Go to his house or not?

[Wiseman2]

Yes, wait until you are ready. The place must seem "haunted" to you, so avoid it for now. In time you'll feel more indifferent and at that time you can be with your kids, in that house, at events etc without getting the heebie-jeebies.

[SarahLancaster]

goddess, for heaven's sake. The world won't come crashing down on you if you were to accidentally bump into your ex husband, which is highly unlikely anyway.

 

You and he share a son, and you're doing a favor for your son. You're not invading the ex's space because you're nosy.

[Carus]

Probably gonna throw a spanner here but in my years of counseling one of my most favoured forms of therapy is what is known as Exposure Therapy.... In a nutshell it is facing that which we fear until we no longer fear it*

 

I've had good results with it, myself included when it comes to spiders... I'm still not 100%. It's a work in progress...also depends on how big the spider is lol

 

But I'm better than I was.. :)

 

Anyway, my point being is that if you can start to flip it in your mind, and then go there when needed, I think you will find that very soon you won't really give a damn...

 

If you shy away from it and try to hide away from it, it will probably haunt you for longer... Does that make sense?

 

Some other examples are: After a few of my traumatizing breakups there were obviously places that were difficult to go to and music that was impossible to listen to...

 

But over time and by slowly revisiting those things I'm happy to say I've reclaimed pretty much all of them...*

 

Lastly, my eldest stepson contacted me 2 days ago asking if I'd go to the cinema with him (bless him*).....

 

This will probably involve me having to pick him up from my exwifes house....

 

I understand the 'trigger' and I don't necessarily want to see her, but if I have to I'm gonna make sure I'm looking damn good when I do....and a quick 'Hi - Bye' will suffice methinks :)

 

So you can do it Goddess* - Claim your screen name coz you are!

 

Start with visualizing it in your head. Picture yourself there and then if he turns up just finish up doing what you need to do and then 'Yep. Seeya..' :)

 

Hope this helps*

 

And by the way this was no way a ridiculous thread to start... I still miss and think about my ex almost 18 months later....

 

Now THAT'S ridiculous ;-)

 

Carus*

[goddess]

Yes, wait until you are ready. The place must seem "haunted" to you, so avoid it for now. In time you'll feel more indifferent and at that time you can be with your kids, in that house, at events etc without getting the heebie-jeebies.

 

You're right, Wiseman2. When more time passes, it won't bother me. I just feel too raw right now. xx

[goddess]

goddess, for heaven's sake. The world won't come crashing down on you if you were to accidentally bump into your ex husband, which is highly unlikely anyway.

 

You and he share a son, and you're doing a favor for your son. You're not invading the ex's space because you're nosy.

 

Of course the world won't come crashing down. Don't be so harsh, please. Did you read Katrina's post? That's why I asked for advice on here. The demise of a 29 year marriage takes a while to digest, and just being in his house and feeling his "energy" would re-open some of my wounds. Get it? I just need more time, that's all.

[goddess]

Probably gonna throw a spanner here but in my years of counseling one of my most favoured forms of therapy is what is known as Exposure Therapy.... In a nutshell it is facing that which we fear until we no longer fear it*

 

I've had good results with it, myself included when it comes to spiders... I'm still not 100%. It's a work in progress...also depends on how big the spider is lol

 

But I'm better than I was.. :)

 

Anyway, my point being is that if you can start to flip it in your mind, and then go there when needed, I think you will find that very soon you won't really give a damn...

 

If you shy away from it and try to hide away from it, it will probably haunt you for longer... Does that make sense?

 

Some other examples are: After a few of my traumatizing breakups there were obviously places that were difficult to go to and music that was impossible to listen to...

 

But over time and by slowly revisiting those things I'm happy to say I've reclaimed pretty much all of them...*

 

Lastly, my eldest stepson contacted me 2 days ago asking if I'd go to the cinema with him (bless him*).....

 

This will probably involve me having to pick him up from my exwifes house....

 

I understand the 'trigger' and I don't necessarily want to see her, but if I have to I'm gonna make sure I'm looking damn good when I do....and a quick 'Hi - Bye' will suffice methinks :)

 

So you can do it Goddess* - Claim your screen name coz you are!

 

Start with visualizing it in your head. Picture yourself there and then if he turns up just finish up doing what you need to do and then 'Yep. Seeya..' :)

 

Hope this helps*

 

And by the way this was no way a ridiculous thread to start... I still miss and think about my ex almost 18 months later....

 

Now THAT'S ridiculous ;-)

 

Carus*

 

No, that's not ridiculous. It's being human. I realise now that I need to let a bit more time pass before I can handle going to his house and feeling his "energy". Thank you.

[Seraphim]

I would just tell your son that. He is an adult HE needs to “ get it.” If he can live on his own he can understand mom doesn’t want anything to do with dad.

[abitbroken]

This was not your marital home --- its a new place your ex bought a few months ago, basically, when you think about it. if it were your marital home i would understand not wanting to go..

[reinventmyself]

I get why this concerns you, but it is a `what if' moment.

Deal with it when and if the time comes.

Say next week, the boy asks for the favor and in that moment you are certain there are no risks. Then do it.

Between now and then, don't worry about it.

[Rose Mosse]

Cut the cord, honey. This isn't about your ex-husband. Your son needs to know how to be responsible for his pets and find appropriate sitters without calling on mum all the time. I understand things are raw with the separation/divorce. It's your relationship with your son that concerns me more because it seems more like you over-extend yourself and your son isn't learning much in the way of independence.

[goddess]

Cut the cord, honey. This isn't about your ex-husband. Your son needs to know how to be responsible for his pets and find appropriate sitters without calling on mum all the time. I understand things are raw with the separation/divorce. It's your relationship with your son that concerns me more because it seems more like you over-extend yourself and your son isn't learning much in the way of independence.

 

With all due respect, my son knows how to be responsible, probably more than most. And, he does not call me all the time. If you read my original post, I stated that he's called me 2 times, perhaps 3, in a year. Are you so independent that you never need anyone's assistance??? Come one, let's be realistic. I did him 2 favours in a year. That's not a lot, IMHO.

[goddess]

I would just tell your son that. He is an adult HE needs to “ get it.” If he can live on his own he can understand mom doesn’t want anything to do with dad.

 

He does get it but, sometimes, people need a favour. I did that for him twice in a year. I don't think that makes him irresponsible. Things happen in life that one is unable to control. Plain and simple.

[goddess]

I get why this concerns you, but it is a `what if' moment.

Deal with it when and if the time comes.

Say next week, the boy asks for the favor and in that moment you are certain there are no risks. Then do it.

Between now and then, don't worry about it.

 

You're right. I tend to worry about things that might happen in the future and I'd like to be prepared and think things through before I do something that I'll regret.

[Rose Mosse]

With all due respect, my son knows how to be responsible, probably more than most. And, he does not call me all the time. If you read my original post, I stated that he's called me 2 times, perhaps 3, in a year. Are you so independent that you never need anyone's assistance??? Come one, let's be realistic. I did him 2 favours in a year. That's not a lot, IMHO.

 

You're going to give yourself a heart attack at this rate. The worries are disproportionate and I'm not sure where they're coming from as they don't sound like just worry. Are you upset about the house in general or anything associated with the house? Ie. bring back memories or anxiety? Try and re-focus: your own goals, own life and work and other things going on with you and work through that anxiety.

[goddess]

You're going to give yourself a heart attack at this rate. The worries are disproportionate and I'm not sure where they're coming from as they don't sound like just worry. Are you upset about the house in general or anything associated with the house? Ie. bring back memories or anxiety? Try and re-focus: your own goals, own life and work and other things going on with you and work through that anxiety.

 

Yes, I know. I need to stop worrying so much about "what if's". It's just that if I go to the house, I know it will just re-kindle memories, good and bad. I still feel so hurt, rejected and humiliated for being kicked to the curb. As one poster said, the house is filled with his "energy" and I don't want to think about him, if at all possible. I need to move forward and re-focus; you're right. For all I know, my son will never call me to feed his cats so the worry/anxiety that I'm experiencing is counter-productive and downright ridiculous. I realise that it's going to take a long time for me to heal. I'm doing the best I can. Thanks for your input.

[reinventmyself]

I remember all that you went through and it had to have been a little traumatizing. No doubt returning to the house would be difficult.

There is something to be said about facing your fears though. Going there may tame that beast and it will likely lose the hold it has on you.

At the same time, there really might be no benefit by doing this. Save your energy for taming other fears, if any.

[saluk]

With all due respect, my son knows how to be responsible, probably more than most. And, he does not call me all the time. If you read my original post, I stated that he's called me 2 times, perhaps 3, in a year. Are you so independent that you never need anyone's assistance??? Come one, let's be realistic. I did him 2 favours in a year. That's not a lot, IMHO.

 

If this is just something that might happen at some random point in the future, you really don't need to be working so hard to plan out what you would do in a hypothetical situation. It's less likely that your son is going to want you to do something like put out some food for his cats when he's not living with you. You can figure out how you feel if he ever calls you for something. Because you may feel differently in that moment than you do now. Stop planning for horrible or scary things that might happen, and focus on getting better now. One step at a time. You can get through this. Good luck, we're all rooting for you!

[goddess]

If this is just something that might happen at some random point in the future, you really don't need to be working so hard to plan out what you would do in a hypothetical situation. It's less likely that your son is going to want you to do something like put out some food for his cats when he's not living with you. You can figure out how you feel if he ever calls you for something. Because you may feel differently in that moment than you do now. Stop planning for horrible or scary things that might happen, and focus on getting better now. One step at a time. You can get through this. Good luck, we're all rooting for you!

 

Please know that my son does not live with me. He has his own apartment; I have mine. They're both in the same complex. I feel a little silly right now. You're right about not worrying about it now. Guess I'm a bit jumpy these days. Thank you for your encouragement.

[goddess]

I remember all that you went through and it had to have been a little traumatizing. No doubt returning to the house would be difficult.

There is something to be said about facing your fears though. Going there may tame that beast and it will likely lose the hold it has on you.

At the same time, there really might be no benefit by doing this. Save your energy for taming other fears, if any.

 

Yes, it was extremely difficult but I'm so much better now. I'm not ready to go to his new house when my son lives there because it would evoke some bad and good memories. If I see something that reminds me of him nowadays, I still get teary eyed. I'm just not ready to face something like that for now.

[saluk]

Please know that my son does not live with me. He has his own apartment; I have mine. They're both in the same complex. I feel a little silly right now. You're right about not worrying about it now. Guess I'm a bit jumpy these days. Thank you for your encouragement.

 

Ah right, I lost that detail. Kind of the same point though - It was pretty convenient for you to help is all. It will be less so.

 

It's OK to feel silly sometimes. You have my permission :) You've been through a lot.

[Rose Mosse]

Yes, I know. I need to stop worrying so much about "what if's". It's just that if I go to the house, I know it will just re-kindle memories, good and bad. I still feel so hurt, rejected and humiliated for being kicked to the curb. As one poster said, the house is filled with his "energy" and I don't want to think about him, if at all possible. I need to move forward and re-focus; you're right. For all I know, my son will never call me to feed his cats so the worry/anxiety that I'm experiencing is counter-productive and downright ridiculous. I realise that it's going to take a long time for me to heal. I'm doing the best I can. Thanks for your input.

 

I'm very sorry for all this. I hope you feel better soon.. I know it won't be in a day or any time quick. I think it's a process we have to go through. Just know that you're not alone and you don't have to feel like posting anything like this is stupid or anything. I'm sorry if I misunderstood earlier too.

[SarahLancaster]

Just tell your son that you don't feel comfortable going to his father's house. I'm sure he'll understand.

[goddess]

I'm very sorry for all this. I hope you feel better soon.. I know it won't be in a day or any time quick. I think it's a process we have to go through. Just know that you're not alone and you don't have to feel like posting anything like this is stupid or anything. I'm sorry if I misunderstood earlier too.

 

Thank you, Rose. I appreciate it. xx

[goddess]

Just tell your son that you don't feel comfortable going to his father's house. I'm sure he'll understand.

 

I will. I know he'll understand. When he told me he was moving to his father's new house (he'll live there alone), I just panicked. My mind started racing and I focused on the "what if's". I feel calmer now. Thanks, Sarah. xx

[katrina1980]

goddess, I have an idea. Instead of stressing about it, why not just accept that you're just not comfortable going there, whether it's the energy in the house (his) or something else, it doesn't matter.

 

And make the decision to not go? Simply tell your son "I'm sorry sweetie (if you call him that), I just wouldn't be comfortable going over there, it would stir too many memories, I'm sorry."

 

I'm sure he would understand goddess, and he could make other arrangements. The leaving the kibble out sounds good to me!

 

And even if he didn't quite understand all the way, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.

 

There is no need for you to justify your feelings goddess, to yourself or anyone else -- these are your feelings, to which you're entitled.

 

Continue your healing and with time, I have no doubt you'll feel differently later and you can visit without the discomfort you would feel now.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!