I got ghosted - why?

[somechick99]

I am posting this mostly for some outside perspective as to what happened. I am a 26 year old female and he's a 27 year old male.

 

I met the guy through a dating app and he was really persistent about getting me to go out with him. He lives an hour and a half away so I wasn't very eager to meet up, but he insisted he would drive out to meet me. He drove the 1.5 hours and we had a fun first date - he immediately plans a second date for a few days later. This goes on for several weeks with zero pushes for sex on his part (we took turns driving, he wasn't always the one having to go 1.5 hours). The dates he planned were unique and romantic, including a day at the beach, watching the sunset at the top of a mountain, checking out a cool museum most people don't know about etc. We had sex a few weeks into things and it was my idea. As far as I can tell, the sex was great on both our ends and he had a huge smile on his face, then went on about how great it was. It's worth mentioning that looking back I do see a lot of love bombing behavior on his part. He showered me in compliments that were probably BS like being the most attractive woman he'd ever been with, how he was developing feelings fast etc.

 

He did not ghost immediately after sex (though that is the last time I saw him). Right around this time, a bunch of local fires hit (I'm in the Pacific Northwest) and we were unable to see each other for awhile. His entire neighborhood lost power for almost a week (this was verified on the news, wasn't BS) and there was craziness all throughout the state. One day he took all day to reply to me which I didn't think twice about with the power outage - until he got whiny when I then took 2 hours to reply. He literally texted me "acknowledge me" then "noooowww" when I was busy with friends. Once again, this was after he took all day to get back to me.

 

I replied saying "Why is it fine for you to take hours to reply but I'm expected to reply immediately?" then he claimed he was joking.

This is around the time things got weird. The next day, I found out a friend of mine in Nebraska had passed and I had to fly out for his funeral. I told him this and he pretended he was worried and said he would call me after he was off work at 2 PM, then didn't call until 9. When I left for the funeral he said he would hit me up after I got back and just never did.

 

Obviously, there were a lot of weird circumstances such as the fires, the death of my friend etc that changed the vibe of the relationship. I don't want a guy who's hypocritical and clingy anyways. But it still was very hurtful and bizarre to me the way he did a 180 overnight. I'm also livid that he ghosted me after all that.

I'm posting this to gain some outside perspective on what happened and see if maybe there's something I'm missing. As stated earlier, even if there was someone else in the picture I don't see why he wouldn't have just juggled two women. We weren't exclusive. Thanks in advance.

 

(Note: not sure if it's relevant but he does still view my snapchat stories. I have not contacted him in any way, shape or form ever since he never kept his word about following up).

[Cherylyn]

He has since lost interest in you so he ghosted you. He doesn't respect you nor does he respect having a relationship with you. He is insincere and temporary in your life. I'm sorry he ghosted you. Even though you don't like the fact that he ghosted you, accept that he did and actually be glad that you know what type of person he is rather than dragging out a relationship with a man of questionable and disdainful character. Better to know now than later. Consider him history.

 

In the future, don't move so fast and always listen to your gut and intuition because it's always right. 1.5 hours away is impractical. His insistent, overzealous behavior was alarming. He bombarded you with charm, flattery, compliments and then he grew tired of you. Then the fires and power outages. If he had to evacuate, his life was disrupted, however, the funeral you attended should've been irrelevant. No matter, he didn't last anyway.

 

In your mind, say, "Good riddance!" You deserve better.

[Hollyj]

I would see this as a blessing that he ghosted you. Snapchat means nothing.

 

I would also only date locals.

[JenCrowley]

From your description, it sounds to me that the guy is emotionally immature. He clearly lacks patience (eager to meet up ASAP despite the distance, complaining when you don't respond within the time frame he wants a response) lack of patience and need for immediate gratification are signs of emotional immaturity. The love bombing very early on and the eagerness to rush the relationship also point to emotional immaturity.

 

Bottom line, he's choosing to ghost you because it's the easiest and most convenient option for him. He's behaving badly, and there's no justification for it. At his age, he ought to be adult enough to communicate with you and end things with you respectfully.

 

Yep, good riddance to this man-child, no need to waste any more time with this one.

[Rose Mosse]

He could have tired of the commute and both of you have a lot going on. It's hurtful but take it for what it is. Don't read into it too deeply. You're dealing with the loss of a friend also and he's in the midst of the forest fires.

 

It's better that the both of you aren't clinging to each other for 'support' or making more of the connection than what it really was. I'd consider it a good time and let him be. This means leave it the way it was and don't go down the rabbit hole thinking you weren't good enough or he had other women on the side etc.

 

I'm sorry about the loss of your friend also.

[DancingFool]

Pick this apart from the beginning and it wont' be so confusing.

 

From the get go, he disrespected your stated boundaries and simply bulldozed you. That's not flattering, that's cray cray behavior. Unstable.

 

He love bombed you as you now realize, which is what? Shallow, fake kind of stuff.

 

He acted needy, unfair, more cray cray type behavior that should have raised alarms in your head and kind of did. "Acknowledge me Now" - that right there should have been enough for you to actually ghost him - block, delete, be done. Tip of the iceberg of crazy.

 

Him ghosting you....sort of....not quite though as he is still there watching you on social media, really goes hand in hand with all of the above red flags and volatile behavior. Don't be surprised if he surfaces again when he sees or sense that you are vulnerable.

 

The question you should be asking isn't why he ghosted you (he did you a favor), but rather why didn't you see the red flags and run away screaming? Why did you allow him to bulldoze your preferences and why do you confuse disrespect with caring?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. A lot of unfortunate circumstances. How long did you date in total. A few red flags such as the distance and the over-the-top pursuit. Was an ex in the picture?

 

He seemed a bit flakey at best and controlling as well. Be glad he's gone. The whole thing from the start seems to have had an expiration date.

[Tinydance]

If someone took long to reply to me, then texted: "Acknowledge me. Nooww." I would be really annoyed. That's just pushy and rude, especially because they took long to respond themselves. Also keeping in mind that you are actually allowed to have a life of your own and you're not required to just be texting him 24/7. In my opinion the guy doesn't sound that stable. He was acting too full-on from the start and then just disappeared. It's not your fault that your friend passed away. You did what you had to do. Also the guy should have told you that he's not interested in seeing you anymore, not just ghost. That would have been the right thing to do, especially as you were dating for some time and you had sex.

[Batya33]

Here's how I see it. You only dated a few weeks. Many people change their minds a few weeks into things. He didn't ask you to be exclusive with him - and did he actually plan another date after sex - date and time -and then you had to cancel because of the fires -or did he leave you that day after sex with no specific plan to see each other again? Certainly circumstances like fire and power outages can throw a wrench into the momentum of things but if there's real potential both people do what it takes to see each other ASAP. My husband made a plan two or more weeks in advance with me when we were first dating because he knew he'd be out of town on business (we'd dated in the distant past so we knew each other well already - we were getting back together).

I'm sorry he seems to have changed his mind and certainly there's nothing wrong with you choosing to have casual sex with him -sounds like you had fun - but since you didn't know him well that might have been a wake up call for him that made him wonder about whether you two were a match for something serious. Neither of you talked about being exclusive before having sex and maybe on reflection he simply saw this as a fun fling. You had fun, too.

 

I don't think he ghosted you at all. He simply did not ask you out again after going out with you a couple of times.

[SooSad33]

He showered me in compliments that were probably BS like being the most attractive woman he'd ever been with, how he was developing feelings fast etc

- If this is so, sounds like he was on a 'rebound'. Moving on too fast from a LTR.

 

"acknowledge me" then "noooowww"

- wow.. rude :/

 

Nah, don't get too hot headed.. you two did not have much of a connection, I think.. he was just playing.

Usually, within the first few months is when you find out IF they are truly into it.. or not.

 

Let him go. don't hang for someone who is that shady. And maybe plan for closer to home?

[lostandhurt]

Does it really matter why? I know it is nice to have answers when you get rejected but in the end all the answers in the world will not change the fact that he is no longer interested.

 

Look at the bright side. He did you a big favor because sooner or later you would have dumped him for his behavior. This way you didn't have to be the bad guy.

 

Another bright side of this is he lives 1 1/2 hours away so there is little chance you will bump into him.

 

You had some good dates, had a great night of sex and got out of the whole thing unscathed so it was a win win. The only down side was he wasn't the one but I am sure you have plenty of guys hitting you up online.

 

Could you have seen the flags a little earlier? Of course but you wanted to think the best of this guy and gave him the benefit of the doubt which is good. Being to closed off or so rigid that you pick apart each guy you meet is not fair to you or them.

 

He is out there, just keep looking

 

Lost

[smackie9]

Ghosting is totally normal part of dating, interacting. Never take it personally. Obviously their intentions were not honorable, and you dodged a bullet. Onward, and upwards...

[Batya33]

Ghosting is totally normal part of dating, interacting. Never take it personally. Obviously their intentions were not honorable, and you dodged a bullet. Onward, and upwards...

 

I don't see anything not honorable -he might have felt exactly as he said when he said it and then after a couple of dates he changed his mind. Happens all the time.

[melancholy123]

I bet he's got someone else and wasn't man enough to tell you so. Forget about him. Dont be so fast to get into relationships with people so far away.

[somechick99]

I don't see anything not honorable -he might have felt exactly as he said when he said it and then after a couple of dates he changed his mind. Happens all the time.

 

As the one on the receiving end of his behavior, I will say that being love bombed and intimate with someone then ghosted was very hurtful. This is not someone I only hung out with a couple times.

 

At best it was cowardly not to at least let me know he wanted to break things off.

[somechick99]

Pick this apart from the beginning and it wont' be so confusing.

 

From the get go, he disrespected your stated boundaries and simply bulldozed you. That's not flattering, that's cray cray behavior. Unstable.

 

He love bombed you as you now realize, which is what? Shallow, fake kind of stuff.

 

He acted needy, unfair, more cray cray type behavior that should have raised alarms in your head and kind of did. "Acknowledge me Now" - that right there should have been enough for you to actually ghost him - block, delete, be done. Tip of the iceberg of crazy.

 

Him ghosting you....sort of....not quite though as he is still there watching you on social media, really goes hand in hand with all of the above red flags and volatile behavior. Don't be surprised if he surfaces again when he sees or sense that you are vulnerable.

 

The question you should be asking isn't why he ghosted you (he did you a favor), but rather why didn't you see the red flags and run away screaming? Why did you allow him to bulldoze your preferences and why do you confuse disrespect with caring?

 

Thank you for your answer - blunt but helpful and to the point. I am reflecting and learning from the situation.

[smackie9]

I don't see anything not honorable -he might have felt exactly as he said when he said it and then after a couple of dates he changed his mind. Happens all the time.

 

Honorable also meaning having the decency to say so.

[reinventmyself]

Just a hunch. The moment you told him you lost a friend, needed to go out of state and attend a funeral was the moment he got busy working on securing a back up plan.

Unfortunately for you, your reasons were legit and given his previous insecure text about not getting the response he thought he deserved suggests he didn't have the confidence to trust you and got busy finding someone else to build him up.

That's on him and a reflection of his character. That combined w the distance makes this a mismatch.

You'll never know. He could have reconciled with his wife.

There are endless possibilities.

Shake this off.

[Batya33]

Honorable also meaning having the decency to say so.

 

I suppose -I always saw the slow fade as a clear indication of a lack of interest -he showed her with his actions. I agree after a handful of dates probably warrants some kind of communication. I don't think he ghosted her.

[Batya33]

As the one on the receiving end of his behavior, I will say that being love bombed and intimate with someone then ghosted was very hurtful. This is not someone I only hung out with a couple times.

 

At best it was cowardly not to at least let me know he wanted to break things off.

 

I don't think he ghosted you. If a stranger or near stranger love bombs you you can choose to watch the feet -what he does, over a period of time- not what he says when he barely knows you. You made the choice to keep interacting with him. So you weren't passive -you enjoyed it and had fun having sex with him. You were sexually intimate but I don't think the sex obligates him to have a whole discussion with you since you weren't in a serious relationship with him and hadn't decided even to be exclusive. I thought you only went on a couple of dates? I feel like you're seeing yourself as the victim because you regret having sex so soon and without a commitment?

[somechick99]

I don't think he ghosted you. If a stranger or near stranger love bombs you you can choose to watch the feet -what he does, over a period of time- not what he says when he barely knows you. You made the choice to keep interacting with him. So you weren't passive -you enjoyed it and had fun having sex with him. You were sexually intimate but I don't think the sex obligates him to have a whole discussion with you since you weren't in a serious relationship with him and hadn't decided even to be exclusive. I thought you only went on a couple of dates? I feel like you're seeing yourself as the victim because you regret having sex so soon and without a commitment?

 

Where did I say we only went on a couple of dates? We had been seeing each other over a period of several weeks. We did only have sex a couple of times, on different days. Even if we hadn't had sex I would be equally hurt by his behavior. I never said he needed to have some long discussion with me. A simple "Hey, I've been thinking and I'm not feeling this anymore. It's been fun and I wish you the best" would have sufficed.

 

Literally no idea where you got any of that from.

 

I did enjoy the sex and "love bombing" etc, when his behavior was consistent with it. But to tell someone you really like them for weeks then essentially disappear overnight is not cool.

[Batya33]

Where did I say we only went on a couple of dates? We had been seeing each other over a period of several weeks. We did only have sex a couple of times, on different days. Even if we hadn't had sex I would be equally hurt by his behavior. I never said he needed to have some long discussion with me. A simple "Hey, I've been thinking and I'm not feeling this anymore. It's been fun and I wish you the best" would have sufficed.

 

Literally no idea where you got any of that from.

 

I did enjoy the sex and "love bombing" etc, when his behavior was consistent with it. But to tell someone you really like them for weeks then essentially disappear overnight is not cool.

 

You wrote a lot of information. I got the impression from what you and others wrote that it was only a few dates. Now I see you had sex soon after you met and continued to date. I'm not sure how you thought his behavior was consistent with his words before you really knew him -a few weeks in and having sex -which can cloud judgment -is not knowing someone over a long period of time to see if words and actions match IMHO. It doesn't sound at all from what you wrote that he disappeared over night. It sounds like he lost interest over a period of time and faded away as far as attention. It sounds like you and he were never exclusive so yes he may have said he really liked you but not enough to want you to be exclusive with him -and it's not clear to me whether you wanted to be exclusive with him.

 

Certainly it would have been better form for him to state directly that he didn't plan on seeing you again - but how would that have helped you now? Do you really need to hear the "you're SOOOO amazing but I'm not ready for a relationship (with you) right now?"

 

And yes if after a month or more of dating (whether or not there is sex included) he'd simply ignored you and never responded to you again or made a time/place plan with you and not shown up I would agree with you entirely. But that's not what happened. I also get the sense that you're comfy with casual sex - because you agreed to it with him - but it sounds like you think he owed you more "closure" because you were having sex - I'm not quite sure why unless you two needed to talk about a potential pregnancy or something like that -doesn't sound like that was the situation at all.

[somechick99]

You wrote a lot of information. I got the impression from what you and others wrote that it was only a few dates. Now I see you had sex soon after you met and continued to date. I'm not sure how you thought his behavior was consistent with his words before you really knew him -a few weeks in and having sex -which can cloud judgment -is not knowing someone over a long period of time to see if words and actions match IMHO. It doesn't sound at all from what you wrote that he disappeared over night. It sounds like he lost interest over a period of time and faded away as far as attention. It sounds like you and he were never exclusive so yes he may have said he really liked you but not enough to want you to be exclusive with him -and it's not clear to me whether you wanted to be exclusive with him.

 

Certainly it would have been better form for him to state directly that he didn't plan on seeing you again - but how would that have helped you now? Do you really need to hear the "you're SOOOO amazing but I'm not ready for a relationship (with you) right now?"

 

And yes if after a month or more of dating (whether or not there is sex included) he'd simply ignored you and never responded to you again or made a time/place plan with you and not shown up I would agree with you entirely. But that's not what happened. I also get the sense that you're comfy with casual sex - because you agreed to it with him - but it sounds like you think he owed you more "closure" because you were having sex - I'm not quite sure why unless you two needed to talk about a potential pregnancy or something like that -doesn't sound like that was the situation at all.

 

Perhaps I wasn't very clear in my writing about the sequence of things. We were seeing each other for several weeks with just dates, no sex. Then I decided to have sex with him - we had sex a few times spread out over a couple of days. The last day/time we had sex was the same day the fires etc erupted and we had to separate for awhile regardless - he had issues to take care of with the power outage and smoke at his house, I needed to figure out what to do on my end with the air quality etc. His interest had not appeared to decline at this point or even up until about 4-5 days after we had last had sex/hung out.

 

His interest declined right after he sent the "acknowledge me :(" texts, followed by me having to leave town. Both those events transpired within 24 hours and in the middle of a statewide emergency, about 4 days after we had last seen each other. He said he would contact me when I got back then never communicated.

 

Sex or not, I just think it's poor behavior to knowingly lead someone on then disappear. I never said he needed to tell me I was amazing, it would just be nice if he had the decency to properly break it off versus disappearing. It was my first time having sex in about 8 months and he *claimed* it was his first and only time having sex in over a year - so I wouldn't say I'm "comfortable with casual sex" in the sense you are implying. Regardless it still would have been hurtful for him to disappear.

 

Regarding exclusivity - we had not discussed this yet and I never implied I wanted/needed it. This is partly why I was confused by his disappearing. Even if he was seeing someone else, he technically had nothing to hide. Why not just see two people?

[Capricorn3]

The way I see it is there is really no point in agonising over the why he did whatever he did because you'll never know. Other than asking him directly. So much time and energy wasted in the constant questioning and wondering and going in circles over something you can't change. It is what it is. Yes it's crappy but agonising about it won't change it. All it does is drive you nuts. Crappy things happen to all of us. It's called life. What's done is done. Let it go already and move on. Really.

[somechick99]

Crappy things happen to all of us. It's called life. What's done is done. Let it go already and move on. Really.

 

For me talking about things helps me move on from them. Being able to talk about issues is literally the point of this forum.