Husband said him or the dogs

[abitbroken]

Yes, I think so too.

 

I am not now a pet owner (never owned a dog) but had a question -is there a compromise arrangement here where you rent a space to keep your dogs and hire someone to look after them when you can't be at the space? Not rehoming, something where you still own your dogs but they are not in your physical space.

 

Sorry, you can board horses, but you cannot permanently expect someone to take care of your dogs on a permanent basis. If the situation was temporary (they had to leave for 2-3 weeks to take a child to St. Jude's hospital), etc, but no one uses this arrangement for allergies. The pet gets a new family. you don't see the pet again.

[Batya33]

Why should she want to be with a person who uses animals and kids against her?

 

I am not sure at all she should stay with him because of the cheating. And if she can get over that and all else equal I was inquiring about whether there is a compromise. That is all. You took what I said in a different, label-focused direction. You're entitled, I'm not interested in that particular direction.

[Batya33]

Sorry, you can board horses, but you cannot permanently expect someone to take care of your dogs on a permanent basis. If the situation was temporary (they had to leave for 2-3 weeks to take a child to St. Jude's hospital), etc, but no one uses this arrangement for allergies. The pet gets a new family. you don't see the pet again.

 

I didn't mean that type of arrangement. Thanks for sharing!

[Batya33]

If we overlook the fact that doing this would be an outrageous oppression of the OP’s needs, since it seems she has a great deal tied up in the dogs (career, hobby, attachment etc), it wouldn’t work since its not about the dogs. I mean who gifts something only to demand they later get rid of it? If the husband developed a severe allergy this solution might be practical and acceptable.

 

I’m sure you can appreciate, as a woman who highly values a career, that if your husband turned round one day after knowing your personality, lifestyle and career choices, with an ultimatum to give it all up or lose him, he will leave you and your child(ren), that your career and lifestyle is not the problem? When such a large part of you is focussed around dogs, rejecting the dogs is rejecting you. Its not like OP started hoarding dogs after they got married, this is who she was, and what she did, presumably before they even met.

 

He married her knowing who she was, he’s decided he doesn’t like it, (cowardly blaming his work colleagues) and has told her if she doesn’t change he will leave her and their children. At least that’s my interpretation. He’s not worth any compromise, it sounds like the OP already compromised a fair and reasonable amount on top of putting up with his promiscuity.

 

Yes I agree. And based on the other responses it seemed to me that part of her reason for owning all of these pets was for her enjoyment and not just her business. Hence why I inquired about a compromise, only if the other issues could be resolved. The other issues would be dealbreakers for me.

 

My husband and I would never advocate that the other give up his/her career but there are middle grounds. Earlier this year we were discussing a move for his job to a place where it was highly unlikely I could continue in my line of work or if so not for a long time. That wasn't ok with me but also wasn't a total dealbreaker -so we approached it by looking into compromises like a temporary commuter marriage, etc. As it turned out he turned down the job offer for other reasons but yes we have both faced those types of decisions. No, he would never demand I entirely give up my career and he might see if I'd be willing to in exchange for something that would benefit our family - no harm in asking and discussing. But the other difference is that I knew when we got back together in the mid-2000s that relocation -on my part -might happen more than once and I'd have to be open to it. So there are shades of gray. And shades of gray is how I approached the OP's situation.

[DancingFool]

With two normal people, the compromise would be simple - as the dogs age and pass away, agree not to get more and limit total dogs to 1-3, whatever is strictly needed for her business. However, we are not dealing with a normal individual here. This man is willing to kill an animal simply because it's no longer convenient for him to have him. That level of cold callousness and complete disregard for life is one of those big pathological red flags. Unfortunately, I suspect that OP isn't ready to face the fact that she married a monster. She is still busy turning herself into a pretzel sacrificing her own soul just to please him and still ready to defend him.

[Batya33]

With two normal people, the compromise would be simple - as the dogs age and pass away, agree not to get more and limit total dogs to 1-3, whatever is strictly needed for her business. However, we are not dealing with a normal individual here. This man is willing to kill an animal simply because it's no longer convenient for him to have him. That level of cold callousness and complete disregard for life is one of those big pathological red flags. Unfortunately, I suspect that OP isn't ready to face the fact that she married a monster. She is still busy turning herself into a pretzel sacrificing her own soul just to please him and still ready to defend him.

 

Yes I agree with you - and I was responding only to the "all else equal" and the people who were looking at it from the perspective of "hmmm that's a lot of pets!"

[thornz]

Yes I agree. And based on the other responses it seemed to me that part of her reason for owning all of these pets was for her enjoyment and not just her business. Hence why I inquired about a compromise, only if the other issues could be resolved. The other issues would be dealbreakers for me.

 

My husband and I would never advocate that the other give up his/her career but there are middle grounds. Earlier this year we were discussing a move for his job to a place where it was highly unlikely I could continue in my line of work or if so not for a long time. That wasn't ok with me but also wasn't a total dealbreaker -so we approached it by looking into compromises like a temporary commuter marriage, etc. As it turned out he turned down the job offer for other reasons but yes we have both faced those types of decisions. No, he would never demand I entirely give up my career and he might see if I'd be willing to in exchange for something that would benefit our family - no harm in asking and discussing. But the other difference is that I knew when we got back together in the mid-2000s that relocation -on my part -might happen more than once and I'd have to be open to it. So there are shades of gray. And shades of gray is how I approached the OP's situation.

 

Putting your response in the context of “all else being equal” and “hmm that’s a lot of pets” makes more sense, but I think there’s no middle ground to be had here. Even if the scenario were as black and white as Oh she loves/has lots of pets and he doesn’t want/hates pets so he’s going to leave, that makes them incompatible beyond compromise imo.

 

The scenario you describe with your husband sounds very healthy and mature with both being willing to compromise and come to an agreement. There seems to be give and take. I don't see that in the instance the OP describes it seems to be all on his terms or D word! Even the very big compromises the OP has made already and continues to offer don't seem to be acknowledged by the husband. Very my way or the highway rather than discuss and solve together.

[Cherylyn]

If you simply cannot part with 4 of your dogs to save your marriage, then give your husband what he wants and divorce him. Dogs require a lot of time, they need to be fed, exercised daily, groomed, you need to pick up the yard and they're awfully expensive with vet bills.

 

I only had one dog who passed away recently after 14 years and while I love dogs, I must say my household is cleaner. There is no more endless dog hair all over my house, it's quieter, everyone has time for themselves and each other not to mention it has saved our pocketbook. Of course, I miss my dog dearly but there are also perks of either having less dogs or no dogs. I honored my dog ownership commitment but I'm not dog crazy either especially after going through hard times towards the end of a sickly and elderly dog's life after age 9.

 

I have a friend who always owns anywhere between 3 to 4 dogs at a time. Her house always has constant dog odor, it is rough-looking, there is dog hair everywhere, not clean, it's always noisy, she spends a ton of money on dog food, dog supplies and vet bills. She doesn't even have time to take the dog for two walks per day morning and evening. She doesn't even have time and attention for her husband, family nor friends because she's constantly held hostage to her dog's feeding and potty schedules.

 

Same thing with my mother. She has a dog, birds, several cats and takes care of stray cats, too. It has strained our relationship because she can never be away from home due to her animals' feeding and potty schedules. She can only be away from home for brief snippets only. She has a very strict schedule which limits time with others socially.

 

It's ridiculous the way some people place more importance on their animals than relationships with people. Keep in mind, there are only so many hours in the day. Animals come first because they're totally and completely dependent on you unlike humans who can make themselves a sandwich and if they're potty trained can take care of their bathroom needs without you.

 

I remember when my dog was alive and it was stressful between my husband and I. Someone had to always be responsible for the dog and whenever there was a time crunch tempers flared. Who fed the dog? Did you feed the dog? When was the last time the dog went out? I'm trying to get dinner on the stove, can someone squeeze in a walk for the dog tonight? Who will take the dog to the vet? The professional dog groomer? Did you brush the dog's coat today? Did you clean up the dog's paws, its rear end and did you brush the dog's teeth today? Did you vac 'n mop the floor? The house smells bad. Did you use Febreeze? As much as I miss my dog, all of those extra daily responsibilities and costs are no more which greatly improved my marriage because suddenly we have more time for each other. There are less responsibilities, less aggravation and we don't have to tend to another life. We save money every month and in many ways, life is LESS stressful. Also, dogs want to bed fed very early in the morning 7 days a week for 14+ years. There is no such thing as sleeping in on weekends. NEVER. They bark when you want silence which disrupts your sleep. I love dogs but I think I'm done with dogs. I love other people's pets though. Dogs are a huge responsibility as cute as they are. All animals are a responsibility.

 

Unfortunately, pets, especially a lot of pets, builds a wedge between a couple. We've had dogs, cats, lizards, aquarium filled with fish, rabbits, birds and we're done with pets. We've had pets as kids grew up. It was crazy and chaotic.

 

Either reach a compromise by reducing the amount of dogs you have or divorce. You can't have everything. Something has to give and the reality is, there is always a sacrifice in life.

[abitbroken]

If you simply cannot part with 4 of your dogs to save your marriage, then give your husband what he wants and divorce him. Dogs require a lot of time, they need to be fed, exercised daily, groomed, you need to pick up the yard and they're awfully expensive with vet bills.

 

He is not just asking her merely to give up dogs, he wants her to move across the country with kids that they just got custody of with no compromise, no discussion about what is best for the kids who may or may not be required to stay in the state. That is the crux of it. The kids might be thriving because they live on a farm, as well. She already gave up everything and followed him once.

 

This woman is a dog trainer and groomer (well she had to give up the income of grooming for her husband). Her life is dogs. While I agree that 6 would be way too many for me, He married her knowing this and she compromised by closing up her grooming business already to follow him across the country to get to where they live now. HE gifted her one of the dogs and one of the dogs was his that he came into the marriage with. The 15 year old dog has between 0 and 5 years left in his/her life. If he didn't like all the dogs, he would have not gifted her a dog, he would have said no to taking on the rescue dog and they would have had four until the 15 year old passed away.

 

if it were they lived in an apartment and the neighbors were complaining == i get it, i think finding good homes for two of the dogs - whoever is most adoptable - would be reasonable. I would be on board. That would be prudent. But they have a farm.

 

 

Something has to give and the reality is, there is always a sacrifice in life.

 

She HAS given and given, given up her dog grooming business, moved across the country with him already and is putting up with the fact that he cheated on her. To me, moving the entire family out to who knows where with no support network may be an attempt at isolating her. If the move was good for the whole family, that's another matter, but she seems to be blindsided by the fact that he would consider relocating vs being something in their 1-5 year plan that they are both on board with.

 

She needs to wake up and stop giving and stand firm. If she does, he may be just bluster after all or he may leave. But she will have some self respect.

I mean, who tells their spouse "get rid of the dogs and the farm -- we are moving?"

[lostandhurt]

The dogs, the number of dogs - it's all a red herring.

 

 

I'm also willing to bet that with all the moving around, her support system and friend network is nonexistent.

 

I have to agree this is been a long time coming with him grooming her so he could be in total control. This is not a good situation and it sounds like you have been through this before with him but what you were willing to give up back then wasn't as big as what he is asking now. It sounds like he went a bridge to far and that is why you found this place.

 

Lost

[Starlight925]

I don't understand this whole issue.

 

Why didn't you leave him when you first discovered his cheating?

 

The nerve of this Grade A a-hole you're married to, sleeping with lord knows how many women, telling you that you have to get rid of dogs, when it's what you do for a living.

 

My advice? Make the choice for him.

[Cherylyn]

If husband and wife can't resolve issues, then try professional marriage counseling. If that fails, you both either endure and tolerate current conditions, make changes, compromise or if it's intolerable, then divorce. Those are your choices.

 

Sure, wake up, stopping giving and stand firm. You'll have self respect. However, will this solve the problem for you, the children, dogs and the move from the farm? Only time will tell. Hopefully, this can be resolved and if not, only husband and wife will know what is best for them.

[itsallgrand]

It sounds like there's been an uneven power dynamic in this relationship for a long while. He propels, you follow along. You mentioned he has a job where it's two weeks gone, one week back. Those are usually hard labour jobs ( oil, construction, trades). So this office job probably means more to him than simply impressing people. He may be tired, older, and burnt out living that life. I get the impression too he has done most of the providing? 6 dogs, horses, raising your godchildren doesn't come cheap. Cheaper dog food might not cut it. Are you being realistic with this? You may be, but it's a question.

 

With the cheating and forgiving, the real reason there isn't loving deeply. Maybe it goes back to this power dynamic?

 

Just a different perspective to consider. I've known situations where one partner works to primarily provide, and the other partner keeps adding to the load to the point that if something were to happen or come retirement age, there's nothing there. Sometimes they snap.

I'm not so sure he actually would mean to put down ant dogs, but rather, he's been trying to let you know how he's been drowning for a while now.