Am I paranoid or should I end things?

[Chad4572]

I started seeing this guy and it’s been pretty good from the start! We were consistently texting and seeing each other about 2x a week for the last month. During that time, we had established that we both liked for this to continue and we stopped talking to other people. Ive met his friends and he’s even told his mom about me, which I thought was a bit fast but we both felt similar so I went with it. Before he left on vacation, he asked if we were exclusive (mentioned bf/gf but I can’t remember exactly how the convo went) and said he wanted to know if “we were really doing this” before we both left for vacation. I said yes and left the date feeling happy but confused—are we exclusive like bf/gf or are we just dating? My problem is that I come a very complicated background and have major trust issues due to toxic relationships and emotionally unavailable parents. I’m working on these issues but I still get caught up in my feelings and whiles he’s been on vacation I feel like maybe things are starting to drift a part. Our texts have been few and far in between and it feels like I’m bugging him. We FaceTimed a few days ago for maybe 15mins (he’s not a big FT person) and though it was awkward I let him know it was really nice to see him and I appreciated the effort to which he responded that we needed to do more of those in the next few weeks while we’re away. But the texting now seems a little forced—I feel like I’m bugging him and I kinda feel like he’s losing interest in me (maybe bc of texting or just bc now we’re not near each other there’s no appeal? Idk). We’ll go 4-6hrs without a response and my attempts to flirt seem to fall flat and when I back track I’m afraid it comes off as passive aggressive and he gets annoyed. One night a texted me late saying he fell asleep on the couch, but I could tell he saw my Instagram stories I posted that night—I don’t care that he was on SM and not texting but the lie (it feels like a lie) sort of threw me off guard. Since things happened a little fast for us, I’m wondering if maybe now that we’re apart, he’s losing interest and slowly backing off. Some days it feels like I should just send him a text and say “hey it’s cool, we can call this off” and just be done with it but I’m afraid I’m making all these worried up in my head and that he’s fine with everything. I know there’s nothing I can do to make someone stay interest but I also don’t want to ruin a good thing if there’s nothing wrong. Am I being paranoid? 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, AH12 said:

Some days it feels like I should just send him a text and say “hey it’s cool, we can call this off” and just be done with it 

Try to relax. You barely know each other. All you need to do is step back and stop initiating.

 Don't send a pre-emptive strike that a that. Just realize on vacation people have other things to do. 

When you are together again pick things up where you left off. Things are going well.

Remember not to crowd or smother anyone. 

Have more confidence in yourself and look at things logically rather than through fear or worry.

[Batya33]

Please chill a bit. Maybe he briefly woke up and checked IG and doesn’t even remember.  Are you getting in your own  way - looking for things to go wrong ?  That’s not fair to someone interested in getting to know you 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, slow it down with your expectations. he is away on vacay.. Let him have his down time & low expectations from you.

You two had a talk before he left,  sounds like all was well.

Is no big deal that there's been no real communication in time span of 6 hours!

How about one good morning text and see IF he msg's you by bed time?  Even if it's only a cpl small msg's a day, is still something.

We need to try and NOT lose ourselves in a relationship, So, keep on doing what you did before you met up with him.... hang with your friends, get out there, do your own things.. We all need a life still, outside a relationship..  You don't want him to see you as too 'needy', but more as 'all is okay'.

Let things go as they are.... relax.  And let him do the same.

See how he seems when he returns. I feel he'll be okay soon after he's back.

 

[Lambert]

ok let's get one thing straight... texting is a horrible communication tool for anything but yes and no questions.

Try to keep yourself in check and just wait and see until he gets back. 

If you send some Dear John text, it will just create more problems.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and your trust issues.

If you're not exclusive it's ok. Do not date anyone else for a couple of weeks or whatever until you talk. It won't kill you and it won't solve anything either. 

If you're going to work on your trust issues, this is how you do it. You put yourself out there.  Outside your comfort zone.... if it blows up in your face, it's ok.

Sometimes people will let you down... but you have to give them a chance.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't trust.   And if they do let you down, trust yourself to know that you will be there for you. 

and don't forget to breath! ❤

 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, AH12 said:

Am I being paranoid? 

In this case, maybe. I am not the biggest fan of people who respond hours later, especially if its the cycle that keeps repeating. At todays age where everybody has their phone even when they go to bathroom, you certanly have time to respond even briefly that you cant talk right now and that you will send message or call later if you are that busy. However I think that due to trust issues you are asking for every confirmation how he cares for you. And that even a small hint of him not doing so just throws you away in a very bad way. To the point you want to call it quits because he didnt respond on time you wanted him to do. You cant act like that because it will drive you insane. And it will drove him away from you if he notices that kind of behavior. So dont do that. Dont put that much pressure on it, send a message and forget about it. He is on vacation, maybe going to beach and swimming, he will respond in time. Dont pressure him that much, if he wants he will message or call himself. When he comes back see what is the situation. I am pretty sure he is not that detached as you paint him, because he did asked to be exclusive and even told parent about you. 

[Rose Mosse]

Use the time to observe each other. There are some people who don't do well in relationships despite very much wanting someone at their side or someone to date or have (no self-awareness).

Just because he's showing you he's interested in dating you doesn't mean he's right for you in the long run. You will just have to be patient, wait and see and be observant. 

I don't think you are paranoid. Please don't dumb yourself down. But hold on any big judgments and no texts about problems. Date to see what the other person is like and only then after more time together, if you feel it's worth bringing up or the situation doesn't correct itself or improve such as your communication or intimacy, then mention it.

 

[smackie9]

Back off and let him come to you. The best thing to do is be busy and enjoy your time away from him. Post positive things like hanging out with friends, doing fun activities. To be less available is more desirable. The more you show independence, and confidence, the more attractive you will be to them. Clingy like vibes, insecurity, etc, is an interest killer. If this guy falls off the face of the earth, then tell yourself, so be it, there is better out there. That means placing yourself at a higher level of value over them. Like I always say date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. If you feel things are moving fast, it's possible they are going through the love bombing process..saying what you want to hear to the point it's seems too good to be true, and you know what they say about that.

[abitbroken]

If he said "are we really doing this?" it makes me think you were giving him mixed messages about your interest.

you talked about exclusive - and then ask if you are dating or are gf/bf in your mind.   Or if you didn't Being exclusive is being exclusive. it means you have paired off and are dating just eachother.  A boyfriend/girlfriend label comes over time.

 

[Chad4572]

These comments are helpful! The texts are still few and far between, and it will be another week before either of us can see each other F2F. I’m now on a last minute work trip and want to enjoy myself and not wonder if I’ll hear from him. I know “feelings are facts” but I just feel like this dating-thing is losing steam and though I really like him, I just can’t handle the inconsistent communication. When he does respond, he’s sweet and (sometimes) explains why he was MIA but I wonder if they’re excuses or if he feels obligated to msg. I like him, things were good, but if it’s over then it’s over and I would like to throw in the towel but I also would like to hang in and see if things get better once I get back from CA. Am I still paranoid? 

[greendots]

I'll be blunt.

1. Not everyone is keen to text whenever. Maybe texting is not his thing. Does he text friends or family members often?

2. Someone can text you 24/7, tell you how incredibly awesome you are all day. Means nothing. What matters is whether you guys are moving forward; in other words, he asks you on more dates, keeps his word and treats you with respect.

All the best!

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Chad4572 said:

 I just can’t handle the inconsistent communication. When he does respond, he’s sweet and (sometimes) explains why he was MIA but I wonder if they’re excuses or if he feels obligated to msg. 

Ok. Enjoy your trip. You'll have to reflect on text-tethering and how controlling and unhealthy that is.

You're creating your own catastrophic scenarios in your head.

That's not about him or dating.

Whatever happened before that makes you this anxious and self-defeated is something you may want to explore in therapy.

Dating this briefly and having this much worry and negativity could indicate, not paranoia, but depression, anxiety and overall poor self respect.

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Chad4572 said:

I like him, things were good, but if it’s over then it’s over and I would like to throw in the towel but I also would like to hang in and see if things get better once I get back from CA.

But you dont have any indication that its over, he is still very much there. Just because he doesnt reciprocitate on the level you would like, doesnt mean he is not there. Again, wait for a week and then see when you see each other in person. And please dont put it under his nose how he should have messaged or called more. Be cheery and see how things are. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Chad4572 said:

These comments are helpful! The texts are still few and far between, and it will be another week before either of us can see each other F2F. I’m now on a last minute work trip and want to enjoy myself and not wonder if I’ll hear from him. I know “feelings are facts” but I just feel like this dating-thing is losing steam and though I really like him, I just can’t handle the inconsistent communication. When he does respond, he’s sweet and (sometimes) explains why he was MIA but I wonder if they’re excuses or if he feels obligated to msg. I like him, things were good, but if it’s over then it’s over and I would like to throw in the towel but I also would like to hang in and see if things get better once I get back from CA. Am I still paranoid? 

I would stop the irrelevant labeling with "paranoid" - if he makes a plan to see you and I thought he had then he is interested in dating you.  Full stop.  Whether or not he texts in between is irrelevant and don't read into it- you don't know him well enough and he's likely too busy to text back and forth.  But he's not too busy to make a plan with you and he did that, yes?

[Chad4572]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I would stop the irrelevant labeling with "paranoid" - if he makes a plan to see you and I thought he had then he is interested in dating you.  Full stop.  Whether or not he texts in between is irrelevant and don't read into it- you don't know him well enough and he's likely too busy to text back and forth.  But he's not too busy to make a plan with you and he did that, yes?

Nahh, we never made plans to see each other after this. He just asked if we were exclusively dating before he left. But you are right, do not know him well enough to make assumptions. 

[Andrina]

On 9/16/2021 at 3:04 PM, Chad4572 said:

My problem is that I come a very complicated background and have major trust issues due to toxic relationships and emotionally unavailable parents.

Yes, continue to work on ditching your emotional baggage, because you will sabotage any relationship you attempt if you don't.

It's like you're kind of questioning if you should bail now before your feelings deepen, thinking you're too weak to handle getting hurt if he loses interests and bails on you first.

Get it into your head that you won't get through life unscathed and only the tiniest of percentage of the population is immune to heartbreak. Every dating experience is a leap of faith. Maybe it'll work out, and maybe it won't. But have the mindset that whatever happens, you are strong enough to handle it and learn from it.

This vacation is but a tiny blip in in your journey as a new couple. Be patient and see how things go when he gets back. See if you get into a regular routine that you both are happy with. And then you have to get through the honeymoon period, which is normally 4 to 6 months, before you begin to really see the genuine person and will understand better who they are. Seeing if he makes you a priority, how he handles the stress of life, if he's faithful, financially responsible, etc.

Beginnings of relationships are heady, but also mixed with anxiety because there are so many unknowns. It's something you have to get through and there is no way around it. It's hard to be vulnerable, but the alternative is isolating yourself in a safe bubble, which has its own downside--loneliness.

The only control you have is being the best partner you can be, and choosing to date guys who lack red flags. And then you just have to wait and see over time if he's the type of guy who meets all of your main needs. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[lostandhurt]

Exactly how long have you been dating?

  Seems like you are jumping to a lot of conclusions and deciding how he feels for him.

I agree you appear to be insecure and needy at least in your thoughts on him being away.  Try and quell those thoughts and let things play out in real life once you two see each other.  This social media and text crap has ruined more relationships than video games and porn!

Relax and go about your business.  Stay busy and have fun on your trip and let him do the  same and when you guys see each other you can tell each other all about them.

Lost

[LaHermes]

11 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

This social media and text crap has ruined more relationships than video games and porn!

And that is the absolute truth, Lost!  

[boltnrun]

On 9/16/2021 at 5:28 PM, Kwothe28 said:

At todays age where everybody has their phone even when they go to bathroom,

I absolutely do not do this. Phone in the bathroom while pooping, gross! 

Six hours isn't that long. I'm sure you could find something to do in that time rather than constantly checking your phone. That doesn't sound fun or intriguing. What if he asks you what you've been up to? Do you want to have to say "obsessively checking my phone for messages from you"?

If you stop making messages from him your sole focus, when you do get a message it will be a nice surprise.

[Chad4572]

UPDATE: we did end up meeting up for an event yesterday night. His roommate came, we left early for food, and came back to my place where we basically ate then jumped each other bc of the two weeks apart. We both said we missed the other and he even asked if I told my family about him (I did) and he was like oooh they now know you have a bf—and we’ve never used labels. He stayed the night and it was all fine until he left in the morning and said “I’ll see you soon”—I’ve always been under the assumption this was guy talk for “I’m not interested but I’m trying to be nice”. And he said it at least twice. I’m trying schedule a session with my therapist to discuss my anxieties around this, but this is a bad sign right? He’s always made concrete plans before this. I get I’m too needy but I guess I’m trying to see if I can even talk to him about this and maybe get some answers or if I just need to take the L and let this fizzle. 

[Seraphim]

On 9/20/2021 at 10:45 AM, lostandhurt said:

Exactly how long have you been dating?

  Seems like you are jumping to a lot of conclusions and deciding how he feels for him.

I agree you appear to be insecure and needy at least in your thoughts on him being away.  Try and quell those thoughts and let things play out in real life once you two see each other.  This social media and text crap has ruined more relationships than video games and porn!

Relax and go about your business.  Stay busy and have fun on your trip and let him do the  same and when you guys see each other you can tell each other all about them.

Lost

I agree social media and texting will be the death of human kind. SPEAK IN PERSON. Choose local people to go out with. People were never meant to communicate this way . Very little of communication is just words. You can’t get what is fully meant through text. There’s facial expressions , vocal inflection etc etc. People were meant to communicate in person. 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Chad4572 said:

He stayed the night and it was all fine until he left in the morning and said “I’ll see you soon”. He’s always made concrete plans before this. 

Ok, it was the first time in the few weeks you've been seeing each other so try to relax.

It's still casual so "see you soon" neither means good nor bad. 

Wait until he contacts you, try not to panic. He's not these people from your past so try to judge each person for themselves.

You barely know each other so  "He's always....before" is a premature determination because you haven't dated long enough to be in sync or have set patterns of communication or dating.

Yes, work on the anxiety with the therapist, but outside the office, you'll need to have confidence and faith in yourself and in others.

[Lambert]

27 minutes ago, Chad4572 said:

I’ve always been under the assumption this was guy talk for “I’m not interested but I’m trying to be nice”. And he said it at least twice. 

Why are you using all these preconceived notions and assumptions that paint every person as the same?

Why are you jumping into bed with him, when you are clearly unsure and insecure? 

You seem to be focused on the negative narrative that feeds your insecurities to find or create problems. Rather than working on your communications with this guy to ensure you are on the same page.

You were needy and unsure in your original post. You had a good time with him in your update. But here you go again choosing to be needy and make yourself crazy.

Why are you doing this to yourself. If you're so nervous, so scared, so paranoid, stay single. don't date.

Work on accepting yourself. Knowing yourself and your needs so you're not so turned around at every interaction.

Geesh... what do you want a commited next date?  Then ASK HIM FOR IT! Stop being lead around and disappointed because you're not opening your mouth.

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Geesh... what do you want a commited next date?  Then ASK HIM FOR IT! Stop being lead around and disappointed because you're not opening your mouth.

I agree -the traditional dating ship has sailed -you're having him stay the night.

Do you really see the boyfriend/girlfriend thing as just a label? Or do you not think he means he wants to be exclusive with you?

[Chad4572]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree -the traditional dating ship has sailed -you're having him stay the night.

Do you really see the boyfriend/girlfriend thing as just a label? Or do you not think he means he wants to be exclusive with you?

We had a talk before we both left about being exclusive—not seeing other people and whatnot. I just had wondered if things had change. I meant to ask during the night but it was also the first time back. I didn’t want to bombard and I was also having a nice time. I wanted to ask him what he meant when he said boyfriend bc I was under the assumption he didn’t want labels bc the conversation before he said “I don’t me to put labels in anything but..”