Invite to funeral

[Wiseman2]

It seems you still feel upset about being excluded from his life in many ways. I have never received an 'invitation' to a funeral, sitting Shiva, etc. It's not a party. People pay respects in appropriate ways. For example going to a wake or sending food, etc.. The most you should say to him is 'let me know if there is anything I can do". However consult whatever religious/cultural situation and do what is customary.

 

Has he reached out to you? No? Then let him and his family be in peace. Why are you not even sending the appropriate condolences? Maybe if you do the appropriate thing, you'll hear from him. Is that fact that he may be busy with this upsetting you? Do not contact him and force him to tell you what is appropriate.

[Batya33]

I don’t know if you’re familiar with her posting history but if you took a peak, I have no doubt it would make perfect sense to you

 

Oh I was and I was treating this as a standalone because it's a perfect example of when -if you want to be a giving person - you focus on the other person and being a support at a time of loss rather than her focus (even in one of the last posts when she was back to "isn't it obvious that a partner would want you there/his ex might be there" stuff). I know and read the other posts and figured I could contribute more by asking her to focus on this particular type of experience that unfortunately many partners go through -the loss of a loved one.

[figureitout23]

Oh I was and I was treating this as a standalone because it's a perfect example of when -if you want to be a giving person - you focus on the other person and being a support at a time of loss rather than her focus (even in one of the last posts when she was back to "isn't it obvious that a partner would want you there/his ex might be there" stuff). I know and read the other posts and figured I could contribute more by asking her to focus on this particular type of experience that unfortunately many partners go through -the loss of a loved one.

 

Ya, I saw that as I read more, thanks for elaborating 😊

[maew]

He showed up every single evening for the condolence call. She told me she so appreciated him being there because he hung out, talked to people, didn't try to distract her (she was busy speaking to the visitors, etc and of course grieving terribly). He just showed up. No expectations.

 

This is beautiful. I am sure most people would appreciate a selfless friend that showed up to be supportive without expecting anything in return.

 

Ask him for the details of the funeral, and then show up without expectations. If he explicitly says he doesn't want you there then respect his wishes and don't take it personally.

[Cherylyn]

Ask you partner if you can attend with him so you can pay your respects. The worst he can say is no. If he declines your attendance, then back off and don't make an issue of this. Give everyone space and a lot of time to grieve and mourn.

 

There are times when the best thing to do is to stay out of other people's way. They're too consumed and overwhelmed with their bereft state.

[boltnrun]

Are you worried about his ex being there? Is that why you want to be there? To stake your claim so to speak?

 

A funeral of a family member is an inappropriate place to attempt this if that's the case.

[TeeDee]

My partner's close family member just passed away. I didn't know him but I met his adult daughter.

I am not sure if he will ask me to support him at funeral.

Somehow I would feel left out if his friends will be there but not me.

Is it wrong to think that?

 

It all depends. How long have you been together? I think I read that it's been since last December. Where is the funeral? If you have to get on a plane or stay over night to be there, as the SO of less then 1 year, no I don't think your presence is required. If it's a local event, you can simply go & pay your respects. I'd ask him if he wanted you there the whole time. It might be a little early for you to be that intimately involved with the family.

[catfeeder]

I am not sure if he will ask me to support him at funeral.

 

Ask him if whether he would prefer that you attend the funeral, or not. Don't wait for an invitation--people don't 'invite' others when they're grieving.

 

If he prefers 'not,' then we can all tell you reasons why it's not wise to internalize that, but you'll do it anyway.

[irka000]

He calls everyday and appears to be keeping strong. I think he is in a big shock still.

I always thought that in time of such difficult times people turn to their partners for support or simply a company. He said he has things to sort it out this weekend.

It does make me sad that he doesn't need me. We share good times than why not bad times?

Most my friends said that he will need me now and he doesn't seem to.

I know relationship is not on his mind now and he doesn't have energy for it but I thought he would need just be around me ...for comfort.

Not sure how to be supportive from a distance.

[Wiseman2]

His needs to be with his family right now. Try to find something else to do with your friends this weekend.

[irka000]

Thank you Wiseman...and thank you for not judging me .. I am doing a lot this weekend and almost feeling guilty for having a good time while I know he has not.

Over the last few months we became really close. I was in hospital very sick and he was there for me. I wanted him close and he was there, cooking and looking after me. It was only a week but it meant a lot.

I also wanted to be there for him ... thought he will need my presence to not feel alone in it.

I was even thinking that his friends may wonder why I am not there in times like this. We spent most weekends together. In times like this I am not around ?

I offered to bring him food and do shopping. He was grateful but declined. He said he didn't want to trouble me. I know he wants to be strong. He is a proud man.

I just hope he won't feel resentment later that I offered instead of actually doing it.

[figureitout23]

He calls everyday and appears to be keeping strong. I think he is in a big shock still.

I always thought that in time of such difficult times people turn to their partners for support or simply a company. He said he has things to sort it out this weekend.

It does make me sad that he doesn't need me. We share good times than why not bad times?

Most my friends said that he will need me now and he doesn't seem to.

I know relationship is not on his mind now and he doesn't have energy for it but I thought he would need just be around me ...for comfort.

Not sure how to be supportive from a distance.

 

You can let him know you’re there while still giving him space. Just in a couple of days send a basic short texts like ‘thinking of you’ it lets them know you’re there while respecting their need to be alone.

 

You’re right, your relationship most likely isn’t on his mind, but that’s not a bad thing, it’s perfectly normal to not be focused on your partner when your are going through a hardship. Especially a new relationship, you haven’t even reached your one year mark yet. Why do you feel you must be his top priority to feel ok with your relationship.

 

I see you feel judged, it’s not judgement, it’s a recognition that this has much more to do about you than the actual relationship which seems to be doing just fine, despite your potentially damaging thoughts

[Rose Mosse]

That's weird. I'm referring to the resentful comment (your fear of resentment coming from him).

 

Has he ever showed himself to be resentful in the past? Or is that something you would feel if you were in his position? If he's been up/down, a rollercoaster or unpredictable or even two-faced about his behaviours/reactions, that's not very nice. If he's proud, he's proud. He may just be independent by nature.

[itsallgrand]

Sometimes it can be comforting having a touchstone who is not intimately tied in with the grief. That can be a form of support too, being a reprieve from all this other heavy stuff he is dealing with.

[boltnrun]

Be sure to not make this about you.

 

It's not about you. Losing a parent makes all kinds of emotions come to the surface, oftentimes regret, and a profound sense of loss.

 

The worst thing you could do is be all "but what about MEEEEEE???!!!"

 

If you can't resist making it about you (worrying that his friends will wonder where you are!!!!), at least don't voice it to him or his friends.

[Batya33]

Be sure to not make this about you.

 

It's not about you. Losing a parent makes all kinds of emotions come to the surface, oftentimes regret, and a profound sense of loss.

 

The worst thing you could do is be all "but what about MEEEEEE???!!!"

 

If you can't resist making it about you (worrying that his friends will wonder where you are!!!!), at least don't voice it to him or his friends.

 

I agree. And you continue to assume that just because you wanted him physically close he wants you physically close in a funeral situation. He's not you, you're not him and if you want a relationship with him one of the caring things you can do is address his needs in the way he feels comfortable - learn about what he needs rather than assuming his needs match yours.

 

And at some point you have to decrease or stop reacting to "what will his friend's think?" I didn't attend my mother in law's funeral because my husband and father in law decided it would be too much for me to take our young son out of state for a week on such short notice. I was ready to do whatever they wanted. My husband read a eulogy I wrote and i watched the funeral online. But I am sure certain friends and family members didn't know all the facts and judged me for not being there. But I had to do what my family wanted and what was best for my family. And prioritize that over "what will people think"

[irka000]

I really struggle with the fact that he didn't need me around. If not now than when ? He didn't contact me much over the weekend.

I called to check on him. I asked if he would like me to attend funeral.

He said that most probably this will be family event.

I said I understood. I don't think these appropriate circumstances to introduce me to family members I didn't meet.

Besides some may remember him with his ex and may not be updated that they are no longer together or that he has someone new.

I get that part.

I do struggle to understand why in difficult times he doesn't need me around. Does that mean he treats us casually ?

I took your advices and I acknowledged that this is not the time to check in and discuss relationship matters. However, in a few months I would need to evaluate this relationship and ask some questions.

[boltnrun]

You're still making this about you.

 

When a close family member dies, it's not the time to expect him to be focusing on how it affects YOU. In fact, it doesn't affect you other than being ready and willing to provide whatever support he asks for.

 

Good luck bringing up the topic in the future, when you ask him "remember when your close family member died and you didn't pay attention to ME!!!???" That's go over just great.

[Wiseman2]

This is not about your self esteem. This is not another measurement of whether he is into you or not. This not an opportunity to meet his family. This is not a date. This is not a party. It Is A Funeral. Someone Died.

 

Stay busy with friends, since you refuse to send condolences, flowers, fruit, whatever to him or his family or actually Do something appropriate and comforting. It's bizarre that his family member dies and you want him to comfort You, no?

I really struggle with the fact that he didn't need me around.

I called to check on him. I asked if he would like me to attend funeral.

He said that most probably this will be family event.

[irka000]

I think I see this as togetherness in sorrow. Why am there if is all rosy but not when is really bad ?

I want to show that I am not afraid of tough times and I don't need to be around him only when he is cheerful.

I want him to know that he can be himself and suffer a front of me. Doesn't need to be strong and unmoved all the time

Wiseman always appreciate your input and trust me I offered to do shopping and send some food. He was grateful but declined.

His borther lives in another country. I met another brother but no idea where he lives.

I arranged for the flowers to be send.

So not all bad.

[irka000]

Boltnrun I do see your point. Thank you

[bluecastle]

I think I see this as togetherness in sorrow. Why am there if is all rosy but not when is really bad ?

I want to show that I am not afraid of tough times and I don't need to be around him only when he is cheerful.

I want him to know that he can be himself and suffer a front of me. Doesn't need to be strong and unmoved all the time

Wiseman always appreciate your input and trust me I offered to do shopping and send some food. He was grateful but declined.

His borther lives in another country. I met another brother but no idea where he lives.

I arranged for the flowers to be send.

So not all bad.

 

I don't know what to say, Irka, that hasn't been said. What I see, above, is you using a death in his family, and how he processes that death, as a gauge for how "into you" he is. You have an idea of who you want him to be, in grief, and are frustrated that he is not being that man for you, depriving you of some kind of reward or the realization of an idea of a relationship that you crave. You have a movie in your mind—call it "Togetherness In Sorrow"—and you sound very annoyed at him not sticking to your script.

 

Wanting a reward for selflessness, whether it's him crying on your shoulder or announcing to the world that you are his forever partner, is simply selfish. Understandable and human, sure, but also selfish.

 

Simply put, this is not the time for this. You have three issues here: your own much-documented insecurity, your own doubts, percolating since December, that you are with a man who is not into you, and this man presently grieving a death of a loved one. Separate them, don't blur them, while recognizing that, right now, the latter eclipses the former two. It just does.

 

You support someone through grief simply by being there, and accepting them in whatever shape they are in, not the shape that makes their grief more soothing to you. They may be cold, they may be hot. They may cry, they may be stoic. And so on and so forth. They may want to talk to you daily, or not talk to you for a week, and they may change their disposition suddenly. That is grief, humanity at its rawest. It is not a verdict on you.

[Batya33]

I think I see this as togetherness in sorrow. Why am there if is all rosy but not when is really bad ?

I want to show that I am not afraid of tough times and I don't need to be around him only when he is cheerful.

I want him to know that he can be himself and suffer a front of me. Doesn't need to be strong and unmoved all the time

Wiseman always appreciate your input and trust me I offered to do shopping and send some food. He was grateful but declined.

His borther lives in another country. I met another brother but no idea where he lives.

I arranged for the flowers to be send.

So not all bad.

 

Instead of physical togetherness think of it as support during sorrow -support in the way the suffering person needs it which might be physical togetherness or something else. Today my husband wanted a hug before he left for a loooong and stressful day of work. Sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes I offer one if he seems to need one. I actually do my best to give him a wide berth lately when he's getting ready for one of his longer days of work or a business trip, etc. I find that that is the most supportive to him so he can focus on what needs to get done and not feel like he has to pay attention to me. I let him call the shots as to what he needs as far as togetherness at those times.

 

I'm glad your boyfriend appreciated your efforts re: the offer of food.

[irka000]

Thank you all so much.

Blue castle you made me shed a tear of embarrassment. Thank you for this.

I do need to change my ways and not see things through my eyes only. Wiseman and Boltnrun thank you for opening my eyes, again.

[Batya33]

I think you are seeing it in this way because there's an undercurrent here of you thinking he is not as into you as you are into him so you continue to look for signs that he is into you, that he sees potential for the long term. I don't think you are necessarily like this in general, you are just reacting to your insecure feelings. The problem is when you subject him to your insecure feelings by wanting him to act/react in a certain way to prove he is into you.