Is there hope for this relationship?

[Batya33]

I see what you're saying. Yeah it wasn't all smooth easy going secure feelings definitely. I liked him a lot and wanted to know he felt the same way. All I really got is that he wanted to spend time with me and hold my hand in the car and go on adventures with me. It didn't seem like such a bad thing. It still doesn't. But when I found out he was moving I guess I was more interested in knowing his feelings for me. Whether I should continue to let my feelings grow. I think I definitely got insecure because Im used to men who like me expressing it and showing it more. This person seemed to be holding back. But I also know from experience someone who is all over the place with compliments and praise is usually the least reliable. He seemed to open up and share a lot about himself. I felt we both really loved our time together. But after some fights about where we stood and how he felt and me being over emotional and lashing out I think he started to pick fights and be less nurturing to the relationship. Ive been feeling it fiercely the last couple weeks and I asked him if we were okay the other day and he seemed oblivious....Yet two days later he was not letting me know about plans and turning things around on me when I was upset. Ugh. This is heartbreaking. Ive tried to break up with him multiple times and he wants to stay together. I don't understand why.

 

I agree with the others. In such a short relationship this much drama seems like it doesn't have future potential. Many people can love going on dates for the short term. He did and he doesn't see potential. He's leaving, he didn't say he wished you could come with him, he's not asking you to be long distance. Leave it be, leave him alone, move on. Sorry.

[boltnrun]

He liked you.

 

You loved him.

 

This was never going to work.

 

Why are you only super into the men who don't act super into you, and why do you reject the men who ARE super into you?

 

This will keep happening to you until you find out why you keep avoiding relationships (yes, that is what you're doing, but why??)

[Hollyj]

Holly, He brought me by his work a few times and we would ride bikes all day together on our days off and stop at places to eat. It was not romantic but I was okay with that. I guess in a way riding bikes together is romantic. We would each pay for our own food. One time i brought take out food to his place and the next day he went and got food for me and brought it to my place. That was kind of the largest gesture of effort he put into it. I put more effort into going to his place, offering massages when his back hurt, bringing food... But we got along and we both just enjoyed each others time. I dont feel I am that hi maintenance or overly insecure but there are things I wanted from the relationship I wasn't getting. I really adored him (not gonna use the word love) even when I felt he was getting confrontational with me and even when I could not tell how he felt about me. When I asked him if he was seeing other people his response was that he spends his time with me so much he wouldn't be able to. We got in an argument over that as well. Eventually he tried to explain the way he thinks and the way he is....Very unemotional and taking things day by day. I respect that but I also would have loved feeling appreciated in some way. As for the plans last night....We had gone to the movies together the night before, he stopped staying at my place early on because he didnt want to leave his dog so I tried to be understanding even though it would come up.. Before we left that night he said we should watch a movie wed been wanting to see the next day (last night). Before I left I kissed him all over the face and felt really good about things. The next day I gave him a good morning and wished him a good day and he wished me a good day. I get off work at 8 and he gets off at 9. I saw he had facetimed me around 6 and I asked him in a sweet way if he missed my face (i know he accidentally face timed me and was joking). He never wrote back. Then around 8 when I got off I asked what he was up to. I dint hear from him still....9pm came around and then 10 and I told him I wish he had let me know what plans were and that he let me know before he went out of reception (his phone only works with wifi from not paying the whole bill) I tried to not be over emotional about it. It was obvious I was annoyed and I said goodnight to him. His response was annoyed back and that he knew id be negative, it felt just inconsiderate and uncaring. When I tried to explain factual reasons it bothered me he simply wrote "goodnight". This whole thing is very painful for me. He is 44 and and I am almost 40. It is so hard for me to find someone who will eat vegan with me and who likes doing the things I do and who I am attracted to. It has rarely happened in all my days of dating. I am willing to turn a blind eye to someones flaws if they have those important things. But it just hurts as of recent feeling this person maybe doesn't feel the same and my energy in this is futile. He said he wated to continue seeing me after he left and I would have put the effort in. But it seems he isn't willing to put effort in even while I'm here. I really dont know. Am I to just move on and get over this whirlwind? I guess my question of whether there is an hope for us has been answered...

 

I do not understand why you would choose someone who lacks emotion? Would not work for me. This is certainly not who you are either. You were setting yourself up for disappointment in the very beginning.

 

You should have been pissed when he blew you off. It s totally unacceptable! He was out of line, and wrong.

 

Instead of looking for someone with the same eating habits, why don't you seek someone who has the same values and love style. This never had a chance. Why in the world would you want to put the effort into any of. this? You have never been compatible (emotionally or values) he is also emotionless and does not appear to care. At all! I strongly suggest a big break from dating to asses the type of people that YOU have been choosing, as it seems that you are picking people that do not offer any future-this is safe for you.

 

Please stop repeating the final episode in your responses, we have read it many times. You need to look at the big picture, and you poor choices in partners.

 

Lastly, you should have ended things when you found out he was moving. It is not like you guys had been dating for a long time.

[Hollyj]

In the first 3 or 4 months, you should be spending most of your time outside, getting dinner, going to the park or to shows, movies and adventures, not be you guys paying for your own meals and you coming round all the time. He didn't put in effort and treated you more like a FWB than anything else. :I why would you settle for this? Coming round to his is not dating and it's lazy as hell. It's what people do in an established relationship, and even then, it should be 50 percent staying indoors and 50 percent doing things outside. He's meant to impress you and show you what he has to offer. Don't you think you deserve more than this? You're 40...It's time to find someone who isn't going to waste your time and treats you in a special way. This guy barely does the bare minimum.

 

Totally agree with this!

[Jibralta]

“It was late last night when you sent that so let’s just chock it up to late night blues. Let us take it down a notch. I’m not interested in more emotional drama :). I hope you have a great day!!!! “

 

He's a complete crazy-maker. He stood you up and is now making it out like you are being emotionally dramatic.

 

Come on, girl. Have some faith in yourself.

 

Cut this crazy-maker loose and find a good, supportive man.

 

You are not a mental defective. You're a normal, valuable human being with something to say, and something to contribute.

 

Start treating yourself with the respect you deserve.

[Hollyj]

I know if it wasn't my fault Id be in a happy relationship by now or at least have had some successful ones. I dont feel Ive ever had a successful relationship. Either I date someone who is sweet to me and Im not that into them and annoyed by them or Im with someone Im head over heals with and its not reciprocated.

 

You should emotionally unavailable. You choose these types as you know there is no future. Check out Baggagereclaim.com. This was me.

 

Do you have friends and a social life? The thing about him being your best friend after a couple of months, is very odd to me. You sound very lonely.

[katrina1980]

Anon, please listen to what everyone is saying, which it does not appear you are doing.

 

You are creating your own story (that he cares/cared) based on your feelings. It's called projection and it's quite common.

 

I've done it, many of us have, and the reason is accepting the reality of the situation, that he's turned off and done, is too painful to accept, so you create your own story, feign confusion and complain you "don't know what to do."

 

My advice? Accept the reality -- he's DONE- I'm sorry.

 

Also important is to own your role in pushing him away, turning him off with your anxiety, insecurity, neediness and intensity, it was way too over the top this early in.

 

You may not see that as drama, but HE does, he told you.

 

Respect his feelings, leave him alone and stop telling yourself stories, and reliving "the beginning," that was then this is now.

 

He's done.

 

It's okay to have strong feelings, what is not okay is burdening him or any man with your feelings, by way of needing reassurance or questioning him about his feelings time and time again, this early in.

 

Contain, contain, contain.

 

Look I think this turkey may have committment issues or other fears that prevent him from wanting to get close, but that is not your probem!

 

You need to learn to take care of you, manage your anxieties, insecurities on your own, soothe yourself.

 

Not doing so will turn most men off, so please learn from this, accept he is done, it's over and take steps to move on.

 

Again, im sorry.

[Hollyj]

Anon, please listen to what everyone is saying, which it does not appear you are doing.

 

You are creating your own story (that he cares/cared) based on your feelings. It's called projection and it's quite common.

 

I've done it, many of us have, and the reason is accepting the reality of the situation, that he's turned off and done, is too painful to accept, so you create your own story, feign confusion and complain you "don't know what to do."

 

My advice? Accept the reality -- he's DONE- I'm sorry.

 

Also important is to own your role in pushing him away, turning him off with your anxiety, insecurity, neediness and intensity, it was way too over the top this early in.

 

You may not see that as drama, but HE does, he told you.

 

Respect his feelings, leave him alone and stop telling yourself stories, and reliving "the beginning," that was then this is now.

 

He's done.

 

It's okay to have strong feelings, what is not okay is burdening him or any man with your feelings, by way of needing reassurance or questioning him about his feelings time and time again, this early in.

 

Contain, contain, contain.

 

Look I think this turkey may have committment issues or other fears that prevent him from wanting to get close, but that is not your probem!

 

You need to learn to take care of you, manage your anxieties, insecurities on your own, soothe yourself.

 

Not doing so will turn most men off, so please learn from this, accept he is done, it's over and take steps to move on.

 

Again, im sorry.

 

Katrina, I agree that her feeling and anxiety were too much for such a short-lived relationship, but I do not think that this guy ever saw a future with her. He never romanced her and treated he more like a FWB. He put in little effort.

 

Anon, in the future, do not get involved with people shortly, who are shortly out of a relationship. Also, seek people who will romance you, and are not emotionally-void. This was doomed from the start,

[katrina1980]

Katrina, I agree that her feeling and anxiety were too much for such a short-lived relationship, but I do not think that this guy ever saw a future with her. He never romanced her and treated he more like a FWB. He put in little effort.

 

Anon, in the future, do not get involved with people shortly, who are shortly out of a relationship. Also, seek people who will romance you, and are not emotionally-void. This was doomed from the start,

 

Agree with you 100% Holls, which is why I mentioned at the end he never wanted to be close, I think she was telling herself stories from the beginning, despite him telling her he didn't want anything more than what was happening that day.

 

So yeah, Anon, in addition to learning to manage your own anxieties and insecurites and soothe yourself, pay attention to what a man tells you, learn the signs of the emotionally unavailable and have enough self-respect and emotional strength to walk away from such men.

[Sportster2005]

Three months together and he's living. Why put yourself through this misery?

 

Should you end it or stick it out? Stick what out?? He's leaving. Let it go. No, it's not easy, but it is simple. Your miserable with him, despite your feelings for him. Jump the gun, you won't have any regrets. Someday you'll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about. You won't look back and say 'I let the love of my life get away'.