Husband said him or the dogs

[Kris2019]

I would be awfully concerned that he is up to his old tricks again, OP.

 

It seems to me that he is trying to keep you away from him, from moving the family to where he is now, and he knows the trump card is the dogs. He is painting you into a corner and giving you an impossible ultimatum he know he can "win."

 

I think you need to have a very honest come-to-Jesus talk with him, without bringing up the dogs. The dogs are a distraction from the real problem. From how I read it, he is looking for a way out of your marriage and it has little to do with the canines.

 

Thank you and I will do that when he comes home this weekend! Face to face so I can read him

[Rose Mosse]

There are so many issues in this relationship, I am so sorry. I don't think your problems are the animals/pets. It's the breakdown in trust and emotional support you both are not getting from each other (possibly for years). There's a total disconnect. It's clear now why he won't support you or your love of your pets. He doesn't sound fulfilled in this relationship (does not seem at all happy with you) and you have turned to your pets for solace during rough periods when he's cheated on you or been unfaithful. This is all wrong.

 

The relationship is upside down and backwards front. Both of you have different priorities and I don't think it's about taking sides on who is right or wrong or bad or good. You're just not fulfilling each others' needs (haven't for a long while!) and you both have completely different priorities (not compatible!).

 

Be kind to each other and let each other go. He may have come at you antagonistically or with hostility about threatening divorce like you say or he might be just completely fed up with the broken relationship and total disconnect. I think you've both found solace in other areas and have grown apart. Let each other go and be respectful of each other.

[Seraphim]

You said kids you “ got custody of”. Are they your kids or his?

[Tinydance]

Well the other reason he gave for wanting to get rid of the dogs is that people at his job are rich and would look down on you having a country lifestyle. I mean, what??!! So he cares way more about what some new colleagues (presumably) think of him then your pet's lives? AND he has cheated on you and keeps making you move for him! I think he sounds like an extremely selfish person who not only doesn't care about the dogs, but doesn't care about you either.

[WithLove]

Any time someone says "It's me or xxx!" … that means it's already gone too far.

 

For me, given all the other issues in this marriage... I'd say adios to him and get ready for lots of snuggles with your puppers!

[Kris2019]

You said kids you “ got custody of”. Are they your kids or his?

 

It’s my godchildren we took in. We weren’t able to have kids and they came from a pretty nasty situation. Mom passed away and dads a drug addict!

[Kris2019]

Well the other reason he gave for wanting to get rid of the dogs is that people at his job are rich and would look down on you having a country lifestyle. I mean, what??!! So he cares way more about what some new colleagues (presumably) think of him then your pet's lives? AND he has cheated on you and keeps making you move for him! I think he sounds like an extremely selfish person who not only doesn't care about the dogs, but doesn't care about you either.

 

I think a lot of it is status and image in the office! And he knows how messed up it is bc he doesn’t want to ask anyone of our friends or family for opinions. It’s just his way or the highway and I appreciate everyone’s input I really just wanted an outsiders opinion. He’s changed once he took the job and left the state for the job

[Seraphim]

Ok. Thank goodness for people like you who rescue innocent children .

 

Personally, I think your husband is being very selfish. It is like he only alters his life for when it’s good for him and when it’s no longer convenient he wants to throw it away . I would tell him to hit the road .

It’s my godchildren we took in. We weren’t able to have kids and they came from a pretty nasty situation. Mom passed away and dads a drug addict!

[DancingFool]

You know, OP, my first thought reading your post was that this isn't about the dogs and that your hubby is cheating on you and wants a divorce, except he was you to be the bad guy, so he is forcing your hand by being deliberately cruel toward the animals. Unfortunately, seems that I'm spot on and he has cheated on you in the past and is probably doing it again....except this time....he actively wants you gone.

 

OP, stop the "I love so deeply" bs. You love a disordered cheater. Your marriage is a mess and a sham really. You have no voice and no power in it and now, this disordered freak is seeking to discard you with the biggest and worst mind fck he can possibly pull on you - get rid off and/or put down the dogs or else he will divorce you. Guess, what OP? If you get rid of the dogs, he'll find something else to abuse you over and continue to push you toward divorce until you either do it or lose your sanity completely in the process.

 

This is where you put your foot down OP and call it a day. Get the most high powered pit bull divorce lawyer you can find and serve him. NO, you do not want to cling on to this mess and live with the guilt of your animals' lives over your head only to end up with nothing when he finally screws you over completely and still discards you. Sorry, but the writing is on the wall here. Please go to chumplady.com forums - you'll find a lot of info and support for dealing and getting rid of a cheater and a cold abusive psycho at that. Yes, he is abusive. Emotional abuse is abuse, OP. Cheating is a form of abuse. Threatening divorce, his way or the highway is abuse. OP, please stop appeasing this monster and twisting yourself into a pretzel. Enough is enough. Take a stand and start taking care of yourself and those who depend on you. Stop being so codependent.

[abitbroken]

Yes, 6 is a lot, but if you live on a farm, its not crazy.

No, do not agree to keep your dogs outside only if you move. That's cruel. They could be picked off by coyotes, stolen, or starved for attention.

I would recommed that if he is threatening to put "his" dogs down that you find a friend who is willing to take the dog temporarily to protect him/her.

You may find out that he is all bluster and when you stand firm, he doesn't divorce you.

Can you afford the place on your own if he leaves you? Could you take on more training clients and start grooming again?

Are the kids old enough to help?

 

Do you have custody only/guardianship or are they adopted by you. If you only have guardianship, you may not be able to move the kids out of state...

 

I have a friend who filled her life with pets because of a crappy relationship and the relationship has gotten to a breaking point and she cannot leave (or he know she cannot leave so he keeps the BS up because its not a threat) because she has so many. She had 11 pets at one time. She is down to 8 at this point because one died of cancer and the others died of old age (she had a couple of them for 15 years). If they split, there are 2 that the SO would take but she still doesn't have a number where she could move out. Obviously, if you have a lot of money it oesn't matter - you can afford a place where you can have them - but she is in a situation where she would only be able to afford a basic apartment even if that because he controls the money. So she needs to let time play out - as 2 other dogs are over 13, make more money or give some up. Part of the emergency plan would be i would take ONE.

 

That might be you also, but at least you have a training business. Still, i would think in my head about an emergency plan - can you easily find a home for one or two if you wre forced out?

[SherrySher]

You know, OP, my first thought reading your post was that this isn't about the dogs and that your hubby is cheating on you and wants a divorce, except he was you to be the bad guy, so he is forcing your hand by being deliberately cruel toward the animals. Unfortunately, seems that I'm spot on and he has cheated on you in the past and is probably doing it again....except this time....he actively wants you gone.

 

Yes, now after hearing more information I think this is exactly the case. However, 6 dogs is over the top and you shouldn't force that on anyone.

 

But I do think what's going on here is more along the lines of him having a girlfriend and trying to find a way to get rid of you without it being his fault.

[DancingFool]

Yes, now after hearing more information I think this is exactly the case. However, 6 dogs is over the top and you shouldn't force that on anyone.

 

But I do think what's going on here is more along the lines of him having a girlfriend and trying to find a way to get rid of you without it being his fault.

 

You know what? She is a DOG TRAINER and he married her knowing that and knowing the number of animals that will be circulating in their lives. Not like she is hoarding pets. This is something that comes with the territory. Heck, the trainer I train my dogs with has a full kennel and always new pups in training. Him and his wife not only train for clients, but also breed and compete. They win national championships as do their clients. Many of their clients that really go all out on the competitive circuit have 4-6 dogs on average. It's something that comes with the territory and NOT something that she just took up one day long after they got married. He knew this going in and NOW he is using this against her in the worst and most cruel, abusive way possible.

 

It's high time for OP to face reality. Forgiving cheating won't make your marriage better or stronger. You'll just get cheated on again, because you already accept that behavior once....or twice....or who knows how many times. Stop making excuses for him. Eventually, cheaters are liable to trade it for a newer, better model, especially narcissistic types who care about their image and competing with the Joneses. This is literally a situation where you either wake up and get to him and get yourself a good divorce settlement or he'll get to you first and you'll end up in the ditch.

 

You wouldn't tolerate a dog biting you in the rear, yet you tolerate your husband abusing you. What gives?

[tattoobunnie]

Animals are your livelyhood and passion. Telling you he's putting a good dog down and telling you to just get rid of yours????? Furbabies are your family too. And he's gonna leave his kids unless you get rid of your dogs? What's next? If you don't drop 20 lbs, he's gonna break up with you? Or if you don't keep your hair long? Or lose that friend?

 

I bought a new car just so my dog had a place to sit when we traveled. I take allergy meds every day, so my hubs can have cats.

 

This ultimatum is based on something else - not the dogs.

[lostandhurt]

So reading this at first I thought there are parts we are not hearing and then they came out.

 

First off having 6 dogs inside a house is way to many. I don't care if you are a trainer. BUT the number of dogs has nothing to do with your situation and you need to see that.

 

Your husband is done being married to you. If you got rid of everything and moved again for him something else would come up and you would still find yourself divorced.

 

I think it is time you stopped making excused for him and your own culpability in this and see it for what it is. Loving deeply is not an excuse for cheating or allow someone to cheat on you. It is time to end this, stay on the ranch and make him pay alimony.

 

Lost

[Gary Snyder]

Oh boy, this is a tough one. You used to be / still are in the dog/pet business and it's NORMAL for you to have a lot of animals - he knew what he was getting into when he got involved with you, so he has no right to complain now. Besides, pets are like family members.

 

And he sounds controlling - how is he in other areas of your life?

[Batya33]

So reading this at first I thought there are parts we are not hearing and then they came out.

 

First off having 6 dogs inside a house is way to many. I don't care if you are a trainer. BUT the number of dogs has nothing to do with your situation and you need to see that.

 

Your husband is done being married to you. If you got rid of everything and moved again for him something else would come up and you would still find yourself divorced.

 

I think it is time you stopped making excused for him and your own culpability in this and see it for what it is. Loving deeply is not an excuse for cheating or allow someone to cheat on you. It is time to end this, stay on the ranch and make him pay alimony.

 

Lost

 

Yes, I think so too.

 

I am not now a pet owner (never owned a dog) but had a question -is there a compromise arrangement here where you rent a space to keep your dogs and hire someone to look after them when you can't be at the space? Not rehoming, something where you still own your dogs but they are not in your physical space.

[Seraphim]

Yes, I think so too.

 

I am not now a pet owner (never owned a dog) but had a question -is there a compromise arrangement here where you rent a space to keep your dogs and hire someone to look after them when you can't be at the space? Not rehoming, something where you still own your dogs but they are not in your physical space.

That is the exact same thing as rehoming . Animals form bonds with specific people not just any people. And they become deeply depressed when not with you .

[Batya33]

That is the exact same thing as rehoming . Animals form bonds with specific people not just any people. And they become deeply depressed when not with you .

 

No, I did not mean rehoming and I know there are other arrangements my friends have made where a family pet goes to live with other family because of issues with a new baby or allergies, etc and the original owner visits.

[Seraphim]

Visiting IS rehoming. When a pet no longer lives with you they are no longer your pet and rehomed.

No, I did not mean rehoming and I know there are other arrangements my friends have made where a family pet goes to live with other family because of issues with a new baby or allergies, etc and the original owner visits.

[Batya33]

Visiting IS rehoming. When a pet no longer lives with you they are no longer your pet and rehomed.

Yes, I'm not focusing on labels -you are free too of course. I am focusing on helping the OP and whether there is an alternative arrangement where she is and in her situation. Whether it's called rehoming or not - that discussion doesn't help the OP (and my suggestion might not but I daresay moreso than focusing on technical definitions).

[DancingFool]

The dogs, the number of dogs - it's all a red herring.

 

He KNEW what he was getting into marrying her AND he contributed himself to adding new dogs to the mix, along with ranch and horses. Now, that he most probably found another source of his narcisistic supply, aka new side chic, he is serious about getting rid of the OP. As is typical with these types of creeps, he is going above board image managing - putting her in the position of the "bad guy" who files for divorce rather than doing the decent thing and divorcing her instead so he can be free to sleep around and do whatever. Too bad it doesn't work like that in his mind. He has to bring her down and has put her in an impossible position knowingly, intentionally and deliberately.

 

He isn't a fool and knows good and well the bond she has with animals. He knows what he is doing is abuse. If she gets rid of the dogs, it will eat her alive emotionally. If she gets rid of the cheating abuser husband, many will think she is nuts. What she doesn't realize is how many people will back her decision and think it's long past due. I'm also willing to bet that with all the moving around, her support system and friend network is nonexistent.

[Seraphim]

Yes, I'm not focusing on labels -you are free too of course. I am focusing on helping the OP and whether there is an alternative arrangement where she is and in her situation. Whether it's called rehoming or not - that discussion doesn't help the OP (and my suggestion might not but I daresay moreso than focusing on technical definitions).

Why should she want to be with a person who uses animals and kids against her?

[thornz]

6 dogs is over the top and you shouldn't force that on anyone.

 

One dog was his, he gifted her the chihuahua 3 years ago. If he truly didnt want any (more) dogs why did he get 2 dogs? Nobody forced him to buy his wife a dog. Nobody forced him to rescue another dog. Nobody forced him to marry a woman whose passion and livelihood was dogs.

 

He said he would be ok with putting his dog down so he didnt have to deal with it anymore. Dont you find that attitide at least a little unsettling? I don’t think I would sleep very well in bed next to someone who could be so callous, I will readily admit I don’t particularly care for animals but that is just cold. The idea of 6 dogs I find horrendous. The idea of being married to someone who would kill a family pet because they can no longer be bothered I find scary.

 

OP what if he gets bored of you and the kids after you get rid of the dogs? It sounds like he has somewhat isolated you, moved you away from your social network and regular customers, prevents you from voicing your concerns with others. Call me dramatic but I think you might end up under the patio if you stay with this guy.

[abitbroken]

The dogs, the number of dogs - it's all a red herring.

 

He KNEW what he was getting into marrying her AND he contributed himself to adding new dogs to the mix, along with ranch and horses. Now, that he most probably found another source of his narcisistic supply, aka new side chic, he is serious about getting rid of the OP. As is typical with these types of creeps, he is going above board image managing - putting her in the position of the "bad guy" who files for divorce rather than doing the decent thing and divorcing her instead so he can be free to sleep around and do whatever. Too bad it doesn't work like that in his mind. He has to bring her down and has put her in an impossible position knowingly, intentionally and deliberately.

 

He isn't a fool and knows good and well the bond she has with animals. He knows what he is doing is abuse. If she gets rid of the dogs, it will eat her alive emotionally. If she gets rid of the cheating abuser husband, many will think she is nuts. What she doesn't realize is how many people will back her decision and think it's long past due. I'm also willing to bet that with all the moving around, her support system and friend network is nonexistent.

 

I agree. its not about the dogs.

If he had a chance at a job opportunity and they had both agreed that they were in a good place in life -- finally stability for the children in their care, had a place where she could pursue her career as a dog trainer, etc, he would have not let the job get past the discussion phase at work - he would have simply turned it down/not pursued it without even discussing it with her, or they would have been discussing as a couple that they are open to a cross country move.

 

I did not have my question answered yet but my GUESS is if they have not formally adopted the kids and simply have custody/legal guardianship, they can't just pick up and leave with the kids. It has to be approved for them to relocate so far away.

 

I am wondering now reading other responses if he simply wants to leave her so is asking her something impossible or not in the best interest for all involved.

 

I am wondering if telling the husband to go ahead and for him to go to see if he even likes the job and don't follow him. Let him commute back and forth. But i am guessing that he is just being a D.

[thornz]

Yes, I think so too.

 

I am not now a pet owner (never owned a dog) but had a question -is there a compromise arrangement here where you rent a space to keep your dogs and hire someone to look after them when you can't be at the space? Not rehoming, something where you still own your dogs but they are not in your physical space.

 

If we overlook the fact that doing this would be an outrageous oppression of the OP’s needs, since it seems she has a great deal tied up in the dogs (career, hobby, attachment etc), it wouldn’t work since its not about the dogs. I mean who gifts something only to demand they later get rid of it? If the husband developed a severe allergy this solution might be practical and acceptable.

 

I’m sure you can appreciate, as a woman who highly values a career, that if your husband turned round one day after knowing your personality, lifestyle and career choices, with an ultimatum to give it all up or lose him, he will leave you and your child(ren), that your career and lifestyle is not the problem? When such a large part of you is focussed around dogs, rejecting the dogs is rejecting you. Its not like OP started hoarding dogs after they got married, this is who she was, and what she did, presumably before they even met.

 

He married her knowing who she was, he’s decided he doesn’t like it, (cowardly blaming his work colleagues) and has told her if she doesn’t change he will leave her and their children. At least that’s my interpretation. He’s not worth any compromise, it sounds like the OP already compromised a fair and reasonable amount on top of putting up with his promiscuity.