Should I walk away? Do you think this girl is trustworthy given the following circumstances?

[Chelri]

*Apologies in advance for being long-winded*

Hi all, I have serious doubts over my girlfriend's loyalty... I love her very much and I even thought about proposing (she says she loves me and is awaiting eagerly the day I propose to her), but I'm hesitating due to her past, her behaviour, and that she lied to me twice about one of her ex's (she told me three different versions). I would appreciate your thoughts on this...

I'm a 29 (soon 30)-year-old man, I have only been in one relationship (that turned out to be a toxic 8-year hell for me) before meeting my girlfriend (26yo), who is a mother of two girls from her two most recent 'relationships' (you'll understand why I put inverted commas). We are now six months into our relationship.

My first doubts appeared when we asked each other 'that question', how many people we slept with and had sexual contact with before we met. My answer is simple, just one for both cases. She was very surprised with my sexual contact response, and said I was the fifth guy she slept with. However, on this occasion, and on one other occasion when I re-asked her the sexual contact question, she refused to answer or changed the subject immediately. In between all this, she admitted that she was 'very naughty' during her teens and early 20's. She also proudly admitted (without disclosing further details) that she did many 'dirty things' in lots of places like toilets, fitting rooms, cinemas, swimming pools, backs of cars, etc.

Another moment of doubt came from a random and innocent conversation with her and her mother. My girlfriend is fairly talkative normally, but froze and became completely silent when her mother said that she could not sleep with someone whom she does not have any feelings for (and I agreed with her mother as it is also the case for me).

Which brings me onto what she told me about two of her ex's. It's worth noting that first she was with her younger girl's father, then with her elder girl's father (and became pregnant by accident), and then going back with her younger girl's father (and became pregnant again but wasn't an accident) - before meeting me.

The first version she told me was that her elder girl's father was one of her best friends known for many years and they also had feelings for each other. Very quickly he proposed to her but she didn't feel ready. She then found out she was pregnant. They then decided to separate before she went back with her younger girl's father before giving birth.

The second version she told me was that her elder girl's father was one of her best friends known for many years (he had feelings but her not so much) and they 'tried' to be in a relationship as they were both single at that moment. Very quickly he proposed to her but she didn't feel ready. They then separated and she went back with her younger girl's father BEFORE finding out she was pregnant.

She told me this third version AFTER the awkward conversation with her and her mother - her elder girl's father was just a friend of a friend, they slept together after meeting up and got drunk one night. He had feelings for her, but she had none and kept him for a few months simply as 'someone to have sex with' until he proposed to her. She refused and went back with her younger girl's father BEFORE finding out she was pregnant.

On top of the these three different stories, she admitted that after going back with her younger girl's father, she twice secretly met up with her elder girl's father (who moved to a different country since their separation).

Between me and her, we've established that we should have nothing to hide from each other, and that includes things like our social networks. However, in the beginning of our relationship, I feel that she was very cunning with this. On a few occasions I've seen her meticulously looking through and removing some messages before coming up to me saying 'Look, I have nothing to hide'. This has stopped recently though.

Lastly, I have a suspicion that she may be still in love with her younger girl's father. They were supposed to get married in March 2020 (she left him for the second time because he cheated on her), however she kept her wedding dress hanging on her bedroom door until one month ago when she finally got rid of it, but only because 'it doesn't fit her anymore as she has put on weight since last year'. And she still has her engagement ring in her possession today!

And one final bombshell to all this, she is pregnant with my child. I really do love her but I'm scared of another disaster... this is seriously haunting my mind and my sleep. What do you think?

[SherrySher]

First of all, this woman will now have three different children from three different fathers.

That doesn't speak very highly of her and her decisions.

Secondly, if you've caught her in lies, but still stayed with her and even got her pregnant, then you should be asking yourself why you're making life long decisions with someone who:

1.) Lies

2.) Could still be in love with her ex.

The problems lie on her side and on yours. 

[SherrySher]

As for you questioning if you should walk away...why didn't you consider that before getting her pregnant?

It's much more complicated now with a child on the way.

[Capricorn3]

3 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Secondly, if you've caught her in lies, but still stayed with her and even got her pregnant, 

The problems lie on her side and on yours. 

I agree with the above.  All I can say is whatever happens, make sure you step up to the plate and own your responsibilities by paying child support for the next 18 years.

[melancholy123]

10 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

As for you questioning if you should walk away...why didn't you consider that before getting her pregnant?

It's much more complicated now with a child on the way.

Really!  Why didnt you take precautions?  Based on her track record, could it be yet another guy's kid and not yours?

You helped create this mess by talking about past sexual partners.  Those discussions often end badly.

If I was you I'd go see a lawyer and find out your legal obligations and what's involved with paternity payments you will need to make if the child is indeed yours.  Then I'd be gone.  You dont trust her and she doesn't seem trustworthy anyway.

[Tinydance]

Well one red flag I see here is that it may be that she's either an extremely careless person that doesn't care if she gets pregnant, or she's actually trying to get pregnant on purpose. I just don't understand how this woman keeps getting pregnant so easily from every guy she sleeps with when different kinds of contraception are very readily available. At least in Western countries. But you obviously played a very big part in the pregnancy because it doesn't sound like you were wearing condoms and that was also your responsibility.

Regarding if you can trust your girlfriend, well, probably not. But I'm not sure what exactly you're asking. If she's pregnant with your child and keeping it then you are "stuck" with her just in the sense that now she's always going to be in your life. However, I would very highly recommend actually doing a paternity test because it sounds like she might be a cheater and goes back to her ex's from what she's told you before. I really don't think you should commit to her or this baby unless you do the paternity test and you know for sure it's your baby.

If it is your baby then you have financial and other responsibilities as a father but that doesn't actually mean that you have to be in a relationship with her. You can just maintain a civil friendship with her only for the child's sake.

I'm not really sure why you wanted to get involved with a woman who has two different kids from two different guys as opposed to a woman who has no kids or at least only with one father. In this situation you were going to have the two baby Daddy's always in the picture. I'm not sure why you actually wanted that. I think you made some poor choices regarding contraception and even being with this woman in the first place. If you don't want to be with her anymore then don't. Just support her in terms of the baby and that's it.

[Chelri]

*Sorry, just to clarify, she became pregnant despite precautions taken just like her first child

[lostandhurt]

Seriously?  Her telling a lie to cover up that she slept around a lot more than she is letting on should be the least of your worries here.

  She flips flops between two guys and gets pregnant from both of them, pushes for marriage way to soon and shows very little maturity or responsibility.  Not a good way to build a relationship/marriage is it???

  The lies could be her not wanting to tell the whole truth.  She has been with way more than 5 guys but it afraid you will run for the hills if you hear the real number.  It is a wonder she doesn't have 5 kids by now.

6 month is way to short of a time to really know anyone so slow this thing way down.  You shouldn't even be considering an engagement until at least a year. 

  I agree you should get a paternity test after the baby is born or at the very least figure out what blood types are possible for the baby if you and the mother had children. 

  Who's idea was it not to use birth control?

  Lost

[Tinydance]

10 minutes ago, Chelri said:

*Sorry, just to clarify, she became pregnant despite precautions taken just like her first child

If you don't mind me asking, what were the precautions being taken? To be honest it actually sounds to me like she WANTS to get pregnant deliberately. Most contraception methods except the withdrawal method are actually quite reliable. Seems very strange she keeps getting pregnant so fast from every guy she dates, even not long.

[Chelri]

She was on the pill (and didn't forget any) for this pregnancy and her first. Her second child was desired at the time

[SherrySher]

10 minutes ago, Chelri said:

She was on the pill (and didn't forget any) for this pregnancy and her first. Her second child was desired at the time

Honestly, I sincerely question this.

A woman having issue with the pill one time, sounds reasonable, but twice, sounds sketchy.

If she knew she has issues with the pill, she could have opted for an IUD and use a condom.

I do wonder if her getting pregnant is a way to try to force men to stay with her.

I also wonder if she did "forget" to take the pill and lied about that to you too.

[Tinydance]

28 minutes ago, Chelri said:

She was on the pill (and didn't forget any) for this pregnancy and her first. Her second child was desired at the time

Sounds like she was deliberately not taking the pill. I was on the pill for a number of years and it has a very high success rate.

[Rose Mosse]

You seem uneasy understandably but don’t you think enough is enough with the lack of trust? She’s expecting your child and if by now you still don’t trust her, end the relationship, be a good father/co-parent and move forwards with your life. 

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, Chelri said:

She was on the pill (and didn't forget any) for this pregnancy and her first. Her second child was desired at the time

The odds for that to happen to the same woman that close together have to be pretty hi.

"If you use it perfectly, the pill is 99% effective. But people aren’t perfect and it’s easy to forget or miss pills — so in reality the pill is about 91% effective. That means about 9 out of 100 pill users get pregnant each year."

 Either she is skipping pills, taking meds that are interfering with them or is not being truthful again...

Lots of red flags flying around this young woman.  I think your best bet is co parenting from an extreme distance. 

Lost

[MissCanuck]

This woman either was not taking her pill, or not taking it as prescribed and skippping or forgetting days. You generally don't wind up pregnant twice when you are taking it as you should. 

Either way, she has lied a lot. She doesn't make great life choices, and it sounds like she was indeed having trouble letting go of the man she was supposed to marry last year. 

There's no trust here and I doubt this relationship is going to work out. You need to speak to a family lawyer to make sure you are 100% clear on your rights and obligations as this baby's father, and start devising a plan to co-parent with her. 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Chelri said:

 she loves me and is awaiting eagerly the day I propose to her but I'm hesitating due to her past, she is pregnant with my child.

Ok. You have zero respect for her. Interrogated her about every detail about every sexual experience,etc.

Not only for humiliation but for injustice collecting,which you're now using against her.

Despite all this you continued enjoying sex with her and now that an unplanned pregnancy occurred, you're running for the hills and justifying it with sl-t shaming.

You pursued the relationship, despite her background, you had unprotected sex and now she's just a wanton hussy because she's pregnant and wants to marry?

You've got a lot of toxic baggage going on from your own no so stellar past.

However, one way or the other your on the hook for choosing to have unprotected sex.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Regarding if you can trust your girlfriend, well, probably not. But I'm not sure what exactly you're asking. If she's pregnant with your child and keeping it then you are "stuck" with her just in the sense that now she's always going to be in your life. However, I would very highly recommend actually doing a paternity test because it sounds like she might be a cheater and goes back to her ex's from what she's told you before. I really don't think you should commit to her or this baby unless you do the paternity test and you know for sure it's your baby.

If it is your baby then you have financial and other responsibilities as a father but that doesn't actually mean that you have to be in a relationship with her. You can just maintain a civil friendship with her only for the child's sake.

Yup. Agree.

Let her get a paternity test asap OP. For all you know, that child might not even be yours if she's still in touch with other men.

[DarkCh0c0]

Honestly, all I can think of is poor children. I'm speechless.

[East4]

Agree with another poster that OP overstepped boundaries by policing and demanding a detailed account of his GF's sexual past. I guess, she felt cornered by his inquisition and lied to him, which is a knee-jerk reaction. Nobody is entitled to know anybody's number of sexual relationships, unless the info is volunteered, or is disclosed for health reasons.

OP strikes me like one very insecure, hence controlling man, who uses his GF's past against her and feels entitled to control her from his morally high ground. His morally higher ground is most probably not because of his high ethics (an ethical person does not walk away on their unborn child), but because women did not find him attractive, therefore he stayed in his one toxic relationship.

Also agree that despite her dynamic dating history, he had no problem using her for sex and now is running away like a coward when she is pregnant. 

Posters are solely focusing on her, but OP is the one who decided to stay with her and father a child. I think he has no right to crucify her with judgements and intrusive questions about her past.

[Kwothe28]

Her past is dubious. All those back and forth between those two men as well as her(at best) not being careful with contraception, should be enough for any men to be careful with her and not getting serious.

However, you made your own bed here. You knew who she was. And yet not only you were serious with her to the point she expects marriage, you also on top of that made her another baby. Aside of her past, I dont see any other issues were you should "walk away" from her and (presumably) yours child. Again, you should have been careful before, now you will have a child with that girl. Take responsability and do the right thing now.

[boltnrun]

You two have only been together six months?

And who has "that conversation"? I have never done that. Who's idea was it to drag up the past?

I was on the pill for something like two decades and never had an oopsie...let alone TWO of them. Someone's not telling the truth.

Anyway, I would definitely have a paternity test done. She is still into her ex (keeping the wedding dress like she hoped to need it) so it's a good idea to be sure. 

As for the relationship, you obviously have never trusted her. So marrying her would be a very bad idea. Coparent and provide financial support if you're the father but do not marry her.

[SooSad33]

Yup, I agree with the fact that her past is just that and has nothing to do with your circumstances now.

So what she's 'had a few', this is normal. I was with my first ex for almost 10 yrs and yes, I had previous bf's through high school but none of this mattered.

After our split, within 2 yrs, I began dating again, until I met up with my next long term BF.  Again, my past nor his mattered.

The concerns here is trust.

WHY you'd even consider something like marriage after only 6 months together and with so many concerns is crazy!  

I say no, you don't marry her, BUT if this is your child, and she keeps it, yes, you ARE responsible for helping with raising it. ( if you split, then you should get some access and pay child support) .

I don't feel your 'relationship' is on very sturdy ground as nothing has been too positive with her to you and your relationship has not really grown into something 'stable'.

 

Anyways, choice is yours.  - take a good hard look at all of this.  Because of her past and what you feel are lies, is best to not stick around this one.

Be smart next time, and use your own protection for a good while, so this does NOT happen again. ( is really sad that she's no got 3 kids by 3 diff father's and at least one of them is with someone she barely knows.. right?) 😕 .

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Once a liar, always a liar.  Beware.  NEVER trust a liar.  All relationships are doomed for failure whenever there is a liar.

Since you're about to become a father, you are financially responsible for your child's well being until he or she reaches adulthood.  Remain respectful toward the mother of your child, be a great father and  responsible for life.  Do what you have to do and do the right thing.