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EddEMM222

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  1. Hello everyone, thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and for offering your advice and sharing your knowledge and opinions. Thank you. I am 44 my wife is 43, we've been together for about 25 years. We have two precious daughters 5 and 11. We unfortunately are currently living back with our parents because we are ready to buy a home but I first had absolutely no credit score. (which is now in the high 500's with zero derogatory) and also because I've had some job issues recently ( was at a job 2 years then left, got into an aerospace company for about 6 months then covid laid me off. Got into construction for about 2 months then left to work for a local school district which let me go 2 days before my 6 month probation period ended (supervisor was an unbelievable jerk who currently has 7 open complaints from coworkers filed through the state school board) he found out I had went to an assistant principal to complain about his behavior. So for the last month I have been unemployed but consistently looking. (Allot of jobs, but not many that can cover the cost of living in southern California). My wife on the other hand has very well paying job with a very big company that she's been at for about 20 years I believe. She also has perfect credit and many zero's in her bank account. (only thing cool about living with parents). She provides medical, dental, and life insurances. She is also permanently working from home and has both of our daughters with her also. I am at my parents which gives her family less to have to deal with but it also complicates certain things so either way it has goods and bad's. Now on top of all this mess of a situation and to really put everything on another level, I have a substance abuse problem that I've done very little to officially sit down and ask for help. On and off for about 15 years I think. I don't believe I am a full blown street wandering addict but I obviously have not been able to fully stop. I am usually off for a few months, then I end up with that urge and usually do it a few times then my wife starts to get suspicious and she usually catches me with it or finds it somewhere. Usually about once every 6 to 8 months or so. Regardless we have kids and I fully understand the many negative consequences that it causes. The many ways it harms and hurts yourself and loved ones mostly. I have my first appointment set for Thursday of next week to speak with a therapist through our insurance provider. SO, I wanted to unload all of this so everyone can understand all that my wife has to deal with. I've straightened out quite a bit once our daughters were born but before that I put her through the typical issues that come along with drug abuse. Stealing money, lying, not working, getting arrested. Never been the type to cheat or be gone for days at a time or not spend time with her. No domestic violence problems either. So that is all of it. The reason for me posting this is that for all those years of being together anytime I have ever had a problem with something she's done or anything, her first response has always been to get mad. Very mad. And this goes all the way back to when we were fourteen, the innocent days of love and being kids. She has always shown nothing but anger anytime I have complained about something, acted like a jerk for whatever reason, even for asking "what do you feel like doing tonight" or ".... do you feel like eating" Especially if I bring up something that's she is doing that I am not ok with. She never admits what she's doing is wrong, never says I didnt even realize I was making you feel that way, never even acknowledges that yes she does do whatever it may be. Her first response is always YOU KNOW WHAT, IM ***EN TIRED... LISTEN YOU ***... ARE YOU ***EN KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW... YOU PIECE OF ***.... those are all her typical first words out of her mouth. Lately I've been complaining about her telling her mom every single thing that goes on between us, what I said, what she said, … and I understand she's close to her mom, dad and sisters. My problem is that they are only hearing her side of the story, all the time. Which is then retold to other family members and so on. Also I have heard her family many times say " I've seen how you get when your mad you don't take no *** from him" or "Your crazy how many times did you hit him, ha ha ha, all you heard was smack smack smack" like its something to be proud of. Or like they actually accomplished something. All this is being said and also seen by my daughters. I have been told also that she behaves this way because she wants to teach our daughters they don't have to put up with jerk men. I know I can be rude or a jerk at times but when it comes to dealing with a real problem or if it's something she has a problem with I hear her out, then say either I did that because … or I didn't even realize I've been making you feel that way. I say sorry and I honestly try to look back at moments that I behaved that way and I try my best to make it a point to myself to not let it happen again. I do this because I really care for her and I don't want to mistreat her. Or create more for her to deal with. Inside I do it because I truly value her. I know that everything comes to an end someday and terrible things happen unexpectant all the time. I feel inside like its always the ones that seem to matter the most, that end up being taken from you early. So that is always on my mind. Of course this isn't the way it always plays out but for the most part I really do make an honest effort to change. So by her always responding this way to every issue I have, by her never apologizing for things that are clearly wrong, it has convinced me for so long now that I must not matter to her. I am in no way good enough for her, she truly hates me and everything about me, she definitely would cheat on me, and so on. She is also pretty abusive verbally by saying " you ugly piece of ***, you ***en loser, that's why nobody likes you, your own parents don't even like you..." and on and on. Yelling these things in front of my daughters, her parents. and after when it's all over I rarely hear an apology. I've told her that honestly when I get that urge to use, 9 times out of ten in my mind I'm telling myself "*** it I'm a worthless piece of *** right" or "*** it she could care less about me" I know the obvious, that this is an extremely toxic unhealthy relationship. And even though this happens once every other month or so, it's still happening around our kids and it is damaging them in probably many different ways. I do want to say that she is not her normal way of being. She is actually a very attractive, nice, caring, loving person with many many fam ily and friends who love her very much. And we really do try our best to not do this in front of our kids, and most of the time we have just as much fun, laughter and happy moments just like any other family. We frequently take little weekend getaway trips and do all the fun stuff kids enjoy doing. The bad side to that is by trying to keep these scenes from our kids, that means that problems are not allowed to be brought up. We never talk about things because she goes into "why do you always want to fight in front of the kids" and my response is always "that's the last thing I want to do, we cant just talk about things, calmly and quietly, even jokingly, I don't care" I just cant understand how someone who obviously has proven yo be smarter than me in so many ways, and somebody who loves our kids so much. Why cant this person see the harm they're creating and at least TRY to change. I truly believe that if it wasn't for this big problem we would be living completely different lives. I also would like to know if this type of behavior has a name, and hopefully she might then be able to understand it better.
  2. Alot of good points were made on here . I am way more into communicating than she is. I do start off trying to sit down and talk to her and most of the time she starts rolling eyes, saying shes tired or she doesnt feel like starting a big fight. And I always tell her "honestly the last thing I want is to start a big fight with you because it never fixes anything just makes things worse" and she says "then lets stop talking about this stuff. Inside I feel like she's always known how attractive she is and im not and she kind of has always used that to treat me however she wants. Meaning if im not happy about something all she has to do is deny it, get very angry, then wait for me to drop the subject if not and we dont speak for a week shes fine she could care less. Basically she sees it as who really has more to lose. We split and I might find another girl o maybe not. She definitely will find someone who is better looking, better financially, more interesting.... And its not that i am thinking low of myself im just being 100% honest and realistic. When your speaking with someone you know if your in the same league, or if they are a little fugly or way out of your league. I once showed a co worker a picture of my wife and some of her friends (my wife of course way prettier than the rest) and she pointed at the must unattractive one and assumed she was my wife and went on to tell everyone she was my wife. When my buddy finally corrected her,her and others kept saying yea right and now way in hell) so it is what it is I guess. Still no reason to mistreat someone. And yes me relapsing no matter how spread out it may be is still a problem I need to overcome. With out a doubt. And our finances are way fine. I use to be at that point where I was pennyless but when I do relapse luckily it only lasts a day or two. Looking at a bank statement you would never be able to tell. Still no excuse.
  3. Thanks everyone for your honest opinions at first it bothered me with what someone posted and I was worried this was one of those sites were everyone jumps all over someone with no intention of even trying to help. Yes I have done counseling for my addiction. It used to be worse, using everyday not working.... butt now I stay away then go back to it every 8 or 9 months it seems like. No excuses though I know I obviously still have a problem. We also went through about a year of counseling and honestly things were great right after. It was perfect. She would actually smile at me which was something I hadn't seen in years. Which in turn made me feel good about myself which lead to me being completely sober with out the smallest urge or desire to use. It was nice. So we stopped the counseling which was draining our savings. Then one day she started getting angry about nothing and I asked her don't throw away everything we've done and it didn't matter. We went right back to where we were. I do have self esteem issues and I do have problems with my family growing up and I know I but to much into our relationship or I ask to much from her ( attention or interest i guess ) but its just the way I feel about her. Someone mentioned 17 years was a long time to wait and the truth is I always felt like she was ready to end things. I never expected to hear that she actually wanted to marry me. I honestly have alot bottled up inside so I guess its good to be able to let some stuff out every once in a while. Thank you again everyonr for your opinions.
  4. wiseman dont judge a person after reading just a few paragraphs. There are people i spend 8 hours a day with who I would not judge or criticize because I dont know that much about them. I promise you would be quiet as a mouse if we met face to face
  5. we have both lied to each other during this relatonship. I tell myself we basically met when we were young and we grew up together and did stuff kids do but we kept alot of it from each other. There was also an incedent with a good friend of mine that again she denies but it makes no sense and on my part ive had substance abuse problems so ive dragged her through all that. She's told me how much of a loser I am how im unnatractive nobody would ever be interested in me. No friends.... I did go through some loser times but ever dince my daughter was born i have never stopped working even worked 2 jobs and a;though i have changed jobs often these past 11 years its always been for a better job. But yes this relationship is full of ***ed up problems. I honestly forgive her for most of her mistakes, I dont forgive myself for mine. I just truly love her and I admire her for her good qualities. I just dont get why she never admits her wrongs. and i wouldnt look through her phone if I didnt always see something involving other guys. her friend telling her not to worry she'll find a good guy soon. Or her asking about some guy. I dont know.... but thanks for the honest replies
  6. Hello Im 43 and she's 42. And we've been together since high school, been married 8 years, have 2 beautiful daughters 4 and 7. A while back I found something on her instagram account that to me wasn't right. She had gone out for drinks with her sisters and friends and at some point she had sent a quick video of herself and her sister smiling at the camera obviously drinking with loud music playing. So I found that she had sent that video to a guy/ family friend of theirs a few years older than us. And he had responded privately but I couldn't see the message. So she claims she sent that video to everyone that follows her on instagram but when I checked everyones account I idid not see anyone else recieving the video. Then after that a few weeks later I see in her history that she googled Aquarius Scorpio Compatability Im aquarius and shes scorpio. also Are Aquarius and Scorpio toxic together? and Are Aquarius and Scorpio a bad match? And had opened up a few of the results. She then also googled Scorpio and Scorpio Compatibility in Sex, Love and Life and opened up a few of the results as well. I then looked up to find the guy she had sent the video to and discovered he is a scorpio also. When I bring it up I get the same responses from her. She gets angry starts accusing me of being crazy a wierdo insults and put downs. She always avoids answering the ?? eveytime. Am I wrong for asking her for an explanation or am I making something out of nothing.
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