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AITA for breaking up with my fiancé this way?


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Hello,

 

Three days ago on Friday I (30 F) broke up with my fiance (29M) and I want to get some oppinions on if it was the right decison or get second opinion about if I was wrong to do it.

 

It was my mother's birthday on Friday and he came to visit in the afternoon. My mother and father had a plan to go to a trip on Saturday to a two hour city to a monastry because me and my father had a very bad eye infection and my mother made a vow (its a cultural thing) "when my husbands and daughters eyes recover i will visit the monastry". anyways. they said to me tell your fiance and lets go all together. although the main aim of this trip seems like going to the monastry, this would be a road trip as we would travel by the seaside, sit somewhere near the beach eat lunch, feed the donkeys on the road, take pictures near the beach etc, visit the monastry and come back.

 

Knowing my fiance always wanted to do to this trip, in fact, he suggested going there for saturday on thursday night (literaly one night ago), I though t he would be happy to join.

 

when I told him about the trip, he said its a last minute plan, he is tired, he doesnt wanna go, it is too early for him. (we would leave at 9am). then my mother said we can leave later on around 10 am or later. he still said no, I am tired. My mum left right after. he told me he needed a bit more notice so that he could prepare himself psychologically.

 

I got upset because he mentioned going there with me on saturday, but when my mum asked to go together he said no, saying he is tired.

 

He asked me if i am bothered if he doesnt go, i said it is ok if he doesnt come, i cannot force him but i am dissapointed a little bit because this would be the first time we would go somewhere all together with my parents, and it is important for me that he partcipate in family activities like this. I always go to his family events.

 

he said i am sorry i disappointed you but im not coming (in a very sarcastic and mean way). i got realy upset as to me it sounded like he didnt care it is important that he comes. also he didnt have a valid reason apart from saying he is tired. (he is always up for plans with me no matter how early it is).

 

when i said if the problem is my parents because he was willing to go there with me, he said its not like that, he is ok with my parents, but he also said he prefers going with me only.

 

i got more annoyed. i told him i dont know how this relationship would work long term because these kinds of things are important for me, if he had a valid reason or another plan i would understand. on top of everything, im telling him i am dissapointed and upset but he doesnt even care. he suggested he comes to see me after we come back from trip. but since we would come back late around 6pm i said i would be tired and we could meet on sunday instead. and the whole point was i wanted to something different as a family. he said it doesnt matter if i am tired or not. he would come. i said it matters if i am tired, he doesnt wanna come because he is tired it is ok, but when i am tired he still wants to meet me?

 

anyways i didnt want to speak more to him i was so annoyed, i told him i dont wanna speak more and he can leave if he wants. he is like you are firing me out of your house, i said no, i just dont wanna speak because im done you always care about yourself and i just dont know if i want to continue this relationship. he just said ok and agreed. my mother comes in, i asked him if he wants to tell my parents about it, he said yes lets tell them we arenot getting along.

 

we told my parents. they said they doent want to be involved, we should speak when we are calm.

 

he left.

 

when he went home he called me saying he did not do anything wrong and he is still not coming, and after all the things i did, and embrassing him in front of my parents, he doesnt want this relationship. he said i even fired him out of my house, which was not the case. i just said he can leave if he wants because im done talking with him.

 

he also said he has been keeping in so many things just so this relationship woyuld work. When i asked him what those things are, he gave me an example of our engagement night in my house when i didnt go to a meal with him because i was upset due to my rabbits death. he made it sound like it was stupid of me just because my rabbit died. In reality, what happened was I killed my rabbit by stepping on it in a very traumatic way, we rescued the baby rabbit from a dog and i was looking after her, she was sleeping in my bed with me, i had a connection with the rabbit and teh way i killed her one day before our engagment killed me :( i cried for 3-4 days, and i was numb on our engagment night. i could feel my feet steppping on it for around three days. I though he understood me. on our engagement night after it ended we were suppoed to go dinner both of us but i coudnt pretend to be ok and i just went to my bed. he said he is tehre for me and we agreed to go when i feel better. this was 6 months ago. the way he brought it up in a very cruel way when we were breaking up left me speechless.

 

we broke up on my mothers birthday.

 

sorry for my bad english and if i didnt explain this very well.

 

but i wanna know if AITA here.

 

PS: he has been trying to break up with me in every instance in every small thing since january, since 6 days after our engagment. for him everything i do was wrong. for instance two weeks before this, i got upset because i thought he called me a friend ina game to other people. he said i behave so absurtly, its funny how i get upset over a game, i shoould not get upset on nonsense things like this if i wnat this relationship to work. i tried to explain him, i misunderstood and i am sorry but he seemed not to care, he kept insisting i was wrong for misunderstanding and giving him attitude bla bla. he was like before giving me attitude and getting upset, try and ask me....same day i suggested we go to couple counceling (this was somethig he promised to do 3 months ago) but he said he is not going. if someone needs to go to counceling it is me. because the problem is me. I should go and learn how to behave he said.

 

PS: he is a mothers boy. his father left them when he was 7, they dont know where he is. he is under his mothers control. early on in our relationship he promised me to move back to our home country when i find a job there but because his mother wants us to stay in europe, after a few months he said he doesnt know what he will tell his mother if we move back and he said he is not moving back for at least 4 more years etc etc. when i told him we should break up because our long term plans are not aliged he said again we can move back when we are both ready. his mother calls him everyday, messages him throughout the day, asks hm about everything, he tells her everything etc.

Edited by sensitivegirl0
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I’m sorry op. You both sound fed up with the relationship honestly for various reasons that go deeper then him not accompanying you and your family. I’m sorry about your rabbit. I’m a huge animal lover and if that happened to me I would be devastated as well. You did the right thing by calling off the relationship.

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Just to add a few points, on Thursday night we visited my fiances mother and step father with my parents, he was so happy, he told me im his future wife and he cant wait to have kids and be a big family. and just 5 days before during the weekend, he told me he had one of the best weekends with me and he is so happy to have me in his life. if this is the case, then how come you behave like this? i feel played a little bit. we broke up on friday. today i wake up to see he removed me from all his social media platforms, deleted our pictures also deleted my mother. his mother also deleted our engagment picture.

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I'm sorry about your bunny. I too, would have stayed home.

 

 

Does everything always have to go his way? If it does, then this is a blessing. Also, if he has been trying to break up for the last 6 months, then this was inevitable. I'm sorry.

 

Your bf sounds immature and selfish.

Edited by Hollyj
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If you hadn't mentioned your ages, I would've guessed you both to be in your late teens or early twenties. He lacks the maturity to be in a serious relationship. From this experience, you should have learned what you don't want in a relationship, and what is important in choosing a future lifetime partner.

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So sorry about the rabbit. That is awful. It was a terrible accident.

 

I agree with the others... maybe ending things is for the best, even if just for now.

 

If he's been looking for a reason to break up and you've been feeling unsupported, you should not move forward. Marriage takes maturity and ability to work things together, not just pushing the blame back and forth on unrelated scenarios.

 

PS... your English is good! [emoji5] Hang in there. This might work itself out, but maybe not ready for marriage. A little more compromise and better communication is needed.

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With all the issues you listed, his selfishness, being a mamma's boy to that extent, his lack of respect or any kind of empathy toward you or anyone or anything it seems, I'd say breaking up is the smartest and the best thing you've done for yourself. Stay away from him and don't even think about getting back together.

 

The biggest danger warning is what he said to you about keeping his mouth shut about any problems he has with you to make things work. That's not nice, that's not romantic, that's not caring, that's a dangerous person who is building up resentment against you and will take it out on you once you can't walk away from them easily. Beware. When it comes to life partner, look for someone who can speak up, who has empathy, who can communicate the good and the bad without causing drama or boiling in hidden resentments at perceived slights.

 

You've dodged a nasty bullet, now keep walking and don't look back.

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Talk about your plans before getting engaged again if you do get engaged again to someone else or end up patching things up.

 

Where you live and how you'll live should be talked about.

 

Don't drag your parents into your personal affairs. You're making it into a much larger issue than it really is.

 

Respect each other when one person doesn't want to participate in an event, social, trip etc. It was your mother's birthday weekend but instead of spending it focusing on your mother, you were trying to force your boyfriend to be part of the party. In the end who loses out? Your mum? You? Your whole family is upset because you couldn't respect that he didn't want to go on the trip.

 

It's ok to feel disappointed but in future don't let that override and ruin a whole weekend. Have the maturity to step back and accept someone else's choices.

 

You'll have to get used to that in a marriage - key word is respect always. You are not always going to be able to do everything together.

 

Learn to develop your own lives and enjoy time with family and friends independently. Appreciate each other.

 

The kind of coupledom you're witnessing in your parents and conjoined lives you may see in the example set by your parents comes from decades of shared and lived incidents together. Over time a couple comes together more effortlessly together but I think it's a mistake to assume that they do everything together also. I am certain they have their own private moments and things they do on their own, family relatives they visit or chat with personally/individually.

 

Don't go down the negative road of judging his background and his relationship with his mother. Leave that out of the equation and focus on the relationship itself and where both of you have fallen short.

 

Slow down with the expectations. Hold your tongue if you're disappointed. You don't have to take it out on each other.

 

I'm sorry about the bunny. It appears that it ruined the evening for him also and he couldn't enjoy your engagement with you the way he wanted to also.

 

Just be more patient with each other.

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You were wrong for expecting him to go with your mother on short notice like that. If he didn't want to, then it should have been fine and you should have left it at that.

 

But to be honest, the way you describe things between you two, it sounds as though neither of you were very happy and neither of you were connecting very well on many things.

It was not working and both of you were to blame.

 

It's for the best to let it be. A marriage would not work between you two.

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Was this supposed to be an arranged marriage? It seems completely run by your and his parents rather than two consenting mature independent adults.

 

It is not an arranged marriage. It was by chance that when we meet in teh UK with my fiance, we found out his stepfather is our family friend for more than 20 years. My father and his stepfather are really good friends and talk often, go to hunting etc.

 

After months due to covid, we visited them on Thursday, they were inviting us for long time, but we waited for lockdown to be lifted and our eye infections to pass.

 

Traditionally, families are important to us. But we always made sure asking each other if we want to meet up in our houses, in case one or the other doesnt feel comfortable. For instance, on Thursday night i asked my fiance if he is ok with coming to my house on Friday if not we could do something else. but he said ofcourse he wanted to come as he wanted see me and it was my mothers bday.

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Also use this time to realize that he might not be as into the "family thing" as you had thought he was. Decide if you're okay with that, or not. But pushing him to do things and getting angry because he won't, will only make both of you miserable.

 

At this point, you two sound incompatible.

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UPDATE: First of all thank you all for your precious suggestions, opinions and advices.

 

 

We broke up last friday, he deleted me from his social media platforms and all hour pictures on monday. and tuesday he messaged me the following:

 

 

HIM: Hi, i am just giving you a head up, ill be moving out probably by the end of august to another house thats cheaper, so you can come collect your stuff before that or I can move your stuff to my new place and you can collect it whenever you come (but i know you don’t want that). + i will probably go back to london sometime in july, if you want anything for me to do just let me know.

 

ME: ok, thank you for letting me know.

 

HIM: No problem. the earliest i will move out is 22nd august. i will let you know when i leave for london then, i probably will need to get the keys for the house, did you ask about the ring ? i guess you can also give it back to me when you give me the keys.

 

ME: ok, whatever you want, let me know when is good for you and we sort it out.

 

 

 

——

 

in november 2019, i moved to his house (he was with his brother in the house and we were three of us then). in feb this year we all signed a new contract so that my name was in the contract. and i had the keys of the house here with me. also during the break up night on the phone, i mentioned the ring and not sure what happens when someone breaks engagement. he told me ask about it and we talk.

 

 

Today is the 6th day of break up and i have been missing him so much since the day 1 of the break up. And i reflected on the whole relationship, i already realised some of my faults, i have been impulsive in some instances, like last one.

 

i am feeling guilty and i feel like it was my fault i lost him.

 

on the other hand, at times, i also blame him for things that he did wrong and i feel like it was also him losing me.

 

i know what was missing from his side also.

 

it felt like he was looking for an escape since january. he did not care about this relationship since January when he first mentioned breaking up (and this was 6 days after hour engagement).

 

after that within these six months up to our final fight on friday, he was not patient with me at all, every small misunderstanding become so big in his eyes ending up him saying he doesn't want it anymore, he is fed up, he doesn't want to continue like this.

 

for him i was always overreacting and if we had a fight it was my fault and my unreasonable feelings.

 

another reason why i felt like he was looking for an escape was, he let me down by promising to go to counselling to work on this relationship three months ago. but 2 weeks ago, he rejected this idea saying “if a relationship needs counselling it means it is over.” he didn’t say this before, even last year, we considered going to counselling, he booked it but because we felt like we are good for that moment, we didn’t go.

 

 

On the other hand, although, within these six months, he looked like he was looking for an escape in every argument (3 times or so), other times, he seemed so happy all the time, talking about future, how much he loves everyday. in a way, he was lovebombing me, full of attention, messaging me often, calling me, coming to see me, doing everything like he was doing since day 1.

 

 

I still want to work on this relationship. and i don’t want to give the ring back as it has so much meaning for me. i don’t want to look desperate also. i want to apologise for my mistakes, but i don’t know how or if i should at this stage. i don’t know if its too early to apologise. i also want him to realise his mistakes. i think thats only when we can re-unite.

 

so when we meet up for the keys and the ring, what do you think i should tell him? should i give him the ring just like that?

 

 

also my friend suggested i write him a letter, talking about how things made me feel in our relationship, and how it would not work this way.

 

what do you think?

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also, in january when he broke up with me. he told his mother about the argument and break up after we decided to continue, his mother called my mother saying "this time its all Sensitevegirl's fault" (my fault), but my son decided to give her a change". and my mother said i dont know what happened, my daugter didnt tell me anything but i believe in a relationship its always two people contributing toward a problem (something along those lines).

 

snce than his mother was not the same towards me.

 

and my parents and friends think his mother plays a big part in this break up. they think she put the idea of break up in his mind or efffected him.

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UPDATE: First of all thank you all for your precious suggestions, opinions and advices.

 

 

We broke up last friday, he deleted me from his social media platforms and all hour pictures on monday. and tuesday he messaged me the following:

 

 

HIM: Hi, i am just giving you a head up, ill be moving out probably by the end of august to another house thats cheaper, so you can come collect your stuff before that or I can move your stuff to my new place and you can collect it whenever you come (but i know you don’t want that). + i will probably go back to london sometime in july, if you want anything for me to do just let me know.

 

ME: ok, thank you for letting me know.

 

HIM: No problem. the earliest i will move out is 22nd august. i will let you know when i leave for london then, i probably will need to get the keys for the house, did you ask about the ring ? i guess you can also give it back to me when you give me the keys.

 

ME: ok, whatever you want, let me know when is good for you and we sort it out.

 

 

 

 

sorry i missed the last text.

 

HIM: thank you MY NAME, i will let you know.

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