Jibralta Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 Yeah, he totally blew you off and he is now jerking you around. He is not the man you thought he was. Run for the hills. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted July 27, 2019 Author Share Posted July 27, 2019 This a what I wrote last night “If it’s just gonna continue this way I don’t see it working out even though I want it to and care about you and want you in my life. The bad feelings are starting to outweigh the good for me. If we need to sit down and talk about things and see if we can get back on track like when we first met than I will listen and put in the work needed but if you don’t feel the same way than I don’t see any other option. I’m haven’t drank tonight and I’m not overreacting. I just have been really sad about us arguing lately even though when we are together it can be really sweet.“ This was his response this morning “It was late last night when you sent that so let’s just chock it up to late night blues. Let us take it down a notch. I’m not interested in more emotional drama :). I hope you have a great day!!!! “ Am I crazy? We have been arguing a lot and he did blow me off to an extent last night. He usually gets off work at 9 and let’s me know before or a little after what the plan is. I didn’t hear from him until 10 when I finally wrote him again saying I was tired and gonna just stay in and wish he let me know what the plan was.... Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 >>"I am not interested in more emotional drama" Anon you need to pay attention to what he's telling you here^^! Please!! You keep insisting you want him to "understand your feelings" -- stop with that, it's only been three months, this is the time you observe whether or not he's right for you. NOT to keep pestering him about understanding your feelings, come on now. You don't like how emotionally closed he is, how he doesn't understand your feelings, how he blows you off, then YOU walk away!! Healthy men despise this type of drama, it repels them. They also dislike talking about "feelings" -- three months in, they want a happy, fun, sexy girlfriend to spend time with, and enjoy getting to know and vice versa, free of pressure and this type of intensity and drama. Which is precisely why he said what he did in above quote. He is no saint either, but my god this dynamic is just so exhausting and toxic.. End this relationship and take it as a lesson learned for next time. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 This a what I wrote last night “If it’s just gonna continue this way I don’t see it working out even though I want it to and care about you and want you in my life. The bad feelings are starting to outweigh the good for me. If we need to sit down and talk about things and see if we can get back on track like when we first met than I will listen and put in the work needed but if you don’t feel the same way than I don’t see any other option. I’m haven’t drank tonight and I’m not overreacting. I just have been really sad about us arguing lately even though when we are together it can be really sweet.“ This was his response this morning “It was late last night when you sent that so let’s just chock it up to late night blues. Let us take it down a notch. I’m not interested in more emotional drama :). I hope you have a great day!!!! “ Am I crazy? We have been arguing a lot and he did blow me off to an extent last night. He usually gets off work at 9 and let’s me know before or a little after what the plan is. I didn’t hear from him until 10 when I finally wrote him again saying I was tired and gonna just stay in and wish he let me know what the plan was.... You are going round and round. Are you not hearing what anyone is saying? He does not care and is throwing everything on you. You can post as many convos as you like, but it does not change anything. End it! Link to comment
Anon333 Posted July 27, 2019 Author Share Posted July 27, 2019 If I am being over emotional and jeopardizing the relationship than I want to know. I try to keep my cool but I also know I haven't been the best at it when I feel he is being cold or confusing. I know it needs to end but it almost feels like he is clueless about how I feel or he doesn't believe I will end it? Ive just never been in a situation where someone wants to spend all their time with me and yet it feels like they don't care also. It doesn't make sense Link to comment
Anon333 Posted July 27, 2019 Author Share Posted July 27, 2019 I really try to make the time we have together fun and happy and positive. I really try even when I feel like he is being negative. I try to be supportive of him when tells me about ailments he has had recently with his back. I spent a whole day with him describing how he felt and if I didn't say the right thing to make him feel better he would get offended. We could have a great fun day but in the end something small can happen and it will overshadow the whole day. I dont want drama. But it is very emotional to feel someone you care about and were excited about getting to know start to be selfish and push you away. I pretty much am the only one that goes to his place to stay over (he has a dog), and the other day he asked me to come over and he would give my neck a massage (my neck was hurting) and he totally never remembered or bothered trying once I was there. Little things like that hurt me. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 Stop hanging on when it's clear he doesn't care. It's very desperate. He spends time with you because you provide distraction and sex, his last text was cold and if you have any self respect you'd cut him off. Don't wait for him to end it with you . Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 These early stages (first six months) is the time you observe whether he's the right fit for you long term, assuming long term is what you want. During this time, if he acts in ways that leave you feeling hurt, confused, does not care, or any sort of mixed or double message, then you end it. It's not the time for discussion and resolution, about his coldness or your feelings, that's what couples do when they have already determined they're the right fit, and are in an exclusive committed relationship. He made it clear, to him you are emotionally exhausting, you need to listen and if you have it in you to dial it back, then do so -- OR just end it, which frankly is what I would do! Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 No point in dialing it back, she should just break up-he doesn't care at all. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 No point in dialing it back, she should just break up-he doesn't care at all. Agree she should end it, for all the reasons discussed, but realistically, I highly doubt she will so giving her another option. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 If I am being over emotional and jeopardizing the relationship than I want to know. I try to keep my cool but I also know I haven't been the best at it when I feel he is being cold or confusing. I know it needs to end but it almost feels like he is clueless about how I feel or he doesn't believe I will end it? Ive just never been in a situation where someone wants to spend all their time with me and yet it feels like they don't care also. It doesn't make sense Why would YOU want to spend time with someone that does not care about you? He is continuing, as he gets available sex until he leaves. That's it. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 I really try to make the time we have together fun and happy and positive. I really try even when I feel like he is being negative. I try to be supportive of him when tells me about ailments he has had recently with his back. I spent a whole day with him describing how he felt and if I didn't say the right thing to make him feel better he would get offended. We could have a great fun day but in the end something small can happen and it will overshadow the whole day. I dont want drama. But it is very emotional to feel someone you care about and were excited about getting to know start to be selfish and push you away. I pretty much am the only one that goes to his place to stay over (he has a dog), and the other day he asked me to come over and he would give my neck a massage (my neck was hurting) and he totally never remembered or bothered trying once I was there. Little things like that hurt me. On second thought, stop this insanity and just end it for cripes sake, this is ridiculous! Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 On second thought, stop this insanity and just end it for cripes sake, this is ridiculous! Edit: Anon, all you've been doing is whining and complaining about him, we get it, he's a d-bag of the highest order - so why stay? What's keeping you there? Serious question. At this point, this is on you, for choosing to remain in this toxic dysfunctional mess with a man who clearly does not care. I've lost sympathy, Sorry. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 Edit: Anon, all you've been doing is whining and complaining about him, we get it, he's a d-bag of the highest order - so why stay? What's keeping you there? Serious question. At this point, this is on you, for choosing to remain in this toxic dysfunctional mess with a man who clearly does not care. I've lost sympathy, Sorry. Because she loves him. Sadly, she does not love herself. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 I really try to make the time we have together fun and happy and positive. I really try even when I feel like he is being negative. I try to be supportive of him when tells me about ailments he has had recently with his back. I spent a whole day with him describing how he felt and if I didn't say the right thing to make him feel better he would get offended. We could have a great fun day but in the end something small can happen and it will overshadow the whole day. I dont want drama. But it is very emotional to feel someone you care about and were excited about getting to know start to be selfish and push you away. I pretty much am the only one that goes to his place to stay over (he has a dog), and the other day he asked me to come over and he would give my neck a massage (my neck was hurting) and he totally never remembered or bothered trying once I was there. Little things like that hurt me. I think the way he treats you feeds into how you feel about yourself -and it's safe. You know he's going to reject you and be cold so you never have to be vulnerable -you get to chase him, ask him how high you should jump and while he likes the attention it's also a huge turn off to be around a doormat. So figure out what you are worth . Are you ready to be in a relationship where the person thinks you're great just the way you are? Where if you do something nice for the person of course they appreciate it but don't feel entitled? A person who wants to know your innermost feelings, hear your private jokes, laugh at them if they're funny? Because that means you can't get turned off because someone thinks you're special . Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 Because she loves him. Sadly, she does not love herself. Anon, understand that if you don't love yourself first, no man, including this man, will ever love you either. It becomes a very vicious toxic cycle that will continue unless and until you get some professional help to determine why your self esteem is so deep in the gutter and hopefully resolve, and end the toxic cycle of falling in love with men who don't/can't love you back. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 thank you so much for your clear minded response. What you say makes total sense and helps me not feel as crazy. I keep questioning if I am being over insecure or if he is just closed off. I think he is very closed off and it makes me insecure. We got into a large fight a week ago where he broke down crying that he didnt want to make a commitment or for his feelings to grow for me even though they were. He made it clear that all he wanted to do was spend time with me and that's what he was in the future. So within that fight is the first time he expressed deeply his feelings. Yet even after that when we just hang out on the regular he seems distant and cold and argumentative. I try not to let it affect me because if I do he picks up on it and wants to know what's wrong and why I am acting that way and it turns into an argument. Ugh. It is all very confusing but you are right, I am much more invested in the relationship than him. it hurts You're not crazy, however, I think you are insecure because he makes you feel shaky and insecure. I'm sorry, Anon333. He doesn't treat you right. He habitually disrespects you. He's a hopeless lost cause. You can't change him. He is who he is. Remember, the secret to a successful relationship (or marriage) is choosing the right person. He's obviously not the right person for you. Be picky and choosy. Shop around. Never settle for mediocrity or worse. Character does matter. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 Anon, I'm curious how much time you spent at his home? How did you get on with his friends? Link to comment
Anon333 Posted July 27, 2019 Author Share Posted July 27, 2019 “I’m not being dramatic. I just don’t like how I feel in this relationship anymore and maybe when these emotional things come up it is me trying to save something that can’t be saved. I don’t want to argue. I hate it. I appreciate you and the time we have . Last night you weren’t considerate of my time and could have let me know if we had plans still or what was going on. It takes one minute and I know in the past you’ve made it a priority to tell me. I just don’t feel cared for. Me trying to express that comes off as needy or insecure I’m sorry. This should be a fun time of us enjoying each other’s company and being excited to hear from each other and putting our best foot forward to create a solid foundation and get to know each other. I shouldn’t be emotionally draining to you and I’m sorry if I have been, but I also shouldn’t be feeling like you don’t care about me or feel blown off or feeling like anything I say will turn into an argument. Maybe we are just on different pages. I want things to be easy going and light but it just feels negative lately and I’ve tried to express that. “ So I wrote this to him trying to explain it isn’t working and he just responded again that he disagrees with how I feel about last night that he doesn’t like my jabby comments and I am being too dramatic and to take it down a notch... again... Guess I should just stop talking to him and try to move on..... Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 You're trying to force something that clearly isn't the right fit. You can't force yourself to be breezy and easy going (because you "love" him) and he can't force himself to give you more than he wants to give. You're both being honest with one another, but you're not listening to what he's saying. He's basically saying "no" to what you're asking of him. Yes, time to realize it's the wrong fit and move forward. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 “I’m not being dramatic. I just don’t like how I feel in this relationship anymore and maybe when these emotional things come up it is me trying to save something that can’t be saved. I don’t want to argue. I hate it. I appreciate you and the time we have . Last night you weren’t considerate of my time and could have let me know if we had plans still or what was going on. It takes one minute and I know in the past you’ve made it a priority to tell me. I just don’t feel cared for. Me trying to express that comes off as needy or insecure I’m sorry. This should be a fun time of us enjoying each other’s company and being excited to hear from each other and putting our best foot forward to create a solid foundation and get to know each other. I shouldn’t be emotionally draining to you and I’m sorry if I have been, but I also shouldn’t be feeling like you don’t care about me or feel blown off or feeling like anything I say will turn into an argument. Maybe we are just on different pages. I want things to be easy going and light but it just feels negative lately and I’ve tried to express that. “ So I wrote this to him trying to explain it isn’t working and he just responded again that he disagrees with how I feel about last night that he doesn’t like my jabby comments and I am being too dramatic and to take it down a notch... again... Guess I should just stop talking to him and try to move on..... Why did you write such a long reply? Stop digging yourself a hole. He's telling you to shut it yet you keep trying to talk it out. He doesn't care, it's so freaking obvious-stop trying to jam a square peg into a pinhole. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 But you're not talking -as in a dialogue. You're hiding behind a screen typing long and wordy complaints with therapy speak that he's either going to groan and roll his eyes when he sees or simply tune out/skip. It explains nothing because it's lost in all the verbiage and psychospeak. A person who feels mistreated/not cared for and is reasonably secure talks to the person and keeps it simple because it is simple when you feel slighted and when your goal is to have the other person understand that. Also so confusing -you claim to want everything to be easygoing and light but you dump all this information on him about how you want to "save" the "relationship" and the nitty gritty of whether you come across needy or otherwise and how he needs to show he cares? How is that at all easygoing or light? So for example "I felt disrespected when you didn't let me know your plans and I feel frustrated when I express my feelings and you respond in a dismissive or confrontational way." If you said that to him -or at least read it out loud from something you'd written if you felt you might clam up -then he can see your expression, or hear your voice tone over the phone and that gives him a chance to respond right then or to say that he wants to think about it. Also I don't understand how easy going and light matches up with all your "shoulds" -do you really want someone putting their best foot forward 3 months in? Sure I can see a first date - many people like to do that - it's fun, it's understandable -but don't you want to get to know the real person and not a person who is uber-conscious of what he is saying and doing? Also why does he need to know what you "shouldn't be feeling" -why is that his responsibility? That is why I made the suggestion to use I statements, to keep it simple, to do this in person or at least by phone. I agree with him that the way you chose to contact him and what you wrote is too dramatic, telling him to be responsible for how you feel, all the shoulds of what should be happening, etc. So I agree with him. It's not that you two aren't on the same page as in wanting different things in general. It's that you care about him and want to be with him. He does not care about you or want to be with you nearly as much. And your text is beating a dead horse. I'm not saying his response is caring but I'm not quite sure what you expected from him given what you bombarded him with. If you find a healthful relationship you'll each be motivated to talk things out like mature adults -the fact that you felt you had to send this speaks volumes. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 Guys respond with facts and actions, not walls of text. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 “I’m not being dramatic. I just don’t like how I feel in this relationship anymore and maybe when these emotional things come up it is me trying to save something that can’t be saved. I don’t want to argue. I hate it. I appreciate you and the time we have . Last night you weren’t considerate of my time and could have let me know if we had plans still or what was going on. It takes one minute and I know in the past you’ve made it a priority to tell me. I just don’t feel cared for. Me trying to express that comes off as needy or insecure I’m sorry. This should be a fun time of us enjoying each other’s company and being excited to hear from each other and putting our best foot forward to create a solid foundation and get to know each other. I shouldn’t be emotionally draining to you and I’m sorry if I have been, but I also shouldn’t be feeling like you don’t care about me or feel blown off or feeling like anything I say will turn into an argument. Maybe we are just on different pages. I want things to be easy going and light but it just feels negative lately and I’ve tried to express that. “ Oh, honey, no. I cringed when I read that. It's far too long and, yes, dramatic. These are the things you say to someone in person, not write in a wall of text. He is clearly annoyed and wants you to stop. You would be well-advised to find ways to soothe yourself that don't involve lengthy missives. Your feelings are not wrong, but you are not handling this well or dealing with it in a way that might actually bring you any clarity or resolution. It's time to let go. He knows how you feel; he simply isn't interested in addressing it. He's told you twice now to back off, in so many words. For your own sanity, please do so. He isn't the guy for you. Link to comment
Billie28 Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 Oh no. I too cringed when I read that! And I’m surprised the guy responded at all , I would have eye rolled and turned my phone off tbh. You had no definite plans to meet him that night. Loosely made plans are no plans. But you decided his time was more important than yours. He didn’t. Why didn’t you just go out with friends? Instead you have created all this drama because he didn’t message you. And he anticipated it. If you had just gone out with friends and shrugged it off none of this would be happening. You seem devastated that he was inconsiderate of your time yet you were inconsiderate of your time. He asked for no drama and despite people’s advice here, you proceeded to create more drama. He is who he is. This is why we date people, to see if the person is someone we would like to get into a relationship with or not. At this point you have decided he is not someone you want to have a relationship with , so stop dating him. He hasn’t done anything wrong , he just isn’t the person you want him to be. That’s all. Link to comment
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