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So I have been seeing a man for a year, he is 55 and I am 57. We met thru an online dating site. After date 3 I was hesitant to see him again. Most men tell me they like something about me on date 1....either it is my smile, my personality, my eyes. With this guy there was nothing and I told him I was not getting the feel he liked me because he had not mentioned anything. He said that his exwife had said the same thing and told me basically he has "no game" and he doesn't know why. He told me that he did like me or he would not see me again.

 

We see each other once a week, a couple time we have seen each other twice in a week, and there has been a couple times we had to wait 2 weeks to see each other. He and I both work long hours and strange times. He still has school age children living at home which he cares for part time so that also makes it hard to see each other more. That has not been an issue. My days are very busy! I told him that eventually I hoped to one day be with the man I would call my friend for life and right now I am just enjoying life and getting to know the person I am with (first date) and that is how we have approached this relationship, just continuing to get to know each other. I can say that I have very fond feelings for this man, he is a good man. he does not gush all over me with adoring words but he does tell me that he appreciates me or he appreciates something I have done for him. My feelings have become pretty intense however I have not voiced this to him as I am afraid of chasing him away.

 

I let him do all the chasing for the first 6 months....he planned and paid for every date and we did all kinds of fun stuff. I didn't even invite him to my house in that first 6 months. Now we take turns, he comes to me one week and I go to him the next. If he comes to me I plan the event and vise versa.

 

For the summer I get my weekends off so I want to take advantage of my days off and actually would like to spend a little more time with him and would like to get out and travel a little together. I mentioned to him that now that summer is here I would like to get away for the weekend, he told me that he understood that but nothing was indicated that he would be interested or that he would like to be part of that. I am hesitant to ask him to go away with me for a weekend. Should I wait for him to ask me?

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According to your pattern so far, whoever's turn it is plans and pays, so invite him for a weekend getaway. Make sure it doesn't interfere with having his kids.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I think your stance of letting him "chase" you for half the time you've been dating him was fun for him for the thrill of the chase but did not establish the foundation for a healthy, balanced relationship. I bet he's burnt out from all that chasing and now that he sees he won you over he's not interested in putting in any effort.Why did you want someone who would have to chase you -especially for 6 months? (I am 53 by the way). Sure I get that in traditional dating the man does more or most of the asking out in the beginning but that's not "chasing" if he gets an enthusiastic response. Why did you let him pay for you all that time -did you offer?? I went out with men who just would not let me pay -so I bought them gifts, cooked for them, etc etc.

It sounds like you're really hung up on game playing and really hung up on ..... yourself. So, now that you have weekends off you expect him to jump to attention and be available because of your time off? After a year -sure ask him if he wants a weekend away, you plan it. And also ask yourself if you like him or rather you like how he chased you the first 6 months? Two different things.

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After a year you're still afraid of scaring him away?

 

It sounds like you have forged forward with a luke warm guy, minimizing your needs, but telling yourself he is chasing you. but ultimately setting up a dynamic where you never really say what you actually want.

 

Now a full year later, its a comfy yet unfulfilling relationship.

 

He admits to being aguy with no game. And he is 57. So that's who he is. That will not change. So you will have to take the reigns. Don't say, I want to travel. You have to say I want us to travel. Figure out a trip and present it to him.

 

I think you really sold yourself short to a guy that isnt a take charge guy. No offense to the take charge guys of the world or the along for the ride guys... they're just two different types of guys.

 

If your used to compliments and special plans planned by your guy and want those things, why did you keep seeing a guy that is not those things?

 

Its like buying bananas and then disappointed they aren't oranges. The most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

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My feelings have become pretty intense however I have not voiced this to him as I am afraid of chasing him away.My feelings have become pretty intense however I have not voiced this to him as I am afraid of chasing him away.

 

Wow. After an entire year together, you should have a really good comfort level with a partner. The fact that you're afraid to address anything important in the relationship means it's on very shaky ground. Has he ever told you he loves you? Do you match sexually? Do you laugh a lot together? Does he show you physical affection besides sex? Do you share the same life goals? What is it that you enjoy about his company when you're together? How does he show you that you're important to him as his romantic partner?

 

I am hesitant to ask him to go away with me for a weekend. Should I wait for him to ask me?

 

Again, who has built up these walls? You, him, or the both of you. It's like you're speaking about a stranger. What are you so afraid of? How about asking:

"Hey, I'd like to treat you to a weekend on xxx date at xxx. Sound like fun to you?"

If the relationship is remaining stagnant, ask yourself why and what you should do about it.

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I think he is cautious. He appears like the kind of man who doesn't make promises he can't keep.

 

Do you mind me asking how long he's been separated or divorced?

 

You shouldn't be walking on eggshells with each other. Work more on your communication with each other. Don't come at him with a weekend getaway again.

 

Ask him what his plans are for the summer instead (open-ended). He might have a shared or planned trip with his ex-wife and the kids or there may be a family vacation you are not aware of.

 

These feelings and the confusion you're going through is very natural for the early dating stages. Just be patient with each other. You'll want to do many things but he may also have other ideas.

 

Ask him questions about himself that don't involve "yes" or "no" answers , open-ended questions. See how he communicates with you.

 

You should be able to gauge whether he is actively keeping information from you or whether he has difficulty expressing himself. Some people need help sharing and that is ok.

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Since you've been seeing a man for a year, you should feel comfortable enough to ask him if he wants to join you for a weekend getaway. He'll either agree to be with you for a weekend or decline since after all, he still has school age children living at home whom he cares for part time. He's a very busy father and may devote many weekends for his children which is to be expected at this stage in his life.

 

Don't play games regarding who chases whom. Be more mature and grown up than that. Have great communication with him and hopefully you can get the weekend getaway you want with him. If not, it's not the end of the world. Understand that he's still a father and has other moral duties and commitments to his family. You're not his priority due to his fatherhood.

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The man that you like, and the man that can offer you the relationship you want, ideally are the same man but it is important to recognize when they are not.

 

This man, despite how into him you are, may never be able to/want to offer you the relationship you are seeking. All indications are that you recognized this on the third date. A lot of people seem to be on dating sites to find someone who is into them, to give them attention, but are not that concerned about finding someone that THEY can be interested in. He may be one of those. Especially since his priorities lie elsewhere (his kids) and you are somewhere down the list beneath them.

 

Me, I would tell (and have told) any man in this position to let me know when he is ready to participate in a real relationship, and move on to find what *I* want. Don't let it take you a year. The signs are there long before that (and the third date is usually that time in my experience).

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You say that all men had given you a compliment on the first date. You are not 20 with a man trying to get you in the sack so tells you that you have the most gorgeous eyes in the world. Guys who are a little older - 40s , 50s that are looking or a wife or are divorced and dating are for the most part, unless they are a major player, regular people who are not out to lay a cheesey line on you. If you enjoy his company, and he has expressed appreciation for things that you have done or admires your qualities, then he sounds like a pretty solid guy.

 

Let me be honest.

Most states have been through a pandemic. Restaurants are takeout only or at 25-50% capacity. The last thing i want to do is get on an airplane, go to a resort or go to a tourist trap. I think its really not fair to assume he doesn't care to ever travel. Its the LAST thing i want to do right now.

 

Honestly, saying "i would like to travel more" would be met with a "oh, that's cool." You need to be specific. What does he like to do? Is he a camping type of guy? A beach guy? does he like museums? I think saying "hey, you always wanted to check out that musuem in that city 3 hours a way and i wanted to check out that restaurant there. What do you think if we went on a little overnight there? Going away overnight for the first time is a big deal in a way. And he has school aged kids that he needs to be back for for his days that he has them and for their school functions. Right now most kids are out of school or have been for some time.

 

Wait until travel is a little more comfortable and with his interests in mind, initiate a plan or an idea. But something you would like to do, also.

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Probably too much reading. The books say to let them chase. I have a girlfriend also who is dating and has been seeing her guy 6 months longer than me and she never even initiates texts.

 

I saw a man before this one and we were instantly a couple, he didn't let me pay for things at first and then when he did we did the same thing, his turn and then my turn. When we broke up he told me I wanted to much of his time and really we weren't seeing each other any more than what this man and I are. So I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to chase a man off and I want to give him the space he needs like the books say. I actually not into games, I do not like it when I feel men are playing with me.

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After a year you're still afraid of scaring him away?

 

It sounds like you have forged forward with a luke warm guy, minimizing your needs, but telling yourself he is chasing you. but ultimately setting up a dynamic where you never really say what you actually want.

 

Now a full year later, its a comfy yet unfulfilling relationship.

 

He admits to being aguy with no game. And he is 57. So that's who he is. That will not change. So you will have to take the reigns. Don't say, I want to travel. You have to say I want us to travel. Figure out a trip and present it to him.

 

I think you really sold yourself short to a guy that isnt a take charge guy. No offense to the take charge guys of the world or the along for the ride guys... they're just two different types of guys.

 

If your used to compliments and special plans planned by your guy and want those things, why did you keep seeing a guy that is not those things?

 

Its like buying bananas and then disappointed they aren't oranges. The most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

 

Everything is getting all mixed up here!!!!!!! So HE plans everything and pays for everything the first 6 months (as stated in my original post) and you are asking me why I stayed with a man who doesn't plan things????? He is 55, I am 57 (not that it matter). He definitely can take charge, I have seen it. He does not try to dominate me and I am thankful for that. He does compliment it and I explained this.

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Wow you make dating harder than it seems. To me it's about compatibility and how well you "click". If you are tormented with thoughts of "am I doing too much?" "He should be chasing me." "I'm afraid I might scare him off." doesn't some like much fun/enjoyment. Dating the right person should flow easily, without any doubts, have some intensity, romance, serenity, and thoughtfulness by both parties. Should never have to stand on your head for anything in fear of losing them...and stop reading that book. It's not helping you any.

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Do we match sexually? Oh my word, we are absolutely amazing together. I feel his energy and his interest and he feels mine, we were just talking about this the last time we were together. When it comes to this area we are both very compatible, we talk openly, we are both experimental and had marriages where our partner was not so we have expressed how good it feels to be with someone who we feel sexually compatible with. Other than sex we have been to concerts, played board games, went bowling, went to a baseball game, we both share a common interest in fitness and weight lifting, he actually likes travel and I have traveled a great deal overseas, we talk about world events and politics and share in those areas, we laugh all of the time together and he has told me he loves to hear me laugh, we have gone to comedy clubs and movies together, various restaurants and sometimes just out for dessert. We actually have done quite a bit together and I very much enjoy his company. I don't think that I have any walls up and I don't feel he does either. There is no stagnation here.

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I think it hit is right there....he is cautious and no he does not make promises that he can't keep. he also does not make plans and cancel. I have been able to count on him. I too am cautious. This August marks 4 years since my divorce (married 24 years), and he has been divorced for 2 1/2 years (after being married 15 years).

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Everything is getting all mixed up here!!!!!!! So HE plans everything and pays for everything the first 6 months (as stated in my original post) and you are asking me why I stayed with a man who doesn't plan things????? He is 55, I am 57 (not that it matter). He definitely can take charge, I have seen it. He does not try to dominate me and I am thankful for that. He does compliment it and I explained this.
good luck.
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I think it hit is right there....he is cautious and no he does not make promises that he can't keep. he also does not make plans and cancel. I have been able to count on him. I too am cautious. This August marks 4 years since my divorce (married 24 years), and he has been divorced for 2 1/2 years (after being married 15 years).

 

It sounds like you both get along just fine. Enjoy your time together and leave room for other plans.

 

I agree with the others and also repeat my suggestion before: either ask him about the weekend getaway (if you want an answer for that specifically) or ask him in general if he has any plans for the summer and name x month to x month.

 

For example, "I was looking at the rest of the summer coming up on my calendar and it looks like I'll be free on the weekends from July to August. Do you have any vacation plans or would you like to plan a weekend roadtrip or a vacation together for one or two nights?"

 

See how he responds.

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If after an entire year of getting naked and swapping bodily fluids - if merely asking him to travel with me would scare him off, I'd say I'm either in the wrong headspace or with the wrong man.

 

^ This! I have never understood this either. Just can't get my head around it.

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Look up ideas for a weekend getaway. It's really not that difficult. You admit to lazily putting the onus of the effort on him the entire first six months. You can invest a few minutes Googling options.

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BTW, if he is a cautious guy, do NOT ask him to go on a getaway right now. Respect the lock downs or travel limits of places you might go. Maybe talk about it in September based on what is going on with covid and restrictions. You don't want to end up at a closed hotel, having an unenjoyable time because there are no drinks served at the beach cabana, etc. Its just not the time to test someone or feel you need to make a step in the relationship with travel

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