Go to his house or not?

[abitbroken]

And make the decision to not go? Simply tell your son "I'm sorry sweetie (if you call him that), I just wouldn't be comfortable going over there, it would stir too many memories, I'm sorry."

 

I

 

If this was not her marital home - her ex just bought it a few months ago - wouldn't she not have any memories of the place except the memories she creates of it being her son's place because the son rents it?

[katrina1980]

If this was not her marital home - her ex just bought it a few months ago - wouldn't she not have any memories of the place except the memories she creates of it being her son's place because the son rents it?

 

Goddess explained. The fact it's "his home" would stir memories, not memories of them spending time there together, but simply memories of him in general.

 

Anyway, these are her feelings, whether or not they make sense to anyone else is irrelevant.

 

Feelings are never right or wrong, they just "are."

 

They're our own, we are entitled to them and should not have to explain or justify to anyone.

 

That said, I do happen to understand how she feels, as I am familiar with how our energy is all around us, and how it can affect us.

 

His energy is in that house, even if hers isn't, and as such going over there is stressing her out. She has explained all this in prior posts.

 

Anyway, I know a lot of folks don't believe in energy or think it's some new age bullshyt and that's fine.

 

Goddess does believe, as do I, so her discomfort makes sense to me even if it doesn't to anyone else.

[itsallgrand]

It's totally ok to not want to go to that house. The fact it stresses you out even thinking of the possibility of it, well, best to respect that is where you are at right now and give yourself permission to say no if it ever comes to being asked.

I understand too you may want space from any place that your ex has lived in. It's alright, it's ok to focus on what is best for you.

[IAmFCA]

Finally decided to share this:

 

I have never been and will never go to my exHs house. No reason not to - he is an affable and caring person. I need a boundary and that's where I draw it. The end.

 

We co parent; he has to drive both ways. I will. not. go.

 

Been like this now some 10 years.

[catfeeder]

My question is this: if he calls me because he needs for me to feed his cats, should I go to the house? What is the appropriate thing to do?

 

I'd raise this with son in advance. Ask him to either obtain texted permission from his father for me to have a key for access to look after pets or plants in the same manner that I do today--and to forward me that text when he gives me the new keys, OR, he'll need to come up with another backup person to tend to these things when he's away, and give that person the keys instead.

 

Son is an adult and capable of making these kinds of arrangements on his own. It's not your problem, but raising it in advance will steer son in the right direction toward resolving this.

[abitbroken]

I'd raise this with son in advance. Ask him to either obtain texted permission from his father for me to have a key for access to look after pets or plants in the same manner that I do today--and to forward me that text when he gives me the new keys, OR, he'll need to come up with another backup person to tend to these things when he's away, and give that person the keys instead.

 

Son is an adult and capable of making these kinds of arrangements on his own. It's not your problem, but raising it in advance will steer son in the right direction toward resolving this.

 

If the son is renting the house, its not up to the father who comes over. Dad moved out. I think its excessive to "ask permission".

[goddess]

goddess, I have an idea. Instead of stressing about it, why not just accept that you're just not comfortable going there, whether it's the energy in the house (his) or something else, it doesn't matter.

 

And make the decision to not go? Simply tell your son "I'm sorry sweetie (if you call him that), I just wouldn't be comfortable going over there, it would stir too many memories, I'm sorry."

 

I'm sure he would understand goddess, and he could make other arrangements. The leaving the kibble out sounds good to me!

 

And even if he didn't quite understand all the way, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.

 

There is no need for you to justify your feelings goddess, to yourself or anyone else -- these are your feelings, to which you're entitled.

 

Continue your healing and with time, I have no doubt you'll feel differently later and you can visit without the discomfort you would feel now.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!

 

That's exactly what I'm going to do. It's easy enough for my son to put enough kibble out for the day. I, too, am sure that with the passage of time I will be able to got, if I want/need to. How silly of me to stress so much when, in reality, the solution is simple. Don't know how I didn't see it before. Thank you for understanding about the "energy"! xx

[goddess]

If the son is renting the house, its not up to the father who comes over. Dad moved out. I think its excessive to "ask permission".

 

Yes, my son is renting the house but it's still his father's house. And, I'm the ex-wife, so it's a little weird. Anyway, I decided to not go over (even if needed, unless it's a true emergency) at this point in time. Less stressful for me and I can tell you I've had plenty of stress thus far. My son just has to change his routine and put enough kibble out for the day.

[goddess]

I'd raise this with son in advance. Ask him to either obtain texted permission from his father for me to have a key for access to look after pets or plants in the same manner that I do today--and to forward me that text when he gives me the new keys, OR, he'll need to come up with another backup person to tend to these things when he's away, and give that person the keys instead.

 

Son is an adult and capable of making these kinds of arrangements on his own. It's not your problem, but raising it in advance will steer son in the right direction toward resolving this.

 

I will definitely tell my son to put enough kibble out for the day. That way, all bases are covered. Thank you, catfeeder, for your feedback.

[goddess]

Finally decided to share this:

 

I have never been and will never go to my exHs house. No reason not to - he is an affable and caring person. I need a boundary and that's where I draw it. The end.

 

We co parent; he has to drive both ways. I will. not. go.

 

Been like this now some 10 years.

 

Sounds good to me.

[goddess]

It's totally ok to not want to go to that house. The fact it stresses you out even thinking of the possibility of it, well, best to respect that is where you are at right now and give yourself permission to say no if it ever comes to being asked.

I understand too you may want space from any place that your ex has lived in. It's alright, it's ok to focus on what is best for you.

 

Thank you! I'm thinking more clearly now. I definitely want space from wherever the ex has lived in. I'm trying really hard to not think about him.

[Carus]

I'm trying really hard to not think about him.

Sorry for the residual turmoil you still have Goddess... It takes as long as it takes*

 

However in trying hard to NOT think about something we sometimes end up like a fly in a spiders web... you know, the more you struggle the more tangled up you get*

 

Just know that it's ok. Of course you'll still think about him...and that is your brain processing stuff....

 

And you want to process it properly. By trying not to you run the risk of it springing out of the box somewhere down the line when something triggers it....

 

Just keep doing what you're doing and taking care of the day to day and time will work it's magic*

 

Sending You Strength

 

Carus*

[IAmFCA]

Sounds good to me.

 

It is! I remain grateful that I've maintained that boundary all this time. No need to make yourself go sometime later. Just don't go, ever. Your son will move eventually. This will be a non-issue.

[goddess]

It is! I remain grateful that I've maintained that boundary all this time. No need to make yourself go sometime later. Just don't go, ever. Your son will move eventually. This will be a non-issue.

 

Thank you! You are right. I feel better now. xx

[goddess]

Sorry for the residual turmoil you still have Goddess... It takes as long as it takes*

 

However in trying hard to NOT think about something we sometimes end up like a fly in a spiders web... you know, the more you struggle the more tangled up you get*

 

Just know that it's ok. Of course you'll still think about him...and that is your brain processing stuff....

 

And you want to process it properly. By trying not to you run the risk of it springing out of the box somewhere down the line when something triggers it....

 

Just keep doing what you're doing and taking care of the day to day and time will work it's magic*

 

Sending You Strength

 

Carus*

 

How kind and supportive you are. Thank you, Carus! xx