Invite to funeral

[irka000]

Thank you Batya, I think you assessed this so very well.

He is a wonderful boyfriend. I honestly can't complain but I still did not hear these 3 words which would make a difference in my heart.

I can feel that he has feelings for me but how deep are they, that I don't know.

He told me recently he adores me which to me is more than like but less than love.

Not ideal. I know he has been burned badly by the ex. Than again who doesn't have scars in our age ?

He is also a first man I met who compartmentalise everything so clearly. When he is with me, nothing else matters, when is at home chilling , nothing else matters etc. When he is with his friends, nothing else matters too etc. Sometimes I feel like there is no flow to it all. That he put brakes on. Not sure how to explain. Sometimes I need to get re-familiar with him again if we don't contact each other for a few days or don't see.

Maybe he focuses on other things when not with me and I am always having him in my mind?

I know the moment I will truly relax, things will get better. I just hope it won't be too late for us than.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Now leave them alone as a family to grieve. He knows how to reach you.

I arranged for the flowers to be send.

[bluecastle]

Here's the thing, Irka: What you are describing is, in ways, a nearly year-long relationship in which you are waiting to feel like you're really in a relationship. You are waiting to "truly relax," to truly feel "in it," and creating things you need (like those three words) in order to achieve that state of nirvana. That's a tough state of being at the best of times—and one that, as you're right now learning, will be extra tough in tough times.

 

At some point you will have to decide if that works for you. This is not that point, just like the time to sweep the front porch is not during a dust storm. But in your shoes I would probably be asking those questions to some degree. Another way to see this thread—a way that might be more helpful to you—is that you are concerned with who you are in your own skin, as your partner grieves, which is a magnified extension of who you are in your own skin alongside your partner. Are you able to be the woman you want to be—inside yourself and, by extension, to your partner?

 

I think that should always be a focus, in part so that our core is strong when life comes along and throws a blow to the core—our core, the core of a friend, the core of a partner.

[Batya33]

Thank you Batya, I think you assessed this so very well.

He is a wonderful boyfriend. I honestly can't complain but I still did not hear these 3 words which would make a difference in my heart.

I can feel that he has feelings for me but how deep are they, that I don't know.

He told me recently he adores me which to me is more than like but less than love.

Not ideal. I know he has been burned badly by the ex. Than again who doesn't have scars in our age ?

He is also a first man I met who compartmentalise everything so clearly. When he is with me, nothing else matters, when is at home chilling , nothing else matters etc. When he is with his friends, nothing else matters too etc. Sometimes I feel like there is no flow to it all. That he put brakes on. Not sure how to explain. Sometimes I need to get re-familiar with him again if we don't contact each other for a few days or don't see.

Maybe he focuses on other things when not with me and I am always having him in my mind?

I know the moment I will truly relax, things will get better. I just hope it won't be too late for us than.

 

Do you think he is this way with you or in general - and how do you know that he compartmentalizes when he is not with you? Are you just assuming that about him because he doesn't contact you as much as you would like? You both should focus on other things even when you are together especially if its a whole weekend. Otherwise things get stale, there's nothing to tell each other, etc.

You are in control of "truly relaxing" - you are in control of choosing to accept him as he is and choosing to accept what he is offering you as he is. When you accept who he is and what he offers you will feel relaxed.

 

Are you focused on him/is he in your thoughts because you are focused on how he is doing, or are you focused on whether he is thinking about you or into you enough? Two different things.

[irka000]

Thank you All again.

Batya, I forgot to mention that I really liked how you wrote about your husband and your way of supporting him.

As for my bf, not sure if he is like this with me only or others. We do other things when we together. We even work being in the same room and it is good. It's not just looking at each others eyes. No no.

 

I keep reading all your responses here and it does help to remain supportive from a distance.

He certainly distanced himself.

The only thing is when I call him he actually seems very collected. He laughs and jokes as normal but he doesn't get in touch himself.

 

I guess we all coping in the way we do- different.

I will wait a few days and find out if he is ok and needs anything.

[Batya33]

Thank you All again.

Batya, I forgot to mention that I really liked how you wrote about your husband and your way of supporting him.

As for my bf, not sure if he is like this with me only or others. We do other things when we together. We even work being in the same room and it is good. It's not just looking at each others eyes. No no.

 

I keep reading all your responses here and it does help to remain supportive from a distance.

He certainly distanced himself.

The only thing is when I call him he actually seems very collected. He laughs and jokes as normal but he doesn't get in touch himself.

 

I guess we all coping in the way we do- different.

I will wait a few days and find out if he is ok and needs anything.

 

So why are you saying he is distancing himself as opposed to taking space -meaning nothing to do with you! Thanks so much for your kind words about how I tried to support my husband. Also as far as laughing and joking again I find that quite judgmental - people grieve in different ways. This may be his way of getting in touch with himself or going into that process - yes we all cope in different ways and yes it would be nice if you check in with him to see how he is doing.

[irka000]

I am not going to lie. I am terrified he will push me away slowly and ends things eventually.

I checked several websites about grieving partners and so many people were writing how their grieving partners slowly or not , ended relationships.

Wish I didn't read that.

I need to stop thinking about me. I know, I know.

Year ago, we dated for 3 months when we both met challenges in our life- massive! ....he ended than when I asked if he thinks we should do so.

It was too much for us both. The worse possibly timing and too fresh relationship to handle it.

He found me when we both were in better places and fought to get me back. But now he is going through this tragedy and I hope he doesn't consider ending this.

I will be patient and supportive. I own him this.

[Batya33]

I am not going to lie. I am terrified he will push me away slowly and ends things eventually.

I checked several websites about grieving partners and so many people were writing how their grieving partners slowly or not , ended relationships.

Wish I didn't read that.

I need to stop thinking about me. I know, I know.

Year ago, we dated for 3 months when we both met challenges in our life- massive! ....he ended than when I asked if he thinks we should do so.

It was too much for us both. The worse possibly timing and too fresh relationship to handle it.

He found me when we both were in better places and fought to get me back. But now he is going through this tragedy and I hope he doesn't consider ending this.

I will be patient and supportive. I own him this.

 

So I think this whole thing has too much drama. Why did you need him to "fight" for you to get you back? Why all the push pull stuff. So here's the thing. I read all about cheating partners, emotional affairs, etc, divorce statistics -none of it ruffles my feathers at all, none of it makes me wonder personally if that is going on in my marriage -because I feel secure. When I was pregnant I had to stop myself from reading stuff on the internet because I was very insecure about the miscarriage risks -I was terrified at times, actually. So I get that if you start out feeling insecure then reading the parade of horribles on the internet is going to affect you more than if you are secure in your relationship.

My husband lost both his parents within 3 years. Many of my friends given our ages are married or committed and have lost loved ones. If the relationship is secure it's supposed to weather life events like that.

Good for you for being patient and supportive. If he ends it it won't be because he lost a loved one it will be because the relationship is not working for him - I don't think it would have anything at all to do with this tragedy. He may have "fought" to get you back and that's really romantic. The true test though of a relationship that's going to last is more slow and steady - there sure is a dance of intimacy where there are times of minor push/pull but when it gets more intense - like you're analyzing how often he is contacting you during his mourning period and you have to walk on eggshells to decide how to interact with him during a sad time - that doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

[bluecastle]

I am terrified he will push me away slowly and ends things eventually.

 

I don't mean this judgmentally, but don't you think the above sentence describes a pretty consistent mental state since December? I'll spare the play-by-play, but it seems that you have been on eggshells for a long time, if not the whole time, with the non-eggshell moments being the exception to the rule.

 

How normal that is for you—in life and love—only you can say. But it is the norm in this relationship. Eggshells when he's in Thailand, eggshells when he goes to drinks with work colleagues, eggshells when he's grieving. As Batya observed, it is highly dramatic, with something you value being connected the dramatic tension of when, if, and how it will all come tumbling down.

 

Maybe there is a way, at least right now, to take comfort in that? It's certainly not going to change, as grief is kind of a pause button on reality, so trying to press fast forward isn't going to do you any favors. And you have been terrified that he will push you away and things will end many times—but, hey, things did not end. Logical conclusion is that things will not end from this. Like Batya said, they will end if and when one of you decides it is not working, same reason every relationship ends and a potential outcome of all relationships at all times.

 

It's hard, honestly, for me to give other advice. In terms of how to support a grieving partner, it's been given. In terms of the relationship, it's been given. If this turns out to be a moment that has you—or him—genuinely taking stock of things, it will evolve into such a moment. But for right now it's just a moment to get through, and maybe there can be some comfort in understanding that it is, in ways, not so different than other moments you've gotten through.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered therapy to address this? If you are walking on eggs with abandonment problems, it will just keep happening over and over and over as long as you keep deluding yourself that you're altruistic.

 

Ironically your suffocating behavior increases the likelihood of people recoiling from you. It's a self-exacerbating problem, which is why you keep getting worse and worse. Stop dressing this up as concern for him. It's all about your needs and fears.

 

So by not addressing your real issues you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Rather than crowd him and look up every doom and gloom scenario on the internet you can find, get to a doctor for a check up and get a referral to a therapist. No one on any forum can talk you down from this. You need to take action and get the one-on-one help you need.

I am terrified he will push me away slowly and ends things eventually.

I checked several websites about grieving partners and so many people were writing how their grieving partners slowly or not , ended relationships.

[Batya33]

I felt like you Irka in other relationships -eggshells - does he like me/is he into me/what does this mean -I lost sleep over it. Once my husband and I got back together after a past breakup while dating - I felt insecure for a 6-7 hour stretch almost 14 years ago (yes, I remember it was a Monday and I believe it was October). We'd been back together about 2-3 months and he was not in touch with me for a long stretch that day. I had no cell, just email, he had a cell. He'd told me his schedule that day and it was the only time I remember when I wasn't concerned about his health but mostly about "hmmm is he upset with me about something - what could it be - is he not into me, what's going on?" I couldn't shake it. Icky feeling. We had a plan that night to meet up with some friends. All was fine -turned out he'd had a number of unscheduled meetings so he was racing around all day. No, he hadn't promised to call -I simply expected him to be in touch as typical. But it's 14 years later and I still remember how I felt, still visualize the block of the movie theater where we met up that night and I saw him and exhaled.

 

And yes I did feel insecure in the month before we got back together, when we'd "hung out" three times platonically, when there was over a week when he wasn't in touch at all. I bet he did too about whether I'd say yes when he asked about getting back together after almost 8 years apart. That felt "normal" and I didn't ponder it at all later on as far as what it said about us. But if I'd continued to feel that way on any regular basis after I'd have known we were not a good match. What's your test/standard for knowing if a relationship feels like home? I recommend Billy Joel's song "You're My Home" - the lyrics are appropriate here.

[irka000]

I agree with everything that was said here except that I walk on eggshells. I do not. I speak my mind and the relation is real. No fakeness. Sometimes I think it is too good to be true cause it does feel like home. And I just don't want this to be over.

I am insecure as hell, full of hears. Yes. But in life I am not paralysed by it. I am quite ok until I will allow negative thoughts enter my mind and create a story.

Then I look for evidence to confirm it. Nonsense. I know.

I revealed a lot on here.

Thank you for everything to everyone. Subject on grieving and my issues was greatly covered.

[bluecastle]

I understand you're not paralyzed by it. Eggshells are not paralysis, nor are they being mute or a sign that something is not "real." Eggshells are, in ways, what you just described: feeling something is too good to be true, scared it's about to end rather than secure in the sense that it's just beginning, and finding yourself consumed and guided by those fears. If that is a way you tend to process "good things" in your life it is, per Wiseman's post, worth getting serious about exploring and unpacking. Good things, simply put, should not make us feel bad. A partner losing a loved one, generally speaking, should not make us worried that we are going to lose our partner—unless, of course, we enjoy and intentionally seek that sensation from partnership.

 

I find it interesting that you can equate the feeling of "home" with the feeling that the walls are about to collapse. To me, those things are at odds. I'm writing this sentence in my actual home, for instance, where I spend my days working and reading and popping onto this site. It's built into the top of a steep hill with an incredible view that calms me down and delivers a jolt of mischievous joy daily. I can walk out my door and get lost in hiking trails, or head down the hill into the heart of one of the biggest cities on the planet. I feel, literally and figuratively, "on top of the world" up here, with a sense of security to burn.

 

Some people in my city, however, don't like homes like mine. They worry about earthquakes and are spooked by coyotes, so they live in the "flats," where they feel safer and more secure. Others prefer being near the ocean, so they make their homes there. None are wrong or right. I love the sound of coyotes, love seeing them prance through my yard, don't mind the long drive to go surfing, and earthquakes don't really bother me; if anything that kind of adds to things, a dash of mystery. I feel at home in this home: thrilled and settled, living my fullest life, within my natural comfort system.

 

Which is more or less how I want to feel alongside a partner, and how I feel with my girlfriend. It's new—9 months—but the amount of time I've spent concerned about things can be measured in hours: two of them, in a tiny moment early. That's not pure accident or dumb luck. It is what I've always sought in relationships, something I knew was essential for partnership before I even wanted partnership. It's why I ended a brief thing last year, documented on this forum, when the eggshells arrived. I was not mute or paralyzed, but I was in my head trying to figure out her head, which to me feels like trying run across the country on a treadmill: you get very tired without really covering ground or seeing much.

 

I hope this thing I'm in keeps feeling right. I hope the pinches of discomfort are rare, and only last a few hours. If it stops, I'll address that then. Simple framework to house the complexities, rather than a framework constructed by complexities that I hope, nervously, can handle a hurricane.

 

Our relationship—much like my actual home—does not exist in a bubble. Nothing exists in bubbles. Just as I had to fix my sink last week, and have to come up with a significant sum monthly to pay for the house, in the 9 months I've known my girlfriend "life" has happened to both of us. She had a devastating death in the family, as it happens, and one of my oldest friends went through an unspeakable tragedy. Not fun, those things. But they didn't capsize the boat. They are things that happen, and will happen again, in some form or another, just like I know my property taxes are going to go up next year. It's all manageable. No white knuckles. I could not enjoy this view if I was worried I couldn't pay the taxes in 4 months.

 

I share all that to offer stuff to think about, or not, as you see fit. Everyone seeks something different to feel at home. Whether by intention of instinct, you are finding refuge in a shelter you are suspicious of, and those suspicions (eggshells) have inhibited your ability to offer support, and feel supported, at critical junctures, including the present one. That is also not an accident, but a choice. You may read that as judgement, but I mean it more as a simple fact, given the information I have.

[Batya33]

I agree with everything that was said here except that I walk on eggshells. I do not. I speak my mind and the relation is real. No fakeness. Sometimes I think it is too good to be true cause it does feel like home. And I just don't want this to be over.

I am insecure as hell, full of hears. Yes. But in life I am not paralysed by it. I am quite ok until I will allow negative thoughts enter my mind and create a story.

Then I look for evidence to confirm it. Nonsense. I know.

I revealed a lot on here.

Thank you for everything to everyone. Subject on grieving and my issues was greatly covered.

 

If it truly felt like home you wouldn't be this insecure and fearful.

[bluecastle]

If it truly felt like home you wouldn't be this insecure and fearful.

 

Or skip my monologue in favor of the always diamond-sharp Batya.

[Batya33]

Or skip my monologue in favor of the always diamond-sharp Batya.

 

I loved your monologue. Great. I posted independently not to downplay or distill it in the least!!

[irka000]

I deeply appreciate all your responses. I didn't read just once.

Thank you.

I guess I should add that the feeling like home is always when we are together.

When we are apart its a bit different. Not always but sometimes. I guess I should trust that the relationship is solid enough but I see and hear how things go wrong around. Almost every good thing that happens to me quickly goes away.

Batya and Blue, your partners are very lucky to have you as partners. It is an inspiration for me.

Blue, may ask how your partner went through the grieving and how did you help her through it. Only if you don't mind to share.

[Batya33]

Feeling at home has to be all the time with rare exception. Not just when you’re together. Because real life isn’t like that. And shouldn’t be. Yes it does have to do with your mindset. Its just an essential part of any healthy friendship or relationship- feeling comfortable in your own skin and basic trust that the person gives a darn about you and isn’t going anywhere despite divorce statistics or past experiences etc. yes even though there are no guarantees.

[bluecastle]

When my girlfriend had a death in the family we were only six months in. But I'm going to press pause on that for a sec...

 

Notice that I am calling her my girlfriend, not partner. I'll call her a partner once we have expressed that to each other. The word holds weight to me, and sits on a scale built by two in tandem. I don't doubt we are on that track. But it's only 9 months, our lives still co-mingling. There are lots of moving pieces, two complex heads and hearts acclimating to each other. I'm not anxious, because between us is a quiet but sturdy trust and respect that expands alongside all the obvious sparkles and shudderings. Per Batya's post, that trust and respect just is; it doesn't change shape based on proximity and requires exactly zero brainpower to see and feel.

 

Anyhow, the grieving. She's pretty stoic, which I adore: her determined grace. I'm built similarly. We are not "cold" people, but "composed." So she was stoic—composed—in grief. I wasn't surprised, but I wouldn't have been surprised if she was....well, however she needed to be. She was of course crushed in a zillion pieces; that is the universal truth of grief. She was just the woman I'd fallen in love with, but grieving. It was not mysterious. It was just very sad.

 

I don't know if I'd say I "helped her through it." You'd have to ask her. I would say that she got through it, continues to feel it, and I am one small piece in her circle of support. I felt for her, big time, having experienced grief myself. I made sure she knew I was there for her, probably checked in with her a bit more often than usual. There was plenty of space too, as there is with us. I was also living my life as always: friends, surfing, working, posting, whatever. I was not grieving. I was just me.

 

I did some small gestures, what I'd do for a close friend, like arranging for food to be delivered to her house for about a week—some groceries, some pre-cooked meals from restaurants I know her daughter likes. I can't tell you why I did that—I just did it. I didn't (and don't) know her inside and out, but I know some of the logistics that, on the best days, are a juggling act. Figured taking care of a few of those balls would allow her space to feel what she needed to feel. I didn't eat those meals with her, or expect to. She did not shower me in thanks, but I know she was grateful.

 

I didn't go to the service, for whatever it's worth. Told her I would join if she'd like me there. But I've yet to meet her family, who live far away, so the timing wasn't right for her. Let her know that in me she had a dog-walker, plant-waterer, or car-mover while she was away. But what I'm describing is maybe 20 seconds, and I didn't expect her to take me up on any of that. She could, she could not.

 

Did I ever wonder how this would affect us? Sure. It crossed my mind, but didn't really stick. Time knew that answer, I knew how I felt about her, and I knew a thought like that was bug bite in comparison to whatever she was feeling.

 

And that's that. She was sad. She was also herself. I was sad for her. I was myself. We stuck to some plans we'd had, and had fun. Some plans she canceled. And so on. It was a big deal in her life, but not in our developing life together—though, in that, I think it turned out to be a very unfortunate event that affirmed a little more of what we're building, a welcome addition to the weight of she plus me. We've since talked about that a bit, so I'm not putting words in her mouth.

 

But does any of that help you? I'm not sure. I think you're looking for a story—"in good times and bad"—because you don't love the actual story you're in, or at least how you feel in it. But what I'm describing is not a story. It's life, with me packaging it into a story after the fact. I don't think I won some supportive boyfriend award, but I wasn't looking for that. In general I am not looking to feel "selfless" or "selfish" but like myself. I'm supporting you, in these notes, the best I know how. Can't say it's all that different, though of course my emotional investment is.

 

I've never been in a relationship where I've doubted someone's feelings for me. I've ended them when those doubts surface and don't recede, and I've been in two with people who doubted by feelings for them. Tough dynamic. I've tasted that anxiety in dating, when something simple (real example: "Would she think I'm thoughtful it if I buy her this fancy milk, or will she think I'm suffocating her with fancy milk?") spins me into a hall of mirrors and self-doubt. Personally, I can't do that—not for very long. I always end up thinking that if I'm this strung out about the fancy milk, what will I feel when the real stuff happens?

[irka000]

Thank you so very much for sharing this as you didn't have to.

 

Believe it or not this was not only very beautiful ( as everything you write, even harsh bits) but also very helpful.

I am happy that you have a mature and healthy relationship. That's wonderful. You are certainly appreciate each other. I wonder if you told her that you loved her and when, what moment have you chosen ....I know , I know...most probably I will not find out but I will keep wondering. I am overly romantic like that.

Blue you are making a huge difference in people's life.

My bf got in touch and apologised for not being himself and not seeing me.

He was warm but tired. I will be here for him. Maybe I will learn a lot from this sad events.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's overly romantic at all to want to know the details about love, a proposal, etc.

I'm glad your boyfriend was in touch with you and that you feel reassured.

[bluecastle]

I don't think it's overly romantic either. We are all here, in some capacity, to share, listen, and learn from others. I know that I am very grateful, for instance, of everything Batya has shared since I stumbled upon this site. Has certainly helped sharpen my own compass a bit, and get me out of some thickets.

 

Anyhow, I had told her I loved her a few weeks earlier. It was a lovely moment to share, but not an event. No ceremony. I think she was asking for a glass of water and I told her I had to tell something. It felt very much like stating a very simple fact that I knew was true: I live in the state of California, the sun sets in the west, I get hungry if I don't eat, I love this woman. The "fall" is ongoing, and I'm excited to see where it goes, but the love is just a fact. I told her when I knew it was real and that withholding it would feel insincere.

 

Good to hear he reached out. He is processing as he processes, no different than he is living how he lives. His reaching out shows that he is aware of himself as part of your world, and vise versa. Sometimes that has to be enough because, from another angle, it is quite a lot.

 

Inhale, exhale, and thanks for the kind words.