just love that stuff.

She's a mother and a wife yes, but she still wants to feel like she is a desirable woman. I have a sense this is why she is doing what she is doing, so why not step up your game on this.

[Rose Mosse]

You seem low on yourself, low self-esteem and plagued by feelings of not feeling good enough. The way you talk about yourself "loser" is hurtful and damaging even if you don't recognize it immediately. At this point everything becomes a threat because you feel so terribly about yourself. 

Why continue a relationship that keeps perpetuating these cycles? You respect her but she doesn't respect you or you think she doesn't respect you. It will seem that no one respects you if you can't respect yourself first so you need to fix the way you think of yourself. Counselling, therapy, support for your substance abuse past or any ongoing issues with substance abuse will help you. I'm sorry but nothing will be peaceful or adequate until you learn to love yourself.

[catfeeder]

You're wrong for snooping through her stuff, and if you think telling her you're doing that will help your marriage, you're learning otherwise.

I'd keep my conversation focused on our marriage and what I can do to help her be happier with me rather than accusations and turning into an adversary.

Decide whether you wan to help your marriage or hurt it.

If you want to hurt it, you're doing a great job.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

 dont judge a person after reading just a few paragraphs.

No one should have to tolerate an addict. That being said, she should have left years ago rather than finding solace in clean and sober people. 

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

No one should have to tolerate an addict. That being said, she should have left years ago rather than finding solace in clean and sober people. 

To be fair, they're both at fault for making the relationship as bad as it is.

Addiction is  a symptom is someone being unwell. No one does it to purposely ruin their life, or others and I don't believe this gentleman has either.

Most people who have trouble with addictions, have had a lot of trauma that has brought them to use substances, in order to cope.

Although I know you do need help, OP, I don't think you're a bad person, nor do I feel you're completely at fault for how bad your relationship has gotten.

It does not matter what mistakes were made in the relationship, or how bad it got, there is never an excuse to go cheating or messing around with other people.

If she was that unhappy, she should have come to you, told you, worked out how to fix it, or end the relationship.

But going to another man, getting cozy with him, was one of the worst things she could have done.

BOTH of you have caused a lot of issues that need addressing and need to be dealt with asap, if your relationship has any chance at all.

The way to go do that, is for you to get addiction counselling, and for you and her both, to go into relationship/marriage counselling together.

The sooner the better.

 

[waffle]

12 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

Am I wrong for asking her for an explanation or am I making something out of nothing.

Asking for (demanding) an explanation, or "confronting", never does any good in these cases.  That's because cheating or potential cheating is not the problem, it's a symptom of the problem.

At the minimum she's got one foot out the door.  Worst case is she has already left in every way except physically leaving.  Micromanaging and analyzing her online activities will just make things worse.  A good therapist is going to be your only chance at this point.

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

I promise you would be quiet as a mouse if we met face to face

This is a serious question, but have you got a bit of a hair-trigger temper? 

[EddEMM222]

Thanks everyone for your honest opinions at first it bothered me with what someone posted and I was worried this was one of those sites were everyone jumps all over someone with no intention of even trying to help. Yes I have done counseling for my addiction. It used to be worse, using everyday not working.... butt now I stay away then go back to it every 8 or 9 months it seems like. No excuses though I know I obviously still have a problem. We also went through about a year of counseling and honestly things were great right after. It was perfect. She would actually smile at me which was something I hadn't seen in years. Which in turn made me feel good about myself which lead to me being completely sober with out the smallest urge or desire to use. It was nice. So we stopped the counseling which was draining our savings. Then one day she started getting angry about nothing and I asked her don't throw away everything we've done and it didn't matter. We went right back to where we were. I do have self esteem issues and I do have problems with my family growing up and I know I but to much into our relationship or I ask to much from her ( attention or interest i guess ) but its just the way I feel about her. Someone mentioned 17 years was a long time to wait and the truth is I always felt like she was ready to end things. I never expected to hear that she actually wanted to marry me. I honestly have alot bottled up inside so I guess its good to be able to let some stuff out every once in a while. Thank you again everyonr for your opinions.

[Batya33]

Did you ever ask her why she wanted to marry you at that point?  And why did you want to marry her given the instability?

[smackie9]

If you want things to stay on track, you need to spend time communicating with each other. With all that counseling, did they not teach and encourage that? If things fell apart, it was you either both didn't really learn anything or you both got lazy and complacent. Light a fire under your butt and get at it again.

[SherrySher]

25 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If you want things to stay on track, you need to spend time communicating with each other. With all that counseling, did they not teach and encourage that? If things fell apart, it was you either both didn't really learn anything or you both got lazy and complacent. Light a fire under your butt and get at it again.

Yes, communication is a huge factor in relationships working, or not working.

Have you sat down with her and genuinely opened up to one another about how you're feeling, what makes you happy, what works for you, what doesn't. How you can both get through the problems you have, together.

What you need from one another, etc.

1 hour ago, EddEMM222 said:

Then one day she started getting angry about nothing

It's never, nothing, though, is it?

This is another point in your relationship where you should have sat down with one another and asked her what was wrong, why she was getting angry, what was bothering her.

You're married because at some point you fell in love. But what also matters a great deal, is how good of friends you are.

You sound slightly scared of her, or scared to actually talk to her, or ask her questions, etc.

That's not good.

She too is not communicating with you on why she gets upset, angry, etc.

You both need to start being on the same side, and not head to head.

Talk to one another, help each other understand your view points/feelings.

Create trust amongst each other where you feel safe to talk to her and she to you, on any level and no one is afraid of repercussions from just being honest with one another.

Marriage doesn't work unless you are very close friends that have each others back, are always open and honest, as well as a lot of love and support.

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Marriage doesn't work unless you are very close friends that have each others back, are always open and honest, as well as a lot of love and support.

Agree. You should have a real friendship. The marriage can never be good if you function like two strangers who are just tolerating each other out of familiarity. 

12 hours ago, SherrySher said:

13 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

Then one day she started getting angry about nothing

It's never, nothing, though, is it?

This is another point in your relationship where you should have sat down with one another and asked her what was wrong, why she was getting angry, what was bothering her.

Right. Something had to be brewing. Maybe you thought it was silly--maybe it was silly. But we all have our ridiculous moments and you're supposed to be her friend. Instead, you look at her bad mood as shots fired. You're ready to fight. 

Perhaps the dynamic between you guys is just totally poisoned now, and there's no way that you can get past the resentment that you've both built over the years that you've been together. That's something that you have to really think about. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

 my addiction. It used to be worse, using everyday not working.... butt now I stay away then go back to it every 8 or 9 months it seems like. 

So you're struggling but won't stay clean? 

No amount of "communication" will fix anything when you go off the grid every few months destroying progress through relapses.

Addicts lie. So communicating is not the solution.

Until you make a commitment to sobriety, your relationship is with drugs, everyone else is just a pawn.

Drugs are destroying your relationship and draining your finances, not therapy.

Get into an addiction recovery program. Otherwise you're just kidding yourself.

[EddEMM222]

Alot of good points were made on here . I am way more into communicating than she is. I do start off trying to sit down and talk to her and most of the time she starts rolling eyes, saying shes tired or she doesnt feel like starting a big fight. And I always tell her "honestly the last thing I want is to start a big fight with you because it never fixes anything just makes things worse" and she says "then lets stop talking about this stuff. 

 

Inside I feel like she's always known how attractive she is and im not and she kind of has always used that to treat me however she wants. Meaning if im not happy about something all she has to do is deny it, get very angry, then wait for me to drop the subject if not and we dont speak for a week shes fine she could care less. Basically she sees it as who really has more to lose. We split and I might find another girl o maybe not. She definitely will find someone who is better looking, better financially, more interesting.... And its not that i am thinking low of myself im just being 100% honest and realistic. When your speaking with someone you know if your in the same league, or if they are a little fugly or way out of your league. I once showed a co worker a picture of my wife and some of her friends (my wife of course way prettier than the rest) and she pointed at the must unattractive one and assumed she was my wife and went on to tell everyone she was my wife. When my buddy finally corrected her,her and others kept saying yea right and now way in hell) so it is what it is I guess. Still no reason to mistreat someone.

 

And yes me relapsing no matter how spread out it may be is still a problem I need to overcome. With out a doubt. And our finances are way fine. I use to be at that point where  I was pennyless but when I do relapse luckily it only lasts a day or two.  Looking at a bank statement you would never be able to tell. Still no excuse.