Is my fiance a closeted psychopath?

[Hollyj]

For those being harsh (as if I should see the answers clearly) - I hope that you can understand that I am considering tearing apart my entire family over a comment that was made only once. Please understand the gravity of what this means for me and my family. Please show some grace when responding. For you, this thread is easily thought through and forgotten once you're bored with the discussion; but for me, it's my life right now. Just please be kind. I'm smart enough to know I should be concerned. I just don't know to what degree. I'm seeking advice and validation. Something to provide some clarity. When you view someone through rose colored glasses, you miss the red flags because all of the flags look the same.

 

 

This is not only one comment-which is frightening! The man is emotionally abusive. Wake up, before you become a statistic! Nothing like being terrified of your partner, and a relationship of walking on eggshells.

 

Your kids are taking it all in. This is also a form of abuse. If you won't do this for yourself, do it for them.

 

How would it be, if their mother were dead, and their father was in jail. They would be a true break up of the family.

 

Call an abuse hotline.

[bluecastle]

You sound pretty level-headed, aware of, and proud of, your own intelligence. You are also asking a pretty loaded question about your fiancé—which, hey, can't blame you. While I understand the Greek chorus of digital strangers can be a bit overwhelming, how would you react if a close friend of yours came to your with this story? You'd ostensibly know more about the day-to-day of both her relationship and emotional equilibrium, as you know more about yourself and your emotional health than we do, but I'd imagine you'd still be concerned, no?

 

I'm not one to grab the "abuse" bullhorn and start shouting, but I am also not one who can turn a prism and see "If you do x, I'll kill you" as a "joke" that can exist inside a healthy relationship. And neither, it seems, can you. Maybe rather than ratcheting up the volume with an attempt to diagnosis your fiancé as a psychopath, you instead ask yourself if you can see yourself being happily married to a man who makes such jokes.

 

Do know this: no one here is interested in cornering you, or judging you. Everyone here is trying to help you, best they can.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm not qualified to answer that question and psychopath has different meanings to the layperson. Just here to lend some support. I think it's a good idea have a heart to heart with your partner. I'm not sure if his work has imbued some kind of PTSD for him as he seems desensitized in his language. That kind of language shouldn't be brought home and I don't feel like he's worked through whatever he might have seen either in his training or in his work. This would be my first instincts if my partner brought that home, knowing the nature of what he works or spends time with regarding his career.

 

I would be alarmed, yes. I wouldn't take it lightly and it would probably lead me to believe the above and whether he needs to speak to someone about any pressures or stress coming from his work. There may even be issues with the culture at work (abuse of power or bullying) and something he needs to address with management. That language is totally not acceptable, work or home.

[Wiseman2]

'Fiance' is the new term people use to describe the father of their kids or someone they live with. It has nothing to do with wedding plans in this case.

seek pre-marital counseling.

[Hollyj]

I'm not qualified to answer that question and psychopath has different meanings to the layperson. Just here to lend some support. I think it's a good idea have a heart to heart with your partner. I'm not sure if his work has imbued some kind of PTSD for him as he seems desensitized in his language. That kind of language shouldn't be brought home and I don't feel like he's worked through whatever he might have seen either in his training or in his work. This would be my first instincts if my partner brought that home, knowing the nature of what he works or spends time with regarding his career.

 

I would be alarmed, yes. I wouldn't take it lightly and it would probably lead me to believe the above and whether he needs to speak to someone about any pressures or stress coming from his work. There may even be issues with the culture at work (abuse of power or bullying) and something he needs to address with management. That language is totally not acceptable, work or home.

 

And, maybe he just an abuser. The behavior and comments are highly concerning.

[Rose Mosse]

I'd probably want to know why if he is the father of my children. He will not ever be out of the picture and carrying that resentment forward would be a concern for me as a parent. It's the longevity and the brevity of that relationship that would cause me to ask more questions.

[Wiseman2]

Threatening to kill someone and having access to and knowledge of firearms are number One and Two on any risk assessment list. Read up on it.

As for his job, he's in the law enforcement branch and has faught overseas.

[Hollyj]

I'd probably want to know why if he is the father of my children. He will not ever be out of the picture and carrying that resentment forward would be a concern for me as a parent. It's the longevity and the brevity of that relationship that would cause me to ask more questions.

 

Why are their pediophiles and serial killers. Sometimes, questions are not necessary, as it is who they are.

[j.man]

he laughed and said "By the way, if you ever take me for child support, I'll kill you." He has never threatened to harm me, so I was stunned and didn't know what to say. Despite it bothering me, I tried to ignore it by giving a simple laugh and saying "yeah right." To which he responded with a straight face "I'm serious. If you ruin my life like that, I'll ing blow your head off and then kill myself." I was speechless because he has never shown any indication of ever being violent towards me. The threat seemed out of character. A day or two later, I brought it up again because it was still bothering me, but I maybe I'm overreacting, so I ask "that was a joke, right?" He laughed and said "no, I'm dead serious."

I'm married. Been with my wife for over six years now. If tonight she said this, we'd be done. Six years of love and memories would suck to leave behind. But for me, dying probably would suck a lot more. Don't have the time or energy to worry about being unsafe 1) in my own home and 2) in the company of the one person I'm supposed to trust the most. The threat alone would be enough, never mind how explicit he was and the fact he affirmed it twice afterward.

 

I'm one of the first to call people out on being a bit over-dramatic in their advice. "I'd have left your husband / wife yesterday" is easy to throw out there when we've got no skin in the game. When it comes to this, though, I am in complete agreement with the majority. "I'll ****ing blow your head off" isn't a bluff worth calling.

[reinventmyself]

Just strange to me that someone who opens their post with the question `Is my fiance a closeted psychopath?' gets upset and leaves the room when we validate her concerns.

 

At the same time I think when you get too close to the truth, sh*t gets too real.

 

Hopefully she has some things to think about. I am not trying to be insensitive. My heart goes out to her.

 

I have to add that people in law enforcement and the military who have access to weapons and have used them, the probability is a little higher that they'd easily use them again, opposed to those who haven't.

 

Yah, I'd take him at his word.

At the very least, how do you forgot he ever said it?

[browneyedgirl36]

I would absolutely never, under any circumstances, marry someone who said this to me.

 

Even once, even in a "joking" tone. (Who jokes about stuff like that anyway?)

 

After the first time, when he verified, once again, that he was serious? Nope. I'd be out of there.

 

It sounds like this guy confirmed, a third time, that he was serious. His tone does not matter. People "joke" to veil hostility, to say what they really think, etc.

 

He's telling you loud and clear who he is. Believe him.

[reinventmyself]

I'm married. Been with my wife for over six years now. If tonight she said this, we'd be done. Six years of love and memories would suck to leave behind. But for me, dying probably would suck a lot more. Don't have the time or energy to worry about being unsafe 1) in my own home and 2) in the company of the one person I'm supposed to trust the most. The threat alone would be enough, never mind how explicit he was and the fact he affirmed it twice afterward.

 

I'm one of the first to call people out on being a bit over-dramatic in their advice. "I'd have left your husband / wife yesterday" is easy to throw out there when we've got no skin in the game. When it comes to this, though, I am in complete agreement with the majority. "I'll ****ing blow your head off" isn't a bluff worth calling.

 

well said.

When given the opportunity, he stood behind his original threat.

[ThatwasThen]

So what on earth does marrying him or not have to do with anything at this point. What would he do to you Op if you just left him with your children and didn't ask for child support? You are now in the proverbial rock and a hard place and in fear if you stay and in even more fear if you ever leave him.

 

If you do nothing else, tell an abuse hotline exactly what you told us and get some guidance on how to handle things going forward. Personally, I don't know how your emotional connection would ever be the same after him admitting to you that he would kill you and then doubling down on it when you asked again if he was serious.

[Hollyj]

Hopefully, your dependence on this guy, is not more important than your happiness and life.

[itsallgrand]

I hope you'll get some confidential professional advice on this. Call a women's center, or even arrange for an in person visit , or a few sessions with a therapist to discuss your concerns. They can hook you up with resources and support.

A lot of times too there is support for if you need to bring your kids to get there. Are you a stay at home mom? Do you have your own finances to support yourself and the kids for a while if need be?

 

You aren't over reacting. At all. Not even a teeny bit. What he said is so alarming. Not only for you, but there's two little guys who are totally dependent on you to keep them safe. Face it for them.

 

My partner's sister was adopted into their family as a baby. She was put into foster care as a result of a murder and suicide of her birth parents. The father murdered the mother, then shot himself, with her in the room.

I doubt her mother ever thought that would happen. And when it did, it was too late. My partner's sister has struggled her whole life , even though she ' got lucky' she herself was not killed and was adopted into a loving family.

[anonymousflo]

I'm feeling silly for seeking answers on a forum is all.

[anonymousflo]

My thoughts as well. No real solution. If his threat was genuine, it's dangerous to leave at this point.

[Seraphim]

Why? Everyone who is here has.

I'm feeling silly for seeking answers on a forum is all.

[anonymousflo]

I hope you'll get some confidential professional advice on this. Call a women's center, or even arrange for an in person visit , or a few sessions with a therapist to discuss your concerns. They can hook you up with resources and support.

A lot of times too there is support for if you need to bring your kids to get there. Are you a stay at home mom? Do you have your own finances to support yourself and the kids for a while if need be?

 

You aren't over reacting. At all. Not even a teeny bit. What he said is so alarming. Not only for you, but there's two little guys who are totally dependent on you to keep them safe. Face it for them.

 

My partner's sister was adopted into their family as a baby. She was put into foster care as a result of a murder and suicide of her birth parents. The father murdered the mother, then shot himself, with her in the room.

I doubt her mother ever thought that would happen. And when it did, it was too late. My partner's sister has struggled her whole life , even though she ' got lucky' she herself was not killed and was adopted into a loving family.

 

Stay at home mom, no finances or access to any, no bank account, etc.

[Wiseman2]

Ask your friends and family for help. You can also privately and confidentially go to social services and get help with food, career training childcare, medical care, housing etc. Since you are not married and effectively impoverished (which of course abusers do) you can qualify for some help. Stop discussing things with him that are important to you. Keep it very practical. Yes it's dangerous to leave, but how safe is it to stay?

Stay at home mom, no finances or access to any, no bank account, etc.

[boltnrun]

Why has he refused you access to the FAMILY bank account? How do you shop for groceries, diapers?

[Seraphim]

It is time to call a woman’s shelter.

[Wiseman2]

She is essentially a single mother. He may randomly toss her some money to keep her dependent, but they are not partners by any means and therefore not really a family.

 

'Barefoot and pregnant' is the economic paradigm he's using. This is why she qualifies for and should apply for government assistance, but not tell him. The few bucks he throws her she could use as cash to extricate herself and her kids from this. Money is power and he knows this.

Why has he refused you access to the FAMILY bank account? How do you shop for groceries, diapers?

[Hollyj]

My thoughts as well. No real solution. If his threat was genuine, it's dangerous to leave at this point.

 

So, you are just going to stay with this guy out of fear. What happens when he gets really p*ssed at you while you are together and hurts you.? Your rational makes no sense.

 

Why do you not have any access to money? Not smart. I suggest you figure something out, and fast. Also need to think about getting a job and becoming independent. What would you do if something happened to him, and he was no longer around? You need to figure out a way to support yourself.

 

You are in a very bad relationship. You have allowed him to control everything, and he is also abusive and has threatened your life. Don't know what he has to do for you to leave.

[figureitout23]

My thoughts as well. No real solution. If his threat was genuine, it's dangerous to leave at this point.

 

There is always a solution.

 

Ive been where you are, getting out is your best bet, especially before it turns physical, but you have to actually want to leave.

 

It doesnt seem like youre there quite yet.

 

Dont feel embarrassed, this is the first steps.

 

Things may still be salvageable, but he needs to seek help first.