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ive been dating the most wonderful woman for almost a year now and i'm really so in love with her.. she is still legally married and although there hasn't been anything romantic with her ex in over twenty years but they are very close. they have two children in their 20S , they are business partners on things that don't require everyday interaction They own the homes that she lives in one with the children and he lives in the other. All their money credit and investments are completly like a married couples would be.

 

Ive met him several times and have had dinner with with him and her and the kids. He's definitley a decent person but i really feel that he still has more than "friend" feelings that my girlfriend says. I would find it disrespectful to my girlfriend if I was going to dinner alone or out with anyone that had more than friend feelings on their minds and quite sure she would agree with me on that.

 

Some of the things that lead me to feel that he's not over her is that shortly after meeting me she was all upset about the amount of time that I was sleeping over and when I questioned her on why all of a sudden it was an issue she told me that he called and said if I was going to be spending so much time there I should be paying his part of the bills. she also told me that she let him know its not his business on who stays with her as she never questions on who stays by him. other things like the birthday card he wrote her has things like how shes his best friend and that he would have nothing with out her. After expressing my concern about his card i was told i was wrong

I was taking her away for Valentines day and we were leaving a few days before and I had someone coming on the sunday morning to watch my son while i was going to be away and as i was leaving my girlfriends to get to the place i then had to be at i find out that hes coming over to celebrate valentines with the kids and her. She stated that her children set it up without her fully knowing and her kids have the right to invite their father..to me its a family date thing which happens on weeknights with old family videos at times.. all events Im not welcome to. I ve been informed by her that there will be times when the four of them go out to dinner and i wont be welcome d..i call it family date night

 

Every week i give my girlfriend flowers and a card, this has gone on sinv=ce we started dating and the cards over time have gone from the light "ive had a great week with you" to a much more intimate "how much i love you " and "i cant wait to spend every morning waking wwith you". these cards and flowers proudly displayed in the kitchen till the flowers died. In the past few months and my cards were more Intimate I started noticing the cards disapearing before the flowers were done and Happening before he was scheduled to come by the house. I couldnt say anything about this because the ex conversation/argument was really a bqad issue and I only have my feelings on things and my perception ...til one day were on the beach and I walked up on her not relizing she was on the phone and i hear her say"Honey, please do me a favor and take the two cards off the counter and put them in my bedroom.. i dont want daddy to see them and get all hurt"...

I was really pissed and hurt at the moment and walked off without her seeing it and didnt end up confronting her on it till the next evening.. I asked her why my cards were gone.. she said she didnt know I asked her did she ask her children to put them away she said no..clearly not truthful i then let her know that i heard her tell her child the exact wqoute above and asked her why would her ex s feelings be hurt by reading my card if he was just a friend .. she just keepss telling me he has no romantic feeling for her

 

I know she doesnt have any romantic feelings for him, but it bothers me so much that she spends time with anyone that might have more than friendship on their minds. I do trust her to be faithful to me and know theirs nothing sexual going on between them

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

Also when their talking to their kids they refer to each other as "mommy and daddy" .. kids are in their 20s.. I feel the kids know if she said something like "ask your father" instead of "ask Daddy" they would knw what she is talking about

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Sounds to me like there’s no space for you in this relationship.

 

The question is, do you want a relationship where the other person hasn’t centred you in their heart? And if nothing changes how long will you stay? 6 months? A year? 5 years? 20?

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So, essentially, to put it bluntly, you're having an affair with a married woman for a year. As long as she is married, you have no place there. No business there. It doesn't strike you as strange that she's "dating" you but is not divorcing her husband so that she is free to be with you? You really need to back off and stay off. As long as she is married she's not yours to have. Find someone single and available.

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I know she doesnt have any romantic feelings for him, but it bothers me so much that she spends time with anyone that might have more than friendship on their minds. I do trust her to be faithful to me and know theirs nothing sexual going on between them

 

I am not so sure about that.

 

She is invested in his feelings far more than she should be, at this stage in the game. They are more or less just a separated married couple, and you are the third wheel. I get the sense that they both still have romantic feelings for each other even though neither is willing to admit it.

 

I would ask yourself if you really want to continue to build something with a woman who is still this attached to her husband. Personally, I would leave them to it. It's disappointing and I get that you are emotionally invested, but it's pretty clear that her husband's feelings still take priority over yours. You can't have a relationship like that. It will never get past the stage it's at now.

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The whole situation is really weird and dodgy in my opinion. I don't think they're just friends. And I think it's not just the husband that has feelings, but your girlfriend does too. She cares a lot more about him than about you. She removes your greeting cards so HE doesn't get upset? You're exactly right, if there is nothing between them, then why would he care about the cards or anything else?

 

Also their so-called "friendship" is inappropriate. I understand just being on good terms with your ex in case the children throw a Birthday party and invite them both and things like that. But beyond being civil there is no need to be friends even. Totally inappropriate to be having these "family dinners", especially because she's meant to be in a relationship with you. The children are not children, they are adults. So both their parents can definitely spend time with them separately. Dinner just with Dad, dinner just with Mum.

 

Why would they be spending Valentine's Day together! That makes zero sense! Valentine's Day is not for children to spend with their parents. And even if they wanted to, why would her ex be invited??! I think she's lying to you about everything. It doesn't sound believable that the children organised it. They are adults so I'm sure they would have preferred to spend Valentine's Day with someone they're actually dating or their own friends. I reckon your girlfriend actually wanted to do it.

 

I think your girlfriend and her ex are still actually romantic in some capacity. The only other explanation is that she's actually not that into you and therefore doesn't actually care how she's treating you and how many boundaries she's crossing. You even have clear evidence that she lies to you because you overheard her conversation about the cards.

 

Seriously you are being treated like a total doormat and personally I would just end it if I was you.

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They are still operating as a family unit. You are focusing on nonsense such as what the kids call thier parents and dried up flowers.

 

Why are you staying at her place that much? Her husband is correct. He shouldn't be financing your love nest.

 

Are you married or living with someone?

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This is their family dynamic. What you see is what you get, and you should always have the mindset that nothing will change and you shouldn't hope for change, because change isn't guaranteed and unlikely.

 

For all you know, the grown kids might never move out. Sounds like your gf and her husband want to preserve their finances as a unit, and so you would never benefit from the optimum financial plans that a married couple would.

 

The type of life you're leading sounds hellish to me. Are you really that desperate? I'd drop her so you're free to find someone without entanglements to another man.

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If you're going to insert yourself into someone else's marriage, you're not likely to enjoy the results--and you don't have a voice in the matter.

 

You get to decide whether you'll take it or leave it, but you don't get to manage it. It's theirs.

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They are still operating as a family unit. You are focusing on nonsense such as what the kids call thier parents and dried up flowers.

 

Why are you staying at her place that much? Her husband is correct. He shouldn't be financing your love nest.

 

Are you married or living with someone?

 

No. I am single and my son lives with me..this happened couple months into relationship and the only reason I stayed by her so much was because travel between my place and hers was 1hr 45 minutes and we spent week at my place and a week at hers because we were out dancing and partying every night..but it ended up being more time by her -lace because she wanted to be closer to her children.

 

When I met her I was looking to relocate to the middle of the state for my work so it made it very easy to move closer to her which happened 3 weeks after his comments

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If you're going to insert yourself into someone else's marriage, you're not likely to enjoy the results--and you don't have a voice in the matter.

 

You get to decide whether you'll take it or leave it, but you don't get to manage it. It's theirs.

 

I didn’t believe I was inserting myself into what I am now in. First 6 months he was almost not in the picture at all. She’s had other boy friends that based on what she says have no problem with him in the picture. She also has gone on to tell me that some of her old bf have hung out with him and did stuff with out her

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I am not so sure about that.

 

She is invested in his feelings far more than she should be, at this stage in the game. They are more or less just a separated married couple, and you are the third wheel. I get the sense that they both still have romantic feelings for each other even though neither is willing to admit it.

 

I would ask yourself if you really want to continue to build something with a woman who is still this attached to her husband. Personally, I would leave them to it. It's disappointing and I get that you are emotionally invested, but it's pretty clear that her husband's feelings still take priority over yours. You can't have a relationship like that. It will never get past the stage it's at now.

 

I agree. She has way to much feelings for him. She has way to much feelings for a lot of people in her life. She’s way over caring about so many mostly girlfriends,even ones that don’t deserve the attention and caring she gives..

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Sounds to me like there’s no space for you in this relationship.

 

The question is, do you want a relationship where the other person hasn’t centred you in their heart? And if nothing changes how long will you stay? 6 months? A year? 5 years? 20?

 

I say that to her. ‘Where’s my space?’ And I’m told that he’s just a business partner friend,father of her children and family..that I’m her lover her partner the one she’s intimate with.

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I say that to her. ‘Where’s my space?’ And I’m told that he’s just a business partner friend,father of her children and family..that I’m her lover her partner the one she’s intimate with.

 

But how do you FEEL? OK with all their interactions and closeness or does it make you feel uncomfortable and somewhat like a third wheel?

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But how do you FEEL? OK with all their interactions and closeness or does it make you feel uncomfortable and somewhat like a third wheel?

 

I’m really mixed. I know she has no romantic feelings for him.. I wake with her 5-6 nights a week and I know the missing mornings we are both awaking alone. It’s their closeness and almost perfect family dynamic and lack of closures that a normal separation that puts the knot in my gut. Yes. An outsider when sitting down at the dinner table when he is there and really nauseous when she’ll say to one of her children something like ‘pass this to daddy”..

 

She tries to refrain to referring to him as “daddy’ when talking with her children but she really doesn’t do well with it or understand why it bothers me

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Sadly you feel like an outsider because you are an outsider. They are still married and living as a family unit. Why shouldn't the kids call them mom or dad? Even if they get divorced they will still be mom/dad.

 

Unfortunately, what she said is true. They are a married and still a family and she thinks of you as 'her lover'. Whatever twisted nonsense she has had with her other lovers and his other lovers, doesn't mean you have to sit at their family table like a fifth wheel.

 

You may miss your son, your ex wife family life etc., but if this is getting too weird you may want to reconsider what's going on and make some adjustments.

An outsider when sitting down at the dinner table when he is there and really nauseous when she’ll say to one of her children something like ‘pass this to daddy”..
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Sadly you feel like an outsider because you are an outsider. They are still married and living as a family unit. Why shouldn't the kids call them mom or dad? Even if they get divorced they will still be mom/dad. .

 

No. It’s my girlfriend and her ex talking to their children referring to one another as ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’

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Since this is how things are and how they'll remain, how does another 5 years of this situation sound? How about 10 years, or 25? Of her alleged ex sharing so much with her while you sit there and watch?

 

Yes. Very disturbing to think about. The non divorce is a financial decision I’ve been told and she does expect to file but it’s not for couple more years

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Yes. Very disturbing to think about. The non divorce is a financial decision I’ve been told and she does expect to file but it’s not for couple more years

^

That's a classic excuse, along with "my kids are young, and need me right now," "I need to get my finances in order," "We sleep in different rooms," etc.

 

Please don't tell us you're that gullible.

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^

That's a classic excuse, along with "my kids are young, and need me right now," "I need to get my finances in order," "We sleep in different rooms," etc.

 

Please don't tell us you're that gullible.

 

Yes. Guess I am. I knew this getting in as we started our relationship as just friends. I do know that her best financial decision would be to stay married to him as long as possible.

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Ohh my goodness :/.

 

Yah, I agree.. I think SHE just feels way too awkward when it comes to her ex- which she is certain HE still has some issue;s on her. ( My ex took over 2 yrs to finally let off).

If was a long term- yup can take a while.. unless they do truly let go.. move on ( and not just rebound).

Even if she moved the flowers - is really up to her- careful you dont push it there. - causing her to become either more defensive or regress- less informative or honest with you.

 

He is far from respectful with her & her personal life!

 

Fist off. you have only been involved with her not even a year? One like her, probably needs you to take it all slowly..

Ease your way in.. don't push it too much - or she may feel overwhelmed.

 

You need to be honest, as does she.

 

HE probably feels how owns her still in ways- being business partners. As for you staying there is none of his business...

 

As for what they all do- yah is kinda odd, since they are no longer involved- and the kids are older!

But, again.. is also HER choice in the matter.. ( you can accept or not - or she can change that- but may not)

 

In the end.. is up to you on whether you can accept their 'way of living' or not.

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Ohh my goodness :/.

 

Yah, I agree.. I think SHE just feels way too awkward when it comes to her ex- which she is certain HE still has some issue;s on her. ( My ex took over 2 yrs to finally let off).

If was a long term- yup can take a while.. unless they do truly let go.. move on ( and not just rebound).

Even if she moved the flowers - is really up to her- careful you dont push it there. - causing her to become either more defensive or regress- less informative or honest with you.

 

He is far from respectful with her & her personal life!

 

Fist off. you have only been involved with her not even a year? One like her, probably needs you to take it all slowly..

Ease your way in.. don't push it too much - or she may feel overwhelmed.

 

You need to be honest, as does she.

 

HE probably feels how owns her still in ways- being business partners. As for you staying there is none of his business...

 

As for what they all do- yah is kinda odd, since they are no longer involved- and the kids are older!

But, again.. is also HER choice in the matter.. ( you can accept or not - or she can change that- but may not)

 

In the end.. is up to you on whether you can accept their 'way of living' or not.

 

I’ve already overwhelmed her with this according to her. I can see that it does. I don’t want it to but it really can consumes me trying to let it be the way she would like it to be. She says her other bfs over the past 22 years were fine with the ex this way and the last one did repairs for him at his house, but he ended up being a cheater and screwing around with other women on her. I tell her that I don’t understand how any man that truly loves her would find her relationship with her children’s father acceptable. I try but the more I witness makes it more difficult.each time I’m subject to it I just see that there’s less and less closure to their relationship. There’s nothing I can do to change anything except to let her know how I feel, so I’m really powerless over changing it(it’s up to her).so it leaves me two options. Acceptance or let it go

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You need to stop telling yourself he's "the ex".

 

When you start telling yourself the truth rather than buying into thier sick open marriage, you'll see things more clearly.

It’s my girlfriend and her ex talking to their children referring to one another as ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’
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She says her other bfs over the past 22 years were fine with the ex this way

 

Just because she says this doesn't make it true, Nyght.

 

This woman is too enmeshed with her husband to see reality. She'll say whatever she thinks will make you see things her way, and frankly, her way is not conducive to a truly intimate, exclusive relationship with anyone else.

 

You are wasting your time with her.

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