too close for comfort?

[Wiseman2]

Non-divorce is not a word. Married is the correct term. You've had to employ a lot of non words to stay in this thing.

 

A lot of that is cognitive dissonance. That means developing an alternate reality replete with faux words like non-divorce and "ex-husband" to try to deal with the bizarre reality.

 

For example you're getting upset at them calling each other mom/dad, but the real issue is why are you at their family dinner, like some poolboy lover?

Yes. Very disturbing to think about. The non divorce is a financial decision I’ve been told and she does expect to file but it’s not for couple more years

[catfeeder]

She says her other bfs over the past 22 years were fine with the ex this way

 

Apparently not. Where are they now?

 

It makes no sense to walk into a mess and try to trick yourself into believing that it's not a mess.

 

You're not going to change her or "them".

 

You get to decide whether this is good enough for you.

[Rose Mosse]

What they have is working for them but it's not working for you. When you choose to stay in situations like this you're telling yourself that your needs or wants come second. Can I ask what you're looking for in a relationship?

 

I ask because it might jog you into thinking more about yourself and what you want out of life. Take yourself out of the situation for a moment and don't see yourself in relation to what's going on around you. What do you want in a relationship?

[abitbroken]

In the past few months and my cards were more Intimate

 

Oh heck, why would a woman want to display "intimate cards" in her home when she lives with her kids, even if they are college aged. I would be so grossed out and weirded out by that if i had a parent that did that. You can't give her cards that are more and more intimate and expect her to display them around the house as if you are marking your territory.

 

That being said -- she is still a married woman.

[DancingFool]

It always amazes me the mental gymnastics that side pieces go through in order to justify their actions and to convince themselves that they are sooo special and this is all true love. Good grief.

 

Harsh reality is you don't have a girlfriend. If you want one of those, please find a woman who is actually single and free to be that.

 

What you have is a married woman who is using you as a side piece in their marriage, yes her AND her husband. You are no better or more special than a toy in a line of many others. She pretty much told you that when she mentioned numerous other "boyfriends, aka side pieces".

 

Whatever their unconventional marital arrangements are, one thing that should be crystal clear to you is that they've been doing this for many many years - meaning that this works for them and they have zero intentions of changing anything. If either one of them wanted a divorce, they'd do so. It's really that simple. The reason they don't isn't because of whatever bs excuses, but rather because neither one of them intends to divorce. You are just a human dildo to them and when they get bored with you, they'll get another one. The reason I say "they" is because they are both in on this and you are the passing outsider to their kinks and games.

[ShySoul]

Open marriages are fine if all parties are honest about the intentions and comfortable with the arrangement. You, however, clearly don't feel comfortable. So you need to be honest with yourself and say what you really want. If you want the actual full relationship, she needs to demonstrate that she is getting the divorce. Her children are grown, so they aren't together for their sake. If they have two places and are living apart, then I imagine they are not in dire financial circumstances. What is actually keeping them together? If she wants to be with you, it's time she shows it. If she won't, then you need to ask yourself why are you committing to someone who won't commit to you?

 

As for why they have things this why, here's my thought. He has romantic feelings for her, hence the jealousy. She cares about him, but doesn't have feelings of romance towards him. By her staying married but also having a boyfriend, she can get the romance lacking in her marriage without hurting the husband and ending the marriage. He meanwhile, gets to protect his marriage that he doesn't want to end, while remaining in her life. If they were together, they would have to face the issues between them which they don't want to do because it might mean ending things. This way they are, in essence, having their cake and eating it too.