My boyfriend slept with someone before we were official - but it’s more complicated than that

[i hate this]

Hello, I’m new here and quite nervous. 

Me and my boyfriend have been exclusive for just over two months now. We were seeing eachother for atleast a few months. He told me he liked me about a year prior but I told him no as I was currently in a 4 year relationship that I had been in since I was 15 (I am now 20) 

We remained friends, until something happened with my ex boyfriend. He was very abusive and controlling to me and had been for 2-3 years. Long story short, he hit me with a car & I sustained injury’s so bad I couldn’t walk or sleep & bathe comfortably for the best part of 2 months. When this happened, my current boyfriend (who I was friends with at the time) was there for my every need more than any of my friends were. I don’t think I would still be here if it wasn’t for him and one other family friend that helped me through it, although I did not take advantage of his help, I opened up to him about what had happened to me. I knew he still had feelings for me and told him I’d like to remain friends for the time being and take things very very slow. He agreed to this. We were always very close and got along very well, one day there was just this spark and we started seeing eachother properly. 

Now to the important part, 

around 3 week before we became official I found out he has been sleeping with another girl. Despite denying this and lying about it to me when I asked stating they were “just best friends” which I believed as they had been for years. When I confronted him about this he denied it with a very sad and concerned face until I showed him evidence that I knew. He then admitted it and started apologising stating he never told me as he didn’t want to loose me. He told me times where he wanted to tell me but never did as he knew I would of walked away. He told me he never had feelings for the girl and had no idea why it happened and told me it was a genuine mistake and it started when they were drunk one night. I also asked him that if I didn’t find out would he have told me? He said no as per the same reasons I mentioned earlier. My only concern is that it crosses over when we were taking things seriously. Although it did stop a few days after. (E.g. my sisters birthday might out, he picked us up from Chester which is around 45 mins from where we live. Then came out round the clubs in our local town, we then carried on the party back to my house. A few people stayed over but I wanted to be with him so me and him alone ended up going back to his (which conveniently is around a 3 minute walk from mine). I wanted to stay the night but when we got there he immediately just seemed like he wanted to have sex, which I’m guessing because he was drunk and attracted to me. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable and he walked me home. He ended ip meeting a few of his friends which were still out and partied on well into the next day. That night he had her round to his house) He used to tell said girl how much he liked me and used to get excited telling her that he was seeing me. He always told her it was just friends and he didn’t like her in that way and she agreed but as a girl, you kind of always know how another girl feels. A few of her friends told me on a night out that she was obsessed with him, she seemed to be jealous of how he felt towards me & they told her from the start not to go there and they indicated she knew she what was getting into from the beginning as he told her he didn’t like her like that. Not to be rude, as I would admit if she was but she’s not very attractive. Or very conveniently attractive. We are complete opposites. I know he loves me, he still gets upset about it now. A few days ago, when we were in bed falling asleep he cried to me about it and told me he hates himself for what he did. I’m trying to move past it and I’m doing well but sometimes it just creeps back in my mind. I can honestly see a long and happy future with him. I just don’t know how to move past this. I’m not sure whether it’s because he is the only person I ever trusted not to hurt me. 
 

He puts in so much effort to the relationship and continues to show me what real love is every single day. He treats me like a princess and makes me extremely happy. I just need a strangers opinion on this as my friends are useless. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, i hate this said:

Long story short, he hit me with a car & I sustained injury’s so bad I couldn’t walk or sleep & bathe comfortably for the best part of 2 months.

Sorry this happened. Were the police involved? You got together with your BF at a very bad time.

 It's unclear if he was sleeping with both of you at the same time and telling each of you "you're just friend".

 It may be time to reflect on jumping into this guys arms  at a very bad time, his lies and crocodile tears.

[Kwothe28]

48 minutes ago, i hate this said:

He told me he never had feelings for the girl and had no idea why it happened and told me it was a genuine mistake and it started when they were drunk one night.

Its not really that much of a mystery why it happened from your story about that night. He got drunk, you didnt "put up" so he went to the next convinient thing, the girl who he knew it would as she has a thing for him. Ask yourself if he really is a "good guy", especially because he would never told you about it if you havent found out yourself. And straight up lied to you when you confronted him about it until you presented evidence. 

[boltnrun]

He doesn't like her "that way" and he doesn't find her attractive but he had sex with her anyway knowing she has feelings for him, because you wouldn't have sex with him. He was drunk and horny and wanted to get laid so he called her.

Sounds like he did it more than once, too.

Does this sound like a quality individual to you?

BTW, it wasn't a "mistake". He had sex with her on purpose. Especially since it happened more than one time.

[DarkCh0c0]

@boltnrun what boltnrun said.

Don't fall for his crocodile tears. You're smarter than this. He knew what he was doing and did it anyways.

It wasn't nothing and you're right to be upset. Trust has been broken and it's a good time to part ways and be single for a while.

Some men prey on women who have just come out of a relationship as they are vulnerable and they make them feel as heros (plus, the sex). That's how they are. Your man does not sound like partner material.

[SooSad33]

I agree with Dark ^ .

You two are still so young.. You were not 'available' and his 'needs' were present, so he slept with her.

But, this stuff happens, all the time.

Sadly, it is affecting you.. ( sounds a little like my first ex- who was involved - short term- with my friend.. before i dated him).. Yah, it kinda affected me for a good while 😕 .

Maybe it is best you just sit back a while and not get involved / or have any expectations.

Do you truly feel you are over your last (abusive) long term relationship? Or do you maybe just need some real down time for now, on your own?

Do not just accept someone because they are there... or you are lonely. ( YOU need to know what it is you want and deserve).

I feel, if  this does not sit well with you, then just get out of it all.... and actually find a decent guy out there, a little further than 3 doors down &  not a 'friend'.

 

[Batya33]

It's not rude to compare your looks to hers to strangers (just like it wouldn't be rude for me to point out that she's not not "conveniently" attractive -she's not "conventionally" attractive according to you - I'm sure you were just typing fast and made a mistake just like you hope he just made a mistake when he chose to get drunk and have sex with her) but it's foolish on your part to tell yourself stories about how you don't need to worry since you beat her out in the looks department and you're complete opposites. 

This person who loves you is a person who chooses to get drunk and chooses to have sex with someone else because he's horny and you said no.  (Yes, people who get drunk choose the consequences of getting drunk -IMHO no they don't get a pass).  When he was sober he chose to lie to you even though you actually could have been risking STDs if you two discussed, before having sex, your test status/recent sexual activity).

What does treating you like a princess mean? Why do you like being treated like a princess?  Seems to me it's a reaction to your past relationship - you were abused and I'm so sorry but now you're trying to find men who "treat you like a princess" -how about just treating you with care and kindness and respect.  Do you treat him like a prince?  My sense is you weren't ready to be with this person and loved the attention he showered on you and how he showed up to be supportive after you were a victim of abuse.  That's wonderful and that doesn't mean you two belong together.

Sure he has loving feelings for you - but he doesn't act in a loyal or trustworthy way.  That's not too attractive.  

[Rose Mosse]

I wouldn't hesitate to stop seeing this person completely. A man who leaves another woman upset like that is a warning sign. He's burning a lot of bridges and doesn't care what others feel at his own expense. Look at what he did to her and her reaction and look at your own response to his actions. Press pause at the very least. 

It's difficult to let go of someone who shows you some form of kindness and affection because you don't have any other point of reference. He may be 50% there but he's not exactly it. Even he deserves to eventually find someone who accepts him for all his flaws but it doesn't have to be you and not on this particular timeline or series of events. 

[decibelx]

You were vulnerable after a break up, open to rebound sex and he just saw his in. This guy doesn't sound all that trustworthy from what you're describing to us. I wouldn't put too much faith in anything he says.

[smackie9]

He has no self control, and lies. I agree he only thinks about himself and not how it affects others.

Hey it's up to you if you believe in him.

[Lambert]

If you stay with him, he will do more things like this and it will hurt more.

He's really immature. He does whatever he wants & is sorry when caught. These are admirable qualities. NOT. 

if you forgive him, he'll know you put him before yourself. 

Do you think having been in one relationship and it being an abusive relationship, you're not really sure what a good one is? Or that your own self esteem is low?

A great person is a great person all the time.  They have integrity and morales. They don't use people for sex or play on their emotions. 

He's very manipulative. Don't think this wasn't all very orchestrated.  Being a comforting friend when you had a boyfriend. Being a help when you were hurt. He knows what he is doing. 

I would tell this guy,  I'll always appreciate how he helped me when I was down, but this isn't going to work out.

You need to listen to that nagging feeling... that's you screaming at you to do what's best for you! 

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, i hate this said:

I’m not sure whether it’s because he is the only person I ever trusted not to hurt me. 

This statement by itself shows that you are nowhere near being ready to enter into another romance. You have emotional baggage and are too vulnerable to recognize and choose a mentally healthy man. Geez, you've been serious with someone four of your teen years and a year beyond. Don't you want a break from being part of a duo and find out who you are without a man? Take the time to find a fulfilling life without a man for now. Enjoy some freedom as a single woman. You have plenty of time to settle down again later, when you're mentally ready. 

6 hours ago, i hate this said:

I just need a strangers opinion on this as my friends are useless. 

Let me take a wild guess. You think your friends are useless because they see the opposite of all the good traits you're seeing in him. Why can't you see what other posters have mentioned about him being intimate with his best friend, knowing this would emotionally hurt her? Plus, the fact that he called her his best friend means they probably still hang out and communicate. That wouldn't fly for me once that boundary has been crossed. It sounds like getting drunk is quite common for him. Just so you know, not every guy your age does this. You might have better luck in the future dating men who have hobbies that don't involve regular partying and getting drunk.

Look after yourself for now without the stress a man, especially one with poor ethics like him, can bring to your life. It's nice to have a support system but if you've never figured out how to be independent and care for yourself, you'll continue playing the part of easy prey for predators.

[HeartGoesOn]

Knowing what you knew before sleeping with him, I'm assuming  you were both tested for STDs before doing the deed?   Time to raise your value, don't ya think?

[Tinydance]

Could you just elaborate, how long was he sleeping with that girl? He said it was "just a mistake" but how long did he actually sleep with her, like how many times? It came across from your post that he actually slept with this girl on an ongoing basis at the same time as dating and sleeping with you for a few months, and this even crossed over into when you were actually official. Did I understand that correctly?

If he was sleeping with that girl on an ongoing basis then how can it be a mistake? Maybe once when he was drunk it could be a mistake, but not if it was going for a while. Personally I don't think your boyfriend truly loves you or can be trusted. I think he's a player to be honest. If he loved you and was dating you and sleeping with you, why did he actually need the other girl? I understand you weren't official but what was the reason? If she's not attractive and he doesn't even like her, it's obvious he was using her for sex? And he knew she liked him but he didn't care. He actually doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. He's telling you everything you want to hear, but look at his actions.

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, i hate this said:

she’s not very attractive. Or very conveniently attractive.

He obviously finds her attractive, or he wouldn't have sex with her. And it wasn't a mistake. Let's just be real here. 

That aside, this is not a good guy. You're view is clouded because you like him, but he's bad news. Sorry, girl. 

[i hate this]

13 hours ago, Andrina said:

This statement by itself shows that you are nowhere near being ready to enter into another romance. You have emotional baggage and are too vulnerable to recognize and choose a mentally healthy man. Geez, you've been serious with someone four of your teen years and a year beyond. Don't you want a break from being part of a duo and find out who you are without a man? Take the time to find a fulfilling life without a man for now. Enjoy some freedom as a single woman. You have plenty of time to settle down again later, when you're mentally ready. 

Let me take a wild guess. You think your friends are useless because they see the opposite of all the good traits you're seeing in him. Why can't you see what other posters have mentioned about him being intimate with his best friend, knowing this would emotionally hurt her? Plus, the fact that he called her his best friend means they probably still hang out and communicate. That wouldn't fly for me once that boundary has been crossed. It sounds like getting drunk is quite common for him. Just so you know, not every guy your age does this. You might have better luck in the future dating men who have hobbies that don't involve regular partying and getting drunk.

Look after yourself for now without the stress a man, especially one with poor ethics like him, can bring to your life. It's nice to have a support system but if you've never figured out how to be independent and care for yourself, you'll continue playing the part of easy prey for predators.

No. I say my friends are useless bc they never bother with me. They actually tell me he’s good for me. But yeah, my friends and ***. They don’t want anything to do with me unless they can’t make plans with anyone else. 

[i hate this]

I also had around an 11 month break from my ex boyfriend where I found who I was and completely changed. Him running me over was a result of because he didn’t like who I am now when we tried to make things work again. 

[Honeycomb8]

He lied to you, sexually overlapped you with another girl, lied to you some more. Slept with her cos you didn't want to. Lied to you some more. 

He's NOT a good guy. I don't think you should continue with him. 

[Honeycomb8]

16 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He has no self control, and lies. I agree he only thinks about himself and not how it affects others.

Hey it's up to you if you believe in him.

Yip he has no moral compass. This guy is going to continue to hurt you in the future. :/...

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, i hate this said:

Him running me over was a result of because he didn’t like...

Is he in jail for this? Were the police involved? Were you hospitalized? 

Make sure that someone is good on their own merit, not just compared to this abusive maniac.

 

[abitbroken]

7 hours ago, i hate this said:

No. I say my friends are useless bc they never bother with me. They actually tell me he’s good for me. But yeah, my friends and ***. They don’t want anything to do with me unless they can’t make plans with anyone else. 

They say he's good for you because then they are off the hook from listening to you and spending time with you.

[abitbroken]

On 9/8/2021 at 1:10 PM, Batya33 said:

It's not rude to compare your looks to hers to strangers (just like it wouldn't be rude for me to point out that she's not not "conveniently" attractive -she's not "conventionally" attractive according to you - I'm sure you were just typing fast and made a mistake just like you hope he just made a mistake when he chose to get drunk and have sex with her) but it's foolish on your part to tell yourself stories about how you don't need to worry since you beat her out in the looks department and you're complete opposites. 

 

Look at all the supermodels who have their boyfriends and husbands cheat on them.  Was the other woman more attractive?  99% of the time -- nope.   Most of the time, the other woman is a quite ordinary looking woman.  Its Nooooot about looks. 

[Honeycomb8]

Cheating has nothing to do with looks. It speaks only of the other person and their issues. 

[i hate this]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he in jail for this? Were the police involved? Were you hospitalized? 

Make sure that someone is good on their own merit, not just compared to this abusive maniac.

 

Ongoing investigation. Waiting for it to come back and go to court.

 

He’s more that good to me. He goes above and beyond. He’s helps me with a lot of things. Good and bad. 

[i hate this]

26 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

Cheating has nothing to do with looks. It speaks only of the other person and their issues. 

I wouldn’t call it cheating this is why I’m not sure what to do