He Rejected Me - I Still Want Friendship

[ConfusedLady21]

No one said you are an idiot. We simply do not understand why you would want to continue any sort of relationship with someone you deem "manipulative," and who you barely know? What a waste of time. You should focus on meeting better people.

 

You cannot be friends with someone if there are feelings. I am concerned that you were crying over someone that you went on two coffee dates with.

 

I get that. Honestly, why was I crying is because we talked every day for months. At first, he told me that he wanted to change my last name and put a ring on my finger. Of course super unrealistic flirting.. That unfamiliar excitement that I haven't felt in years creeped in. Quickly, I opened up to him and allowed myself to feel comfortable. That's not something that just happens with just anyone, I have had men try to get me to open up . Acquaintances are nice, but this man excited me. Rejection bites, so I cried a little. It's back to being bored..

[Billie28]

Female.

 

Capricorn is here to moderate not to suppress her own thoughts.

And the post wasn’t lacking empathy.

 

I dated someone for a while but called it off. It was only meant to be a short term fwb thing but he started behaving like a bf and I never agreed to a relationship with him.

After I rejected him he pleaded to be friends after a couple weeks no contact.

But then as friends he was contacting me too much .

 

We remained friends for about 8 months but everyso often I would have to remind him that’s all we are.

After 8 months of supposed friendship he started to lose his hope (that I never gave him) and finally he is starting to grieve and has gone into nc with me. Which I of course am fine with.

 

He suppressed his feelings for so long and now he is finally dealing with them.

I suggest you do too!

[ConfusedLady21]

Female.

 

Capricorn is here to moderate not to suppress her own thoughts.

And the post wasn’t lacking empathy.

 

I dated someone for a while but called it off. It was only meant to be a short term fwb thing but he started behaving like a bf and I never agreed to a relationship with him.

After I rejected him he pleaded to be friends after a couple weeks no contact.

But then as friends he was contacting me too much .

 

We remained friends for about 8 months but everyso often I would have to remind him that’s all we are.

After 8 months of supposed friendship he started to lose his hope (that I never gave him) and finally he is starting to grieve and has gone into nc with me. Which I of course am fine with.

 

He suppressed his feelings for so long and now he is finally dealing with them.

I suggest you do too!

 

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. Very insightful, and I don't want to end up like him. I don't think I would be as pushy or try to get as close as how he did things.

[Cherylyn]

If it's a risk you're willing to take, then go for it. Just don't have any high hopes nor expectations. The worst he can do is ignore you and then you can respectfully leave him alone and don't bother him anymore.

[ConfusedLady21]

True, you guys are right though. No use in becoming friends with a player. Their goal is only one thing.. if you don't give that to them, why would they waste their breath? Thanks for the tough love you guys

[Hollyj]

I get that. Honestly, why was I crying is because we talked every day for months. At first, he told me that he wanted to change my last name and put a ring on my finger. Of course super unrealistic flirting.. That unfamiliar excitement that I haven't felt in years creeped in. Quickly, I opened up to him and allowed myself to feel comfortable. That's not something that just happens with just anyone, I have had men try to get me to open up . Acquaintances are nice, but this man excited me. Rejection bites, so I cried a little. It's back to being bored..

 

Some pointers:

You should never talk for months. A meet up should occur within the 1-2 weeks

The name and ring nonsense is player talk. This person does not know you. I would have been so turned off by this, as I would know that I was one of many who he speaks to in this manner. A man that does not know you. should NEVER be so familiar with you

Look for someone who does not come on with unrealistic talk. Meet someone early and get to know them slowly

[Hollyj]

Good luck, and look out for the players!

[Rose Mosse]

You need time to breathe and grow away from this person. He is not a good influence on you and you'll probably realize that later on down the line. I'm not sure what kinds of self-help you're engaging with but I'd be careful about some of the material out there. It may be giving you a false sense of bravado and confidence that you aren't tapping into on your own in your own time reflecting and realizing how damaging and negative this relationship with this older male is. You're limiting yourself severely and aren't opening yourself up to the right influences. I normally don't write like this but your enthusiasm for this person is coming from a very strange and unnatural place and I'm not sure if it's the material you're reading to bolster your self-esteem. Take it easy and don't be afraid to come to your own conclusions. It's usually the longer route but the more genuine one.

[Wiseman2]

Is he married? There was never a "rejection", just the reality that it was just flirting/ casual coffee in the first place. Let things settle down and perhaps the friendship will resume.

I got anxious and got shut down when I tried to push for him to solidify a date and time with me for the third date.

[bluecastle]

You need time to breathe and grow away from this person. He is not a good influence on you and you'll probably realize that later on down the line. I'm not sure what kinds of self-help you're engaging with but I'd be careful about some of the material out there. It may be giving you a false sense of bravado and confidence that you aren't tapping into on your own in your own time reflecting and realizing how damaging and negative this relationship with this older male is. You're limiting yourself severely and aren't opening yourself up to the right influences. I normally don't write like this but your enthusiasm for this person is coming from a very strange and unnatural place and I'm not sure if it's the material you're reading to bolster your self-esteem. Take it easy and don't be afraid to come to your own conclusions. It's usually the longer route but the more genuine one.

 

I second this.

 

Hard words to read, I'd imagine. But they're worth reading and rereading a few times. I think I said something similar in your first post about this guy—that his influence on you, and your attraction to him, is that he makes you feel anxious, minimized, unimpressive, unformed, insecure. Seems that feedback loop has just sped up, in a very short time, without him doing anything but inhaling and exhaling.

 

This guy is just, well, a guy. Not a player, not a Romeo, not a Svengali, not special or powerful. But I think for you he represents something—something false, some fast-track portal to empowerment and dynamism that can be attained by establishing some kind of relationship with him that works. As long as you keep thinking along those lines, and plotting out ways to establish a viable connection with him, you'll find yourself feeling smaller, more jittery, blurrier, frozen in place instead of growing.

 

Not good, all that.

 

Relationships, be they romantic or platonic, are not "tests" we put ourselves through. They are not workouts or obstacle courses in which we gain through pain. They are both simpler and more complex than that, and I hope you come to see that. He is a person, not an idea, and the person he is does not bring out an authentic person in you. It's not about "rejection" or "acceptance," these things, but simply in making time for people who serve us and shedding those that don't.

 

This is not a person who serves you.

[Batya33]

Agree with bluecastle, Capricorn, Holly, etc.

 

My stories -I was really into a guy sort of like your guy - we dated seriously for 5 months. He was never that into me. After he ended things he wanted to hang out/chat once in awhile, perhaps hook up. I spoke with him once or twice and yes we kissed once when I realized -nope - very bad for me. He'd never had a very long term serious relationship (he was 40, I was mid 30s). 6 months after we broke up he met his future wife and they got married a year later. Truth is he continued on occasion to send me crossing the line emails and to call and sort of put out feelers and I did not bite (yes, while he was dating her, engaged, married).

 

I stayed good friends -including now, 15 years later plus - with his younger brother because that is how we met originally and he and I had been friends for years before. And we almost never ever mention my "ex" - if he is it is totally in passing as part of a description of a family gathering. I've never mentioned him or that he contacted me. That is how strict I feel I need to be about boundaries. And it only works because younger brother also sticks to those boundaries.

 

Checking in on Facebook or occasionally flirting etc is not a friendship -it's just you telling yourself dishonest stories and him continuing to feel flattered (or slightly or more repulsed by how desperate you will come across)

 

Second story. My friend who was very attractive way back when became almost obsessed with someone in her community theater group (I met him -thought he was arrogant) - anyway for about 4 years she focused on him - flirted some, they became friends, she thought he might be interested (the most they ever did was cuddle a bit at a party - he didn't try to have sex or close) - for four years in her 30s. I tried to introduce her to other men -nope -she'd go on a date here and there that's it.

 

One time I couldn't help myself and told her what I thought when, at an airport on the way to a theater event he lay on her lap and was making eyes at her etc and he spent a whole day with her in a park "as friends" - I couldn't stand how she was still tolerating all this -he knew she was into him.

 

Four years in their mutual friend in the theater group tells her that she and the guy, J had been dating for most of that time, secretly and just broke up. Still my friend didn't let go, didn't care that he never told her this.

So do you think he then became her boyfriend? Of course not. She's now in her 50s. Single. At this point she might want to be single, to be fair as we havent' been in close touch in about 5-6 years. She is very overweight now and I'm sure she is unhappy about that as she always wanted to be fit/slim. I truly think that not only did she waste all those years -and you are venturing down a similar path -but that it impacted her chances of being in a healthy relationship. She does love her cats and is a total cat mom and lives in a great neighborhood in an exciting city. But still, sad.

[Gary Snyder]

You are fooling yourself..........even friends can set up a get-together. If he can't set a date, both friends or lovers is off.

 

Find others to be friends or lover. Leave this guy alone and stop getting rejected.

[PuffyParakee]

I warned myself of this as well. This very thought made me second guess if I should even contact him.. but it wasn't until I saw him viewing my facebook story, that maybe I should just say hello. We got one life, I wont know until I ask.

Don't do it. You still have your dignity intact, you bowed out gracefully.

If you contact him, this will further inflate his already huge ego because you did say that he's a lady's man.

You will never get over him if you contact him, besides, how do you know he will be receptive to being friends with you? Remember, he's a man. Most men are not interested with being friends with a woman unless they are getting sex out of it.

 

I feel like you wanting to contact him is a way of trying to get him to fall for you.

As if treading lightly and being the cool girl will win you some points with him, it may not work that way & you may end up with a broken heart.

Think this over. Meet other men, hang out with a friend/family to try to get over this player.

[ThatwasThen]

I wouldn't give a flying you know what about inflating his already inflated ego... If I was as obsessed and hung up on someone as much as this Op seems to be... my concern would be about clinging to every crumb some player deemed to send my way when it suited him and thereby stagnating me from getting over my unrequited crush on him and keeping me from being open enough in heart and mind to find a good dating prospect that was as into me as I would be into him.

 

Op: You sound like someone who is going learn through her mistakes so good luck trying to get to the state of not pining for is every communication (or thinking about him when you are on a date with another man). You, by all accounts do not have the ability to compartmentalize platonic interaction from your Limerence of him. He is your Limerent Object. (google that) I say these things with your best interests at heart.

[abitbroken]

Don't be his friend VALUE yourself more than you value him. If you are looking for a boyfriend and he is not interested, drop him and make yourself available to meet the right one. you will be too busy trying to be a lady in waiting and will miss a great guy. Make more female friends. Get hobbies. But don't try to ingratiate yourself to try to be his "friend" just to bask in the glow of his presence.

[bluecastle]

If you contact him, this will further inflate his already huge ego because you did say that he's a lady's man.

 

We see a lot of these sorts of comments on threads like this, and I'm honestly not sure how helpful they always are.

 

It takes a pretty big ego to think you have the ability to inflate another's ego, after all, to say nothing of what fuels this level of breathless fantasizing and obsessing about someone. I think it's far healthier to be able to see that than to label disinterested men "players" for failing to stick to the script written by a thirsty imagination.

 

Yes, there are some smooth-talkers out there who mask a saucy agenda with some bells and whistles. But I don't see that story here, so to even call this guy a "player" is to give him power he doesn't deserve, mystery that is not there, to write the same myth in "no contact" as it written by reaching out to contact.

 

Sure, I suppose it's momentarily empowering to find "strength" in "resisting the player's games." But that's just the flip-side to the "strength" one gets (per the previous post) in finding ways to keep a player "chasing," to be a player's choice, to "win" the game. None of that is connection. Most of it? Well, it's ego. Thirst quenching.

 

Confused? I feel for you, and hope none of that comes off harsh. But I think if you can be more honest about what you mean by "friendship" here you may find this whole thing loses its shine, even if it means looking a little more closely in the mirror than looking for ways to show him "acceptance."

 

Because in this case "friendship" roughly translates, best I can tell, to "leveling up." Your urge to "associate with intelligent people who are light years ahead of me" speaks of some self-doubts swirling inside of you and an urge to find the kill switch to the swirl inside of others and inside of others wanting you. Understandable. You're young, looking around, figuring things out. But looking for another as a shortcut for personal evolution is a dangerous path, and I think the "strongest" takeaway from this whole thing is that this man has showed you those dangers.

 

Obsessing about people is easy, so is judging them, be it by boosting them up or writing them off. All that keeps the spotlight off ourselves, which is to say it keeps us in the dark. In the dark we stay still, repeat patterns, and become vulnerable to being "played" by people who aren't even playing a game.

[ThatwasThen]

I wouldn't call, calling a player giving him "power" over oneself. "Player" is a negative and if he is actually one, then acknowledging the negative aspect of his personality and penchant for strange will just (hopefully) help the Op to see that with friends like him, (when she is crushing on him) who needs enemies?

[bluecastle]

I wouldn't call, calling a player giving him "power" over oneself. "Player" is a negative and if he is actually one, then acknowledging the negative aspect of his personality and penchant for strange will just (hopefully) help the Op to see that with friends like him, (when she is crushing on him) who needs enemies?

 

Fair enough.

 

I mean, I totally agree that, in this case, this dude doesn't sound like he's worth anyone's time, certainly not Confused's. Maybe he could do okay on Jeopardy, but using Facebook, at 40something, to reach out to 20somethings? Not cute, even if he's got a cute glint in the eye.

 

Guess I'm just saying, having followed this little saga over three posts, that this guy is more a mirror to something inside Confused that's a little knotted up than anything else.

[ThatwasThen]

Guess I'm just saying, having followed this little saga over three posts, that this guy is more a mirror to something inside Confused that's a little knotted up than anything else.

I think so too.

 

I think most people who haven't had much of a relationship with someone who has rejected them and are "novices" at dating and how to protect themselves emotionally, tend to want to 'be the friend if they can't be the lover' because it's easier to self sooth the ego if its perceived that they want to at least keep us (the general us) in their life in some capacity. I also think that Confused is soothing her bruised ego by telling herself (and us) why she wants to keep him in her life and isn't exactly being honest with herself in the process.

 

If she's as interested in the things she says she wants from him then there are classes with professors that would have just as much knowledge as she thinks he has and she'd be keeping herself busy by attending some of them and giving herself a chance to meet new men, in real life, at the same time. This would allow her to keep to N/C and rehab from her infatuation of him.

 

Those are my thoughts, anyway... Cheers.

[boltnrun]

I think she said two pages ago she decided not to pursue friendship.

[katrina1980]

I think it depends on how one defines "player."

 

A man who multi-dates and is successful w many women?

 

Many here would define a man like that a player, attach all sorts of negativity to it, block, delete next.

 

That's not how I define it, which is why whenever I use the term, I put in quotes because it's such an ambiguous term.

 

To me, a player is a man who yes multi-dates and is successful w women, but uses deception and dishonesty to achieve his goals.

 

Is that what this man did? Did he lie to OP, did his words and actions lead her to believe he wanted a relationship, with her? Knowing all along he didn't?

 

I didn't read that he did, perhaps I missed it.

 

He's a man who enjoys multi-dating, is successful w women, and after having two coffee dates w OP, decided he didn't wish to pursue it.

 

I fail to see how this makes him a "player" if I missed something, please enlighten me.

 

OP, that said, being how into this man you are beyond friendship, I am happy you have chosen to walk away and not pursue a friendship w him.

 

Good call.

[ThatwasThen]

player is a man who yes multi-dates and is successful w women, but uses deception and dishonesty to achieve his goals.

I think that is the exact opposite of what a player is. What you are describing is just a jerk.

 

Think James Bond... he doesn't have to lie an any woman to get them into bed. He leaves for months or more but they always welcome him back... He doesn't need to use deception or lie, his ways are just accepted by women who, like the Op are willing to take what little he is willing to give. A non committal dude who doesn't need to apologise for his lack of commitment. A player is a negative to any woman that wants a man that is monogamous and willing to commit to one woman.

 

Just my views on it.

 

*Notes that the Op doesn't intend to try and befriend the dude*

[katrina1980]

Yeah I guess we just see it differently then TwT.

 

"Player" -- a man who "plays" women.

 

A man can want to date and even have sex w many women but still not be "playing" them.

 

Assuming he's not intentionally deceiving them in any way, lying, leading them to believe a relationship is what he wants when it's not.

 

If he is using deception, then he's playing them, and as such is a player. And in that sense, a man like that is a huge negative to any woman.

 

Imo James Bond wasn't a player. He didn't "play" women, he was simply an extremely cool, confident sexy man whose natural masculine essence attracted many women.

 

He had great positive energy, he loved women; women knew what he was about and chose to get involved regardless.

 

None of it was negative.

 

And when they eventually left, they continued to have positive thoughts about him.

 

I got involved w a man like that once. Huge multi-dater, successful with women, had at least two in rotation when he met me.

 

Did not hide the fact he had no interest in commitment, never fed me the typical bullshyt other men had.

 

He was very attracted to me as I was to him. Our interaction/relationship was one of the most honest, genuine, real experiences I've ever had w a man.

 

It did not last for obvious reasons, given I am a relationship-oriented girl, but it was a great positive experience, I learned a lot from it, about myself mostly, and still have positive thoughts about him today.

[ThatwasThen]

@ Katrina.

We don't actually see it all that differently. Like I said, James Bond is a player. Which means He PLAYS the field. Its not about playing games to win them over, or about lying to get the chickas in bed, he doesn't have to lie or game them because his way with women is intoxicating and his nuance, the essence that is him is addicting.

 

Getting yourself involved with someone who only wants to PLAY the field is a negative for any woman whose end dating goal is a committed relationship of the monogamous kind.

 

Guys who lie to woman and lead them on to think they want a relationship in order to get them in bed are jerks, not players IMO

[ConfusedLady21]

You guys, He totally is a player. Reason being is because he had no intentions on getting serious with me, but he talked to me about changing my name and putting a rock on my finger. He started using the terms "we" and "us" talking to me about all of the things we would do.. and I honestly felt like that gave me false hope. That was never his intention. His main intention was to get invited over and get me alone. He kept taking a picture of my neighborhood to let me know he was near by.

 

I was reading over some of your comments earlier today. I wasn't able to respond until now. You guys are right. And I owe Capricorn3 an apology. I was acting cringe worthy. I read my last desperate post and I cringed at myself. I get wrapped up in discarding logic and wanting to make excuses to do what I want. You guys are really helping me get passed an obsession. I wanted him so bad, but I am not sure if anything about our interaction was genuine.