Questioning One's Own Relationship

[Batya33]

I wondered when I read this whether his lying to you (by omission, sounds like) about his previous marriage made you doubt him a bit generally as in what else is he lying about? If not, and you're over that I wholeheartedly agree with the others. I read and see tons of stuff about infidelity since I am on two huge moms groups on Facebook so of course..... and no it doesn't trigger doubts about my marriage. And yes there are one or two women he works with who I don't trust completely. And I trust him so "the end". And I even like one of these women! Sometimes if I OD on negative posts about marriage/commitment it puts me in a sad mood so I know it's too much.

 

Thanks for sharing -interesting topic and I'm glad this helped you.

[katrina1980]

This is what my mother called "borrowing trouble".

 

What if, what if. What if you walk out your front door and an anvil falls on your head? Should you refuse to leave home? What if the pastries you bought are infected with botulism? Should you stop eating?

 

Living your life in fear is no life at all.

 

No argument from me about that!

 

I completely agree, which is why I created this thread.

 

I know my thoughts are irrational, I was looking for advice on how to squelch those irrational thoughts, and also if anyone else has experienced this.

 

I received some great suggestions, including my own conclusion that I am just going to have to somehow reconcile these thoughts otherwise they have the potential of destroying our relationship.

 

So gonna work on that, thanks!!

[katrina1980]

I wondered when I read this whether his lying to you (by omission, sounds like) about his previous marriage made you doubt him a bit generally as in what else is he lying about? If not, and you're over that I wholeheartedly agree with the others. I read and see tons of stuff about infidelity since I am on two huge moms groups on Facebook so of course..... and no it doesn't trigger doubts about my marriage. And yes there are one or two women he works with who I don't trust completely. And I trust him so "the end". And I even like one of these women! Sometimes if I OD on negative posts about marriage/commitment it puts me in a sad mood so I know it's too much.

 

Thanks for sharing -interesting topic and I'm glad this helped you.

 

Hey Bat, thanks! Yeah I have completely moved on from that "lie of omission."

 

This is really my own issue stemming from my own anxiety; fortunately I do not discuss these thoughts with my bf, seeking reassurance, etc.

 

It's my issue to resolve and through hell or high water, I will! One way or the other.

[boltnrun]

Whenever I have an intrusive thought I literally tell myself "that's an intrusive thought. It has no basis in reality".

 

Works every time.

[Batya33]

Whenever I have an intrusive thought I literally tell myself "that's an intrusive thought. It has no basis in reality".

 

Works every time.

 

Did you come up with that specific wording so that it becomes a mantra or does it work for you even if you use similar wording/phrasing?

[boltnrun]

Did you come up with that specific wording so that it becomes a mantra or does it work for you even if you use similar wording/phrasing?

 

I don't really use "mantras" but I do have a thing where I like things to be organized. You know, a place for everything and everything in its place. So, I do tend to think those words pretty exactly.

[katrina1980]

Whenever I have an intrusive thought I literally tell myself "that's an intrusive thought. It has no basis in reality".

 

Works every time.

 

There is a name for that, of having those types of thoughts that take you away from the negativity, I am trying to remember what it is!!

[Batya33]

Hey Bat, thanks! Yeah I have completely moved on from that "lie of omission."

 

This is really my own issue stemming from my own anxiety; fortunately I do not discuss these thoughts with my bf, seeking reassurance, etc.

 

It's my issue to resolve and through hell or high water, I will! One way or the other.

 

Good for you not seeking reassurance - that shows a lot of insight and self-awareness. My friend went through this in her first marriage -was freaked out that her husband was attracted to other women/wanted other women - when there was zero basis for it. Where it came from I think was a way of distracting herself from how unhappy she was in the marriage- and for good reason. But he had said to her that he was done with being subjected to her insecurities that he might be "cheating" and in that sense he was right -he did not deserve to be under a microscope. Of all their issues that was not one of them and many years later after their divorce I believe that still is true - nothing ever surfaced about anything and there was no basis. But it almost destroyed her marriage. Good for you for working on this on your own.

[maew]

Check out Life in Pieces on Netflix. Tattoobunnie posted something about it the other day and I responded. It's hilarious... and not dark!

 

I'm a fan of darker humour also. There's another Brit show I watch called Flowers, also on Netflix, and it's a witty and creative take on dealing with depression (a rather intellectual Edgar Allan Poe type of feel). The protaganist is an author suffering from depression in a rural town and the ups and downs with his family. I find it tasteful and quite funny. Touches on some sensitive topics without being entirely stupid about it.

 

Life in Pieces is one of my favourite shows! I find it absolutely hilarious [emoji23]

[Rose Mosse]

Life in Pieces is one of my favourite shows! I find it absolutely hilarious [emoji23]

 

The dad with the ugly carved puppet thing was so funny....... I have no idea why but that seriously made me laugh so hard my face hurt. That was probably my favourite episode but I am still on season 1 only though. Close to finishing that season. I think there are three seasons available (on the Canadian Netflix anyway).

 

I like the non-fictional murder mysteries and 48 hrs type of documentaries but I too find them a little too dark all at once. I maybe watch 2-3 a week and then move to something funny. There's a dark one out there about killer nurses which I found last week. It's awful and chilling (more like watching a train wreck) and I can only handle one episode at a time. I don't think it's just you, Katrina. Those types of shows are great for being provocative now and then but I'm not sure they're meant to be binge-watched. I would think it does take a toll on the average person.

[Fudgie]

I love true crime documentaries... The darker the better. I did see that "Nurses who Kill" series and binged it in a few days . I don't watch NCIS/CSI type stuff, I only want the real stuff. That's actually my go-to for TV so I watch this stuff pretty regularly.

 

I remember when I started watching around 14/15 or so, it did cause me some anxiety. Now it doesn't rouse anything like that in me but I know for others it does. You may seriously want to evaluate your warchinf habits because these shows can be anxiety inducing. If it's making you doubt a relationship when there is no reason to doubt at this time, then maybe it's time to take a break and see how you feel.

 

Keep in mind that many people only see what they want to see. People can have the most ridiculous blinders. It's important to follow your gut and if something seems off, pay attention to that. So many people rug sweep the red flags and that's why people, both men and women, can carry on affairs.

[Wiseman2]

Very few people are con men and sociopath enough to carry on these kind of double lives. "Trust" should not be mistaken for being asleep at the wheel or on autopilot. Being aware is crucial.

[irka000]

Katrina, you are truly special woman and helped so many people on here..... Like someone already mentioned, your man is lucky to have you. Enjoy it....

As you may recall I am full of anxiety....however I recently absorbed a short but powerful book that helped me immensely. I feel more free than ever before....my mind is free....I refuse to overthinking and believe in my stories I create on regular basis.

Please read Don Miguel Ruiz work and it should blow your mind....some things are obvious and we all know about it ....some are obvious but we are blind to them.

My mind was full of the thoughts you shared in your post.....now when they try to enter my mind ,I deal with them accordingly...and I am so much lighter....

As you always say, trust in the connection you have with your man....

After all, it's really not easy to click with someone....you can be attracted but very often it is temporary.

Trust but also aware as Wiseman so rightly pointed out but most importantly enjoy it :)

[reinventmyself]

I read an analogy I still think of in those anxious moments.

It was explained that fearful dating was much like a fearful flyer.

 

Imagine a fearful flyer in a plane and with every bump and creak they panic thinking the plane will crash, but it never does. There is no consoling the fearful flyer and maybe with time and exposure, it will go away.

 

For some, relationships can be the same way. With every missed call, late text, mystery phone call, a fearful dater can come up with the worst case scenarios. So much so dating feels painful. Much like the fearful flyer, you're white knuckling the entire experience.

 

I've am reminded of this analogy when I feel a relationship bump. I don't give it any more value than it deserves.

It's just a bump and the plane doesn't fall out the sky.

 

Hope this helps. I know it helps me

[katrina1980]

Aw, thank you so much guys, your posts have been so uplifting! I woke up today in much better spirits.

 

The issue with me I think is that when I love, which doesn't happen all that often, I love hard. Very intensely.

 

I don't overwhelm or suffocate, in fact we're both quite independent and need space from time to time, but I do tend to put those I love on a pedestal, I did same with my ex (and look where that got me), and I also did same with my dad when I was younger.

 

I know it's not healthy but that's just how I love, while at the same time causing me quite a bit of anxiety too! Ugh.

 

Love is so crazy sometimes, isn't it? I am thinking of starting my group therapy again, private therapy didn't work for me, but I loved the group, monitored by a qualified therapist of course.

 

It's good to get this stuff out and not allowing all these fears and anxieties to fester within.

 

I am also debating whether or not to share some of my anxieties with my boyfriend. Not to seek his reassurance (truth) but just to let him know what's going on with me!

 

I mean isn't that what intimacy and commitment are about -- sharing your innermost thoughts (no matter what they are) with your partner? I feel like I am being somewhat disingenuous with him by not sharing all of "me" with him.

 

Any thoughts on that would be appreciated and thanks again! xx

[bluecastle]

I am also debating whether or not to share some of my anxieties with my boyfriend. Not to seek his reassurance (truth) but just to let him know what's going on with me!

 

I mean isn't that what intimacy and commitment are about -- sharing your innermost thoughts (no matter what they are) with your partner?

 

Do you mean these specific anxieties—triggered by ENA, TV, etc.—or talking to him more about your anxiety in general? Can you say a bit more about what that "sharing" looks like? Do you think, right now, he is a man talking about marriage with a woman who he believes is immune to anxiety, that you're "keeping" that part of you secret?

 

I guess I ask because it might be a lot to share, say, that you read a thread on this website about someone living a secret life involving internet women and started feeling itchy about him, your relationship, your future, and so on. That's petty incendiary stuff, you know? But talking about general anxieties, especially those connected to taking steps like marriage, to say nothing of concerns specific to him and his nature that raise an eyebrow—well, I think that's all healthy, expected, part of any solid relationship.

 

Group therapy might be a good step, if it's worked in the past. I kind of think of this site as group therapy, in ways, at least as I enjoy it. It calms me down, helps me realize my problems aren't special, and in advising others I find I sharpen my own tools, my own values, and by extension can evaluate my life and my relationships with nuance. But if you find coming here, or watching certain TV programming, has a way of triggering fears more than offering solace then maybe, as others have suggested, it might be worth adjusting some of those habits a bit to see if certain spins slow. (But don't adjust too much, since we love you on here!)

 

I'm curious too to hear more about how you think the pedestal-ing is connecting to the anxiety. Is it that, once they're placed "up there," you're not as comfortable talking to them about concerns, or accepting that you're "allowed" to think of them as anything save for "perfect"? I guess I ask because that could be a kind of binary mode of thinking, where people are either Totally Amazing or Totally Reprehensible, cutting out the sweet, ambiguous waters where all of us actually reside and connect. So when you read about someone who turned out to be Totally Reprehensible to someone who considered them Totally Amazing (your narrative as much as theirs) it triggers you?

[katrina1980]

blue, if I do choose to open up about my fears and anxieties, it would be in the general, not related to anything in particular I read or watched on ENA, the tele, in the news, in court, or anywhere.

 

Those things simply trigger the anxiety, the anxiety is always there, lurking.

 

He knows I have bipolar 2 and I do a great job of managing that most of the time.

 

But it's those times like yesterday when those anxieties intensify.

 

What my sharing would look like is us lying together one night, enjoying our quiet time, just being together. And me opening up about how sometimes I feel anxious about our relationship , how sometimes I get scared it's just all going to suddenly implode.

 

Again, not seeking reassurance, I mean what could he say anyway? Truth is anything can happen, I know that, he knows that.

 

So it would be dumb of me to share for the purpose of seeking reassurance.

 

Yes I have been hiding that part of me in a way. The deeper thoughts, the darker thoughts.

 

I trust him completely and feel at this point, he would want to hear them.

 

He's shared with me some of his darker thoughts, so I see no reason why I can't share mine.

 

I've just been a bit afraid to up till now, perhaps after 1.5 years I am finally at a point where I trust him with these darker emotions.

 

Hope that makes sense.

[katrina1980]

 

I'm curious too to hear more about how you think the pedestal-ing is connecting to the anxiety. Is it that, once they're placed "up there," you're not as comfortable talking to them about concerns, or accepting that you're "allowed" to think of them as anything save for "perfect"?

 

No, being up on that pedestal simply reflects the intensity of my love. And the more intense the love, the more fearful and anxious I get that it's all going to suddenly implode.

 

I mean, that is exactly what happened with my ex, after nearly six years, planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii, it all suddenly imploded, and then was suddenly all over.

 

So perhaps this is some residual fear from that painful experience rearing its ugly head, I honestly don't know.

[bluecastle]

I think there's beauty in all that sharing, and, if done well or with two people who do it well together, more closeness to find. Those deeper thoughts, the darker thoughts—they are a part of you, and as such portals of greater intimacy, for and with another.

 

Personally, I find what makes relationships so special is the same thing that makes life so special: the fragility of it all. To pretend that's not the case—well, to do that is to close off certain places to connect and explore, the emotional equivalent of having sex in only one or two positions, and only at night.

 

I say that not just to be saucy, but because emotional intimacy works much the same way as physical intimacy: we're always exploring, while, of course, getting comfortable with a certain routine. Then we get a bit too comfortable and we explore a bit more—and, oh, hey, this feels really good, doesn't it now? And together you excavate a new layer, sometimes between the sheets with bodies, sometimes while lounging around with words—those two modes of intimacy in a constant dance.

 

Perhaps you'll find your anxieties at the moment are really just you seeing (or sensing) yet another layer to explore with your boyfriend while revealing another layer of yourself—one of those small, nervy steps into something that seems like darkness but actually just creates new light. And, with it, new calm.

[Batya33]

No, being up on that pedestal simply reflects the intensity of my love. And the more intense the love, the more fearful and anxious I get that it's all going to suddenly implode.

 

I mean, that is exactly what happened with my ex, after nearly six years, planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii, it all suddenly imploded, and then was suddenly all over.

 

So perhaps this is some residual fear from that painful experience rearing its ugly head, I honestly don't know.

 

I don't think putting him up on a pedestal necessarily reflects intensity of your love for him -it might reflect how you regard yourself in this relationship. Loving someone intensely of course includes admiration, respect ,etc - but admiration from a perspective of confidence and admiring yourself. I do not like being put up on a pedestal -maybe very very briefly -meaning if I did something extra special you know "wow you're the best!!!" or vice versa but if you love someone intensely you ideally feel like they're with you by your side not "up there" and the person who is placed up there often can feel kind of turned off or at least uncomfortable. I like it when people I love are straight with me. That's much much harder to do if you put someone up on a pedestal -and often just not possible.

[katrina1980]

I don't think putting him up on a pedestal necessarily reflects intensity of your love for him -it might reflect how you regard yourself in this relationship. Loving someone intensely of course includes admiration, respect ,etc - but admiration from a perspective of confidence and admiring yourself. I do not like being put up on a pedestal -maybe very very briefly -meaning if I did something extra special you know "wow you're the best!!!" or vice versa but if you love someone intensely you ideally feel like they're with you by your side not "up there" and the person who is placed up there often can feel kind of turned off or at least uncomfortable. I like it when people I love are straight with me. That's much much harder to do if you put someone up on a pedestal -and often just not possible.

 

Hi Bat, I needed to think about this^ for a bit before responding.

 

I think there is some truth to your words if I'm being honest w myself..

 

I had my ex up on that pedestal, he knew it and actually loved it.

 

He loved the way I loved him, admired him, dare I say I nearly worshipped the man.

 

Super unhealthy I know I realize that now. But his love for me was just as intense, needless to say our relationship was addictive and obsessive.

 

Being up on the pedestal, no it did not turn him off, it actually turned him on. Most likely due to his own insecurites which is also why he turned to drugs, eventually becoming addicted to that too.

 

However, while it did not turn him off per se, he did admit at the end to feeling "pressured" by it, the pressure of having to live up to the high standard being on that pedestal warranted in his mind.

 

What he did not know was I would have loved him regardless. My bad for not showing him that. I learned.

 

I don know why I am even discussing him really, I have moved past it, and learned a lot from it.

 

I guess I just don't want to make that mistake again w my current, of loving "too" much and possibly being blinded by certain things.

 

Like his earlier lie of omission about being married and his subsequent dismissive attitude when I asked him about it.

 

Nearly everyone who responded to my thread, and in real life too warned me -- huge red flag!! But I quickly forgave and have moved on from it. Just like I used to do w my ex till the bitter end.

 

As I said, things are kicking up to the next level, a more serious level, and I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

[Batya33]

Yes, that's interesting. So I agree -you can put someone on a pedestal - and then if he does something that causes him in one's mind to slip off it results in a crash. As opposed to what you said which is -even if he had slipped a bit you would love him regardless.

 

I think there is "loving too much" but it's often from loving oneself not enough.

[katrina1980]

Yes, that's interesting. So I agree -you can put someone on a pedestal - and then if he does something that causes him in one's mind to slip off it results in a crash. As opposed to what you said which is -even if he had slipped a bit you would love him regardless.

 

I think there is "loving too much" but it's often from loving oneself not enough.

 

Do you have time to elaborate on your last sentence?

 

I have self-love, I don't see the correlation, but if you would clarify, perhaps I might.

 

Thanks.

[Batya33]

Do you have time to elaborate on your last sentence?

 

I have self-love, I don't see the correlation, but if you would clarify, perhaps I might.

 

Thanks.

 

I think loving too much really isn't about love for the other person in the sense of loving as giving. If you give "too much" to the extent that you compromise self care or go against your values then that is more about low self esteem than "too much love" or reflecting that the person has such a large capacity for love.

[katrina1980]

I think loving too much really isn't about love for the other person in the sense of loving as giving. If you give "too much" to the extent that you compromise self care or go against your values then that is more about low self esteem than "too much love" or reflecting that the person has such a large capacity for love.

 

I see, but I am careful to not give more than I receive, or perhaps at times I give more and other times he does.

 

I don't feel I compromise my values in any way, and strive to always stay true to myself.

 

Re him being married previously and not telling me, well, I am being 100% honest when I say I did not compromise my values on that, at least I didn't think I did at the time.

 

But now that you mentioned it, perhaps I did!

 

May I ask what you would have ultimately done in that same situation?