Is there hope for this relationship?

[Cherylyn]

“I’m not being dramatic. I just don’t like how I feel in this relationship anymore and maybe when these emotional things come up it is me trying to save something that can’t be saved. I don’t want to argue. I hate it. I appreciate you and the time we have . Last night you weren’t considerate of my time and could have let me know if we had plans still or what was going on. It takes one minute and I know in the past you’ve made it a priority to tell me. I just don’t feel cared for. Me trying to express that comes off as needy or insecure I’m sorry. This should be a fun time of us enjoying each other’s company and being excited to hear from each other and putting our best foot forward to create a solid foundation and get to know each other. I shouldn’t be emotionally draining to you and I’m sorry if I have been, but I also shouldn’t be feeling like you don’t care about me or feel blown off or feeling like anything I say will turn into an argument. Maybe we are just on different pages. I want things to be easy going and light but it just feels negative lately and I’ve tried to express that. “

 

So I wrote this to him trying to explain it isn’t working and he just responded again that he disagrees with how I feel about last night that he doesn’t like my jabby comments and I am being too dramatic and to take it down a notch... again... Guess I should just stop talking to him and try to move on.....

 

He's not giving you the courtesy to let you know ahead of time of plans or if there aren't any plans. When you finally receive his message whether in writing or verbal, he's non-committal with total disregard for your time, schedule and daily plans or non-plans. This type of communication is very inconsiderate. I would be miffed, too.

 

Fortunately, my husband and I are very clear when it comes to communication such as: Yes, no, when and responses are not postponed until later. Everyone has a life and if we're in relationships, it's called common decency and common courtesy to make plans or at least have a mutual agreement regarding "yes," "no," "when," "where," "time," etc. Or, an expression of lack of interest and non-desire for any suggestions. Leaving someone hanging, wondering, in the lurch or whatever is plain inconsiderate and disrespectful. This message means: "I don't care how you feel, what you're doing, what you would like to do and most of all, I don't care how you will react regardless of what I say, do or if I ignore you, so what?" The next message to you is this: "I don't care if we end up fighting again." You can't continue this vicious cycle with him.

 

A normal relationship has pretty good communication and correspondence between two people. Realize you're not meant for each other. Either he goes or you go. It's time to go your separate ways in the name of peace.

[Hollyj]

I will ask again. How often were you at his home, and did you meet his friends?

[Anon333]

I will ask again. How often were you at his home, and did you meet his friends?

 

Hi Holly sorry for not answering. He lived alone and I was there maybe 2 or 3 nights a week. We would wake up and walk his dog and he would drive me home. I met a few of his friends. One of his close friends lived down the street from me and we all hung out and a few other friends. I am so torn as to whether I screwed this all up with my over emotional outburst or if it is clear he doesn't care and I need to move on. He has turned off his phone I think and I haven't heard from him since the text earlier. I know I shouldn't have such strong feelings for someone so soon but we spent so much time together it is hard not to.

[Hollyj]

Not a Problem.

 

Anon, did he take you out much, or were most dates at home?

 

When he told you he was moving, I figured it was over. Now, through his actions and words, I know it's over. He should shoyld not have blown you off. Awful.I also think you lost yourself in this relationship, Allowing him to contact you the night of, at 8 or 9 is not cool. Plans should have been established earlier. If any guy pulled that on me, I would have made plans with friends. You seemed to have put your life on hold and lost your self worth.

 

Learn from this. Block and delete him, and move on. He is too much of a coward to end this properly.

[Anon333]

Holly, He brought me by his work a few times and we would ride bikes all day together on our days off and stop at places to eat. It was not romantic but I was okay with that. I guess in a way riding bikes together is romantic. We would each pay for our own food. One time i brought take out food to his place and the next day he went and got food for me and brought it to my place. That was kind of the largest gesture of effort he put into it. I put more effort into going to his place, offering massages when his back hurt, bringing food... But we got along and we both just enjoyed each others time. I dont feel I am that hi maintenance or overly insecure but there are things I wanted from the relationship I wasn't getting. I really adored him (not gonna use the word love) even when I felt he was getting confrontational with me and even when I could not tell how he felt about me. When I asked him if he was seeing other people his response was that he spends his time with me so much he wouldn't be able to. We got in an argument over that as well. Eventually he tried to explain the way he thinks and the way he is....Very unemotional and taking things day by day. I respect that but I also would have loved feeling appreciated in some way. As for the plans last night....We had gone to the movies together the night before, he stopped staying at my place early on because he didnt want to leave his dog so I tried to be understanding even though it would come up.. Before we left that night he said we should watch a movie wed been wanting to see the next day (last night). Before I left I kissed him all over the face and felt really good about things. The next day I gave him a good morning and wished him a good day and he wished me a good day. I get off work at 8 and he gets off at 9. I saw he had facetimed me around 6 and I asked him in a sweet way if he missed my face (i know he accidentally face timed me and was joking). He never wrote back. Then around 8 when I got off I asked what he was up to. I dint hear from him still....9pm came around and then 10 and I told him I wish he had let me know what plans were and that he let me know before he went out of reception (his phone only works with wifi from not paying the whole bill) I tried to not be over emotional about it. It was obvious I was annoyed and I said goodnight to him. His response was annoyed back and that he knew id be negative, it felt just inconsiderate and uncaring. When I tried to explain factual reasons it bothered me he simply wrote "goodnight". This whole thing is very painful for me. He is 44 and and I am almost 40. It is so hard for me to find someone who will eat vegan with me and who likes doing the things I do and who I am attracted to. It has rarely happened in all my days of dating. I am willing to turn a blind eye to someones flaws if they have those important things. But it just hurts as of recent feeling this person maybe doesn't feel the same and my energy in this is futile. He said he wated to continue seeing me after he left and I would have put the effort in. But it seems he isn't willing to put effort in even while I'm here. I really dont know. Am I to just move on and get over this whirlwind? I guess my question of whether there is an hope for us has been answered...

[Honeycomb8]

In the first 3 or 4 months, you should be spending most of your time outside, getting dinner, going to the park or to shows, movies and adventures, not be you guys paying for your own meals and you coming round all the time. He didn't put in effort and treated you more like a FWB than anything else. :I why would you settle for this? Coming round to his is not dating and it's lazy as hell. It's what people do in an established relationship, and even then, it should be 50 percent staying indoors and 50 percent doing things outside. He's meant to impress you and show you what he has to offer. Don't you think you deserve more than this? You're 40...It's time to find someone who isn't going to waste your time and treats you in a special way. This guy barely does the bare minimum.

[Anon333]

We have spent a lot of time outside we have been hiking and camping and on long overnight road trips. And like I said we ride our bikes all day long on days off. In his own words when I wanted some type of validation of the relationship he said why would I want to spend all my free tie with you if I didnt have strong feelings. He literally has to move in three weeks and we were planning hanging out as much as possible. He has expressed that he loves our time together an he wants more adventures and more camping even after he moves away. Perhaps I lose track of that when i feel he is cranky and starting fights with me and not communicating and blowing me off. Im at a loss. Im embarrassed to say I love him but I really have had some of the best times with him more than anyone I've dated. We have adventures. Everyone says he doesn't care and right now he is acting like he doesn't care but I know I have a lot of flaws and things I have messed up in the relatonship as well. I dont know..Maybe I am backtracking or the thought of losing him is making me panic...

[Honeycomb8]

You guys pay for your own meals and does he even take you out to restaurants or cafes? Do you guys go to shows or anything that requires he spend some money? It's not about the money perse, it's just about what it represents.

 

You said yourself that you spend 3 nights a week at his house.

 

My ex took me to lots of cool places and restaurants. I ended things with him for different reasons but he showed me with actions that he cared. Once when I was sick he took his lunch time to rush in the traffic hour to buy me medicine, cough syrup and food and dropped it off at my house before rushing back to work. I didn't ask and he surprised me. Another time during a business trip, he came back with this one thing I mentioned once in passing that I really wanted and gave me a gift set with it engraved. He would often take me to different places to eat and really treated me wonderfully.

See things like that shows someone cares, his actions with shutting you out and telling you to pipe down DOES NOT show it. He doesn't care about you. I wish you could see that and end things. You hanging on in limbo is very sad and I wish you'd see your worth. You could be taking this time to heal and later on find someone who would treat you like you matter! Cos you really do.

[Billie28]

It definitely sounds more like fwb’s over dating.

Fwb’s is different to having a hook up.

Bike riding was a hobby you both enjoyed. And on top of that you slept together.

But there was never a relationship because he doesn’t want one. Even when you asked was he seeing someone else , his reply cemented the fact that you were only a fwb.

He didn’t lie. He was right. He was spending all his spare time with you and didn’t have time to be with another.

But IF he was interested in a relationship his response would have been very different.

 

Of course he was happy to continue the fwb. It’s having someone to do relationship like things with but without the drama or emotions.

 

He checked out once you seemed to want to cross the fwb status into relationship.

 

Were you wrong? Not necessarily, you just seem to have got caught up in the prospect of a relationship.

But at the end of the day you are seeking one from someone who doesn’t want it.

[Anon333]

so Ive said everything I could to him. I am guessing there is nothing else to be said and I should just move on and ignore him if when I do try to communicate it doesn't matter? I dont know if he will reach out to me or make me feel worse or just ignore me back from this point on. Part of me wants him to realize how he has been and that he wants to put the effort in. I know its all a fantasy. This has been very confusing. I dont need someone wooing me with dinner and gifts. We went out to restaurants he wanted me to try, he knew some great spots in the city I never knew about. I want to find a best friend I like to do things with so it never felt weird to me besides the fact that he never complimented me or expressed his feelings. He heald my hand when we drove in his car and he would send me music he knew id like in the morning sometimes. I dont know what to do. I know it was a very short time but he was my best friend for that short time and I feel we both wanted to continue and see where the relationship could go. It feels such a shame things came to this. Everyone seems to make it very clear to me he doesn't care and didnt want anything serious and it is the only thing making me keep the decision to stay strong and break up.

[MissCanuck]

The more your write, the clearer it becomes that you were a lot more into this than he was, OP.

 

Sure, he enjoyed spending time with you. But I do not get the impression he was planning on making things more serious, nor that his feelings for you were progressing. Like Billie suggests above, this sounds a lot more like FWB than a proper relationship.

 

Your emotional outbursts strained things, yes, but I am not convinced this was going to go anywhere anyway. He was much more casual about you than you were about him, and while you viewed him as a real boyfriend, it wasn't mutual.

[Billie28]

You actually do need wooing because that’s what happens early days in a potential relationship .

No it doesn’t have to be wooing you with gifts or fancy restaurants but it still needs to be wooing.

 

It seems that he enjoyed your company and the activities that went with it in and outside of the bedroom but there was nothing apart from that would lead me to think he ever wanted more.

 

It sucks I know to realise you both had different expectations.

 

Put it down to a learning experience and in future from day one don’t be afraid to let someone know of your expectations.

And don’t hang out at each other’s houses until a few months in or until their actions suggest they want what you want.

Allow yourself to be dated! You deserve it!

[Anon333]

we had a big fight about that recently. Because I told him it felt like he didnt care as much as I did. He got really upset and told me never to assume what he is thinking. He started crying in the fight talking about his feelings growing and not wanting them to because he is moving away. I know everyone says he doesn't want the same as me and I am FWB. I feel that way as well but I do still wonder how much I ever meant to him. If I walk away right now will will he realize he wants to put effort in. I doubt it. I am so heartbroken about leaving this relationship. I forgot how much this hurts

[Anon333]

He also at one point invited me to drive to his home town with him after he moved. It hasn't been brought up since things have seemed strained but that also made me feel he was more serious about the relationship than he let on

[MissCanuck]

What is your relationship history like, OP?

[Anon333]

What is your relationship history like, OP?

 

Personally I feel hopeless about relationships. They never work out for me and are almost never healthy. Its very upsetting and I know its my own fault.

[MissCanuck]

Personally I feel hopeless about relationships. They never work out for me and are almost never healthy. Its very upsetting and I know its my own fault.

 

Why do you say that?

 

Are you pursing the wrong kind of man, or?

[Anon333]

I know if it wasn't my fault Id be in a happy relationship by now or at least have had some successful ones. I dont feel Ive ever had a successful relationship. Either I date someone who is sweet to me and Im not that into them and annoyed by them or Im with someone Im head over heals with and its not reciprocated.

[MissCanuck]

And out of curiosity, have you previously become attached very quickly to other men as well?

 

It seems that you didn't know when to pump the brakes a bit here, even if he wanted to spend lots of time with you. It is worth it to slow down a bit, regardless of how fast the other party wants to move, to really get to know a guy and figure out if he is what you are looking for. Spending tons of time together early on, in my experience, tends to build up a false sense of intimacy and set expectations too high - relative to the length of time you've actually known each other.

[Anon333]

I don't think I meet too many people I want to date in my life time so when I do meet someone I want to spend time with its rare and I feel strongly for them pretty fast. I know that's not smart, but I know sometimes those feelings synch up and it can still work out. I have not had a situation where someone I liked and wanted to spend time with wanted t spend as much time with me. This was a new thing for me and it felt really good. Usually one person doesn't want to spend as much time at the other but it felt like we both wanted to hang out as much. I know I should have put the breaks on it to a degree but I really enjoyed the quality time and it did feel like genuine feelings were growing on both sides. But yes, not I see it all crashing.

[MissCanuck]

I know I should have put the breaks on it to a degree but I really enjoyed the quality time and it did feel like genuine feelings were growing on both sides. But yes, not I see it all crashing.

 

This is what I don't get. If the above was how you felt, why all the fighting about his feelings?

 

It almost seems as though are re-writing things now to sound a lot better than they really were. Something was obviously not sitting well with you if you two could not stop arguing about his level of interest. This didn't just come up on the night he blew you off, and you've been dating such short time. That, to me, says that there had been underlying worries throughout most of your time together with him.

[Anon333]

I see what you're saying. Yeah it wasn't all smooth easy going secure feelings definitely. I liked him a lot and wanted to know he felt the same way. All I really got is that he wanted to spend time with me and hold my hand in the car and go on adventures with me. It didn't seem like such a bad thing. It still doesn't. But when I found out he was moving I guess I was more interested in knowing his feelings for me. Whether I should continue to let my feelings grow. I think I definitely got insecure because Im used to men who like me expressing it and showing it more. This person seemed to be holding back. But I also know from experience someone who is all over the place with compliments and praise is usually the least reliable. He seemed to open up and share a lot about himself. I felt we both really loved our time together. But after some fights about where we stood and how he felt and me being over emotional and lashing out I think he started to pick fights and be less nurturing to the relationship. Ive been feeling it fiercely the last couple weeks and I asked him if we were okay the other day and he seemed oblivious....Yet two days later he was not letting me know about plans and turning things around on me when I was upset. Ugh. This is heartbreaking. Ive tried to break up with him multiple times and he wants to stay together. I don't understand why.

[MissCanuck]

He isn't oblivious. He just knows he's leaving and this probably won't continue, despite previous indications to the contrary. He's got other priorities, which I realize hurts you, but he can't manufacture feelings that just aren't there.

 

Also, you don't need a man's permission to break up with him. What I don't understand is why you kept hanging on if you tried to end it multiple times. You could have walked away on your own volition, knowing it wasn't the right match for you. I am gathering you kept hoping things would change and that breaking up would be a wake-up call for him? It evidently didn't work.

 

My guess is that he didn't mind having you around to hang out with and have sex, so he didn't want you to disappear completely. But he wasn't going to take it further, either. Again, this is FWB territory.

 

EDIT: I went back and read your thread from June about this guy. There was a similar episode then, with him appearing to back away a bit and you texting him anxious messages seeking reassurance. This doesn't appear to have been a very solid connection, OP. You also mentioned then that he was relatively newly-single after a long-term relationship. I don't know the circumstances there but perhaps he was also on the rebound, factoring into this off-kilter dynamic between you two.

[Wiseman2]

Ok stop punishing yourself with this. He's done and has told you so. In fact when he packed up and left, it was over. Sending him these messages is wasting time on him when you could be moving on to someone local, without kids who is more interested in pursuing things. Get on some dating apps with some good recent photos and an upbeat profile and start messaging and meeting local men.

 

Yes, don't drink and text. If there is an issue with a tendency to drown your sorrows, look into AA and see if drinking has become a problem for you. No one will take you seriously if you send late night maudlin meandering texts, particularly after all has been said and done already. It sounds like he was put off by drunken texts and 'over-reacting' in the past, no?

 

Delete and block him from all your messaging apps and social media. Consider some short term therapy if you feel beating your head against a wall has become an issue or if insomnia or drinking to cope have become problem.s

I’m haven’t drank tonight and I’m not overreacting.

 

“It was late last night when you sent that so let’s just chock it up to late night blues. Let us take it down a notch. I'm not interested in more emotional drama :). I hope you have a great day!!!! “

[Billie28]

Anon ,

As miss Canuck said, you don’t need permission to break up with someone.

 

You have tried to break up with him multiple times in the 84 days you have known him?

How did he stop you?

 

This screams insecurity on your part?

 

I’d like to ask you, why do you have so much spare time in your life that when you meet a guy you suddenly can spend 3 days per week seeing someone you don’t know?

 

Are you looking for a man to fill gaps in your life? Are you not happy single?

Because until you are happy being single, you can’t nor shouldnt entertain the thought of dating.

 

In early dating you use your actual free time to arrange a date, fit them around your schedule , not make them the schedule.