My boyfriend slept with someone before we were official - but it’s more complicated than that

[i hate this]

2 hours ago, abitbroken said:

Look at all the supermodels who have their boyfriends and husbands cheat on them.  Was the other woman more attractive?  99% of the time -- nope.   Most of the time, the other woman is a quite ordinary looking woman.  Its Nooooot about looks. 

I’m not talking about looks. I was just stating we are opposites. Yes he may have had a connection with this girl but he knew her 3/4 years longer than he’s known me. When I’m with him it feels like time stops and there’s no one else in the moment but us. 

[Honeycomb8]

Ignoreeee

Edited September 9, 2021 by Honeycomb8

[i hate this]

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He obviously finds her attractive, or he wouldn't have sex with her. And it wasn't a mistake. Let's just be real here. 

That aside, this is not a good guy. You're view is clouded because you like him, but he's bad news. Sorry, girl. 

I don’t think in this day and age all men, especially young ones have sex with girls they find attractive. 

[Honeycomb8]

5 minutes ago, i hate this said:

I’m not talking about looks. I was just stating we are opposites. Yes he may have had a connection with this girl but he knew her 3/4 years longer than he’s known me. When I’m with him it feels like time stops and there’s no one else in the moment but us. 

So? It doesn't matter. He lied and disrespected you repeatedly. Also he cheated on you. If he overlapped you when you guys got together. 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, i hate this said:

I’m not talking about looks. I was just stating we are opposites. Yes he may have had a connection with this girl but he knew her 3/4 years longer than he’s known me. When I’m with him it feels like time stops and there’s no one else in the moment but us. 

Yes those cloud nine feelings are awesome.  And back down on the ground you now know his values justify choosing to get drunk and choosing to have casual sex.  You were talking about looks -you wrote in your original post that she is not attractive, and also opposite from you.  Him knowing her longer than you has nothing to do with his choice to get drunk and have casual sex with her.  

So you can choose to focus on the "in the moment" feelings especially because given what he chose to do you don't have any real basis to think that in the next moment -especially if you're not in the mood to have sex - he will choose to pursue sex elsewhere.  So in the moment time will stop and you two will be the only ones in the world.  The next day or week you'll find out that there was someone else in the world- someone he tried to hook up with or did hook up with.

[LotusBlack]

13 hours ago, i hate this said:

I don’t think in this day and age all men, especially young ones have sex with girls they find attractive. 

If your argument is that she is unattractive and he chose to have sex with her then this actually makes him even worse than if he were to at least find her attractive and have sex. At least then he’d have felt a draw to her physically, if nothing else. If he doesn’t find her attractive but still had sex with her then that reduces a woman whom he calls his best friend (so should at the very least feel a great deal of respect and consideration for her) to nothing but a piece of meat with which he can gratify himself. It’s disgusting. 

The truth is, he likely DOES find her attractive, even if by your assessment she isn’t. You have no idea what different people are attracted to and people can find more than one style or thing attractive. The fact of the matter is, he found her attractive enough to have sex with her, drunk or not. 
 

Edited September 10, 2021 by LotusBlack

[boltnrun]

Sounds like you want to stay with him and you are defending his lies and his poor behavior.

If you're totally fine with what he did and with him lying about it, why did you post about it? You don't need Internet strangers to give you permission to ignore his lies and stay with him.

[Tinydance]

I think that if you don't see too much of an issue that he was sleeping with that girl because  "you weren't official", then of course that's your choice. I understand if you're not official then obviously technically he could see other people. Although you did say that some of the time that he was sleeping with her actually was when you were official. 

What I was trying to point out wasn't whether it was official or not, but rather your boyfriend's level of interest in you and your relationship. Normally when someone really likes or loves someone, especially in early dating their focus and infatuation is only on the person they're dating. If that person starts sleeping with someone else even though they're already dating for a few months, I don't think they're actually that committed. Especially because your boyfriend claims he's not even into her and "it was a mistake". So why do it then? So what I think all this shows is that your boyfriend either isn't that into you, he's just a horndog who only cares about himself, or both of those things.

[Usa1ah]

I am going against the grain. 
 

OP, you said it yourself. The two of you were not official yet. You were seeing each other but not officially dating. 
 

Did he sleep with this girl after the two of you officially started dating?

If not then as I have been told so many times by others, it isn’t cheating. They two of you were only seeing one another. 
 

The lying about it was wrong. This is something the two of you need to talk about. I don’t believe in lying to protect someone’s feelings or anything else in a relationship. There are those that say it’s ok to lie at times, I am not one of them. There are those that tell a cheater to lie to the betrayed SO to protect they betrayed’s feelings and so they don’t hurt them. 

If you stay in the relationship set the ground rules. One should be no lying. 
 

He was wrong to lie about it. I can see why he would. He waited a long time to get a chance to date you and he doesn’t want it time end so soon, if ever. 
 

He did stand by you after you injuries along with the family friend when no one else really did. That says a lot about him as well. 
 

Do what you need to do. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Usa1ah said:

The lying about it was wrong. This is something the two of you need to talk about. I don’t believe in lying to protect someone’s feelings or anything else in a relationship. There are those that say it’s ok to lie at times, I am not one of them. There are those that tell a cheater to lie to the betrayed SO to protect they betrayed’s feelings and so they don’t hurt them. 

If you stay in the relationship set the ground rules. One should be no lying. 
 

He was wrong to lie about it. I can see why he would. He waited a long time to get a chance to date you and he doesn’t want it time end so soon, if ever. 

I'm a fan of lying to protect someone's feelings as in not blurting out "yes you look fat in that outfit" to "tell me the truth...." This is different -this involved her health and also his values -she gets to decide whether she's ok being with someone who chooses to get drunk and chooses to have sex with a person as a second choice after his first choice declines - certainly he was single as was his sex partner but the way it happened including drunken sex -some would be totally fine with that -I know people have casual sex when drunk of course -but she gets to decide whether that reflects his values, standards, common sense and she gets to decide whether she needs an STD test.

Edited September 12, 2021 by Batya33

[abitbroken]

On 9/9/2021 at 6:16 PM, i hate this said:

I’m not talking about looks. I was just stating we are opposites. Yes he may have had a connection with this girl but he knew her 3/4 years longer than he’s known me. When I’m with him it feels like time stops and there’s no one else in the moment but us. 

You indicated that you have nothing to worry about because you are way more attractive than her.  So right, its not about looks. Because you see yourself as more attractive does not mean that your good looks means that he is not interested in her.  "time stops when i am with you" is a really big load of crap and you are buying it.  "the world stopped when i saw you from across the room"  soo many schmoozey lines.  usually "he told me he loooooved me so he doesn't mean anything.." If you believe that, then i have a bridge to sell you...

Edited September 13, 2021 by abitbroken

[Sonneblom]

On 9/8/2021 at 5:24 PM, i hate this said:

Hello, I’m new here and quite nervous. 

Me and my boyfriend have been exclusive for just over two months now. We were seeing eachother for atleast a few months. He told me he liked me about a year prior but I told him no as I was currently in a 4 year relationship that I had been in since I was 15 (I am now 20) 

We remained friends, until something happened with my ex boyfriend. He was very abusive and controlling to me and had been for 2-3 years. Long story short, he hit me with a car & I sustained injury’s so bad I couldn’t walk or sleep & bathe comfortably for the best part of 2 months. When this happened, my current boyfriend (who I was friends with at the time) was there for my every need more than any of my friends were. I don’t think I would still be here if it wasn’t for him and one other family friend that helped me through it, although I did not take advantage of his help, I opened up to him about what had happened to me. I knew he still had feelings for me and told him I’d like to remain friends for the time being and take things very very slow. He agreed to this. We were always very close and got along very well, one day there was just this spark and we started seeing eachother properly. 

Now to the important part, 

around 3 week before we became official I found out he has been sleeping with another girl. Despite denying this and lying about it to me when I asked stating they were “just best friends” which I believed as they had been for years. When I confronted him about this he denied it with a very sad and concerned face until I showed him evidence that I knew. He then admitted it and started apologising stating he never told me as he didn’t want to loose me. He told me times where he wanted to tell me but never did as he knew I would of walked away. He told me he never had feelings for the girl and had no idea why it happened and told me it was a genuine mistake and it started when they were drunk one night. I also asked him that if I didn’t find out would he have told me? He said no as per the same reasons I mentioned earlier. My only concern is that it crosses over when we were taking things seriously. Although it did stop a few days after. (E.g. my sisters birthday might out, he picked us up from Chester which is around 45 mins from where we live. Then came out round the clubs in our local town, we then carried on the party back to my house. A few people stayed over but I wanted to be with him so me and him alone ended up going back to his (which conveniently is around a 3 minute walk from mine). I wanted to stay the night but when we got there he immediately just seemed like he wanted to have sex, which I’m guessing because he was drunk and attracted to me. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable and he walked me home. He ended ip meeting a few of his friends which were still out and partied on well into the next day. That night he had her round to his house) He used to tell said girl how much he liked me and used to get excited telling her that he was seeing me. He always told her it was just friends and he didn’t like her in that way and she agreed but as a girl, you kind of always know how another girl feels. A few of her friends told me on a night out that she was obsessed with him, she seemed to be jealous of how he felt towards me & they told her from the start not to go there and they indicated she knew she what was getting into from the beginning as he told her he didn’t like her like that. Not to be rude, as I would admit if she was but she’s not very attractive. Or very conveniently attractive. We are complete opposites. I know he loves me, he still gets upset about it now. A few days ago, when we were in bed falling asleep he cried to me about it and told me he hates himself for what he did. I’m trying to move past it and I’m doing well but sometimes it just creeps back in my mind. I can honestly see a long and happy future with him. I just don’t know how to move past this. I’m not sure whether it’s because he is the only person I ever trusted not to hurt me. 
 

He puts in so much effort to the relationship and continues to show me what real love is every single day. He treats me like a princess and makes me extremely happy. I just need a strangers opinion on this as my friends are useless. 

Hi there, I think the fact that you keep on thinking about it tells you that you are not over it and are unlikely to get over it. Your boyfiend seems like a very manipulative person, what with his crocodile tears and all. I know you think,you are happy but are you really? Also, i think it would have been fine if he was sleeping with her before you two happened, but the fact that he kept on with it and lied about it tells me that he is not going to stop anytime soon. He will keep at it until you leave him, because he does not respect your presence in his life.

[i hate this]

On 9/12/2021 at 11:53 AM, Usa1ah said:

I am going against the grain. 
 

OP, you said it yourself. The two of you were not official yet. You were seeing each other but not officially dating. 
 

Did he sleep with this girl after the two of you officially started dating?

If not then as I have been told so many times by others, it isn’t cheating. They two of you were only seeing one another. 
 

The lying about it was wrong. This is something the two of you need to talk about. I don’t believe in lying to protect someone’s feelings or anything else in a relationship. There are those that say it’s ok to lie at times, I am not one of them. There are those that tell a cheater to lie to the betrayed SO to protect they betrayed’s feelings and so they don’t hurt them. 

If you stay in the relationship set the ground rules. One should be no lying. 
 

He was wrong to lie about it. I can see why he would. He waited a long time to get a chance to date you and he doesn’t want it time end so soon, if ever. 
 

He did stand by you after you injuries along with the family friend when no one else really did. That says a lot about him as well. 
 

Do what you need to do. 

He didn’t sleep with her after I changed my mind about wanting to be friends. I can recall there was around 2 times we had met up where I really put an effort in, that’s when I realised I had started to have interest in him. When I told him this, he completely cut off the other girl in any sexual manor, told her that things were getting serious between us. When I found out they slept together, I did tell them both I didn’t mind them still being friends but they couldn’t be as close as they were (which I think is a given). She did back off but he still didn’t like the terms and told her he thought it be best if him and her weren’t friends at all. 

 

To this day, I find him quite upset some days and ask him what’s wrong and he tells me how much he hates himself for doing it and that he doesn’t deserve me. I do think he beats himself up about it, although I still have stern feelings about it I comfort him but not to the point where he thinks that I’m over it and it’s okay that he did it. 

 

I also don’t agree it was cheating, my original post was more of a , how do I cope/work my way through it kind of question. I think people calling him all sorts of names is rude, he is genuinely a nice person. I’ve never had a boyfriend that gets on with my family and friends as much as he does, he bothers with them and offers to help them all out too when needed. 

It’s just a very confusing situation for me, I have set ground rules about no lying. If I have any concerns or questions (as you do in new relationships) they are all answered with honest and straight forward answers. 

[i hate this]

On 9/14/2021 at 12:46 PM, Sonneblom said:

Hi there, I think the fact that you keep on thinking about it tells you that you are not over it and are unlikely to get over it. Your boyfiend seems like a very manipulative person, what with his crocodile tears and all. I know you think,you are happy but are you really? Also, i think it would have been fine if he was sleeping with her before you two happened, but the fact that he kept on with it and lied about it tells me that he is not going to stop anytime soon. He will keep at it until you leave him, because he does not respect your presence in his life.

There was around 2 times of me meeting him for a drive or a walk before I told him I wanted to go serious, which in that moment he stopped seeing her and sleeping with her. I just replied to another comment with more details of this. I think it’s very odd for you to call someone you don’t know manipulative. 

 

Yes, I am really happy. 

[i hate this]

On 9/13/2021 at 4:11 PM, abitbroken said:

You indicated that you have nothing to worry about because you are way more attractive than her.  So right, its not about looks. Because you see yourself as more attractive does not mean that your good looks means that he is not interested in her.  "time stops when i am with you" is a really big load of crap and you are buying it.  "the world stopped when i saw you from across the room"  soo many schmoozey lines.  usually "he told me he loooooved me so he doesn't mean anything.." If you believe that, then i have a bridge to sell you...

I think you are confused? I never ever said I am more good looking than her. I said we are completely opposites, meaning different hair colour, body, personality type. I think you have misinterpreted my comment. 

 

Also, he never said those things to me? I said them to try and give you more of an insight of how I feel when I’m with him. Maybe you’ve never felt this way so you can’t understand. 

Please re read my comments before commenting back as I think we are having 2 completely different conversations 

[i hate this]

On 9/11/2021 at 4:06 PM, Tinydance said:

I think that if you don't see too much of an issue that he was sleeping with that girl because  "you weren't official", then of course that's your choice. I understand if you're not official then obviously technically he could see other people. Although you did say that some of the time that he was sleeping with her actually was when you were official. 

What I was trying to point out wasn't whether it was official or not, but rather your boyfriend's level of interest in you and your relationship. Normally when someone really likes or loves someone, especially in early dating their focus and infatuation is only on the person they're dating. If that person starts sleeping with someone else even though they're already dating for a few months, I don't think they're actually that committed. Especially because your boyfriend claims he's not even into her and "it was a mistake". So why do it then? So what I think all this shows is that your boyfriend either isn't that into you, he's just a horndog who only cares about himself, or both of those things.

I do think he was just wanting to feel something, he is quite emotional. I think he genuinely didn’t know where it was going with me, but then again I also agree if it was a mistake why do it again. I don’t know how someone could make a mistake multiple times 

 

 

It never happened when we were official, hence why I never called it cheating. There was a cross over of about two “dates” with me and him, if you can call them that, where I said I would like to start seeing him properly. In time he was still friendly with her but after I told him how I felt, he declined any advance by her. She knew he liked me and had for a while. I do realise now he was stringing her along, but sometimes it’s not as obvious to a male. Especially considering she had told him she had broken up with her boyfriend (which she hadn’t) whilst they were involved. I think she’s had feelings for him for a while but never told him, which isn’t really his fault I suppose. 

[i hate this]

On 9/9/2021 at 11:17 PM, Honeycomb8 said:

So? It doesn't matter. He lied and disrespected you repeatedly. Also he cheated on you. If he overlapped you when you guys got together. 

Don’t know how many times i’ve said this, not when we got together. Hence why I’ve never called it cheating in any of my posts. We used to be friends, go out as friends blah blah blah. Until there was around 2/3 times where I really started making an effort with how I looked and starting to get nervous when seeing him. I started to realised I had interest in him so told him this and he declined any advance from this girl from that moment. 

 

When I found out, I didn’t mind them remaining friends as it was happening with them for atleast a month before I told him how I felt. I’ve seen the messages between them and they both agreed it was a strict FWB (obviously not for the girl but she never told him or showed him this, she also had a boyfriend at the time but told him they have finished). I think if she had admitted how she felt it would be different yes, anyway… she backed off as I did have a talk with her and she told me to give him a chance as she knew how much he was interested in me. He told her, without me knowing that even though I didn’t mind them being friends (with boundaries) that he didn’t want to be. 

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, i hate this said:

I do realise now he was stringing her along, but sometimes it’s not as obvious to a male

Really? You really believe he had no idea he used her for sex when he was drunk and horny? And other times as well?

So from what I can tell from all your posts defending him, this is not a problem and you're fine with him lying to you about it. Even though you claim lying is unacceptable to you, you're still totally OK with it.

In that case, good luck and hope it's the relationship you've always dreamed of.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So from what I can tell from all your posts defending him, this is not a problem and you're fine with him lying to you about it. Even though you claim lying is unacceptable to you, you're still totally OK with it.

In that case, good luck and hope it's the relationship you've always dreamed of.

I echo ^

So he was dating your and her at the same time? And you had to tell him you wanted to be official so that he stopped talking to her? But he's upset about it?! (So there's more going on there btw)

AND he's slept with a girl who HAS a BF?!

And then he lies to you all about it?

But that's okay. He's a good guy. You see the good in him and choose to push under the rug aaaall the red flags.

Good luck indeed. Take our sincere advice with a grain of salt and keep ignoring your healthy needs and gut feelings that got you to post here in the first place.

Edited September 15, 2021 by DarkCh0c0

[Batya33]

On 9/8/2021 at 11:24 AM, i hate this said:

 Not to be rude, as I would admit if she was but she’s not very attractive. Or very conveniently attractive. We are complete opposites. 

That is what you wrote which seems to me to be you saying you know it's rude to comment negatively on her looks and then you say you are complete opposites which means she is not attractive or "conventionally" attractive (interesting typo!) - and you are opposite - you are attractive so why would he have sex with her.  

[FranCeen]

Yeah dump him

[i hate this]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Really? You really believe he had no idea he used her for sex when he was drunk and horny? And other times as well?

So from what I can tell from all your posts defending him, this is not a problem and you're fine with him lying to you about it. Even though you claim lying is unacceptable to you, you're still totally OK with it.

In that case, good luck and hope it's the relationship you've always dreamed of.

 

3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I echo ^

So he was dating your and her at the same time? And you had to tell him you wanted to be official so that he stopped talking to her? But he's upset about it?! (So there's more going on there btw)

AND he's slept with a girl who HAS a BF?!

And then he lies to you all about it?

But that's okay. He's a good guy. You see the good in him and choose to push under the rug aaaall the red flags.

Good luck indeed. Take our sincere advice with a grain of salt and keep ignoring your healthy needs and gut feelings that got you to post here in the first place.

Christ you both sound hurt & aren’t able to read posts correctly. 

 

Im sure I’ll have a lovely life, whether it be with this man or not. I never asked if strangers on the internet believe him or asked if I should break up with him. I wanted to know how to move on from it and stop thinking about it… but thank you!

Edited September 15, 2021 by i hate this

[DarkCh0c0]

20 minutes ago, i hate this said:

. I wanted to know how to move on from it and stop thinking about it… but thank you!

The thing is, what he did- the lying, denying, and sleeping with a cheater- tells you that you can't move on from this unless you want to overlook and ignore these red flags. These are huge red flags.

If you think someone who is an honourable partner material can do what he's done and get away with it, then by all means. Brush it off as if it was an incident from him, and then surely you'll be able to move on.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, i hate this said:

she also had a boyfriend at the time but told him they have finished

Aw, poor thing, he was deceived by her lol

OP, I dont have a problem that he cheated or not, you were not together, you rejected him. I have a problem that its not something that happened before when you were "just friends", and that he tried for sex, you rejected him, and somehow his first instict was to go to the most sure thing ever, the girl that he knew has a crush on him. That is not something that the good guy or the guy who really likes you would do. The fact that he didnt care about hurting you(because he did knew how you would react if he gets into relationship with you after, that is why he lied later) or her(who he used for sex because he knew she likes him) tells a lot about him. And then get into relationship with you and lie to you about it because "Oh, if you would found out you would break up with him". If you havent found out yourself, he would never tell you or feel guilty about it. Which should make you wonder if he really does feel guilty. Or even what else he is hiding from you that he thinks you shouldnt know because you wouldnt approve. Or even if you cant give it to him from some reason tomorrow(lets say you have a fight) if his first instict would be to go to her or somebody like her again. And yet, you just defend him. Even though it clearly bothers you too because if it doesnt you wouldnt write here. From who are you defending him? We are bunch of internet strangers, we have no stake in your relationship. Marry a guy as far as I am concern. But sometimes people are very blinded by the stuff that is going on. So bunch of internet strangers can at least give them a fresh perspective on stuff because, again, we are mostly impartial. You are bothered by it because you know what he did isnt really OK. To you, and to that other girl. But yet, because "oh its like time stops when I am with him" you choose to just find excuses for him. Then OK, as Bolt said, good luck. Just dont say afterward that nobody told you how he isnt really that great loving guy you think he is.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, i hate this said:

 

Christ you both sound hurt & aren’t able to read posts correctly. 

 

Im sure I’ll have a lovely life, whether it be with this man or not. I never asked if strangers on the internet believe him or asked if I should break up with him. I wanted to know how to move on from it and stop thinking about it… but thank you!

Sound hurt?  Can't read correctly?

You yourself said lying is unacceptable to you. Yet he lied and you defend him and want to stay with him.  So lying is totally acceptable after all.  Which is fine if that's what you choose for yourself.

Obviously if you can't stop thinking about his lies they do bother you.

The way to move on from lies is to not associate yourself with someone who chooses to lie.