Boyfriend has Lolita the film, I was abused as a child (TW)

[abitbroken]

As far as horror films, there are scary movies, and there are some pretty depraved slasher films - way more depraved than Friday the 13th. So if you like your mainstream frights or classic monster films, have at it - it doesn't really speak negatively about you, but if you like the less mainstream stuff especially stuff that was made in decades past and is very niche, it was way more graphic, often gratuitiously exploited women (and no, i am not talking about women in tight sweaters or sex appeal but murdering them in an awful way), then, yes, it says something about you.

 

Many appreciators of film have Lolita in their library online or on their shelf. It doesn't mean they are pedophiles

[Batya33]

I would be ok with the film being on his shelf. Not with the comment about school girls.

[UnsureEmot]

As far as horror films, there are scary movies, and there are some pretty depraved slasher films - way more depraved than Friday the 13th. So if you like your mainstream frights or classic monster films, have at it - it doesn't really speak negatively about you, but if you like the less mainstream stuff especially stuff that was made in decades past and is very niche, it was way more graphic, often gratuitiously exploited women (and no, i am not talking about women in tight sweaters or sex appeal but murdering them in an awful way), then, yes, it says something about you.

 

Many appreciators of film have Lolita in their library online or on their shelf. It doesn't mean they are pedophiles

 

I just want to say I agree on both counts. I didn't watch horribly depraved films, just the mainstream things that most people do. I think the oldest I've seen in The Omen. I'm not searching out snuff films!

 

I also agree with Lolita - I misunderstood really what the film was like, and others here have explained it for me. It wasn't something to be worried about. I think it just snowballed with the comments he had made before and myself being too sensitive to those things. I never said he shouldn't watch it - I just was shocked (now I know unfairly) and upset about the way he responded.

[Seraphim]

I would be more worried about his comments than the film. I for one love horror movies doesn’t make me a psycho. However his comments make him a questionable person.

[Tinydance]

Actually I must disagree regarding slasher. There are many slasher movies which in a sense are just dumb and very over the top, they don't seem real. For example like the Saw franchise movies. In these movies men are just as equally tortured and killed as women so there isn't a theme of misogyny. I know what you are talking about regarding those "niche" movies, especially old movies before they had proper sensorship laws. One time I went to a horror movie marathon at the cinema and as part of it they were showing this movie "The Last House on the Left" which I think was directed by Wes Craven and it's from the 1970's. There seemed to be this wave of realistic style thriller and horror movies in the 70's which were about women being tortured and raped. This Wes Craven movie was filmed like a low budget, hand held camera style and seemed so real. These women were being raped and abused and murdered. I began to wonder, what the actual? Is this one of those snuff movies? But I felt more assured that it wasn't because it was being shown at a well known cinema.

 

But again my opinion is whether it says something about someone's character depends on the extent they are into disturbing content. Like, there is a difference between owning Lolita, a classic piece of literature, and owning like every book and movie with paedophilic themes.

[bluecastle]

I also agree with Lolita - I misunderstood really what the film was like, and others here have explained it for me. It wasn't something to be worried about.

 

No, but it's worth asking if being in a relationship with someone who makes comments about school girls and is dismissive about what you went through as a child is something to worry about.

[UnsureEmot]

I would be more worried about his comments than the film. I for one love horror movies doesn’t make me a psycho. However his comments make him a questionable person.

 

I agree. The grammar school one was made in jest. A lot of times he says he doesn't realise these things will be so offensive as he says he forgets about my past

[UnsureEmot]

Actually I must disagree regarding slasher. There are many slasher movies which in a sense are just dumb and very over the top, they don't seem real. For example like the Saw franchise movies. In these movies men are just as equally tortured and killed as women so there isn't a theme of misogyny. I know what you are talking about regarding those "niche" movies, especially old movies before they had proper sensorship laws. One time I went to a horror movie marathon at the cinema and as part of it they were showing this movie "The Last House on the Left" which I think was directed by Wes Craven and it's from the 1970's. There seemed to be this wave of realistic style thriller and horror movies in the 70's which were about women being tortured and raped. This Wes Craven movie was filmed like a low budget, hand held camera style and seemed so real. These women were being raped and abused and murdered. I began to wonder, what the actual? Is this one of those snuff movies? But I felt more assured that it wasn't because it was being shown at a well known cinema.

 

But again my opinion is whether it says something about someone's character depends on the extent they are into disturbing content. Like, there is a difference between owning Lolita, a classic piece of literature, and owning like every book and movie with paedophilic themes.

 

I think I agree. I'm not looking out for those films. Even Halloween was too much with the sexualisation. I prefer supernatural things like I said. I don't enjoy watching sexual abuse even if fictional.

[SherrySher]

The grammar school comment is not just offensive because of your past, but it's offensive because it does make him look like a pedo.

Who makes comments joking around about staring down young girls? Ick.

 

That comment alone would have me walking the other way.

[DancingFool]

I agree. The grammar school one was made in jest. A lot of times he says he doesn't realise these things will be so offensive as he says he forgets about my past

 

....Oh good grief OP....he is gaslighting you. Yes he DOES know what he is doing and what he is saying. He is not retarded and NO he doesn't forget about your past. He does it because he likes it, because he actually enjoys getting a rise out of you, because he is an actual ahole and you are making excuses for completely inexcusable behavior.

 

He can joke about a million different things - he is CHOOSING to joke about that, things that put you down, leave you feeling hurt, unsafe, uneasy. Make no mistake, OP, he knows what he is doing and he only brushes it off when you call him out on it. "Oh it's just his sense of humor" - because when he says that, it's hard for you to argue with that isn't it? Forgive until next time.....but there is always next time.

 

Look, anyone can slip up once, maybe twice and say something insensitive, but no decent caring human being will joke with you like that, especially knowing your past. None. Not one person and if they do say something inadvertently, they'll be mortified and genuinely apologetic, feel terrible and make sure it never ever happens again and be super conscious of that. This guy is doing none of that. He is just dismissive - oh I forget. Like heck he forgets.

[UnsureEmot]

....Oh good grief OP....he is gaslighting you. Yes he DOES know what he is doing and what he is saying. He is not retarded and NO he doesn't forget about your past. He does it because he likes it, because he actually enjoys getting a rise out of you, because he is an actual ahole and you are making excuses for completely inexcusable behavior.

 

He can joke about a million different things - he is CHOOSING to joke about that, things that put you down, leave you feeling hurt, unsafe, uneasy. Make no mistake, OP, he knows what he is doing and he only brushes it off when you call him out on it. "Oh it's just his sense of humor" - because when he says that, it's hard for you to argue with that isn't it? Forgive until next time.....but there is always next time.

 

Look, anyone can slip up once, maybe twice and say something insensitive, but no decent caring human being will joke with you like that, especially knowing your past. None. Not one person and if they do say something inadvertently, they'll be mortified and genuinely apologetic, feel terrible and make sure it never ever happens again and be super conscious of that. This guy is doing none of that. He is just dismissive - oh I forget. Like heck he forgets.

 

Yeah, I don't think anyone could really forget that. It is perhaps my fault a bit too as I don't want to feel like a burden/too sensitive which I am sometimes (but obviously not all the time in the context of these comments) so I'd sort of prefer he forgot/didn't make the link.

 

Just I'm not sure why anyone would choose to be so horrible in making those comments

[Seraphim]

I agree. The grammar school one was made in jest. A lot of times he says he doesn't realise these things will be so offensive as he says he forgets about my past

 

He forgets your past? What ? My husband would never forget my past and make a comment like that ever. My husband has done walk a mile in her shoes walks for charity. Was part of the women’s defence counsel in the military. No one should make those comments even jest OR drunk. I’m sorry this person is of questionable character.

[bluecastle]

Just I'm not sure why anyone would choose to be so horrible in making those comments

 

Isn’t the more relevant question what you get from being in a relationship with someone who makes those comments?

 

As for why? Easy answer is generally insecurity. Knock another down to feel like you stand a little higher, and so on.

[SherrySher]

You're not too sensitive, OP. The way he talks to you and the comments he's made, is just terrible.

[DancingFool]

Yeah, I don't think anyone could really forget that. It is perhaps my fault a bit too as I don't want to feel like a burden/too sensitive which I am sometimes (but obviously not all the time in the context of these comments) so I'd sort of prefer he forgot/didn't make the link.

 

Just I'm not sure why anyone would choose to be so horrible in making those comments

 

Because they aren't a good human being and unfortunately, those kinds of people exist, more so than we like to admit.

 

It sounds to me like you are so worried about being too sensitive, that the pendulum has swung too far to where you aren't being sensitive enough. Or rather assertive enough to protect yourself from jerks. Think about it - you have a bunch of strangers from all walks of life quite shocked and horrified at the sort of jokes and comments this guy is making to you and how he treats you. You've got some serious red flags slapping you in the face that you shouldn't be ignoring. This is really nothing to do with your past and everything to do with this guy's lack of character and basic decency. You have to learn to actually judge that for your own sake and well being.

[Honeycomb8]

...What the hell is wrong with him. His comments are not funny or amusing, they're f- up. He is not a good person and enjoys making you feel uncomfortable. I really don't know why you're with someone like this.

[Tinydance]

Our partner has to be sensitive and supportive towards our feelings, as we do to them. I think you are within your right to just express to your partner that you don't wish to discuss these kinds of subjects. And that it's important to you that he is mindful of your past and what you've been through at all times. I agree it's worrying he made comments about the girls' school and "all men like younger girls". I mean obviously when said together those comments are unsettling! I would also feel uncomfortable that my boyfriend judges me and other people on my movie and book tastes. Besides, if I'm not younger than my boyfriend and he makes comments like: "All men like younger girls", how am I supposed to feel about that? I can't be younger than him so I would start thinking is he checking out younger women? It's not OK to "forget" about your partner's past. Or to forget about things that worry or hurt your partner in general. E.g. If your partner has a phobia of birds, you wouldn't take them to an aviary. It's just part of being a supportive partner and making sure you work together to keep a happy relationship. I think you are allowed to tell your boyfriend how those comments came across and made you feel. If he did it only once then OK maybe you can let it go. But if he says these things again or you notice anything else about young girls in his possession, then yeah I would start thinking about breaking up.

[shellyf62]

I wasnt abused as a child, but I would never spend my life with a guy who makes jokes and awful comments about young girls or something that happened to me in my past.

He is a tactless ass who has no respect or love for you.

You deserve someone so much better than him!

[LaHermes]

Well, now that we have moved from Lolita to the merits or otherwise of "slasher" films, the main and only pertinent question is:

 

OP, what are you going to do? I take it you do not intend to continue with this individual?

 

As Shelly said:

 

"He is a tactless ass who has no respect or love for you.

You deserve someone so much better than him!"

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? how long have you lived together?

 

Why don't you both tone down the drinking? It seems his stupid/creepy side comes out more and your triggered more.

 

This is not about a classic controversial movie. It's about your unresolved untreated issues, too much drinking and moving in with someone you don't trust and who drinks too much.

 

Make sure you are not using alcohol to cope or numb yourself.

When we were moving in together he made the joke he was glad it was near to a girls' grammar school, he's said to me in the past I should get over it as it wasn't 'like bum-rape' (he was very drunk when he said that), that all men prefer younger women. I think that makes me defensive of it all, as I don't really know where the line is.

[UnsureEmot]

How long have you been dating? how long have you lived together?

 

Why don't you both tone down the drinking? It seems his stupid/creepy side comes out more and your triggered more.

 

This is not about a classic controversial movie. It's about your unresolved untreated issues, too much drinking and moving in with someone you don't trust and who drinks too much.

 

Make sure you are not using alcohol to cope or numb yourself.

 

 

2 years together, the grammar school comment came when we were looking at new flats.

 

I think I misrepresented the drinking, I don't drink frequently as I work full-time. We just finished a 'holiday' at home so that's why we were both drinking more. He does drink more regularly than I do as it is something he does a lot with his friends. But I agree I have drunk too much previously and I am aware of what it does to my mental state.

 

My issues aren't being untreated, I think they're just hard to resolve. I am aware I need to keep improving, as I can't really go through life scared of literature (!), but they're not being neglected

[UnsureEmot]

Well, now that we have moved from Lolita to the merits or otherwise of "slasher" films, the main and only pertinent question is:

 

OP, what are you going to do? I take it you do not intend to continue with this individual?

 

As Shelly said:

 

"He is a tactless ass who has no respect or love for you.

You deserve someone so much better than him!"

 

I think I need to sit on it and reflect a bit. It's been a bit of a shift from nebulous worry around a film to areas where he has actually been disrespectful. There are areas where he has been much better than I in this relationship. But I certainly need to reflect on why I am 'okay' with what has been said and why I am in this relationship if he is putting up all these red flags.

[Rose Mosse]

Avoiding films or material like this might go on for a long time if that's what you need. Be around people are are more sensitive (and sensible) or respectful about you and your past. It doesn't take much to phrase things better or not be a complete ass about something. The issue with relationships is we are invited to be vulnerable around our partners and (hopefully) also receive or experience the same levels of vulnerability from them. Never accept mockery, insensitive comments and rudeness from someone with whom you have an agreement to be vulnerable with. This invalidates the entire point of being in a relationship or sharing intimate experiences and moments.

 

Over time, resentments also develop and a partner who may have thought they were never capable of being a certain way can also harbour so much resentment that they change and become just as hurtful, vindictive, rude and insensitive. If the relationship is changing you, be more aware. It's not a competition about being the most assy or who's the most anxious. Find some equilibrium and don't accept bad behaviour regardless of what point you are at in your healing.