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Am I wrong in asking for an explanation, and why does she always act like I am wrong for asking?


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3 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

Inside I feel like she's always known how attractive she is and im not and she kind of has always used that to treat me however she wants.

3 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

Still no reason to mistreat someone.

You're right, it isn't a reason to mistreat someone. But has she actually ever indicated that has less to lose because she's more attractive, and that's why she doesn't treat you right? Or is this your own assumption?

Because at the end of the day, the problems in this marriage don't come from your or her physical appearance. 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

But has she actually ever indicated that has less to lose because she's more attractive, and that's why she doesn't treat you right? Or is this your own assumption?

It actually doesn't matter what her take on the matter is because it's a major concern for him regardless. Even though they've been together for 20+ years, he's convinced that he's dating out of his league and that one false move will blow the whole thing out of the water.

For me, the question is why are you clinging so hard to a pretty girl if she's such a jerk? It can't only be fear of not finding another person. I think it's more of a fear that you'll never date out of your league again. 

4 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

I am way more into communicating than she is. I do start off trying to sit down and talk to her and most of the time she starts rolling eyes, saying shes tired or she doesnt feel like starting a big fight.

You may want to try an approach other than having a sit-down conversation. Nobody looks forward to a lecture. 

Think about a friendship. Do you communicate with friends by having them take a seat and listen to your gripes? Do you go through their instagram accounts and fact-check their stories by going through thieir friends' instagram accounts as well? Probably not because it's atrociously rude and out of line. Your friendships would wither and die if you did that. Same with your marriage/LTR. 

Of course she rolls her eyes at you. Look what you're doing. Have some dignity. You are your own worst enemy here. 

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I also think its irrelevant. But not because she might not think that way but because we already know she does

On 10/9/2021 at 7:36 AM, EddEMM222 said:

She's told me how much of a loser I am how im unnatractive nobody would ever be interested in me.

so not only that OP has insecurities about it, she actively makes him that way on purpose. No wonder he is afraid to cut her off and leave when she puts him in that state. There is no "just do better communication" there, or "lighting the fire", she purposly brings him down so she can do whatever whe wants. Its not salvagable.

Which brings me to one maybe ankward question to OP: How was her own financial situation before she met you or even now? Because if she could always leave in 20 years and find somebody more prettier, why didnt she? Did you supported her financially? Maybe even gave her a place to live? Because other then kids(that came way later into your relationship) I dont think she would stay with somebody that she has so low opinion if you dont provide her at least something. And I am sorry, but that something is usually financial incentives.

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6 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

 I always tell her "honestly the last thing I want is to start a big fight with you because it never fixes anything just makes things worse" and she says "then lets stop talking about this stuff.

Yes. Confrontations and cyclical arguments are pointless.

She's right to terminate that. "Communication" is not about sitting her down and rehashing the same old issues.

"Communication" meaning talking is highly overrated. Actions. Actions change things. That means get into detox rehab and sobriety groups.

Without actions on your part talking is empty nonsense.

The biggest mistake people make is thinking talking at someone changes anything. People do it because it's easy, lazy and not as hard as working on real changes.

Stop talking. Make whatever changes you have control over. Talking at people about vague "feelings" etc is basically asking them to figure out how to make you happy.

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18 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

Alot of good points were made on here . I am way more into communicating than she is. I do start off trying to sit down and talk to her and most of the time she starts rolling eyes, saying shes tired or she doesnt feel like starting a big fight. And I always tell her "honestly the last thing I want is to start a big fight with you because it never fixes anything just makes things worse" and she says "then lets stop talking about this stuff. 

 

Inside I feel like she's always known how attractive she is and im not and she kind of has always used that to treat me however she wants. Meaning if im not happy about something all she has to do is deny it, get very angry, then wait for me to drop the subject if not and we dont speak for a week shes fine she could care less. Basically she sees it as who really has more to lose. We split and I might find another girl o maybe not. She definitely will find someone who is better looking, better financially, more interesting.... And its not that i am thinking low of myself im just being 100% honest and realistic. When your speaking with someone you know if your in the same league, or if they are a little fugly or way out of your league. I once showed a co worker a picture of my wife and some of her friends (my wife of course way prettier than the rest) and she pointed at the must unattractive one and assumed she was my wife and went on to tell everyone she was my wife. When my buddy finally corrected her,her and others kept saying yea right and now way in hell) so it is what it is I guess. Still no reason to mistreat someone.

 

And yes me relapsing no matter how spread out it may be is still a problem I need to overcome. With out a doubt. And our finances are way fine. I use to be at that point where  I was pennyless but when I do relapse luckily it only lasts a day or two.  Looking at a bank statement you would never be able to tell. Still no excuse.

OP, why are you allowing this person to treat you this way? 

She has a horrible attitude.

SHE DOESN'T DESERVE A PARTNER.

A pretty face does not give someone the right to treat people like garbage, nor did it make anyone worthy to date.

You need to stop thinking with your nether regions and wake up to who you are actually with.

Close your eyes to who she is, I'm serious, literally ignore her face or outside as that's all superficial.

Just go on her attitude, how sweetly she speaks to you, how supportive she is. How loving she is to you, how patient, how kind, how cooperative.

Those things are what will make it worthwhile for you to keep trying so hard to stay with this person.

If any of those things are lacking, then you really need to wake up and realize she is not worthwhile, she is no prize and all she is, is a headache.

You may have problems too, but if you're trying to work on them, trying to remain close to her, trying to talk things out with her, and she is rolling her eyes, dismissing you and your feelings, then I sincerely mean this...it's time to dump her and move on!

She sounds very toxic and she is keeping you in a bad place.

You cannot heal, or improve on your self esteem, self worth, with someone who treats you this way.

It's all connected, bad self esteem, low self worth, feeling frustration, depressed, low, her treating you badly, you feeling lost, alone, and it carries onto making your addictions worse.

Stop the cycle. She either works WITH you to make things better, or its time to close the chapter where she is any part of your life.

Right now, she is making things much worse for you.

Edited by SherrySher
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  • 3 months later...

You're not crazy, and you're not wrong.  And if your spider-senses were tingling about the video you saw (maybe something about it seemed like she was trying to make herself look attractive and fun to someone?), then I don't blame you.  People will have other opinions and yell at us both, but a person's health, marriage, and family are probably the three things that determine happiness the most.

Someday, she could be the person who picks our your nursing home, so you need to know who she is.  A little bit of surface-level snooping is worth it to try to verify that.

I'm not cheating, but sometimes I wish husband would see my Google searches.  Maybe he'd believe how much damage being married to him has caused and see that I'm reading and researching and trying to stop it.

I think people turn to internet searches and their library when they feel/think/know that trying to solve the problem with their spouse will make it worse.  Whether she's right or not, she already believes that the relationship she has with you is toxic.  I don't know if she's cheated yet, but she's almost certainly thinking about it.

If you want to stop and affair from happening, marriage counseling is the way to go. That's because you both need to express to each other what has been gone wrong. And you both need to believe or at least care about the other person's experience (even if you don't think they should feel that way). That is really hard to do without a trained referee. A counselor can help you not tear each other to bits, while reminding you to be truly curious and willing to resolve problems that will sound offensive, invalid, painful, and insulting to your ears.  A counselor can remind you that the intention of sharing this pain isn't to punish (at least it shouldn't be) but to repair and resolve.🌤️

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

OP, first of all I want to commend you for your ability to admit your problems. 

I really do feel for you. Addiction is an illness and one that is very hard to get out of.  I applaud you for your efforts.  Truly.  Keep going.  You can do it. Please be sure you have a support network of non-judgmental friends, perhaps a sponsor? or maybe some different online groups.   Extra support is so very important in this continuing journey of yours to stay clean. 

May I ask why you felt that need to snoop on your wife's things?  Did you get a sense that someone was wrong?  Has she been acting strange?  What prompted it, in other words. 

That being said, I think your wife is doing some very wrong things here.  She's clearly flirting with temptation, if she hasn't already given in.  

It a lot of what you wrote, I see a recurring theme- Your wife thinks she's better than you.  It sounds like your wife is done with you and at very minimum thinking about the possibility of not being with you. 

This is where she is wrong.  If she's extremely unhappy or can't handle being with someone who struggles with addiction, then she owes it to you to be honest with you about that.  What isn't fair is for her to stay with you and then treat you badly, be condescending, be mean, and act like she is far superior to you.  I don't care how beautiful she is, she's definitely got some ugliness in her. 

First and foremost, focus on yourself and think about the things you need to do to stay sober and help you keep up the good fight. Seek support wherever you can.  Again, being able to admit it and continuing to work is half the battle.  But you CAN DO IT!   Several people in my family were addicts and I desperately wish they had been able and willing to seek help.  So, please know that I genuinely feel for you and admire your strength to keep fighting thru it. 

As far as your wife goes, counseling can only do so much.  It isn't a magic band aid.  It's up to the people who go to continue the work on their own.  It sounds very much like for all her judging of you, she doesn't see herself as having anything to work on, which is toxic.  She may not be an addict, but that doesn't make her perfect.  When you are sober, perhaps seek out individual counseling or at the least (since you said money is an issue)-seek advice thru impartial parties- NOT family. 

It's possible this marriage has run its course.   No matter what you have done, no matter what you struggle with, you do NOT deserve to be disrespected.  Especially when you are trying hard to seek help and working on it. 

Very best of luck to you.  Sincerely. 

 

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